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#Post#: 18184--------------------------------------------------
All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 2:36 am
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28 years old and currently living a somewhat solitary existence
amidst the jungles of Borneo.
Never felt as though I 'belonged' anywhere and always felt like
I was sitting on the periphery of life with a feeling of
emptiness and disconnectedness. Perhaps it manifested as the
driving force behind my wanderlust, that fear of not belonging
and traveling far and wide to find that place where I finally
let out that sigh associated with the, 'ah, it's good to be
home' feeling. Alas, a feeling that remains elusive after 9
years.
The decisions I have made have not been choices, they are simply
what I must do, for to ignore it I end up entrenched more deeply
in hell. Although, as I write those words I realise I just end
up in different versions of hell that I soon choose to move on
from (although 'hell' may be an exaggeration at times).
Less than a month into my new 'hell' (a solitary life teaching
in Borneo) came, 'What the f*** am I doing here?' Over the
course of a few weeks an internal earthquake ensued as I was
stripped of every dream, ambition and ideal. I realised any
beliefs or opinions I had were moot and meaningless, just a
product of experience and knowledge. I thought, 'What's the
point in even speaking, it means nothing, I am nothing.' Without
all of these things that I considered as 'me' I was left with,
'If I'm not these things then who the heck am I?' There is no me
anymore.
Here, in the jungle, there was nothing external that I could
grab onto in my desperation to regain a sense of self. And
despite my desire to run from this experience I realised I have
nothing left to run to, there is no salvation awaiting out
there. And so here I sit, one year later, surrendering to the
unraveling of the self, knowing I know nothing, knowing this is
a crazy dream that I cannot wake up from. And intellectually I
may know it, but I don't KNOW it, if that makes sense at all.
And then your book found me. It's time for further, I just don't
know what further is??
Gratitude and love, H.
p.s. I know I'm over your advised word count, but I already
shredded it down from 700+ words to 350... so I hope that's
cool.
#Post#: 18185--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 2:39 am
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'Harsh' words welcome FYI - Ready to be smashed with a stick and
hurled off a cliff - just an extension of what I've been doing
to myself, so why not take a rest and let someone else bash me
for a moment!
#Post#: 18187--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: February 21, 2016, 5:51 am
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Hi there:
Sounds like you are in a wonderful part of the world, full of
opportunities to see through the illusion that you think you
are.
So, what's next? Darn, I don't know... what is in front of you
right now. Sounds like a good place to start.
As little more info from you and I may be able to assist, we
shall see.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 18189--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 6:18 am
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Thanks for getting back to me Jed.
So, what's in front of me? Externally - nothing of note. I've
spent some time this past year experimenting with what's inside
that can come out - painting, writing poetry, exploring
limitations that I had set on myself. And I'm at a point where I
feel as though I am at a clean slate, can do anything, can
choose what I want to invite into my life. The only thing is I
no longer desire much beyond Truth I suppose, but at the same
time there is a fear attached to moving further and further away
from everything I ever knew. Nothing in the world around me
excites anymore - I feel like I'm in some strange limbo, but
perhaps that's the depression.
Last year I did a lot of reading about the mind and being
present. Observing the mind came as a massive revelation in
realising 'you are not your mind' and how it has a will of it's
own and I explored mindfulness as a practice. I let go of both
the past and future, recognising that neither exist.
Over the past 2 years what you would classify as 'mystics', I
suppose have commented that I am almost 'done' as you put it.
That I have the ability to see beyond the mirror, that I have
maybe one life left. All of which makes no sense to me at
present and in all honesty I find it intimidating... and it's
something I don't think about too often as the ego can run away
with that kind of thing.
I recently spent a month in India where every 'sign' pointed
towards meditation, pranayama and yoga. However, after reading
your book I question the effectiveness of these practices.
Really for now the step seems to be the aforementioned
practices, walking in nature, cooking and eating well, taking
care of the body.
So, what du reckon?
#Post#: 18190--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 6:33 am
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It might be worth mentioning that I just hopped off the 'Love is
the answer' train - experienced some beautiful times there...
but can't help thinking that anything I think is just the mind
trying to reason out something that can never be reasoned with.
On the love train I was creating a beautiful dream, but it was
still just a dream, based in my desired perception of the world.
#Post#: 18194--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: February 21, 2016, 9:18 am
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Humans don't have a clue about love, especially those who
preach it. But, love them anyways.
Love ya, jed.
#Post#: 18200--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 3:42 pm
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I always saw religion as a way of people trying to make sense of
a world that will never make sense, drawing comfort from faith
in a sometimes lovely story. I was an atheist from a young age,
then some 'mystical' experiences came - but then the way
everyone (including myself) tried to explain that - energy,
vibration, frequency, light, darkness - still seemed like a way
of defining a world that cannot be defined. Words will always
limit us - I try to explain a sunset, or the morning dew on the
trees, I'm limited.
It's the same with love - the mind thinks in words, therefore
it's limited. The mind wants to find no-self - limited!
And guess now I have a question... if the answer lies within, if
the answer is never lost and it's there already - is it
necessary to read about Zen, Buddhism, new age spirituality?
Krisnamurti I enjoy - he probes at the foundations of 'my'
existence. But is there any sense in learning new if the idea is
unlearning. Unlearning more and more is the next step!
#Post#: 18201--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 3:47 pm
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Ah ha moment! UNLEARNING! I have to try your writing thing don't
I? :o
#Post#: 18202--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 3:49 pm
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A lot has fallen away 'naturally' this past year, but now it's
time to take the bull by the horns and get into the nitty gritty
of the self!
#Post#: 18203--------------------------------------------------
Re: All I know is that I know nothing...
DIR By: IamNoOne
Date: February 21, 2016, 3:50 pm
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Deep breathe - more earthquakes ahead!
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