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#Post#: 1029--------------------------------------------------
Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 12, 2014, 5:39 am
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Dear Jed,
I’ve exchanged a few emails with you before, using my real name.
At first, I couldn’t register on either of the two forums. Yet,
I’ve been reading your posts. At time I would share your words
with a couple of friends whom I think would appreciate them, and
they indeed did. By the way, you mentioned that we should not
share with family and friends about our journey. So, should I
also refrain myself from sharing your words with others?
Finally I found a way to register here over 10 days ago.
However, I had been holding back in writing because I am not
clear with my question, ‘the one, single, most important
question’. I really want to make good use of this opportunity.
Or, maybe, not writing earlier is just another illustration of
my procrastination.
Here is the summary of my background. I started my ‘spiritual
path’ with Goenka’s Vipassana in early 2010. I did that for over
3 years, on and off. Up until March of 2013, I’ve read books by
Jiddu Krishnamurti, Ajahn Chah, Jack Kornfield, Ken Wilber,
Biograph of Ajahn Mun Bhuridatta, and many others that I don’t
remember now. I also have tried Pa-Auk’s meditation, Mahasati
Dynamic meditation, and have meditated in various monasteries in
different countries. I’ve also followed with Kong Hai’s teaching
for quite a while. He is from Taiwan, a very genuine person.
Along the way, I have attended Family Constellation workshops
many times, Landmark workshops, some dancing healing workshop,
and a few other workshops.
Since March of 2013, I completely stopped all meditation
practices and most workshops. I also stopped reading spiritual
books, except your books. Since then I’ve been only attending
workshops by Hong Nanzhou (another genuine one from Taiwan) and
have been doing works assigned by him continuously. In the
meanwhile, I also keep up with Jue Xingzhe’s teaching (a genuine
one from China). I got to know three of you around the same
time, March of 2013.
Lately I feel like I am stuck, not going anywhere.
Ok. Here is the question:
What’s my next step?
Love, Smiling
#Post#: 1051--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 13, 2014, 9:52 am
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Dear Smiling:
Thank you for joining and sharing. I would ask you to stand up
and take one step forward. Go on, do it now.
How difficult what that. Did you have to coordinate hundreds of
muscles, ligaments, joints, bones and nerves. I certainly hope
not because you would have moved and inch. You would have frozen
as a result of analysis paralysis.
You next step, T/R wise is the same. You can think it out until
you are a hundred years old, or just take it and move forward.
Everything you have done so far was perfect and hence you are
here, also perfect, now DON'T THINK, you already know.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1063--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 13, 2014, 8:15 pm
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Dear Jed,
What a relief! After reading your words, I almost cried.
I have been very sluggish lately. I have lost interest in almost
everything, except sex, even though I don't have anyone to have
sex with. So, sex is only in my mind. Besides doing a little
translation work for a company at home, eating, sleeping,
reading or listening to your words, scanning through useless
contents on the PC screen and cell phone, and
interacting/reacting with my little nephew and mother are my
daily routine. Actually, those electronic devices took most of
my day time and they only returned me with back pains and tired
eyes and lots of junk thoughts. Therefore, I began to worry
about myself and wondering if I was on the right track: Why some
others who have been doing the same work/practices assigned by
the same teacher seemingly have achieved certain level of
'realization', but I haven't changed a bit? Why these people are
so keen and faithful in doing things with the teacher while I am
not that into it? They are so sure he is the ONLY one who can
direct others to enlightenment and I know that's not the case.
Is this 'knowing' and 'unfaithfulness' the reason that causes me
not 'realize' anything? Why after years of 'spiritual growth'
thing, I still can't completely accept my mother and my nephew?
I am very kind to my nephew most of time. However, sometimes I
can see a monster when I react with them and the monster is me,
a very cold apathetic person, full of anger and disgust. Yes, I
have learned from various teachings that it means I can't
completely accept myself. But I still can't.
Lots and endless thoughts run through me every day, except
during the time I do the assigned work or bring my attention
back to the belly breathing as you mentioned in your books from
time to time.
But deep down, very very deep down in me, something is very
solid. It's very very tiny but very solid. I know I am not the
same one I used to be anymore. I don't know if I can explain
this more clearly to you.
You told me DON NOT THINK. Yet, your reply prompted me all these
thoughts. However, this writing helped me to sort through my
current condition.
Now I will move a step to do some patting for my mother. It's
some physical therapy I do for her to improve her health
condition.
Thank you, Jed!
Love, Smiling
#Post#: 1065--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 13, 2014, 10:33 pm
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Dear Smiling:
Thank you for that. I have a little exercise, thanks to Jerry
Stocking, you mind wants attention. That's a key word. So the
trick is to give it attention. It won't get you enlightened, but
who know. Just gentle watch it and welcome all thoughts, good or
bad and see what happens.
Don't worry about where you friends are. It may be working for
them, or they may be deluding themselves, which is often the
case.
Feedback welcome.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1074--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 14, 2014, 12:43 am
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Hi Jed,
You mentioned Jerry Stocking. Does it mean you want me to go
through his teaching? Or you simply wanted to give him the
credit. I googled him and he offers something online. I don't
really want to go through it unless you think it's necessary for
me. Well, these are the thoughts running through me now.
Love, Smiling
#Post#: 1148--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 15, 2014, 10:02 am
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Dear Jed,
Today whenever I was aware of my thoughts, I would think about
welcoming them. I noticed, in this way, I had much less
struggles over thoughts and less critics on myself. Sometimes I
even felt a bit happy and relaxed when I noticed the thoughts.
Today I also had a meeting with a woman whom I am interested in.
She is also doing the same work/practise assigned by Hong and
seems quite determined to get T/R. I used to deliberately keep
distance from her and not to fall for anyone because I thought
being involved in a love affair had nothing to do with T/R and
it's merely a changeable feeling and my goal was to get T/R.
Well, the heck, today I just wanted to have some fun after one
year's no fun. Eventually, we had quite a nice chat and I am
less pretending in front of her. BTW, is it OK to tell you this
here as it is not about T/R?
So much for today.
Love, Smiling
#Post#: 1155--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 15, 2014, 10:50 am
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Dear Smiling:
I suggest you be careful about following anybody, especially
someone like me. I am a total bastard and will bitch-slap you as
much as I can get away with.
This is never about anyone else, anyone's teaching, any exulted
persona, that's garbage personality crap meeting an human need,
but not an adult one.
You know what do you and are avoiding it. It's obvious to me, so
how can it not be obvious to you.
Well, if it's not obvious to you, ask yourself 'If I knew what
do do, what would it be?'. You will probably find it's the thing
you are avoiding, but that makes sense because if it wasn't it
would be the thing you are doing and the questions wouldn't be
required.
So, become your own guru, which you are anyways, and tell
yourself what to do next. If you tell me or not, I don't care
because it's not my business. This is about you, not some silly
guru teacher guy, YOU and YOU ONLY.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1271--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 17, 2014, 4:12 am
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Dear Jed,
For one and half day, 'If I knew what to do, what would it be'
almost became a mantra. I kept asking myself this same question
until it dawned upon me that 'if I knew what to do, whatever I
am doing is what I am supposed to do.' So, I am my own
authority.
Am I getting this right? I can sense my doubt in myself and
still look for 'higher authority'. I realized I am so afraid to
make a mistake in the T/R path, the same way I am afraid to make
a mistake in life. I always look for the 'right' way even though
I've heard many times from someone like you that there is no
right or wrong at all.
I welcome your slap wholeheartedly. I even don't mind you
skinning slicing peeling me if that helps to awake me. So, bring
it on. I am ready for that.　
I want to be completely open with you. No hiding, no pretending,
no denying. Actually I want to be completely open with everyone
and anyone. But let's start with you first.
Love, Smiling
#Post#: 1272--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 17, 2014, 4:25 am
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Dear S:
Delightful to hear that, but don't start with me, start with
you. You are telling yourself lies all the time. I know that
because you are human. So, what would be the first, most
powerful lie that you might be able to see through, given super
powers of course.
Love ya, Jed. (Super-Jed, at your service).
#Post#: 1796--------------------------------------------------
Re: Smiling
DIR By: Smiling
Date: September 27, 2014, 11:48 am
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Dear Jed,
I just came back from a trip during which I didn’t have access
to this forum. I found I was quite worried that I might be
kicked out of this forum because I didn’t respond in a long
time.
It is quite a typical mentality my mind has established—tends to
think in a negative way.
I have repeatedly asked myself the question you asked me, but
nothing dawned upon me. However, in the past few days, I
realized that I want more of the ‘side-effects’ of enlightenment
instead of enlightenment itself, which means I will not have any
problems anymore. I am simply not satisfied with the way I am
and the way this world is. Such an imperfect world it is! This
imperfect world always triggers me sad feelings or anger which
is what I reject. As a matter of fact, ‘enlightenment’ is simply
a word/concept to me, which I heard and read from others, for
example, you. I don’t really know what it is. Another reason I
wanna be enlightened is that enlightenment seems to be the only
and ultimate thing worthy pursuing. In my life, I have never
really longed or made great effort for anything except pursuing
so-called ‘love’. Ok, it’s not love but love affairs. Only
during the initial stage of my love affairs, I would feel I am
really alive, creative and focused. The rest of my life, I feel
like I am a walking corpse. Unfortunately, those live moments
don’t last long.
Today I had an argument with my mother. It seemed impossible to
let her really hear what I was trying to tell her. She was
dwelling in her thoughts. Finally I lost my patience and burst
out to her ‘Is your hearing bad or your brain bad?’ She was
furious hearing that and tried to kick me. On the contrary, I
was very calm and emotionless. I was surprised to find myself
not being regretful for saying so. I was indeed surprised to
hear myself saying that, though, because my nephew is used to
say ‘is your brain bad’ to my mother when he is bad and I had
never done that. Now my mother thinks I have taught my nephew
that. I guess I must have said that in my mind quietly and
somehow my nephew picked the message up. In some way, the whole
process of this argument seemed to be quite fake to me. I seemed
to be quite fake.
This is a forum about T/R and I am babbling about these ‘human’
stuff. So spiritually incorrect. Well, that’s all in my mind at
this moment.
By the way, I am not so used to post about myself on a forum. I
feel I am becoming naked in public. Regardless, I will continue
do this until one day there is no more 'I' anymore.
Love, Smiling
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