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#Post#: 17571--------------------------------------------------
who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: January 24, 2016, 9:57 am
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Hi Jed,
I am half way through the 2nd book right now, I was going to
wait to write until I finished the 3 books- but...... I figured
why not begin to chart my ramblings, progress (or non progress)
so, here I am
I have been a MOMMY for 24 years - my son is an amazing being
(he actually introduced me to your books) and I adore him
the problem? I don't know how to stop being a MOMMY- i smother
him a bit (well......probably a lot) - always worry about him-
and he has gently (and not so gently LOL) told me to stop- that
my worry and concern actually hurts him-Logically, I know this -
but, I find myself worrying about all kinds of crazy crap that
could befall him- I want to have a good friendship with my son-
and I fear my continual smothering will push him away (of
course, it will- it is flipping annoying to him)
I want to be free of this "smother love" not only for him- but
for myself
the problem is- I have no clue where to start- I have no idea
who I am as I have been a MOM for so long-
or am i just an out of control- control freak? (she's freak-
super freak)
I do not like where I currently live- but, I do not know where
to move-
I no longer enjoy the relationships that I have formed over the
last few years- I find them boring, competitive and superficial
I can go a few days with no communication- then, I get lonely
and reach out and engage in a social activity- then, after I
have spent time with them- I feel spent and irritated- mostly
irritated with myself- , because I really don't want to hang out
with them anyway-
I will get charged up about a project or idea- I will have some
momentum for a little while- then........ i lay on the couch
having a pity party (I am uber good at throwing pity parties)
wash, rinse, repeat-
I feel as if I am at a crossroads- I can be a lonely, bitter,
worrisome, crabby old lady with 10 cats (which I do not want to
do- i hate cleaning cat litter) or
I can figure out who the hell I am-
do you know who i am? (if you have any clues please share LOL)
Or are we not anything in particular? perhaps I am searching for
some morphing alien that will be different each day- Hmmm- that
might be closer to the truth- I really am nothing- and something
at the same time? so, looking for myself is like a dog chasing
it's tail? :o
I probably answered my own questions- (did i even ask a
question? or was I rambling?)
xoxo
Paula
#Post#: 17576--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 24, 2016, 9:13 pm
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Hi Paula;
Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum. Even though I am
male, I hallucinate that I have a pretty good understanding of
your situation. It's not much fun when a mom is no longer
needed, however, it is a reality and no mom that I have ever met
prepares for it or anticipates it's impact.
No human loves another human, but it's not as bad as it sounds.
The is only One, one Truth, one You, and humans pretend that
there are two, or seven billion, in order that they may express
their true nature in an outflow of love which mimics one's True
nature. Love is primal and what we are, but humans keep looking
outside, out ''there'' for it. The result is endless stories and
humans fall in love with their stories because that is what they
are living in. The story is a dream and you are dreaming, that
you are a mom, that you are human, that you have a son, it's all
a dream. I concede that it is a rather durable dream and may
seem very real, but that is what good dreams are about, the
illusion of reality. When you die, you wake up.
I doubt that you came to me for candy floss or fairy tales so
here you go. I have no doubt that you did a good job of raising
your son, however, the reality is that is over now. It was a
role and a role only. Now that it's over your son have very
little need for you. Possibly no need until a child of his own
comes along and he will find a position for you. Time to suck it
up and face reality.
I can't tell you what to do next, wouldn't even if I could,
well, that's a little b. s. because I am going to make a
suggestion. It may be time to find out who you are beyond a mere
roll, important as it was in its time, it was not you and you
are going to die. Not the real you of course, it was never born
and thus cannot die, but the space suit you often refer to as
you will become worm feed one day. It may be in ten minutes or
thirty years, but it will come to pass.
Your discontent with friends and neighbors is a symptom of
waking up to the lies you and others live by. Humans are the
people of the lie and you are no exception. Just like
childbirth, this awakening is seldom easy and gentle. It can be,
but that's very rare.
Yes, you are at a cross-roads and the next illusion you will
encounter is the one where you think you have a choice.
Best wishes on your journey into adulthood. Write me anytime.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 17601--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: January 25, 2016, 11:43 am
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Thank you for your response.... :P
I think I understand (maybe?)
What i get from this is-
My fear of losing my son- is really my clinging to a role that i
have played over half my life?
Like I was the "star" of Paula and Son - A very fun and
entertaining show that was one the "air" for 24 years- and even
though I was a fabulous and sublime actress (LOL) I just got
fired? The show was cancelled?
:o
Bummer......... and I never won an emmy-
So- now, I find a "new role"? for a while? and then of course,
at some point that will be given the axe as well?
I have been playing this role so long- sigh........
Not really sure where to even begin-
So....when you say
Yes, you are at a cross-roads and the next illusion you will
encounter is the one where you think you have a choice.
can you clarify that a little bit? I have read it over several
times and I am not quite grasping it's meaning-
is it as simple as- I choose my next role? (even though, it is
also an illusion- I create it?)
So......do we create our realities? I think we do- although, it
is not as simple as it has been suggested in books and movies
I think it is much deeper-
or am i way off base?
I still have not finished the 2nd book- so, I am still learning-
thank you for your time
xoxoxoxo
paula
#Post#: 17613--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 25, 2016, 9:26 pm
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You are very much ''on'' base. Just stick with it and remember,
you are the authority on you. If not, who else could be.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 17635--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: January 26, 2016, 8:29 am
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and remember, you are the authority on you. If not, who else
could be.
Yes-
That is a very, very profound little sentence Jed
I think my first phase in wiping the sleep off my eyes - is
that.
xoxoxo
paula
:-*
#Post#: 19204--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: March 23, 2016, 4:40 pm
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Hi Jed-
still here- still fucked up :o- but, moving forward........LOL
just a fly by hello
;)
#Post#: 19207--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 23, 2016, 11:16 pm
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and a fly by... love ya, Jed
#Post#: 19361--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: March 31, 2016, 10:59 am
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Hiya ....
I have such moments of profound fear....if there is nothing
obvious threatening me (like a big grizzly , umm which never has
happened yet) I make up stuff... I am a master of Making up
scary shit...
Then, I realize I make up all of it... the good and the bad..
not sure why I have a tendency to create yucky thoughts .....and
I know they are all the same really?
But I often wonder.... if I am making all this up, why not make
up good stuff?
What is behind all the "let's make up scary shit and horrible
thought forms, so you can always be miserable"?
???
Bad habits?
Self punishment ?
Xoxox
#Post#: 19363--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 31, 2016, 11:47 am
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Makes sense.... NOT!
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 19369--------------------------------------------------
Re: who am I? ;)
DIR By: guest746
Date: March 31, 2016, 2:24 pm
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Read this in a course in miracles today (paraphrased)
"The world you see is as you made it, yet you do not see
yourself as the maker "
Duh!
That makes more sense !!!
Thank you jed
Xoxoxoxo
:-*
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