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#Post#: 19293--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: March 27, 2016, 6:10 am
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Hi Jed,
I've been doing the "what will my next thought be?" ... What
I've noticed is really simple, I don't know my next thought. It
appears and I see it or perceive it or whatever, it doesn't seem
to come from me. So I'm not thinking 'my' own thoughts? This
kind of reinforced the whole surrender thing. One thing you
wrote has stuck with me for awhile now 'you can only feel
something by pushing against it'. So my life has basically been
me resisting what is. But if my thoughts aren't coming from me,
how can I be resisting? . It seems my only practice is to
surrender/accept every moment, thought, everything. I'm so used
to searching for meaning in everything, but meaning is given its
not inherent right? So without meaning I give, there is no
point.
But it doesn't work atm. I'm still attached to thoughts,
emotions. I don't have stillness/witness. It's theoretical for
me. When I try to surrender to what arises I go back to my old
life. I feel like I'm being sucked back in. And I can see I
have an expectation of what surrender is but I haven't seen
through it.
Can you suggest where to go from here pls ???
Thanks jed
#Post#: 19295--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 27, 2016, 8:26 am
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Just surrender to your old life, it's no more or less valid than
you current life. They are all illusory.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 20329--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: May 5, 2016, 2:53 am
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Hello again Jed,
I've realised in my life i've been obsessed with 'meaning' &
'meaningful' things. And it only just occurred to me that
meaning is not inherent, its given. So that makes me laugh out
loud hysterically :D During this SA there has kind of been a
theme for me of assumptions and expectations. As i uncover each
one I replace it with a newer more refined one (actually more
subtle to detect one). My thoughts & stories rush to fill every
gap of nothingness, or i dont know'ness. And beneath ALL of
this, I THINK I KNOW SOMETHING. I have not had one single honest
moment in my entire life. ??? ::) ;D
#Post#: 20355--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 6, 2016, 9:40 am
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.... at the best... truthish, be you are not alone...
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 20910--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: May 24, 2016, 7:38 pm
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My story is so thick, it seems unpenetratable, its so hard not
to believe it. I pierce and pierce and it keeps swallowing me
up. Yesterday for 1 second when i smelt a flower I felt a
glimpse of the world without a story. It didn't need anything
added to it. But this task seems undoable. I dont even really
believe that anyone has really done it. At about age 7/8 i
started thinking life was a dream and would try and wake myself
up.. Around 11 i started wanting to 'discover my nature'. By my
early 20's i just wanted out. Im 30 now and im so tired. Ive
tried just 'living' but my story is so thick with emotional pain
that seems to cast a shadow over everything. Ive always had
suicidal ideation and often I feel so close. But then I think
well why not kill my ego, why not die while living if im willing
to die? But its a slow drawn out death, so slow that i forget
what i want or what im doing. Give me a spiritual shotgun to the
head so i can blow my brains out please!
#Post#: 20915--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 25, 2016, 12:14 am
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Blah, blah, blah, blah and more blah, blah.
Put up or shut up (said with profound love and respect)
Jed.
#Post#: 22062--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: June 23, 2016, 2:53 am
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Hi Jed,
Your last reply came down on me like a ton of bricks. At first I
thought you didnt read my post properly and my metaphor, but
then i realised it didnt matter and your response would probably
have been the same. I didnt know, or didnt want to know
actually, what you meant by 'put up'. But i think i get it now,
and Im ready to do the work. So thank you, Ill be back at some
point
Love
#Post#: 22074--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: June 23, 2016, 7:43 am
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Talk later...
Love ya, Jed.
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