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#Post#: 16747--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: JimHughes
Date: December 5, 2015, 3:17 pm
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Hi Jim:
Welcome to the forum. I have removed your post because one of
the forum rules is no posting on another members thread. There
is a very real reason for this and it is that the only thing of
interest, indeed the only thing you might be able to learn
about, is you. What others do or experience is fine to read
about, but a distraction that is amplified by comment. In
addition, comments tend to bring up ego and a subtle sense of
competition.
So, post away, but only your experiences and any questions that
I may (possibly) assist you with.
So, no cross-talk, 250 words or less, no links, no poems, no
pics... stay on point and the point is you. I trust you
understand, and you are certainly free to ask anything of me on
your own thread... and BTW, only one thread per member.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 16769--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: December 6, 2015, 6:52 pm
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Hey Jed,
I deleted my post about what I wrote to your question, what do i
really reaaaally want?
Its a lie that 'i' can desire or want TR. It means that i will
die (well thats the assumption anyways).
I thought i wanted to die, i said it to myself like a mantra
everyday. But then one night i was in the bath with my eyes
closed and the question came to me - " i will show you the
truth, but you can never open your eyes again. You must leave it
all behind now. Will you come?"
And maybe its a stupid question, seeing as you said I cant know
the truth..but it was like my life, actually my attachments,
(same same?) flashed before my eyes and i couldn't do it. It was
a moment of brutal honesty. I wouldn't give EVERYTHING to this,
not at this moment anyways. Its the fruits of Truth that seemed
to be what i was after, but im not convinced that they or truth
exists yet.
I spent the next week much more engaged in my life, and more
grateful. But it wore off quick. And i went back to SA.
This was actually before i found the forum, so i still don't
know the answer to what i want. The end of suffering and
happiness yes, but there is also a desire to be done with it.
What is the 'i' that i think is wanting TR?
Because when i ask myself what do i reallly really want, i can
only see what i dont want and i can see what is appealing to
want, which is based upon assumptions. How can i want something
i dont know?
I think this is why you said that i think i know what im
shooting for but i dont.
So if truth cannot be known but I can know that it IS, does this
mean I am Truth and i cannot observe myself? Or that im less
than truth?
Many Thanks Jed
#Post#: 16804--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: December 8, 2015, 5:34 pm
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Hi Jed,
While you're digging up bombs ive been digging deep into the
forum and reading all your old rants/posts and doing the
exercises you suggest. I realised you asked that we start the
thread with an intro of ourselves so i thought id try...
I read Autobiography of a Yogi at about 13 and that kind of
kick started it but i became a severly depressed and suicidal
teen and at 17 i decided to kill myself if i didn't find an
answer to the meaning of life or happiness by the end of the
day. A pretty heavy ultimatum! At about 4pm someone said to me
"it sounds like you want to be depressed, its giving you
something" and that burst through me enough that i thought it
was all in my thoughts & I was choosing to believe them. I did a
juice fast, cleared my head and concentrated on being positive
and not being a victim. It worked for awhile but the whole
positivity thing also seemed to be denying something and i
started to repress things in my body. At 18 after i finished
school i took the year off to get 'serious' about this. I prayed
to the aspect of the divine mother fervorently to show me God
exists before i committed to starting the journey. 2 days in a
row during my prayers/meditation i had an experience of
blissfull energy over flowing through my body, like almost too
much to handle i was rocking back and forth, felt like i was
levitating although i wasnt. So i thought that was God and i'd
be certain forever. The memory of the experience faded over time
and now i know the truth isnt an experience.
In my teens and 20's i was doing all the self help, new age
books, eastern philosophy as well as dabbling in meditation and
kriya yoga sporadically in between drinking, drugs,
relationships & trying to be normal and forget about
spirituality. I never got deep into the kriya practices, mainly
meditation & concentration techniques and then went on to AYP
practices with mantra meditation & spinal breathing which is
self regulated and not Guru oriented.. (im still doing some of
this, though not the spinal breathing currently).
This year Byron Katie's work somehow lead me to trace some of my
assumptions back to my childhood for 'healing' where i was
shocked to find nothing there, that the past didn't exist. I was
just looking at thoughts. This was BOOM for me, like in an
instant i didn't exist, or i couldn't prove it. I felt like i
was flying through space trying to grasp at nothing, although i
couldn't put those words to it at the time. I felt existance was
futile, i found no joy in anything, no reason to get out of bed,
and constant anxiety over the fear of no self. This lasted for
quite a few months and i felt like i was dying.
This is where i stumbled across your books. It was so powerful
all i did was read, SA then go for long walks and talk out loud
to myself trying to figure things out. There is an apparently
truth realised Zen master near me who i was planning on going to
see, but i thought i better be really clear about my question if
im to talk with him, so i started refining my questions on my SA
and walks with the intention of bringing one to him but each
would eventually dissolve. That started about 6 months ago and i
still havent seen him haha. Maybe tomorrow..
Then i found this forum and its basically the same principle.
Im so grateful for this forum, despite wanting to delete
everything minutes after i've posted ;D
Thank you for your books and for your time.
:)
#Post#: 17033--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: December 25, 2015, 12:33 am
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Hey Jed
I keep coming to a standstill with my SA as i think that i'm not
going to find anything here. Like you say, the truth cannot be
known. This 'seeking' seems like a ploy just to tire me out. The
search for TA is all future oriented, what is there there? So i
stop and just try to be here now, to surrender to the mystery
and be grateful for the human experience. But i also don't fully
believe that - Its like i cant yet experience the present moment
fully or properly. And then my attachments and stories come and
bowl me over so i go back to SA. It seems like i have to be
TRULY tired of seeking, with no doubt there is nothing to find.
But i find it hard to commit to it, thinking i'll eventually
give it up. I have all these assumptions but they also seem part
of each process. Im pretty confused most of the time, do i just
continue with this cycle?
#Post#: 17043--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 26, 2015, 11:01 pm
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Hi Jah:
Thanks for the introduction and sharing your experiences.
You are correct, in my experience, that the search is just
something to do while waiting for the divine accident. Having
said that, many folks have simply too much emotional pain, and
that saps energy and focus. So, searching can assist on in that.
Also, just ''getting'' T/R isn't always a cake-walk. Being
prepared and an adult can assist in the adjustment required.
Everyone is already fully enlightened, T/R, whatever you wish to
call it. Almost everyone has covered it over with a very flimsy
illusion of separation, I say flimsy but also it is remarkably
durable.
Coming to a standstill with S/A is really the point. How can you
possibly write anything that is true. The act of putting it into
words is one of the major tools of Maya/ego and her separation
strategies.
Talk later,
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 17253--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: January 5, 2016, 10:59 pm
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Hi Jed,
What did you mean "many folks have simply too much emotional
pain, and that saps energy and focus. So, searching can assist
on in that." ?
It sounds like you're talking about healing...?
I feel like I have a lot of emotional pain, and its always
seemed that way despite not knowing what it is or why its there.
Ive spent a lot of energy over the years 'healing' in order to
try and function better, but even 'healing' was extremely
stressful.
I know in some yoga practices i've done that meditation and
breathing techniques are said to purify the nervous system, kind
of to clear the emotional or karmic debris (but i dont really
know or understand it that much).
But I feel a conflict with the non dual 'no self' and then
'healing' or growth. It seems that skipping to 'but i dont
exist' can be repressive and be counterproductive?
Over the last few months i have to admit my brain has gone to
mush. It really hard to form thoughts or ideas or make sense of
things. Its not a feeling of 'awakening' or 'clarity' or
anything like that. I feel like im becoming really dumb, when i
used to think i was intellectual and sharp. Through doing Scott
Kiloby's enquiries recently ive realised that i dont release or
feel things fully on the physical level, only conceptually, so
maybe im going through a big release of pent up 'feeling'
(without the stories attached) that is muddling me..
So there arent clear questions in here but if you could please
clear up what you meant, thankyou :)
#Post#: 17259--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 5, 2016, 11:13 pm
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I mean pretty much what I said. What specifically don't you
understand about it?
Your past work is fine but none of it addresses the importances.
These are like the glue that keep memories in place. Importances
can be released but it takes some learning and effort.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 18100--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: February 18, 2016, 12:43 am
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Its been a few weeks since ive written in here. I felt the need
to 'stop' and just be alive so I did. My brain felt like mush
during any kind of inquiry and when i asked questions i couldn't
understand the words anymore. They were flat and without
meaning, just like images of letters. It didn't seem like a
conscious decision but more like an arising of 'stop'. But it
also occurred to me it may be the ultimate Maya distraction
technique, its true that I fell asleep as soon as i read your
words "maya will want you to take a nap right about now". haha!
But either way i did it.
Its interesting to me that in this time everything just flowed,
things came to my attention and all conversations were
connected, it felt like i had released the tiller. Before it
felt like i was trying not to live, in fear i'd fall back into
distraction. But that was also a form of resistance to what is.
I ended up being led to exercises of integrating my emotional
body. Im not sure where it fits into the scheme of things, but
it helped me to drop my stories about blaming my parents/others
for my emotional issues & patterns, because i could see myself
attaching to the thought/feeling even as a baby. And also
through this i realised that even though i havent been able to
let myself feel my emotions in the body, I place alot of
importance on them mentally. They seem like the most significant
indicator of anything in my life, the most 'real' thing even
though i wasn't really feeling them. So what i did is i sensed
emotions in my body and connected them to the memory of the
first time i experienced it and then let myself fully feel it...
but it was quite a traumatic experience in a way, i felt
completely drained for days.
Is it necessary to use the memory to feel and then release the
emotion? Or is awareness in your body enough?
I feel like whatever this is i've done is related to importances
but i need more information. Ive read about it but its brief..
Everytime i write in the forum i feel like im dropping down an
anchor point to pivot off, and its so scary because i feel im
going to look around and not know where i am.! ??? :-\ :-[
#Post#: 18799--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: March 8, 2016, 6:20 pm
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Im feeling burnt alive by all the contradictions. So much so
that im immobilised. I dont know how to proceed without having
100% sincerity and burning desire, yet why should i because this
is IT right infront of me right? I feel like im resisting
everything, including life itself. Im resisting following a
'spiritual path' because the only motivation to do so would be
based on an expectation and then that would be blocking the
truth. When i try to 'surrender' and just do what comes I still
feel anxiety building in the background (like this is a
premature step for me) so i do work on what resistance is
causing the anxiety, then all of a sudden im on a path with
expectations again. I feel physically ill with the weight of it
all. I feel trapped in my life, this spiritual rollercoaster
seems just as unhealthy as the rest of the dramas.
Any advice? :-\
#Post#: 18804--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 8, 2016, 9:08 pm
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How many contradictions and paradoxes can you entertain. It's a
pretty good measure of where you are at.
Advice, puke and get on with life.
Love ya, Jed.
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