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#Post#: 16507--------------------------------------------------
self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: November 26, 2015, 2:46 am
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Hi Jed,
My question relates to your spiritual autolysis process. I read
your books (again) this year just after what might have been the
first step/dark night. I had little motivation to anything
(except from fear of being wrong) because i felt existance was
futile, and my entire life was just thoughts i'd believed. There
was nothing to hold onto and i was grasping at nothing. But
also, life was totally normal. I started self inquiry/spiritual
autylosis and felt things shedding rapidly. But my outside
role/words/relationships actually stayed the same, i was still
in automatic mode. I started to feel like i was going pretty
mad, like who the **** is Jed anyways and why am i burning my
world to the ground? What if im wrong? And i got stuck on 'the
heart is part of the ego' thought, and became quite paralysed by
it. I then opened a book i had previously been taking lessons
from and read more detail about self enquiry- more specifically
'non relational self enquiry'. The mind enquiring into the mind.
I really dont feel like i have much contact with inner
'stillness/ the observer from which to do my enquiry from. But
also isnt that the point of self enquiry too? It seems likely to
me that people who use self autolysis successfully must already
have enough of this so the enquiries dissapate (when the
question is seen clearly as you say) into stillness instead of
getting caught in the mind net. Perhaps my first step wasn't big
enough, or wasnt even that. I cant even say that my
realisations i felt i was having were my own, but maybe was just
reeeeeally 'believing yours'. Is purity of intent enough?
#Post#: 16508--------------------------------------------------
Re: non relational self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 26, 2015, 3:52 am
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Dear Jah:
It can be, but who is it what has this purity of intent? Find
out that and you will have nothing else to do.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 16512--------------------------------------------------
Re: non relational self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: November 26, 2015, 5:39 am
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Yes all questions seem stupid except one.. Of course the
response will always be "but who is the one asking the
question?" !
But it has just occurred to me that the 'i' that is observing
seems not to be able to be observed itself. Im operating under
the assumption that i will find 'myself, as though im not
already here.
So why keep looking, what am i searching for? And why don't i
know who i am? It seems absurd! I AM.
The 'search' is a great trap of the ego. A noble lie.
So all i have to do is stop believing what im not, stop
identifying with what arises from the 'i'. Actually i dont know
where anything arises from.
And then whats left?
It appears this is what you mean by all thoughts are false. The
quest for enlightenment must also be dropped. Is there really
one who is unenlightened?
I asked if purity of intent is enough, but i see now the
question is irrelevant. Thankyou. Purity of intent is
choiceless. I cant trace back any responsibility for anything. I
can only see the moment i notice it, i identify with it.
A month ago i felt a sense of surrendering aka releasing the
tiller. It made me 'watch' more than 'find'. It quietened my
search which i found worrysome but just now i see that maybe the
searching was resisting what is.
But there seems to be a split. Like what i talked about before-
non relational self enquiry. I speak about the
awareness/observer 'i' as though i know it, but im only thinking
'about' it, assuming it exists and i am that.
Another thought.
I realise i write with a lot of rhetorical questions (well they
are for me to answer) so I don't think i have one for you except
to ask if this is making sense? Or should i page refresh and
start again? haha
#Post#: 16514--------------------------------------------------
Re: non relational self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 26, 2015, 6:49 am
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8) ::) :P
#Post#: 16558--------------------------------------------------
Re:Self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: November 27, 2015, 8:21 pm
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Hi Jed,
So as i begin to drop the identification with my thoughts and
beliefs in order to get to whats left, presumably who i really
am, i see that every thought is a past thought and was gone
before i even noticed that i identified with it. There is
nothing to find in the past, the past is another thought. Its a
life's work to rake over the ashes of every belief ive
identifiied with as real or me.
There must be a bigger switch. Or maybe it becomes automatic to
not identify with the thoughts through this process...It only
matters if i KEEP idetntifying with them.
As i do this writing each day i sense an emptiness. Fear then
latches onto the emptiness (which seems to be fear of no self)
and says FILL FILL! Keep busy. In fact, my emotional spectrum
has pretty much narrowed down to FEAR, choking on fear.
Its hard to do this self autolysis without the assumption that i
am awareness/silence, nothingness, oneness etc as ive heard it a
thousand times. It seems like a staged discovery. So i don't
want to defer to anyone else, but i also don't trust myself and
I keep losing my thread of enquiry as i analyse my own trickery.
Its muddy waters so far.
So instead of un-identifying with my thoughts like i wrote in my
last msg, i enquired into the space between the thoughts in case
there is an identification/assumption there. Although this all
sounds so paradoxical haha.
If i come to the present, what is here, is there a sense of 'i'?
Things are being perceived with senses, actually not just the
senses. Is the brain a sense?
Actually what does 'perceived' mean? It seems its an
interpreting within a context of beliefs. It doesn't appear
anything can be noticed without being interpreted..?
I cant really say anything is being perceived 'by' anyone. I
would normally say me, but i cant find a 'me'. It seems my
'me-ness' is contained within the body, but when raking over it
individually i cant find a location. The centre of the head
seems closest, although im looking at it, not from it still.
In between the thoughts there just seems to be space. The
awareness of things like my heart beat seem projected onto this
space.
It seems like thoughts spontaneously arrive. I cant find an
origin.
Im aware of the space/emptiness though so that cant be me, but
it could be a reflection.
It just feels like a combination of things make up what seems to
be me, but none have any substance individually.
I dont know where to go from there?
Thanks for your time
#Post#: 16559--------------------------------------------------
Re: non relational self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: November 27, 2015, 8:23 pm
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Also i read your notice board but it didn't say any rule about
word count i hear ppl talking about, have i missed something?
Cheers
#Post#: 16569--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 28, 2015, 3:29 am
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Yes, rules are buried deep, 250 words max, less words the
better, for both you and I.
You are doing just fine, stay with it. Don't expect anything
particular or special, just stay open to all that arises.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 16668--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jah
Date: December 2, 2015, 1:50 am
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Hi Jed,
In the last week some of the latent issues that have been going
on all year to varying degrees have re-surfaced (and
intensified) & the theme of suffering has come up. As well as
death (that old chestnut). While having my usual responses in
the events (there was a slight degree of separateness in it
though) i was also able to look at it head on with self inquiry.
But I just can't find the one who is suffering, yet here i am
with a tight chest, anger rolling, anxiety, tears etc. I see
that 'suffering' is thoughts i'm believing, but when 'seeing
through' them i get to the point where its the thought that
'nothing exists' but then that's a thought too. Everything falls
in on itself when i inquire, like words are just mush that
contradict themselves and cant really explain what im asking
for. But there is still no relief from my 'suffering' except
that it comes and goes in waves. I inquired into death as i was
sitting in a funeral for a 5 month old baby and i find myself
crying to see her parents suffering but i cant find who will die
or what that means for me, the answer is always just 'I dont
know' and therefore i felt no different.
What is standing in the way? Should i change my inquiry?
#Post#: 16670--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 2, 2015, 1:54 am
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You think you know what you are shooting for, you know the
target. You can't know the target, only and imagined target.
What specifically do you want, really, really want?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 16697--------------------------------------------------
Re: self enquiry
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 3, 2015, 12:24 am
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There are many misconceptions about Truth and Truth Realization.
Truth cannot be know as that would make the knower greater than
Truth, impossible. However, and this is the biggey, you can
realize that Truth IS. There is a subtle but important
difference, one is not attainable, the other is.
Love ya, Jed.
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