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#Post#: 751--------------------------------------------------
Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: September 7, 2014, 10:54 am
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Hey. I think I've read eveything I needed to proceed, so I'm
going to start doing so. I was mailing Jed before the start of
the forum, and I was only asking the essential in my viewpoint,
to avoid waste of time from me and from him. Here I am a bit
more free to say about my journey that I ended up going without
my consent.
Well, I was a young boy trying to do the best I knew, I was in
college, getting a degree in Math, teaching in a school and at
home. Had a nice place with parents, good friends, and a strong
will to learn from life. The latter was essential to get out of
the wheel (the wheel of dharma, it suits the situation).
I wasn't satisfied with my life. People tend to say that when
present is shit, you have to improve it to get a better future.
So that's what I was doing. Until there was the "fall". Work was
attached to university, in the sense that losing university, I'd
lose work. It happened that I was so obsessed with getting a
vehicle that I couldn't study, just work. Then, because of low
grades, I quit the university. And work. And then I wasn't doing
anything. I was lost. The problem with this wasn't quitting the
job or university. It's because I held the picture of a smart
guy to family and friends, and getting kicked out of university
because of grades was shameful to me. Shame was a strong prison.
It held me doing so many useless stuff. Anything to not feel
ashamed.
Then, the final blow was when I met a woman. I don't know why,
in my life, men, like my friends and co-workers provided order
to my mind, and the women in my relationships provided chaos in
my mind. It's interesting. This last woman brought chaos like
I'd never imagine. The thing is, I was dating her, but I was
needy. I wanted to be with her all time. But I knew I couldn't.
I was profoundly afraid to lose her. So I didn't tried to avoid
the pain this time doing something, like being mad at her, using
alcohol, or anything, because I knew I couldn't do anything
about it. Instead, I felt every drop of fear I was feeling,
suffocating, but I knew that everything was in my mind. It was
funny, I knew that I had no reason to fear, because there was no
relationship, (not in the TR sense, the delusional relationship
didn't exist too). She was liking me, everyone expected us to
get along, but I couldn't because of fear. And this time, I
didn't run from fear, I looked directly at it. It consumed a lot
of energy, but I learned a lot from it. Then I broke everyone's
hope, she dumped me and, when I lost her, part of the fear was
gone. It was like the weight of getting everything right was
lifted from my back. I felt better. But still, depressed.
Then, I spoke to her, and said all that I felt, sincerely. This
was probably the first time I could speak without hiding behind
masks. What mask could I have? I was on the ground, with no
work, nor studies, nor relationships I could brag of. I was on
the ground. Why lie? Her answer was quite sincere too, more than
even she thinks. She just said that she coudn't help me, but she
wished me luck getting over all this. Then there went a week of
trying to absorb all this together. I still had my very wounded
ego, I was trying to figure out how to heal it, or something
like this. So I was on a hard time. I could have dropped on an
addiction or killed myself, I don't know how I endured so well
the hit. So, one day, I was thinking about my life till this
day. I had no university. No job. No relationship. No debts.
Some money. Then something clicked my mind. I was free. I could
just kick everything off and go do anything from the start. I
looked at the emptiness of my life and felt grateful for the
first time for losing something.
Then, I've decided to get away from everyone I know for just a
bit. With a R$1000 I could go to a place more away from city and
spend some time. I had no plans of what to do when I get there,
I just bought the bus ticket and reserved an hostel. when to
return or what to do I didn't even know. It happened that this
trip was fucking awesome. At the start, I was afraid of many
things, I don't know, so many fears. But as time passed on the
first day, I knew that all I needed was, like one of the hostel
people taking care said, let everything flow. So there it went,
slowly I've let it flow, and stuff happened everyday, like all
the beauty of just forget about the future. What happened there
I never got to describe in words. Later, I was invited to a
buddhist retreat. So I went. And I got to talk to the guru after
the event. Just a normal talk, but at one moment, I had to ask
about my insatisfaction. About not having what I wanted. About
being needy. So I felt bad sometimes. He then said that I needed
to embrace the feeling and then release it. Then the feeling was
exactly the insatisfaction of not getting what I want. Of not
controlling what happened to me. Then the click was when he said
"then you release the control". When he said it, in those
circumstances, it was profound to me. I understood, only in
these words, that no real control exists. It was like a summary
of my trip. You're happy with the car you just bought one day,
and the other day you're sad because your car is ruined on an
accident. You're all right one day, the other you may die from
infection. You've got university and work and one day you are
with nothing.
So then, I started to get rid of the illusion of control. It was
on the way back that someone showed me the "Enlightenment
Trilogy". It was funny. We were coming back to where I live, but
on the way the car overheated, and we had to stop in his place
and rest for the night. The other day, I was talking about
buddhism and the enlightenment that was said sometimes there,
and then he showed me the first book. With the disclaimer, I
understood that this was the real deal. No spiritual bs, just
the practical stuff. It took some time to read the books, and
had a hard time with misunderstanding. Many things I couldn't
just understand. At the same time, I was trying to understand
the world without the need of controlling it. It was a slow
process. I think I'm still in this process, getting to rely on
God or something that deals the cards in this life.
Last month, after finishing the fall, I understood what means
that my ego means nothing. I have no need to hold the mask of a
nice person, or smart person, or anything. I am an actor, but
now I know that I am not the character. So here I am now,
getting along with this new perception, the two main statements
that changed my life.
1. No control exists.
2. I am not the character. I am acting, and I act as it suits
me, but the acting means nothing.
Then, I am right now in this place, getting to fit these ideas
in my perception. Sometimes I try to explain this to a friend or
anyone, but it always ends up with misunderstanding or something
like this. The only friend that got the nearest said that I lost
my will to get better in life, and that I accepted losing. It
was the nearest way to describe my place in the ego-bound
perception right now. I don't want to get a job anymore. Money
comes as I do a work here and there, and it's all I need. I
don't have any plans for the future. It was okay, but I needed
something to pass the time, so I went back to university. It is
free here, you just have to pass a test, so I could study math,
which is fun. No responsibilities, except that if I get bad
grades now, I'll be kicked out again. Okay. Not giving a shit
anymore.
This is my story. I try to find what was I seeking all this
time, and looks like it is not truth, or human adulthood, or
happiness, hell, I know I was seeking something, like getting
rid of the itch on my mind. I am like staring at the horizon
right now, with nothing to do, just chill here in life,
sometimes getting pissed off, but not taking it personally, and
sometimes all alone, which is good when I am not with the need
of a person to be with me, sometimes I want to just have someone
to talk. I don't have any plans for the future and if I need I'd
live in a cardboard box, but luckily I don't, I'm almost 21 and
don't plan to live more than 40 years. Just wanna have some fun,
sometimes get laid and get some good pleasure from life.
So, Jed, I know I am not done yet. And there is still some fear
in me, I can go Further, but I don't feel like it right now. I
think I will finish university and then live somewhere closer to
nature, I don't know. What is your take on this journey, Jed? I
wanted to know how close I am to not having any fear, I still
tend to feel bad about rejection, like when I meet a woman and
she doesn't feels like going out with me. But don't take it
personally anymore. It's just life doing life stuff. But it's
probably what bothers me the most. I am concerned about
rejection more than loneliness (because the feeling of
loneliness comes only with rejection first. No rejection, I am
alone, rejected I am lonely.)
#Post#: 753--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 7, 2014, 11:06 am
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Hi Barros:
Thank you for your sincere sharing. I enjoyed reading it, but
that's not really the point of all this.
Kick in the pants time. You don't need to do anything. You still
have a little control thing going on and it manifest with girls.
I think all humans have some of that, very deep.
You really don't have any control, so what does it matter if
someone is pretending to love you or not. It's a fine place to
be and the less you care the more chance of something worthwhile
coming your way.
I think you should just keep on doing what you are doing. It
sounds like a wonderful way to spend your youth and trust that
what you need to learn or experience will come your way on it
owns. All we can ever do is try to push it away, block it or
control it. Not a great strategy but you know that already. You
would be called a 'greenhorn' in the cowboy days, but you should
consider yourself a pretty lucky greenhorn.
Write as you feel inclined.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 770--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: September 7, 2014, 7:42 pm
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It's really deep, one of the problems is the hope. Hope is a
very convincing delusion... It's very easy to believe something
will go as I wanted sometimes.
I see you used the word "pretending". I think I know what you're
saying, that in fact, to feel satisfaction, I don't even need to
have real love, if it exists, just the pretending. Is that what
you're saying? Can you talk more about this?
#Post#: 782--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 8, 2014, 1:17 am
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Dear Barros:
As long as there is a 'you' there is pretending. That's all a
'you' can ever do. We all pretend to a greater or lesser degree.
A truly T/R person doesn't need to pretend. They can if they
want, but then they are only pretending to pretend, usually with
the goal of moving someone who is stuck.
Don't try to figure too much out because 'you' can't. Just relax
and breath. It will come to you.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 810--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: September 8, 2014, 7:04 am
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I know I am not attached to the character. I don't hold any
masks of a smart person anymore, nor try to manipulate what
people think about me. I think this is the pretending, which I
don't do anymore, at least i am not aware of doing this. That's
what people around me do, try to hide flaws and show qualities,
when I don't even think a flaw is a flaw, nor a quality is a
quality.
This is what I've understood so far. Sometimes I think I've
understood what I need so far in the matter of self, but as you
can see, I've got some things to work yet.
So this isn't what you mean with no-self, right? It makes sense,
it is more about not trying to control too. LuckiIy I am in no
hurry, I'll take my time to figure out this stuff by myself.
#Post#: 1086--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: September 14, 2014, 7:52 am
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So I am here. I am questioning what I know so far. What I really
learned till today, like, what is so special in what I know?
There were many things I learned. However, it can be summarized
in - no control is possible, and terms like future, dignity,
honor are mere human constructions.
What changed in my actual world with these facts? It made many
questions about our society not to be answered, but to be proven
that they make no sense at all. These questions about poverty,
wars, religion, it is all originated by fear and illusion of
control. So that's a reason that I think sometimes I've made
enough progress in life. The answers I sought were just found by
the destruction of the illusion of control. However, I still
find that I've got some conflicts, and I try to go further
inside those to have a better view of my inner world.
I understand that the concept of no-self is what is missing to
understand another part of what's going on. But it's funny how
real the human drama feels from here. It's like I don't want to
see that there's no one... Is the price of self-unknowing so
high that I don't want to pay it?
I want to know what the hell I've learned so far. I know there
is something that makes my world different from the world of
people around me. However, I don't know exactly what it is.
Nothing changed, except that the war against the world is over,
there is nothing to win anymore, and nothing to lose anymore.
Before I needed to fight against everything to conquer my world,
get the perfect job, the perfect wife, the perfect house. Now I
just dropped the sword and the enemies turned into flowers
around me.
In the place I am now, I see not many people that share the same
view as me. In fact, I don't know anyone who got this far too.
But where I live, it's like I am out of place, like a tree in
the middle of the desert. Everyone has the wrong idea of
control.
Where are those people who stopped trying to control?
What am I now?
Is HA at the end the road I am going?
#Post#: 1091--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 14, 2014, 8:38 am
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Hi Barros:
I think one of your challenges is you think there are other
people in the world. Not so, there is the appearance of others
in you. Forget about others and control issues. Of course the
human drama feels real, because you still think you are real.
Your mind may reason that you don't exist but you still believe
you do. Find you and let me know where it starts and stops, what
shape and color it is and how old it is.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1102--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: September 14, 2014, 12:00 pm
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But then... this is probably the only thing that I used to give
meaning to what I've been doing... Why would "I", I mean, why
would knowing this solve my questions? I have no idea... I can't
prove you are right unless I go and do it. But there's a price
to all this, a price that is real to me, no matter how useless
illusion is. I should really give time to think about this.
#Post#: 2310--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: October 6, 2014, 6:38 am
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Yeah, when you said to give time, it makes sense. All the human
drama, all the conflicts, all the suffering, it all is just a
consequence of the false belief that "I" need to have a specific
set of characteristics that we call "personality". When someone
says "I'd NEVER eat poo", they think that "I" should never eat
poo because this is a characteristic of the "I". What would
happen if someday, sometime, this person actually have to eat
poo? It would be an identity crisis. The person would prefer die
or kill rather than contradict the belief that "I" should never
eat poo. Or maybe I am exaggerating and it just would be very
unpleasant to eat poo.
And this belief is intimately related to morals, honor, dignity,
and human values that has no meaning whatsoever. So then, we
create rules to try to fit everyone on these standards, laws,
ethics, and then everyone needs to have its own mask, its own
identity, and expect that their masks will be recognized and
respected.
I am less and less fond of society, and all of its bullshit, all
the vanity. I am struggling to not leaving society and live on a
cave, I've got my mask, and I act as the mask looks like, but I
know that it's just a mask, and it bothers me.
On the other side, I am trying to understand what happens in the
works of my perception. I figured that what is in my world is
continually distorted by the emotions that I feel. Enraged, the
world changes. In love, I've got another world. Drunk, another
world. And it all changes from day to night. There's no fixed
world. I can live in heaven and hell at the same day.
I realize that my desire is what moves me. But desire is
never-ending, never satisfied. And I know this, but I can't help
but follow desire. Desire is fear. But fear of what? Of no self?
What am I trying to hide from?
#Post#: 2691--------------------------------------------------
Re: Barros
DIR By: Barros
Date: October 11, 2014, 9:54 am
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!!!!
So that is what it means. Hell, when we mean I am Consciousness,
it's plain and simple. I am animating this body. I am not this
body. I have no relation with this body except that my
consciousness is givin life to it. When this body fades, what
will happen? Will my consciousness animate another body? A
baron? A thief? A dog? A bug?
Doesn't matter, what I have now is this body, and when seeking
desire, I seek satisfaction for this body, not Consciousness. My
body was thinking it was my consciousness and vice versa. When
suffering, it is my body. When pleased, it is my body being
pleased. As of my consciousness, there is Emptiness giving life
to the body.
I have no idea of what I just discovered means. Nothing,
perhaps?
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