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#Post#: 666--------------------------------------------------
Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: September 6, 2014, 6:40 am
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Hi Jed,
Much thanks for doing it.
I'm too long in this journey, about 15 years or more.
Unfortunately most of it included seeking spiritual experiences,
being loved by gurus, trying all kinds of nondual traditions
(which were confusing and not useful), and expecting sudden
fireworks, that will somehow dispell the world of experiences
that was thought as the cause for suffering.
In the last 3 years I've been engaging in a more honest
investigation. I thought it would end the search, but I didn't
realize how sticky beliefs are.
I've been in somewhat unhealthy inquiry enviroments, where it
seemed as if everyone gets it easily (until I realized lately
how fake and culty they actually were), and that led me to think
for a while that something is wrong with my ability to
assimilate truth. I was feeling totally despair and depression
for not being able to live the truth, felt sense of emptiness no
meaning and aloneness as a result of inquiry, and thoughts about
being a failure without a chance to ever wake up. Then I started
(about half a year ago) a thorough psychological and childhood
teraphy that kind of clarified much of those emotions, and that
put me in emotional balance. So I started to feel first time of
my life the blessing of self acceptance (after 30+ years of
strict self judgment and guilt). It also seemed that I could
value more the things that I've discovered in inquiry, even when
bad emotions appear.
I will state what is somehow clear andwhat is not. I do see some
significant flaws in the common p.o.v. The most significant is
the fact that thoughts are talking about themselves as "me",
while the only thing that can be sure about me is pure knowing
of the experience (and *as* the experience). It has been seen
that awareness/existence does not "belong" to a "me", because
"me" is a thought story. There is also a superficial division of
"me" and "not me" that makes no real sense. While those are
clear in investigation, during life the stories of "me" as a
desirer, sufferer, and doer show up again and again and somehow
believed. I look again and again at thoughts that says "I
suffer", at body sensations that are labeled "bad" and at
thought claiming that something can be better than this
experience, and find it extremely difficult to see that nobody
is affected in the midst of intense emotions. In other words,
"me" thought are still believed and "me" has not yet been truly
falsified.
The things that are less clear are - 1. Is there anything
outside of direct experience? (for example, do other people have
their own experiences, or is there is only one experience. Maybe
there is no experience at all...). 2. If consciousness/existence
are also concepts, can it still be said that those are the
nature of truth? Can I even claim that "there is something
here"? 3. Can I really trust this kind of inquiry based on
direct experience and logic? (the epistemologic questions). In
dreams for example, a distorted logic can make sense. 4. If
there is truly no "me", to whom freedom is and why beliefs are a
problem at all?
It doesn't seem as if I'm 100% sure about this investigation,
and it seems as if I'm waiting that it will all make perfect
sense without contradictions. I see the flaws in the old p.o.v
from more and more angles, but still hold to the old views.
Well, not exactly, sometimes there is a thought that some belief
are shaked, but it's not what I expect, which is true freedom
from "little me" with all associated wrong beliefs (and from the
suffering belief of course). Preferably I would like this Moksha
that Vedanta is talking about and not some pale intellectual
understanding.
I have a desire to live what I have already seen. I suspect that
maybe I'm not brave enough to throw the old ways of thinking.
Could be a fear of a situation without future goals anymore.
It also seems that there is procrastination. While in my old
goodie spiritual days I meditated for hours waiting for the
explosion, now when I don't have this belief, I'm sometimes
spending time on unhealthy things like reading news, web forums,
or engaging in totally with my work. I do feel that it is
escape, escape of unpleasant emptiness and boredom, and escaping
the bad emotions that inquiry stays intellectual.
I would be very grateful for an advice.
Matt
P.S I've been a member in your forum for a few years, not one of
the active ones though . I thought it's better to start fresh
here, but I don't care to tell the nickname if you think it
would be helpful.
#Post#: 671--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 6, 2014, 8:06 am
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Hi Matt:
Welcome and thanks for sharing. It's a little mushy and
bliss-ninnieish. I know that you know the answer to all the
questions you asked. You simple can't ask without knowing the
answer, in fact, the answer comes before the question otherwise
you would know to ask it, but that's a little deep for now.
What is really important to you right now? The most important
thing in your world?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 766--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: September 7, 2014, 3:10 pm
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Hi Jed,
The first thought was that you are right, I can figure out the
answers, and writing them here is because I still don't trust
myself enough as an authority of truth.
Then it came to me that all those questions and answers are just
mastu*bating thoughts, and what do I have to do with them.
About your question, right now it seems that
love-acceptance-intimacy-feeling at home are in focus. As
strange as it may sound, I never valued those things until
lately. I used to think that love is overrated and not one of my
interests. Probably the childhood therapy opened up something
and it feels like healing. Yes, mushy. So those qualities are
important. Besides, there is a desire for freedom, for enjoying
the fruits of truth. So inquiry is a dear part of my life. I
would like to have clarity about what I am and what I am not, to
live the truth. I'm fed up with talking and analyzing.
Matt
#Post#: 785--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 8, 2014, 1:29 am
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What you are and what your are not, heh???
WOW! Heck of a question. But I'm not going to answer it.
You tell me. You know it right now, right where you are, no
stories or B.S.
Start with tell in me what you are not. Contemplate. How would
you know that you are not something?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 905--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: September 9, 2014, 3:22 pm
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Hi Jed,
When I ask "what am I?" there is an undeniable presence, it is
known directly, not in the regular form of knowing, which makes
it so confusing. It is sure known, but WHAT the hell is known??
the inability to grasp it in labels, drives me (or something
impersonating to be me) crazy. It seems that when I ask this
question there are also appearances like sensations, sights and
sounds and labeling of experience, so the question appears -
what are the relation of those appearances to me as
knowing/presence? there is probably an expectation to know
myself as one undivided thing and not as labeled experience. I
want to understand what are those colors and sounds, and why it
is being said that all is nondual consciousness when those guys
are out there and seem to be definitely more than one form.
About your question, how would I know that I am not something -
At first I thoght that if there is disance between me and
something, then it is not me. But I don't know if there is
really a distance, because knowing is direct (meaning, no
distance), but there is very deep rooted assumption of physical
space, and an assumption that "me" even as awareness located
somewhere near the body.
I don't know if I can even take an object and ask if this is who
I am, because the object is already a point of view of
separation. Sorry if I am theorizing too much, seems that I'm
obsessive about accuracy, and some of the questions are already
wrong by their definitions and assumptions.
And I also know that if it appears as a content of thought it is
not me. For example, the thought "I am hungry" - this thought is
talking as though it is me. It seems that there is no connection
between the me as the knowing aspect/ totality of experience,
and those words that are talking about someone who is supposed
to be me. I know that it isn't me, because this story and the
person in it are not aware. The thought itself is not far from
me, but the content of thought is far because it's imagination.
Thought can somehow invent complex objects out of basic
appearances. I would sum it up that every thought content that
cannot even be found as appearances, is disconnected from the
awaress that is now self aware, therefore is not who am I.
Matt
#Post#: 2657--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: October 10, 2014, 12:21 pm
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Hi Jed,
I have been thinking lately about connecting with you again,
reading others` posts for a while. Just shooting in the dark,
because I have no idea what can help. Thought is asking for help
:). Looking back it seems that the "path" is surprising and
unexpected.
The thing that bothers me the most, and that's the question now
- how to live what has been revealed and really grasp its
implications?
It seems that inquiry is going on for a long time. I question
again and again, things are revealed, insights happen, but
mostly stay as nice memories. For example, your question about
"what is not me" was great, but it never comes to the point it's
clear that "This is it. Nothing more to inquire". There is a
wish for shift and living from truth point of view. Life is
quite flat currently.
I wonder if it's a matter of time, to keep inquiring, or that
there is something else I'm missing, maybe a wrong idea,
expectation of fear that prevents inquiry seeds from blooming.
Maybe you can sense something with your lazer beams.
Thanks in advance,
Matt
#Post#: 2678--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: October 11, 2014, 3:49 am
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Just to make clear that I wish to truly be clear that this "me",
or anything about this body-mind, is not who I am. And it is
mostly expressed as wanter/thinker. In inquiry I see a tendency
to avoid looking at "I" in the eye, specially at desires. I seem
to run away instead of using the master key and look deeply and
continuously at the nature of thought, that is not truly
senscient. Maybe it is a fear of death, because if wanting is
falsified there is no more fuel to the "me". Maybe the real
question is how to get bigger balls?
#Post#: 2681--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 11, 2014, 4:06 am
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Yes, bigger kahunees!
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5035--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Matt Ricks
Date: November 23, 2014, 4:47 pm
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Hi Jed,
Every evening I'm hesitating about posting here, because I'm not
sure if I'm doing well or need help. Those thoughts are changing
rapidly.
On the one hand, I have trust in the process of inquiry that is
going on. On the other hand, it might be that inquiry became a
nice habit and I'm actually not seeing the real obstacles.
The fact is that everytime when inquiry stops, the old ways of
thinking are crawling back...as if I'm back to step one, and
then I am the gate keeper again, clinging to the inquiry's
results, to the hope of full clarity about the nature of reality
in the future. And there is a desire to have the most complete
"done" status, the SAT-CHIT-ANANDA thingy, to see through all
the possible illusions and a fear to miss any aspect of
reality. Therefore, I became familiar with different
traditions/inquiry methods and trying to settle them all and
realize the truth.
And this is surely a "ME", a seeker, an inquirer, an experiencer
of the relief when truth is seen, an experincer of frustration
when stories are back.
But how can I release the seeking process if there is a
convinction that I'm not clear yet and that I should be?
And there are also those painful longings to the past spiritual
experiences, or to the experience as a child when life was fresh
and wonderous. Life seems pretty meaningless and dull and there
is a thought "What have I done to myself? I ruined my life...",
because it's clear that worldly desires had lost their sting
forever, but there is no surrogate. Kind of half death state.
Not such a big suffering however, because I can always notice
that suffering is thoughts and sensations, so it is not
amplified as before. Just ordinary samsara, "I want something
else" style.
When you wrote that you will be busy soon, I felt a little
stress to write again. Your presence always brings me back to
truth and I cling to that too, to this kind of virtual temple
that clarifies the mind again. I was also concerned that I will
not be accepted as a one-on-one process, that I'm not good
enough, not cool enough for you. (I have some childhood
issues...working this out with a therapist)
I'm not sure what to write, but the greatest desire is still to
be clear about what I am and what I am not. And sometimes it
seems that I'm in the same thought loops again and again. "I am
awareness, but I don't feel like it, I feel like a person". "I
am awareness but what is this world of objects about? I can't
see awareness and objects as one, always seem as if there is
some addition of form to awareness". "Can awareness be without
objects at all?"...and so on.
I undertand if you are busy and can't answer...I just wanted to
update, in case you feel like saying something...
Thanks for reading :)
Matt
#Post#: 5119--------------------------------------------------
Re: Matt Ricks
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 25, 2014, 5:38 am
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You think you aren't good enough or cool enough, and you are
going through therapy for it?
I don't know what to say because I am absolutely sure you are
enough and cool.
Love ya, Jed.
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