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#Post#: 609--------------------------------------------------
Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 5, 2014, 8:52 am
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At the moment there is one big lie in my life.
I say i want to die. I mean i want to die as in disappearing
complely, me, myself, and I.
But it's a lie. The reason i'm stil here is that, at the moment
of truth i couldn't handle it, and fell back in all my hatred
for my so called outer tormentors, or rather myself projected in
shadows of so called orthers who tormented me. My choice was:
rather be in hell than losing it all. How stupide can you be, i
aks myself?
So there's the lie, rather then acept my own stupidness i say:"
i want to die,"when it's really out of the question that i want
to die really. There is allways the first this and that issue...
And the issue is how can i torment myself as much as posible. It
sounds awfull, i know, but's the truth when i be honest.
Ok background: really doesn't matter, what i wrote above is it.
Questions?: not at the moment. Just trying to find my way back
to what's real, so that means give up the illusionary story of
me, myself and i, and most of all the selfhatred and wanting
satisfaction in that.
Easy task i would say....
So what's left? Really don't know...
#Post#: 610--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 5, 2014, 8:59 am
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Dear Grump:
I think you understand pretty well that there has to be a you
there in order to suffer. I think you can figure things out.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 612--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 5, 2014, 9:31 am
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Hai Jed, that was quick....
Yes i do and think so to. How many years it will take before i
give up my wanting and demanding even, don't know.
Although, i have to put some feathers in my own ass for
projecting some shadows that assist me in finding my way back.
If i'll be listing or understand in my currently status, for al
that matter, is hole different story, :-D
In time i maby write some more, don't know. For now i leave it
at lurking, that's for all the best i think....hahaha
See you later, and thanks.
#Post#: 624--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 5, 2014, 12:25 pm
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Dear Sparrow:
No problem, go into hibernation. You may get something from
reading other folks post and my various responses. It's a good
idea to pretend each response was written ONLY for you, no one
else.
Love ya, Jed (and each was actually written only for you, that's
not b.s.).
#Post#: 639--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 5, 2014, 6:45 pm
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--- Quote from: Jed McKenna link ---
>
> Dear Sparrow:
>
> No problem, go into hibernation.
--- End Quote ---
Hai Jed, Go into? I'm already into hibernation.....
--- Quote ---
> You may get something from reading other folks post and my
various responses. It's a good idea to pretend each response was
written ONLY for you, no one else.
--- End Quote ---
Like the 'various' in your responses :-D. But all joking
aside.....About the rest: just my thoughts and feeling, so
agreed
--- Quote ---
> Love ya, Jed (and each was actually written only for you,
that's not b.s.).
>
--- End Quote ---
Please tell me what b.s. means, thks
Greatz Sparrow
#Post#: 650--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 5, 2014, 11:49 pm
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Dear Sparrow;
'not b.s.' means I am not making it up, every reply I right is
for you, learn, enjoy, reject, up to you, but they are intended
just for you.
#Post#: 663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 6, 2014, 5:51 am
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Thks For explain what b.s. means. About the rest.....grumpy is
popping up now, i did understand what you said Jed..... So there
was no need to go into repitition; says grumpy, forgetting about
your freedom to say what ever you feel the need to say.
By the way i was thinking about the hibernationthing last night.
I found myself awake in coffin deep underground, hellish dreams
that usely consume me and keep me away form realizing the truth
from where i am at the moment where gone for a minute or two.
Fear is running truth my veins, i'm dieing. My God why it's
taking this long - stupid question, i know - breathing stil
going strong. I think about what is really freaking me out and
how real it is what this freaking is build on. I just frighten
myself and there is really no need to do that. I'm dieing, i
like to celebrate this moment before if fall afsleep again.
#Post#: 665--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 6, 2014, 6:21 am
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Faling afsleep rignt now. Feel stupid, thinking i did missed the
point of your repeating words i already agreed on.
My insecurity as result of my so-called blindness is popping in.
It's a great wapon Maya uses to disarm me. Your blind what do
you know she says. I'm down and out, head is spinning from the
blow. What? Just shaken a little, thinks are clearing up now, i
think....
#Post#: 688--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 6, 2014, 11:14 am
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Dear Jed,
Just finished reading Jed McKenna's notebook. Just want to share
some thinks that touched me and did fall in to place with what i
did poorly try to make clear in my first post. Second: the talk
with Maggie about observation which ends with the frase about
killing the actor. This is it, that's what i'm trying to figure
out. I mean i'm suicidal in that way, just don't know how
to...i'm the one who creates Maya for some reason. I'm the
sourse of it all. I really need to die course maya can only die
when i die. Enough is enough, there comes a time when your done
playing in this wonderes world or universe we have been
creating. You understand what i mean Jed?
And then first the thing that left me crying a little bit is the
last chapter of the book in some kind of recognition. In my
case: when death woke me up and everything fell apart,death and
me made love and then, in mutual consent, we departed in full
awareness from what to come. I walkend back into this world,
complely naked, straight into my own hell. And there was ego who
jumpt on me to rip me apart. Oh i was so dispointed that i jump
of a mental clif straight into darkness. I felt every negatief
thing that ego's think about themself as my own. I was so sick
of me that I rejected even to eat or drink. Then there was that
inner voice commending me to go out and do something nice for
myself. I was so afraid to go out, but i did. The lid was on the
pot from that moment on. It took 3 month before i came to myself
a little bit. Than i went out again to the sticks and stones,
learing to deal with ego, and now i'm where i'm, i'm done.
Taking my last steps, need to remember, i know the way i'v been
there, route is somewhere in the back of my mind. Maybe leading
me already without me knowing consciously
At times i get so angry about what happend during the last few
years, but then again it was nessesary to fall back as far as i
did and make the choices i made to fall even deeper to the
bottem of the pit. Out of all my disepointment came this light,
i'm done. I told a few people about my longing for death, they
think i'm talking about comitting suïcide my body. But this is
going much deeper than that. I'm talking about destroying the
universe, time and space and all in it including me as a or the
creator of it.
And all this from reading a book, just felt the need to
share.....
#Post#: 700--------------------------------------------------
Re: Grumpy and old
DIR By: Sparrow
Date: September 6, 2014, 1:05 pm
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Well, Well, my little loveble sparrow, what you said about being
sick about you blabla is not intirely true is it?
The trues is that you collected all the ego**** arround you
becourse you resisted the trues about you. All that ego you
stept into was just an easy getaway you could blame for your
incompetence to accept. You where no better then anyone else for
that matter, and you know that if you honest to yourself.
:-* Grumpy
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