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#Post#: 13367--------------------------------------------------
Lo july
DIR By: Lo
Date: July 28, 2015, 10:36 pm
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Hi Jed,
I smoked cannabis which I pretty much never do. I've never had
an addiction. But after praying I did ask for help from the
plant which someone gave me. I smoked a minuscule amount- one
small breath- and went outside and sat, waiting for an answer. I
started writing and I realized that that I was seeing directly
into some core subconscious programming.
It was like a wide piece of tape that kept playing and had a
number of habitual, debilitating focuses and a bludgeoning way
of using everything to twist into a terrifying story about my
life. As I watched it, it just kept going and going. I had seen
pieces before but this was the first time I saw the whole thing.
It has always been obscured from me.
I see that my constant state of cruelty to myself is the only
land that I know (other than my awakening) and that in order not
be cruel to others I am quiet. I listen but don't talk too much.
(I'm not overtly cruel, but I'm quiet to avoid any words that
lack heart.)
This awareness started opening up a few days ago and I thought I
would have a nervous breakdown or have a stroke because I'm
really shocked at what's been happening in me all these years.
I'm shocked at how few cracks there are in this. It seems like a
really strong muscle and I feel it's just too heavy a load to
carry anymore. I've seen things in myself before- but not this
overall view of bedrock core issues like this.
I'm grateful that I've seen it so clearly, but I have no idea
how to come up against this. I'm willing, but despondent
because I have no idea what to do.
It's such a thorough thing. It's shocking. It's just a hell
that's always been here but that I've suddenly seen
macrocosmically, and now I can't endure it. Have you experienced
this? Please let me know if I haven' been clear, because I'm not
talking about finding strands here or there. I'm talking about
finding a whole "mother lode". Not sure what to do. I do yoga
daily and eat very well, etc.
Still in Hollywood, which I still am dumbfounded by. I walk
around in a stupor. Not enough nature.
all my love,
lo
#Post#: 13368--------------------------------------------------
Re: Lo july
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: July 29, 2015, 12:18 am
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Dear Lo:
I have not experienced exactly what you are talking about, but I
have a pretty good idea. I suggest you write me at
cambodianashram@gmail.com for this particular issue.
Love ya, Jed.
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