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#Post#: 359--------------------------------------------------
Marie - breaking through
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 2, 2014, 4:48 am
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On Wed, Aug 27, 2014 at 1:08 AM
Dear Jed - have been a lurker on the old forum for 2 years.
Are stuck, I think.
Must say that your description of the new forum is an answer to
my dreams. - Would so want to write here.
So scared that I am walking in circles, on the spot.
As I read it, are you actually offering to help a person like me
in my proces, - that nearly makes me cry.
Ok, Have worked tons of time with myself, but feels as if I am a
prisoner, who do not know how to break out.
And I remain so ****ing angry, again, as if I cannot come to an
end of it. Feel like my body could explode of anger.
The thought that you really are listening, overwhelming, and I
feel grateful,
Feel so lonely, in a solitude with all the inner life, and so
tired, I have been writing to my self a lot, but a wall I hit.
I am a person who like to write, BUT I do not know if I change
things or make them more compact.
I do have experiences of melting into space, with just a little
identificationspoint, or something, I could call me.
The part that knows after the experience. And I am longing, and
longing and longing.
I know this is very emotional, and bear over with that.
Now I will wait for your answer, and hope that you accept me
here.
This is not my mother tongue.
Hug Marie.
#Post#: 361--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 2, 2014, 4:57 am
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Hi Marie:
Thank you for writing and I am indeed here to assist, if that is
ever possible in this dream. I know your mother tongue is not
English, but don't be concerned. I understand you seek help, but
you only shared generalities and your stuck position. I am very
task oriented and deal in specifics because when things get
'fluffy' it usually means something it hiding. We have to be out
in the open.
I ask that you send me one question, the most important one in
your adventure towards TR. Also, I assure you that you are not
doing anything wrong. You are incapable of doing anything
wrong, regardless of what your mind says.
love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 362--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 2, 2014, 5:07 am
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I am so ready - this is it.
Everything in me stands to attention.
Wow - what a ride. Since your accepting me here, an energy
boost.
I have been gathering my troops, feeling like a warrior,
writing, writing, writing.
In 1994 I had an experience about love and truth being one,
truth lead to love.
In 1995 I came to an old hindu/sufi woman in London, Irina
Tweedie, she was 87 at the time, and the last 4 years of her
life, I was with her.
She gave me a meditation and talked about "nothingness" and
pointed me to the Bhagavadgita. I am deeply grateful to her.
She said that she could not change my life, but she could help
me speeding it up. and that happended.
Before that I have read most of Carl Gustav Jung, Stanislav
Grof and the christian mystics, mostly Theresa of Avila.
I am a psychologist by profession.
For the last years 10 years my life have been filled with 7
so-called un-timely deaths, by family and friends.
A very tired woman moved from Copenhagen out in the woods on an
island last year, and concentrated on just being here in the
nature,
These last 7 years I have been studying Lester levenson, Jean
Klein, Suzanne Segal, Byron Katie and your books. That has
impressed med deeply. And change my life.
Jean Klein has a meditation I like very much: breathing in
feeling the I and the spine and the body, and breathing out drop
it all, open to space. (my words).
I am one happy dancing queen....
Marie
#Post#: 364--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 2, 2014, 5:10 am
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Hi Marie:
Thank you, but I still didn't see any question. That's fine if
you have none. Not a problem. Levinson and Byron Katie have some
very good material. Not that familiar with Klein. Further, love
ya, Jed.
#Post#: 367--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 2, 2014, 5:18 am
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The one question:
I am so filled with anger and fear, have been all my life,
The shift for me was when I went for truth, and all the
Psychobabble showed to be a dead end.
For instance:
I cannot stop being angry at the 3 alkoholics in my family, I
can puke and I hate them, and sometimes I feel compassion for
them. And I see that it is not my business, and they are doing
what they are supposed to do, and all the stories of big happy
family is such a lie.
But it comes up again, as if it has hundreds of heads.
Am I then just continuing writing SA?
I am afraid there is no end to my anger.
Marie
#Post#: 368--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 2, 2014, 5:26 am
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Dear Marie:
Your questions is to 'continue writing SA'. I don't know. First
of all forget about all your experience and the 'ride'. It never
happened, only in your memory and it's so faulty you would be a
moron to believe it.
What I want is more focus, less story.
Tell me exactly what you want. Let me assist, and please don't
think I am talking down to you because very few English speakers
can do this properly.
It starts with 'What I really want is......... ' No more no
less.
If I just read what you wrote and start making assumptions I
make an ass of you and me. I want specifics. If you don't have
any, not a big deal, but contemplate a little perhaps. What is
it you really want, not like or hope for, really want?
Wanting is the same as desire and viewed by Buddha as the cause
of all suffering, but it's also a secret doorway. You might just
have the key, or perhaps I can point you to it... you never
know. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 454--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 3, 2014, 9:43 am
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Dear Jed.
“what I really want is”
Truth.
Some of my want is motivated by this shitty ego life, the
tremendous suffering of the ego world, I am just so tired of it,
I really, really, really want TRUTH.
Some of it is motivated by a deep longing for Truth. A deep
longing for Peace.
That is all that matters for me.
And your assistance is received with gratitude / Marie
#Post#: 460--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 3, 2014, 11:36 am
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Thank you Marie, I appreciate a straight answer. I have a few
things to clear up first.
What is it that you think Truth will give you or do for you?
This is a serious step, please consider.
Love ya, jed.
#Post#: 875--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 9, 2014, 3:25 am
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Dear Jed.
Yes, I do, Want the Truth.
I see it this way at the moment: I am always longing, I am
always searching, for many years.
5 years ago, I read Bernadette Roberts. ( not that I understood
that much). But deep in me a bell rang, and I felt : yes, It is
true, I am not going for the self, I am going for the No-self.
When I was with the Sufis, Rumi, Hafiz, Rabia. Yes, my heart
opened, and a lot of the bitterness and self-pity vanished. And
I was melting and loving. I am grateful for that.
Suddenly I realized that while the love opened my heart to God
and everybody, a part of my ego became so ****ing
self-sufficient whispering in my ear: what a wonderful loving
human being you are, better than the others - And I found that
in your book too.
So when the love feeling is arising , I watch my ego, and just
let the feeling be. It comes and goes. By itself.
I do not know what the Truth is.
But do though think that it is simple.
When I succeed in letting what arises just arise, and don’t
interfere or superimpose my greedy ego and my stories upon it,
then I think this smells a bit of Truth.
When I look at my ego, I can’t find anything else than a kind of
tape recorder, that not constantly, but a lot of time talks,
makes pictures, insist on being right etc. it is just a strange
cloudy thing.
If I am not aware, it takes over, it did, not that much anymore.
Except, if one of my holy cows have been awakened, then I have
to look for the belief in it, and puf it disappears, - when I
succeed in finding the black blind spot.
Maybe this ego thing will remain, and the journey of looking and
letting go continues. Maybe it is a part of being human, I do
not know. But the point is for me now, that it is ok. My ego
can be fighting fiercely for the right to keep its lies, and I
can be very confused and scared, and insight arises that makes
it possible to see through it.
For me it is kind of ok.
But that part of the adventure, do not really satisfy.
This hunger, this longing, this searching : I do want to find
what I am looking for, even if I don’t know what it is, only
other peoples descriptions.
You have found it, other people have found it, this is not for
comparison, only that I then know it is possible to find that
which is here, but behind curtains and veils, and through
finding it, there is no prison anymore. I want the prisoner out
of her prison, but I do not know what it is to live like that.
Only form your descriptions (and other “wise people”). And the
long time searching is kind of painful.
Thank you for your time and help / Marie.
#Post#: 882--------------------------------------------------
Re: Marie - breaking.
DIR By: Marie
Date: September 9, 2014, 6:12 am
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"Try this as a mantra if you like. To everyone and everything
you see (as much as you possibly can) ask yourself, 'How would I
know this is not me?'. Just float with any answer."
Only 3 hours yet - it has a strong impact on me, I get
completely soft, as if handed a newborn. And the answer is that
it IS me. Also the computer, the cat, the air...it is such a
relief. Or rather no barriers. I also laugh because there is no
room for my ego here. All the ****ing seriousness. This is
good...
Thank you for that "mantra".
Marie.
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