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#Post#: 11727--------------------------------------------------
where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 17, 2015, 1:19 am
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Hi Jed,
Oh, I'm sorry I posted in someone else's thread. I'll try this
again now;
I woke up/changed about a year and a half ago after 7 days of
shutting myself away in my house with with no telephone, TV or
reading,etc. My gender, name and even my humanness flew way into
the background. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Now I live in a kind of in between world. I cannot go back. But
I can't participate where there is no motivation to do anything
either. I still have some momentum left from my past. I have no
intense attachments really except to shelter, a relatively
physically safe environment and my dog. But if I felt direction
to give any of these things up- I would. I do my best to avoid
most people because I'm uncomfortable engaging and because I'm
likely to just stare or sort of walk away. I'm afraid that if
people see me as I really am that I'll be considered another
species or misread as insane.
I spend a lot of time crying-I'm not sure what about. Other
times at home, I start really laughing at nothing, literally
nothing. I live in Los Angeles and I really do hate it, even
before I read your book. I don't need to be here and have been
looking for a place to move where I can be in a more spacious,
natural environment. But I wonder often when I'm really crying
why this crap can't be just cut off at the neck now for good.
Sometimes I sort of desperately call out and say I want to die,
just go ahead and take off my head all the way. I feel like it's
hanging on by a strand or something. Is there something likely
standing in my way that I should know? I can't gage where I am
and is there something more to do at this point? Something to
look at?
Thanks so much Jed for taking a look at this
hugs,
Lo
#Post#: 11746--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 17, 2015, 10:33 pm
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Hi Lo:
Thanks for that. Now, your question.
First off, I understand exactly how you feel. The crying is
sometimes called the ''pain body'' and all humans have it to one
degree or another. It just comes with the territory. A head cold
is just a slow way of crying, not an illness. Eventually you
will adjust to this way of being, if crying comes it comes, if
laughing comes it comes.
Regarding your comment on sanity, the problem is this,
EVERYTHING you see around you is insane. You are going sane and
it goes against all the phooey and b.s. that society tries to
impose on you. There are very, very few people who will
understand what you are going through, perhaps only your dog in
the end. Just don't expect them to.
I live in Cambodia now and certainly understand what you mean by
hating L.A. People here use a calculator all the time when
dealing with money and numbers. If I give someone five dollars
for a three dollar item, they will take ten or fifteen seconds
to figure it out on the calculator. A typical foreign tourist
will this, ''Christ, what's wrong with you, it's two dollars
change.''.
The difference is they have probably never seen the inside of a
school, or at best, very little. You have to take that into
account. It comes up in other ways too. We westerners have so
much worldly experience compared to them. It's wonderful in that
they retain much innocence.
The reason for this story is the rest of the world it like the
Cambodians. It knows nothing of what you are experiencing and
because of that you can't expect them to understand. To do so is
to set yourself up for disappointment.
Just understand that they don't understand and it's highly
likely they never will. What you are experiencing is to be
expect and, like all ''experiences'' it will pass. There is
great peace when you let it all go, but that will come of it's
own accord. Expect nothing, desire nothing, demand nothing, and
see what comes to you in the next moment. That's all there
really is to living in Truth.
Write me anytime.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11891--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 22, 2015, 8:20 pm
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Dear Jed,
So grateful to read your response. It was one of those
auspicious moments.
I referred to the Technique Part 1 post and have been practicing
it when I think of it through out my days. What I notice is that
I slide between the natural experience I have when I just stop
and notice all the sensations, sound, etc. In these moments I
wouldn't be able to think of anything to ask you because I'm too
involved in relaxing. Then attention disperses or breaks up and
there's the uptight unconsciousness again. It's like a time
thief. There is something very sticky and captivating about it.
Then I keep realizing over and over again that I could focus my
attention on my own natural simplicity. So my life now is going
back and forth between these two things with a lot of crying.
But I'd like to focus in on a confusing area. In the afternoons
there is a kind of paralysis. In the mornings and after dark
there's more flexibility in terms of choosing how to focus my
attention. But most afternoons I have a lot of tension that is
pretty unbearable. Burning and deep contraction and inner
restriction. Sometimes when this happens I'm able to write and
make discoveries, other times it's just terror that I feel
eclipsed by. Then there's relief when the sun goes down and it's
dark again. I do yoga every morning just to balance out all the
body tension.
I know this afternoon experience is the pain body, but it feels
like I'm burning rubber with my wheels on the road and there's
no traction and I can't relax and get my foot off the gas
either. So I wanted to tell you about this and am wondering what
thoughts, if any you have about it. ( A helpful note here; I did
have trauma as a child. This must be obvious. I don't see a
therapist anymore because it just doesn't make any sense to me.
I don't know if you know what I mean. It's possible that I never
found a good match, I don't know.)
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It, and your
rants. have really been like fresh air.
my very best,
Lo
#Post#: 11892--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 22, 2015, 9:35 pm
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addition--
I've been making my way very slowly through some of these posts.
Mostly trying to read your rants, but I'm new to forums so it's
still a little awkward. I have read your books but just ran
across some posts about your project Navigator Series. What is
the best way to stay informed about this? and if there is an
application process, how would I apply?
thanks
#Post#: 11894--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 22, 2015, 11:18 pm
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Dear Lo:
I get a sense of your stuckness. Also, I understand, at least in
my experience, that there are no quick fixed for something that
was planted as a child and turned into a weed as an adult. A
number of Nav Series contemplations deal specifically with this
and pave the road to H/A.
I suggest you send and email to cambodianashram@gmail.com. Leave
it blank and put ''waiting list'' as the subject. I will be
starting another class up soon.
My sense is the time of day of stresses you experience is tied
into the time of day these events occurred. Is that something
you are aware of?
Take care,
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11903--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 23, 2015, 12:31 am
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Hi Jed,
I've exhausted myself many times before, with no real returns,
from trying to find things from my childhood, when there's not
even a thread I can see to follow it. In investigative writing
it seems like sometimes there's a thread I just find and I
follow it and it gets bigger and more obvious until I'm able to
root out some programming. It's one of my favorite experiences
to have right now. But other times I write and it's just like
sand caving back in everywhere. It's like I can't stand against
that particular storm that I'm trying to go into. You would
think that when symptoms were so pronounced that it would be an
obvious thread to get a hold of, but for me it's not sometimes.
I know I don't know what's going on here, but, what is H/A,
T/R? etc? I did read your books, but a rookie to these
abbreviations! And because I'm trying to play catch up -- is the
nav series contemplations something that's only in your class or
is there a book I missed?
love ya too, and thank you ...
But where can I find the meanings for T/R, H/A, etc? Were these
in the trilogy? I don't remember them.
#Post#: 11904--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 23, 2015, 12:56 am
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H/A = Human Adulthood, T/R = Truth Realization or Truth
realized.
I'll be blunt (for a change) you are doing it all wrong because
you are ignorant (not knowledgeable and very different from
stupid) about how to do it efficiently. You must learn to deal
with the importances you have attached to events. Never, ever go
for the biggies until you have the skill of dealing with
importances. Nothing bad will happen, but nothing lasting with
happen either if you don't do this properly.
Your methodology is a natural human response. It's not unlike
what psychologists do, and fail at almost all the time. The
reason is the ''system'' was designed by Maya/ego to keep you
majoring in minors. Spin, spin and more spin.
Handling importances is a skill that requires some time to
develop, usually a month or two for Nav Series students. It is
very, very effective.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11909--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 23, 2015, 2:13 am
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No, I don't really know what I'm doing. I get so frustrated with
the few tools that I have, that I just start walking down all
kinds of roads and looking behind all kinds of doors. Even if I
know I shouldn't be pushing. Because it's my way of saying to
the Universe that I don't want to leave here without dying
before I die.
I didn't mind being called ignorant in this case. Its a good
word for it.
This is just a post, no questions.
Thanks Jed.
#Post#: 12058--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 31, 2015, 10:05 pm
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Desiring nothing seems impossible right now. I'm turning into a
hermit/shut--in. I feel like I have no skin when I go out.
There's a lot of irritation at the crowding and noise where I
live. I have no purpose except to drop all identifying. Trying
techniques, but feel no vital force. I'm lost and I know I'm
lost.
I keep thinking the answer is to move but nothing comes up
that's right. I look and look. Then I go back to not desiring
anything which leads to a feeling of sitting in a soup of
irritation. There's the grasping for an escape from this place
and then when I let go of that it collapses into just hating
this place and an overall pushing away.
Too much noise, sirens, helicopters, chemtrails, wireless
pollution, microwaves, cell phones, screens. Everyone staring
into a screen. Los Angeles--it's Sodom and Gomorrah right out in
the open. The messages and billboards are 100% insane. I don't
understand who all these parents are driving their kids around
trying to make nice families in this town. Don't they understand
AT ALL, that this is completely insane and cruel?
I don't have a purpose. I feel desperate and I don't care too
much if everyone can see that. I went from being someone that
people gravitated to, someone that everyone avoids. And I
understand completely why they do, but I'm lonely and desperate
for the death of this armor in me. I have a virus and it won't
burn off. I have low self esteem and low self worth and I see no
reason what so ever to try and build them back up. Animals do
still gravitate towards me, at least it seems like it. I hope
that doesn't change.
A lot of irritation, just doing yoga, walking my dog
no questions
hugs
#Post#: 12059--------------------------------------------------
Re: where am I in this process?
DIR By: Lo
Date: May 31, 2015, 10:55 pm
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I was listening to a teacher in satsang, who is alive today and
very well known/popular, say that he'd rather be around someone
who is at least cheerful and doesn't know anything about
awakening then around someone who's so depressed and complaining
that they can't get enlightened. This bothered me. I see that
some people, like myself make this more difficult then it might
have to be, but everyone is wired differently, and some have had
trauma--some not.
He talked too much.
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