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#Post#: 11669--------------------------------------------------
Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 15, 2015, 3:07 am
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Jed,
I accidentally picked up your books, at a bar, in the Gulf of
Thailand, of January, of last year. I was looking for something
to read - and I spied your first book, on the shelf, behind the
bar. When I read a bit of the back cover, and then what was
written on the back of the front cover, I thought to myself "is
this a joke"?! I was standing there, trying to make sense of the
information I was taking in. My conclusion was - 'this does not,
compute'. The book jacket is weird looking - is he New Age,
or...is this a manual, of some sorts? Couldn't take my eyes
away, basically.
I asked the Thai woman behind the counter, if I could trade my
Orson Scott Card book, 'Ender's Game', for your books - because
all three of them were sitting there. She nodded, and I took
them back to my bungalow, and there's a bit of a set up, for the
story here, so bear with me.
My partner and I decided to go out that night, and eat a
'special' chocolate, that we had picked up from a man, called
'Mong', of 'Mong's Bar' - basically a shack, with massive
speakers, and two lawn chairs, sitting on the side of the road.
Mong told me he had 'plans to expand', as his arms stretched out
to the immense boundaries of his imaginary new bar...sorry to
interrupt again; I know everyone is very wrapped up in this
story, but a slight disclaimer, and we will resume, shorty after
that - thank you for your patience. NOTICE DISCLAIMER: I would
like to say, that I am not a drug user, or make any sort of
habit of it. I was there, the various sundries looked edible, as
they were preferred to me, by an enthusiastic, and toothy,
be-grinned, Mong. I said, 'yes', and Mong said, 'thank you, and
be careful; those brownie's will send you to the Moooo ooooon!'.
I'm trying to cut this story short, but it's not happening! I'm
in the weeds here - the character development, is weak, and
where's the plotline?! Has anyone seen that infernal plotline!?
So, basically, we shared a snack, went out to a wholly un-ironic
cliffside lounge, called, 'High Life', I kid you not. Then we
sat there, looking at the moonlight dance across the
waters.....like Fred Astaire, dancing across...the...floor.
Things got colorful, we laughed, we cried, yadda yadda, plot
point, character arc, cue lighting, and then, BOOM! I'm stoned
out of my gourd. I suggest, that we leave soon, or we won't be
leaving at all. We get up, wander down to the beach, and back to
out bungalo on the hill, in the jungle. First thing I do, as I
sit on the bed, is crack open the second 'Enlightenment Trilogy'
book, and start reading aloud, my girlfriend's head on my lap.
It wasn't until I reached the part at the dinner party, in
California, that things began to get very serious for me. I
mean, like, heart attack serious. I would read a sentence, and
then have to go back, and read it again, as it's import, sank
deeper into my conception of what I am. I was at the part, where
Jed talks to the pouty teenage boy, and Jed was messing with a
time loop scenario, with the boy, lying in bed, in Canada, at a
palliative care ward - he was dying of cancer.
I can't really put into words what was happening, when I was
reading that book. The room became soundless, and still, and the
words began to, how do I say this - they attained more than a 2D
'meaning'. My mind was coming up against paradox - and it didn't
like it at all; I could feel it, trying to claw it's way out of
the side of my head. I kept reading, and I could hear my
girlfriend, snoring with her head on my lap. What it was, was
that feeling of 'is this a joke', or 'is this guy serious?',
held 'the' mind hostage, to the Truth peeling away layer upon
layer of bullcrap, that I had put on top of Self.
I could not - for the life of me, or should I say, 'me'
(because, at that point, I wasn't sure of either was real, or
not) - reconcile the rising knowledge, that existence, such as
it is, or was, or will be - is absolutely void of any intrinsic
meaning. The only true thing to be found - in truth - is the
meaning one makes up - through an overactive imagination.
This - this sitting in a bungalow, in Thailand, reading Jed's
second book - this was something other than Self - this was
prior to self - and the origin of 'it', or 'I', or whatever
other concept helps explain...stuff. Basically - the paradox
situation resolved itself in me having an existential meltdown,
in Thailand. Hence, the title of this post. I wasn't lying -
it's not false advertising; it's true.
If 'The Beginning' were to ever reach out, and shake hands with
'the End' - 'The Middle', would cease to exist. Maybe that
metaphor is a bit clunky...if I were everything - and I
"experienced" that 'everything', as 'Self - both everything, and
self, would cease to exist. Meaning - the mighty "I", would
cease to exist, subjectively speaking. That's what happened to
me - so, I collapsed in a meaningless puddle, on my bed...for
the next three days, while my girlfriend went to the beach, and
came back to check on me, and bring me food, because I didn't
move. I didn't want to move - what's the point - nothing means
anything. The nihilist's wet dream come true.
Nothing means anything! I think that's a good place to end.
#Post#: 11673--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 15, 2015, 6:32 am
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Dear E:
I knew that if I left it there someone would pick it up. Problem
is you are too wordy. Forum rules, buried deeply, 250 words or
less, preferably less. So, back to the keyboard.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11683--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 15, 2015, 5:35 pm
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There's not really much to say. I'm finished.
#Post#: 11684--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 15, 2015, 8:33 pm
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Excellent, as they say in Spain... via con Dios.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11691--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 15, 2015, 11:20 pm
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"Via con dios".Perfectly perfect perfection.
#Post#: 11779--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 18, 2015, 3:08 pm
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That still leaves me, with the conundrum of Self. I haven't
finished. This is my thread, so I'll cry if I want to, cry if I
want to - you would cry to, if you were having a con un drum.
I'm going to dispense with the "" marks for "I", and "self",
etc. You know what I mean. I didn't know what this forum was
about, and now I see, after taking a look around. It's like
walking through the mind.
Before Thailand, years ago - I was practicing self inquiry in
the form of something called the Enlightenment Intensive. When I
first heard the name of the method - I thought, yet again, 'are
these people serious...is this a joke, or something'?
It's all based on Zen - or whatever - it doesn't really matter -
because it's no different than intensified autolysis. And, it's
highly effective - I can vouchsafe from firsthand 'experience'.
A number of intensives, wandering around like a madman, trying
to 'get', 'who I am'. It was a LOT of work - and the 4th
intensive in - I still didn't 'get it'. The difference was - I
simply didn't care anymore, about getting 'enlightened'. There's
so much to say - story wise - but this isn't the forum for that
sort of thing, I realize that.
Basically, flying home over the Rocky Mountains, from the
intensive - after biting a Peak Freen cookie, and sipping ginger
ale - it was mid sip - that I 'got it'. There simply are no
words - so, I won't bother, and again, you know what I mean -
because, I wouldn't have understood anything you were saying in
your books - or wouldn't know what Nisargadatta, or Ramana, were
referring to, if I didn't know WHO was the one who was searching
for WHO. The searcher and the searched are one in the same.
Even when I read the Bible (no, I'm not Christian), I see that
Paul was a GNOSTIC!!!!!!!!! I mean, come on - he never mentions
a 'fleshy Christ' once - Paul realized the Guru, the only
'Guru' there is. Now, for the organic minded man - you simply
cannot impart this knowledge - it all has to be experienced for
ones self.
The conundrum is - that I did experience the void of self, on a
couple of occasions - the first was just 'me' basically dying.
I'm trying to keep this short - really, I am - I simply don't
know what to do now, after Step 1. Step 1 has been, for years
now, not being able to relate to people - or fake relating to
people - just so that I can be 'normal'. It's physically
painful.
Step 2 freaks me out - because I don't want to sit around,
toenails, and hair growing out of control, while my wife feeds
me baby pablum through a straw. I've 'tasted', the Infinite -
for lack of better word - Absolute? Ein Sof? Eternity? Endless
Endlessness? Bacon?
'Where' do I 'go' from 'here' - because - if I could - if my
life were set up more in alignment with 'who' the one is, typing
though this meat sack - I would love to sit - and write - that's
the 'pull', and it's getting Stronger and STRONGER.
peace.
PS, one of my favorite 'Biblical' teachings (GNOSTIC!!!!!), is
'Be Still and Know that I Am God' - how much more clear could
that be?!
#Post#: 11783--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 18, 2015, 11:21 pm
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Dear E:
Thanks for sharing. I am very familiar with EIs and usually one
''get's it'' when they genuinely give up trying. Sounds like
what you did.
So, now what? Do you want to repeat that experience. I don't
think you are that dumb. You know that wanting to repeat it will
just pushes it way (if that where ever possible).
What to do with you life? A good place to start would be stop
projecting what if this, what is that. So you end up like Howard
Hughes, who gives a damn? You know you don't have any say in the
matter, so what are you worried about... really.. WHAT ARE YOU
WORRIED ABOUT?
Life will probably continue with or without you. You aren't
nearly as important as you think you are. In the west if you say
you are God they will lock you up, in the east they will say
something like ''Well, you finally go it, now let's to get some
good chapatis and dahl''. You are slowly going sane in an insane
world, don't think it will be easy and trust that no one will
understand.
What to do next, what ever is in front of you, whatever arises.
Only you know what that might be. Watch and be aware, and quit
the new age drama queen enlightenment crap. This is not for
pansies.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11803--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 19, 2015, 1:33 pm
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I should change my account name to "New Age Enlightenment Drama
Queen Pansy'. I hear you - thanks for not pulling any punches.
In 30-40 years, all that will signify my meaningless existence,
is a name on a block of granite, in a graveyard, somewhere.
"That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing".
Macbeth
#Post#: 11813--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 20, 2015, 1:22 am
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30 to 40 years left. Well, maybe, maybe not. How about ten
minutes. What would you do in those ten minutes? Why aren't you
doing those things right now... ten minutes.... how time flies,
and how one dies....
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 11834--------------------------------------------------
Re: Thailand Existential Meltdown
DIR By: eponymous
Date: May 21, 2015, 12:51 am
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Two people who I know personally were going to retire this
summer. One, died a couple months ago of cancer, at the age of
55, and the other is awaiting his turn, in a hospice, with
inoperable stomach cancer. He has weeks of breath left in his
body.
My mother died when she was 66, and my sister died a couple
years ago at 50, leaving three children.
I could keel over, mid key stroke. The irony of working yourself
to death, and to die, months before you retire, isn't wasted on
me.
Death is no longer a mystery to me. I already know I'm nothing
more than a fart in the wind. Not even that.
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