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#Post#: 1080--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 14, 2014, 2:05 am
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There is a block on writing. Wanting so bad to things out on
paper. Theres a resistance to writing. A writing block to
truth. I feel a stillness around at all times. I wouldn't
describe as peace because it really isn't. It isn't bliss
either. Bliss is blinding. I cannot deny this stillness. It
feels like its holding it all together. It encompasses this
body and all that is seen. Mostly nowadays there is some
naturally serious observing going on. Like there is this body
being observed. Not necessarily always behind the eyes. It also
seems I'm observing myself behind the head or even diagonally
from the side. Constantly observing thoughts, feelings,
sensations and actions taken. Thougts , feelings, sensations,
actions and reactions and their consequences are seen from their
birth to their death in the moment. Reactions feel more like
responses now with awareness they mostly are not unconscious
now. Observing from all those angles at once. Basically Im in
inquiry mode observing my entire waking state with only brief
distractions ( movie, show etc..) I don't set aside time for
practices or meditation. My whole damn day is a meditation, an
inquiry. Ive been living my entire life believing i was a
person in a body named tony . I doubt sitting on a cushion for
an hour a day is gonna do shit but make this ass hurt. This
inquiry isn't by my choice, It can't be turned off, ignored for
a brief time but it won't be denied long. It isn't like oh I'm
gonna try to be the observer of things today. its more like a
possession of senses, a natural happening. There is a lot less
wanting for most things in life right now but i guess there is
still the fear of wasting it doing unsatisfying work or other
things, generally not getting the most out of this life. I
don't mean being rich or living in the lap of luxury . Just
living it on my own terms and resistance when that isn't allowed
to happen. I have been trying to watch for what is indicated
and releasing resistance. Resistance to everything was a big
sticking point. Kind of a victim mentality i guess you could
say. Theres a rebellion from inside thats always been there.
Without it I'm sure I never would have even started this. I
guess everyone on this page probably has that too. It used to
be manifested as anger and a big fuck you to the rules, rules of
any kind. Even rules of the big kahuna. It has pimp slapped me
on many occasions to remind me that i have no real control
though. Most of that has been let go a while back though. I
used to think it was all against me. Now i see i just had wrong
assumptions and beliefs. There is still a mighty fire inside,
however, now it comes across more now as a , ahhh no thank you
or i don't think so. More response, less reaction. Like i
said there is a sense of stillness and also gratitude at all
times but i must admit an uneasiness that never leaves. I
pretty sure thats the fear of not reaching truth and forever
floating in the void of not knowing. Im trying, not trying (
effortless effort) to relax into this not knowing. Like you
said it feels like a shoreless sea. Some days there is more
success than others. Some days the fear passes right through a
less dense self and somedays it jumps on like alien face hugger.
But most days i confess I wonder what truth is waiting for.
Gratitude to you for taking your time to read mine and everyones
writings and your help along the way
#Post#: 1586--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 23, 2014, 12:56 am
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Wow the way we lie to ourselves. Theres so much window dressing
going on around here its a wonder anyone can see the sun. Its
all ecompassing. I love you is a lie. How can it be true if
theres 100 definitions of love? If no one knows what love
really is then how can.it be said. I trade you very much is
more like it. Yet something shines through. Why do you even
have to say I love you if you are it ? This requirement means
it isnt there love would be proven in its constant expression
with no effort to bring it about. Ive been doing martial arts
since I was 8 years old. Theres these mcdojos handing blackbelts
to everyone now. Grandmaster this and Sifu that. Gimme a
break. Super grandmaster ive even heard. If you are it you
need no name. No title. No trophy. Same in spiritual circles.
Same everywhere. These damn swamis and yoga masters and people
with strange names parading around claiming all sorts of.shit.
im glad my rebellious nature never let me get into that to much.
If you reached a state of truth realization why do you need a
title. Stick with the noise you were given. My child is a
honor student. I have a Phd. Please address me as reverend or
I sign all.my documents with a md at the end of it. Designation
for a.purpose to describe seems fine. A filing system for
concepts but they became something else a long time ago. I had
an anger stage with all this ego shit but mostly it makes me
giggle There is still a rebel inside that wants to burn all
their farmland to.the ground but most of the time its just an
observstion now. I observe their and my own conditioning with
great clarity even.in the moment of the it happening. Mostly
harmless sometimes deadly. Why do people want to.change the
world? What world? The ones who want to rarely do. They
mostly make shit worse. The ones who have were just dancing
their dance and someone said how are you dancinglike that and
then another and another then eventually a cross or shot
ringing.out from a memphis sky. Buddha jesus figured some.shit
out on their own and people asked about it bc they liked their
vibe and then bam religions, philosophy. What happened to just
minding your own business? Like what someone else is doing ask
em about it and.then apply to.your own life and leave everyone
else alone unless they ask you about it. Fear controls it all.
Fear is mayas flaming sword. Ego is her loving embrace. Even
if the world reached some sort of utopia maya would smash it to
bits. Its just not any fun that way. The state of the world
could completely change in a matter of months if we truly wanted
that. However if the democrats and republicans were merged into
one.party and started working together then Bill o reilly and
Bill Maher would be out of a job. Im a married man but it
really does seem like some silly shit now. Why cant people just
get together and hang out agree to shoot of.some.offspring
if.they want and lend support. That piece of paper creates all
this pressure and it doesnt mean shit. Those vows are silly
and.mostly impossoble to live up to. People eat that shit up
though. People still cheat. Laws up the wazoo but people still
murder. Layer upon layer of.window dressing. Some.of it useful
most of it hindering. what drew me to.this.work is I think the
onlyway to be of.any use is to.find.out whats beyond.it all be
free of it and then maybe something can be contributed. Or
maybe just dance your dance and the need to.contribute goes away
and when someone likes the way you dance maybe you can show
them.some steps
#Post#: 1590--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 23, 2014, 1:31 am
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Hi Tony:
I have been signing 'Love ya' for years now and you finally
noticed, it was all for you, you little s h i t, and now you go
it. Geez that took a while. Of course 'I' don't love 'you',
neither exist, I really just wanted to bitch slap you. Now, a
word of advise (meaning I want to add a vise to squeeze crap
out). FORGET about anyone you see 'out there' as they don't
exist. You are making up all those stories about their failings
in your head. They are perfect in the illusion because they
stimulate your garbage, just when and how it's required.
Remember, it's all happening in your head, or somewhere
reasonably close to it.
Do you think they should be perfect, WTF, who are you to say,
GOD??? or maybe just a demi-god. You know what's good for them?
Head up ass syndrome I suspect, and me, do I know what's good
for you. NFW. I have no idea. However, to the degree this this
gets under your skin, it is of value for you to look at it,
perhaps closely. There is no out there out there. It's all you.
What do you want to see?
Like a change, be the change. Give it a try if you like and
feedback is welcome but don't tell me you love me, you lying
SOB, you know it's not true... well.. maybe it is... wait a
minute.. I'm being the asshole here. Oops. Sorry.
Love ya, (really) Jed.
#Post#: 1593--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 23, 2014, 1:53 am
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Yea I get what your getting at. Im trying to just pull a thread
of the world. I truly dont.think people should live a different
way. Im.trying to.put it out in front of me and see it is all.
I do have a problem I guess with people spraying their business
everywhere and selling it as truth. I guess if I was foucused
only here then that world.would change or look different. Truly
though it used to anger me greatly til about a year ago. Most
of that is gone. It truly is. Im just trying to do this
autolysis thing and write it out. How can I put all the cards
on the table without throwing some judgment. How do.you
clean.it out from.the inside without referencing the.supposed
outside world. How.do you see your own.beliefs without talking
about all our beliefs. Am I going about it wrong ?
#Post#: 1594--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 23, 2014, 2:13 am
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Lately all I can.figure to do. Is watch as closely as I can the
interactions I have with the world and reactions trying to see
these thoughts feelings and reactions as soon.as they come up,
examine them , and give them their due and see how they
materialize. I try the autolysis and my prayer
Remove the obstructions so the truth may be revealed and remove
the expectation that that should happen.
So far no.luck
#Post#: 1600--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 23, 2014, 4:54 am
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Stick with it Tony. If there is a trick to all this, it's very
simply awareness. Watching. Of course you can judge because we
are just built to do that, but watching is also something we can
cultivate and use. Don't worry about judging your judgments,
just welcome them. Hmm.. there's an interesting one... then try
to expand it a little. I don't like fat people. Shoot, I'm a
people, am I just a little fat. I'll see her as skinny, imagine
that. Too skinny, maybe just taller, nah, I give up, all that
crap is in my head anyways. WTF I'm spending my mental energy
on someone I don't even know and on top of that I can't do
anything about whatever her condition is. I'm feeling a little
stupid here. I'll just go up to her and wish her a nice day.
Maybe offer her a bit of my deep fried Mars bar.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: October 13, 2014, 12:20 am
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This feeling or fog that seems to come on without warning. I
guess this is the movement of self , unsatisfied with whats
happening. Its depression but it isnt mine. That is clear. Its a
thunderstorm in awareness. It does feel like what tolle calls
the pain body. These states are chaos sometimes. I can go
through several days or weeks where im so certain I am close to
a full understanding. There are times when depression comes over
the mind and all thst is seen is what I havent figured out yet
and how im still living a life I havent much use for. A big
time house of cards. I dont wish to.sound judgmental but it
feels like there are levels to awareness all around and I cant
stand to be around many of them. Like ive seen how fake this me
is yet there hasnt been a out growing of it yet. Its like maya
hasnt thrown me out of the park but she took away my ticket for
the rides. Thered just awareness of how everyone is playing a
role including myself yet their is just observing it without an
ability to do anything about any of it. Like im in a prison with
a window. Im in the back of the movie theater walking around in
the dark bumping into things. It feels like im in a dreamstate
purgatory. Not apart of their world but not in the next one yet.
I pretend all the time playing roles yet also still somewhat
attached to the ones I play. I could have no problem pretending
to play these roles if I w asnt attached but this half in half
out business is making me kinda crazy. Many times I feel like
the way Dexter relates to people minus the serial killer part. I
dont feel connected to my wife and other family like I used too.
It doesnt really feel like in a negative way though. Its very
weird. When I look at them I see what I would call the old way
of doing things and relating to the world and I dont feel like
its possible to be that way ever again. I have a hard time being
around it. Like I said pretending but thats hard to do with one
foot in and one out. I know how judgmental it sounds and I know
I have plenty of faults but it feels like their on one level of
conciousness and their on another. I dont even know if I love
them. Hell I dont think that their actually is love at all
anywhere. I dont mean that negatively. Just I feel something
beyond that is more important. I mean I literally feel it but
you cant explain that to anyone. This limbo back and forth
though is maddening. Im an observer and nothing else right now.
I see it all and can do nothing. Like doing a practice or trying
to change a habit or whatever feels like running your hand
across the surface of the water and not being able to reach the
depths even though you can sense its right there. I want life
to be dynamic, engaging but I feel stalled. What else can I do
but watch it unfold without knowing if it will ever lead
anywhere or if il.just play out my days in mundane conditioning
and habit? Its like whatever is doing this is trying in
different states like clothing. I dont mean emotions either. Ive
done kilobys work with noticing emotions, not labeling them,
letting them have its full expression and then watch it
dissapear almost as soon as it came. Gotten pretty good at it.
These states of being or consciousness though come I dont even
feel like the same persona or whatever. I know all the jargon
too. Their just states, look for what does not change. Whats
looking is what your looking for and all that Fuck me I cant
take it anymore so I go back to observing. Sometimes I feel
like there are effects of T/R without it actually being here yet
like waves from a far off hurricane. Did you exprerience
anything like this? Any idea or tips or am I just completely
full of shit ? I wouldnt be suprised if either was happening
#Post#: 2778--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 13, 2014, 1:52 am
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Dear T:
Sounds to me like you're completely full of you-know-what.
Just enjoy being human and don't try to change anything.
A little patience might be helpful.
Enjoy.
Love ya, Jed,
#Post#: 2930--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: October 16, 2014, 3:26 am
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Can I love ? What is love ? I mean I look at someone say I
love you but what does that mean ? So many words so.little
meaning. Something comes up in you, love, hate , whatever and
theres a reaction. Love for your spouse or parents. Is it
nothing more than strung together moments and memories and
shoulds that is called love? Is there any more to it than that
? I dont know. Really. Strange to think I dont. Love seems
to be thoughts processes which create feelings. When you get
dumped by someone you may feel devastated. Then you meet
someone else and forget all about that person. May even tell
yourself a story that they actually werent the one for you after
all but now you finally found them lol. You set up the bowling
pins and knock them down. Giving everything the meaningless
meaning. When you recover from a relationship or a loss and
feel better all that seemed to have happened is time has passed
which allowed thought to eventually rearrange themselves into
new belief structures and therefore new ways of looking at your
world comes about and attachment breaks. Why couldnt it have
been broken or fallen away right after? Because of built in
processes inherited by previous owners of them I guess. I guess
that applies to most thing a really. Job loss , loss of a parent
, a dog , a burned down home , a destroyed body. It actually
seems strange to intellectually to not recover instantly from
these thing when considered logically. Its a arrangement of
thoughts which brings on feeling which creates attachments. Life
can be so sticky. So love is just a word , a representation. Of
what though ? Of nothing. Like everything else. Theres so many
different meanings behind.love and god for that matter how could
we agree with what it is. Whats crazy is how prevalent love is
focused on and used but im not sure anyone knows what it is. It
seems the only way it might be possible to know what love is, is
to be free from it altogether it seems the same with god or
elightenment. How can you ever know god or enlightenment unless
you were free from the concepts god and enlightenment and the
personal agenda. So no concept is true including tony
#Post#: 2933--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: October 16, 2014, 3:52 am
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Not sure quite where im going with this but im.going to go with
it. Listening seems to be quite valuable. I dont mean listening
trying to gain something but just listening with all attention.
I guess it could be called openess or awareness too. Im working
tonight and its dead silent in the sleep lab. There something
about 3 am silence in a sleep lab thats hard to get anywhere
else. I hear computers humming , recording equipment clicking
,etc.. im not sure why the word listening is grabbing my
attention right now but like when you really listen, truly ,
then your kinda giving yourself over and your not trying to
accomplish anything. Sure you can listen to a satsang real
intently but the motivation behind it is what is in it for me.
What am I going to get out of it ? To listen without an agenda
is quite remarkable. If your lucky thinking will stop if only
for a few moments. Those moments when it happens seems like
forever because I guess time has disintegrated and theres
instant expansion. I guess outta the damn way. Its amazing how
almost every little thing we do is governed by a agenda or
manipulation. Even small shit. I get lost in a sea of thinking
processes and the self parasite is there milking all the
attention to its needs and wants and hopes fears. I look back at
some of my autolysis and see the focus put on the outside onto
others and I see the silliness and pompusness of it. Who the
hell do I think I am? How easy to get drawn right back into it
in a matter of seconds right after you declare you never will
again. As if I had any power to stop it. Theres something
tremendously important it seems about this listening thing. Its
something relating to really understanding the business of
surrender or letting go but its not fully coming into focus yet.
Im sure it involves me not being involved but that is just a
intellectual understanding for the moment. I guess more real
listening is needed. Thanks for telling me I was completely full
of shit. It was nice
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