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#Post#: 191--------------------------------------------------
Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: August 31, 2014, 12:55 am
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Ok , been working 12 hour shifts for last few days , finally
able to get started on this forum. Well lets see, I always
wanted to know what was going on behind the scenes . Around
middle school I felt that something was off. Off about my
parents about this baptist church we were going to , off about
every one really. I would say looking back now that I had some
built in awareness to what was going on around me that others
didn't have. It all seemed like a play or movie ( i love
movies) and something just didn't feel right and I started what
I would call wondering what was going on , not thinking about it
but maybe daydreaming. I guess i was doing the who am i inquiry
without realizing it. I had some strange experiences during
those times and probably if i had just stuck with wondering
about the questions then something major would have happened but
alas i went searching for the answer. Conversations with god
was the first thing i stumbled onto that opened up my world back
in high school. I was majorly depressed since middle school and
high school up until about 8 months ago. Ive wanted to kill
myself numerous times but never could because at the same time i
could felt something off about the whole damn thing and i just
had to know what it was. Something inside that i knew wasn't
coming from "me" was pushing me toward something. I read many
books and studied many different things over the years. i ran
the gamut with self help books to law of attraction nonsense,
anthony robbins etc. I never stayed very long with any of that
stuff because while I could get a thing out of here and there i
could feel that it was the shallow end of the pool so to speak.
anyway , I've been to quite a few therapists over the years,
only one out of maybe 8 were of any value and thats because he
was interested in the same things such as you , kiloby etc. and
i could bounce ideas off him. Im not the type to on a retreat ,
sit with other people, chant mantras n shit, send love and
light and say namaste. Im from nc not india. this search has
been burning red hot for the last 4 to 5 years reading you,
nisagardatta, roy melvyn(wu shin) , kiloby , adyashanti, paul
hedderman. I've was on the other forum since the beginning as
bourne 7855 although i didn't post much, mostly read. With the
awareness that something was going on behind the scenes but i
couldn't realize what it was came severe depression yet while i
was having it i was also thankful because i realized as painful
as it was at least i knew about this thing i couldn't put my
finger on and i was so thankful that i didn't live in ignorance
of it. I had this inner compass which almost felt like it was
literally pushing me towards it and I knew for a fact that
wherever it was coming from i hadn't come up with it or created.
the problem is with that also comes no certain direction , just
a pushing forward. It created this sense in me that the
universe, or god , or whatever was fucking with me and felt
against me. I mean why the hell would it push me so hard away
from things like college or kids or various other regular life
type things but also not give me a direction to go in. it felt
like a cosmic joke. and when i say pushed i mean like if i
tried to do something it didn't want me to do like go to college
or whatever i would literally feel ill in my body the emotion
would be so strong not to do it that i just knew i couldn't. I
knew it wasn't just plain old fear either like being afraid of
going or whatever, this was different. However, I felt this push
away from things that didn't feel right but no real strong push
towards anything so i was just simply paralyzed, hence why for
so many years i felt like i was being fucked with. Anyway,
about 8 months ago i was sitting in my upstairs movie room about
2am reading or watching you tube stuff ( can't quite remember
when something kinda just came over me. Its a very hard
experience to describe. I had some shaking and my teeth were
chattering and my head tingling. I assumed it might have been
some kind of kundalini stuff but i don't know much about that at
all and don't really care all that much. . I had a much
smaller experience about 2 years ago sitting at the computer.
just energy stuff , not a big deal. Anyway, during the
upstairs experience I had this feeling of peace and kind of
seeing 2 different perspectives at once. I could flip back and
forth between looking out from my regular perspective and seeing
from a different more expanded perspective i guess you could
say. i was noticing both at the same time . this lasted for
about a day and a half or so and then everything settled down.
I knew at the time it wasn't "it" but it was a nice experience
and i think the house could have been burning down around me and
i wouldn't have cared a bit. well since that happened 8 months
ago my depression i had for about 20 years pretty much just
left. its still there but now it feels like if i were to
describe myself as outer space the depression would be like a
comet that whizzes by . i notice it but theres so much space
around it that its like 80% not as big a deal as it used to be.
In trying to put the experience in some words too it feels like
50% of this self i thought i was is now transparent. I hate
words here because I'm not describing it correctly but thats
kinda what it feels like. I know intellectually theres no self
and all that so don't call the advaita police to come lock me
up. it really just feels like half of me fell away but i know i
had nothing to do with nor why it happened. I also don't quite
know how to proceed. I know I'm not done or anything like that.
i still seek by reading thing and listening to audios and all
that. for me i don't really feel theres any to learn by any of
it anymore. I just feel like it keeps me in a space so the
tentacles of the world can't sink back into me fully. Maya is
really competing for the attention at all times . My
relationships have changed since then as well. I feel like my
mom isn't really my mom anymore which is weird bc 5 years ago i
really would have been considered a bit of a mamas boy. most of
the conditioning people have is hard to be around. i know all
mine isn't gone too. but like my mom is stuck in old ways of
thinking about god and the bible and all that and my sister is
in this materialistic thing about life. I know this sounds
judgmental and it is but its how it feels now. its like when you
had that friend in high school who you really loved but they
never grew up and you did some growing up and the relationship
doesn't fit anymore. Thats how it feels with most people now.
i don't know, since that experience I'm lost but with a subtle
back ground of peace there.. I used to be be angry all the time
and since then I still get angry but now it comes up and it
manifests and then it is completely gone. no residue, no hurt
feelings or thinking about it after the fact. it just expresses
and then its outta there. strange feelings indeed. anyway i
know thats a lot to swallow for you but any advice or comments i
would appreciate . I know you said from a certain viewpoint its
easier to look back and see where someones at so maybe you know
the stuff I'm talking about. sorry if this is all very
fragmented and weird. i just figured its best to blurt it out
and try to reasonably put it together. thanks man
tony
#Post#: 193--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: August 31, 2014, 1:05 am
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also just to list them I've studied, zen, roy melvyn , kiloby,
nisargadatta, david carse, you, adyshanti, richard rose, paul
hedderman, presence process, ramesh, wei, wu wei, many others
like this, some real dumb shit, bugs bunny, kung fu theater,
and pooping in silence
#Post#: 204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 31, 2014, 2:09 am
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Hi Tony:
Sounds like you have quite a head full. If you would focus down
to one question for me. No generalities, be very specific, then
I may be of some assistance. Otherwise, I'll just be another
fart in the hurricane. You are wise not to worry to much about
your 'experiences', just let them pass as they are distractions
only.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 355--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 2, 2014, 2:05 am
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I've been thinking about this one question. I don't wanna tell
any general stories beat around the bush. It really makes it
hard to come up with one. I am in constant inquiry nowadays.
It shifted into a whole other level after that last experience.
Not through any effort of mine. I used to feel seeking TR was
like climbing a mountain to get to the top but lately it feels
like I'm inside the Alamo and truth is outside waiting to bust
in. I'm not really lost in thought like I used to be. I feel
much more immediate right here right now. My specific question
is what is TR waiting for and what more can be done to let it in
the door ? So much has fallen away, wiped out. I've already
been to the breaking point of sanity and suicide. I've either
been through to the other side or jumped back from it. It feels
like the former but honestly I don't know. I don't know
anything anymore
#Post#: 357--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 2, 2014, 2:24 am
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Dear Tony: Thanks for sharing. I suggest you just be with that
'not knowing'. Don't try to understand it or do anything with
it. Just a gentle welcoming of not knowing is sufficient. Write
back when so inclined. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 616--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 5, 2014, 11:09 am
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Been living in a mode of not knowing for a while now. Realized
about a year ago i don't nothing about anything. It does allow
you to drop a lot of pretense. I hear people on forums and
Facebook groups talk about this and that and I think how do you
know really? all sounds like intellectual memorization. it is
said with such conviction as if their afraid not to believe what
their saying. Im done trading knowledge for knowledge, belief
for belief. my experience lately has been a very present one.
So much less thoughts about things, just some wonderings which
are more like questions with no answers, at least intellectual
ones. I was at work the other night staring at my computer
screen. I do sleep studies and research the same profession as
marc leavitt. I had this moment where the the definitions
almost disappeared and everything became 2D. Like i couldn't
tell the edges of the computer screen and the walls behind them
and everything else apart. Another of putting it i guess was
that for a couple seconds the me looking through these eyes in
this body was removed and their was just perceiving . not that
big of deal but interesting and strange. Anyway, there is also
the feeling or experience of leaving people behind. There
definitely is a different operating system now than other people
around me. There is a much more distinct awareness where it
used to be that when i would do something unconscious such as
anger or whatever and then would sometime later thank back about
it. This has oscillated and gotten faster to the point now
where as soon as i start saying or doing something such as a
conditioned response like angry words or just unconscious
responses i see it as its happening or dare i say sometimes i
see it coming right before it happens. many times it never
comes out. at the very least when there is anger or whatever
its doesn't stick around anymore at all. it comes up and is
given its expression and then disappears into the ether. there
is observation of every conditioned thing i do or say and
everything others do or say. not judgment because i know how
easy it was to be neck deep in depression and suicidal thoughts.
I don't hang out with very many people now . a lot of times
they don't even seem like people anymore, just recording
machines playing back every complaint they have about life and
the underlying fear that runs through every thing they do and
say. I still have it myself but at least i see it and a ton of
it has fallen away. i am immensely grateful of that and can see
the yin yang of not knowing the good without the bad. However,
its time to enter a completely different way of living and pull
the tentacles of society completely off of me as anthony de
mello would say. i can feel the different framework or crex
tapping me on the shoulder.
#Post#: 617--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 5, 2014, 11:17 am
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truthfully i don't have any idea how close or far away i am from
crex. I guess in a way its always tapping you on the shoulder
cause its never not been there. Sometimes it feels so very
close to me and sometimes i feel like i haven't even started .
#Post#: 619--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 5, 2014, 11:56 am
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Thanks for sharing Tony. My opinion is you are doing swimmingly.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 879--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 9, 2014, 4:14 am
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The fear. Im noticing that there is if im being honest an
underlying to the trust I say I have. On the one hand there is
alot more trust and surrender there once was,however, there is
this fear. Things have been taking care of themselves quite
nicely lately since the natural letting go has happened but
there is the basic fear that if I relax too much and truly let
my guard down it will all go to hell in a second. Ha. Its all a
high wire act and a decent wind could blow me off anytime it
wanted too. I can feel that settling down on the wire and
resting the weight of life down on that trust of something I
cant put my finger on will bring balance and is the way to go.
Some crazy shit started to go down at work tonight and fear
kicked in for a few minutes. There was at least an ability to
observe thst fear at the very moment that it was happening and
even laugh at it and the possibly fucked situation I was in.
Things quickly settled down soon after the fear left very
quickly. Through no.effort of my own things took care of
themselves. The underlying fear I guess was what if all hell
broke loose and things didnt tske care of themselves? I guess
in a way they always do one way or another thats where the
trust breaks down if im being honest. The train ride is
pleasant lately but ultimately unsatisfying. I wonder if il be
able to observe my dying and be able to laugh at that as well?
How to see through fear altogether and relax into trusting fully
even if the pleasent train ride goes off the rails and into the
cavernous valley below ? Fear defintely feels like a lock to
all the doors
#Post#: 1076--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tony
DIR By: Tony
Date: September 14, 2014, 1:34 am
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this tony, being, organism. What holds this conditioning of me
in place? what is the glue that binds this idea of me to
whatever powers this body? What powers the psychological
underpinnings that trap this loop of energy into a thing I call
a persona named Tony? Such a silly sound when really sounded
out. just like any name. How is that energy freed from the
heavy burden of me and my desires and fears? How this burden
laid down? If there is nothing that can be done to achieve this
understanding then what is the cause of it to happen? Fear seems
to be the glue that holds the conditioning in place. Fear of
future, fear of past, fear of non approval, fear of loneliness,
fear of death. Some things seem so real yet something always
seems like nothing is happening. The definitions of life
sometimes seem to be fading. Yet they can come back in full
force in a moment. Theres seems to be a fine line between non
attachment and complete loss. Theres a feeling that comes that
seems just out of grasp . That feeling of release that would
free the conditioning forever. It feels like it would dismantle
the boundaries of me and allow free expression and flow with
what is. Theres just the slightest notion of what it would be
like to live from beyond the confines of personality yet still
live through it. just out of reach though. I can feel it there
at all times. Ahhhhhh drives me mad sometimes .
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