DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
INVISIBLE GURU FORUM
HTML https://jedmckenna.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Member Posts
*****************************************************
#Post#: 10363--------------------------------------------------
MZ
DIR By: MonsterZero
Date: March 20, 2015, 12:14 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
hi jed. its been said before, but thanks for doing this.
i’ve been lurking here for a while, but seeing people relating
very similar experiences prompted me to make contact. heres the
intro you requested.
i’m mid 40s, with wife, 1 kid grown, 1 not.
i don’t even know what my question is. i have “who am i"ed
myself to death(lol apparently not). of course i don’t seem to
be in here, and yet, here i am.
i have made some progress with SA - i have observed processes
running unbidden and unchecked in my mind, or heart/mind, to
such a degree that they seem to almost have a life of their own.
i have also observed that they are running all the time, like,
IM DOING IT NOW, and can’t see it.
in my lifetime i have been given some spiritual insights, some
before i had done ANY seeking, but nothing like what is read
about in your typical spiritual experience story. one with the
universe, god consciousness, all that stuff.
i’ve done some meditating. not a lot. the first time i read tao
te ching it was like reading something i had written but forgot.
loved power of now, the way of liberation, the diamond in your
pocket. oh yea, three pillars of zen too.
also, there is something in me that knows this can be done, if i
would do it. like what you said about ramana not having a
billion enlightened successors… because they don’t do it, don’t
want it… i am confronting that in myself now. pfffft, really…
when i found out you were available, actually TALKING to people,
my nuts drew up. like i knew i had the keys already, damnedest,
SA, and haven’t been using them, and now here’s the answer man,
and i don’t know what my question is.
i want to know who i am. i want to live without fear and just
be, without bargaining away my life in my mind all the time, and
most horrifyingly, WITHOUT REALIZING IT.
trying to keep it short... so enough for now... :)
#Post#: 10364--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 20, 2015, 12:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear MZ:
Thank you for sharing and welcome to the forum. You sound like
you might be right for the Navigator Series. Why not sent a
blank email to cambodianashram@gmail.com and put ''waiting
list'' in the subject. Next time I run it I'll get in touch.
Otherwise, further, and I'll go my best to answer any specific
questions.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 10487--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: MonsterZero
Date: March 24, 2015, 7:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
i had the feeling my SA was getting off track so i did a recap.
i have lots of pages, but i think it can be summed up as
follows:
so autolosys is to write until you write something true? can
there be any true? i am looking at my hand… is a relative truth.
i am here desk is there… seems to be true. i am separate from
the desk and these objects. i can observe my thoughts. i am
thinking these words. i can observe my feelings. i can observe
input from my body.
my body, my thoughts, feelings, environment, what is other than
that? body is also environment - stimulus. so we have thoughts,
feelings, stimuli. so what am i?
ok i observe thoughts, feelings, stimuli. i am separate from
them. wait, then thoughts and feelings are stimuli too?
thoughts don’t seem to be happening at the time i become aware
of them, the essence happens, then they congeal and are known.
there really seems to be nothing in here.
and yet, i am alive. what is this “alive”?
I’ve been here a long time and either have been embarrassed to
tell anyone that i can’t make progress or maybe i couldn’t quite
put my finger on it, but I’ve chased this for so long and found
nothing, not the zen nothing, but just nothing to see. it feels
like running a string backwards till you run out of string but
the string is still tight. the string goes through a wall.
anything i can observe is not it. i have been advised that the
observer can be… realized, and also that it can’t. does the key
lie somewhere in what you said about “it would never occur to me
that i am separate from the chair”… thats a hard leap to make...
#Post#: 10524--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: March 26, 2015, 5:35 am
---------------------------------------------------------
;)
#Post#: 11120--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: MonsterZero
Date: April 17, 2015, 8:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
i dont SEEM to be making much progress, so im continuing to
re-assess.
the thing living in my mind was a big deal to me(the process
running unbidden), so im going to share it in more detail.
i caught myself, as if watching from a distance, making a
bargain with the universe. something like... "i will do what i
DONT want to do, if i can trade this 'work' for 'payment'".
in my defense, a long time ago i VOICED this idea, it was clear
and visible - on the table. but somehow it got lost.
compromised.
it would seem i have, somehow, accepted it as the norm, as what
is.
i dont know HOW this happened. i would NEVER, that is, if my
friend was in my place, id say "DUDE - the answer is very clear"
- but i feel weak, and cocooned in, like a poisoned bug in a
web.
i am subtly fooling myself, bargaining, all the time and it is
VERY hard to cultivate playing the games(in order to live in our
society, keep my job) without getting lost in them - what's
worse, if i put energy into the rat race, it doesn't just take
energy away from seeking, it actually dampens my efforts!
so here's what i think i need right now:
as i have watched for more patterns living in my mind i have
observed that i have a tremendous emotional build up, a blockage
even, in the center of my chest (it causes physical problems
there) and after a while one loses sight of whether one is
feeling physical pain, or emotional pain, and each can
spur/worsen the other.
what i need is to address this first.
meditating is hard for me but i am trying again. years and years
of putting these feelings aside has cost me. i dont want to
wonder if i need to go cry, have a heart attack, or take an acid
blocker anymore.
its as if i lit a candle and woke up in a burning house.
if you have a suggestion, im all ears.
#Post#: 11373--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: MonsterZero
Date: April 29, 2015, 10:49 am
---------------------------------------------------------
meditation really does help. some of this junk escapes sometimes
in quick spontaneous little breaths. slow going but this is the
thing i knew i needed but didn’t want to do.
despite that i still can’t tell WHAT my f’ing problem is. there
is a place in here that is FROZEN with fear. there is a little
dude in here that HASNT MOVED since whatever happened to him
happened.
my kindness to others is placation??? IT IS! i am one of the
friendliest people you will ever meet, and well liked, but it is
because i am afraid of everyone. it seems this kid has been told
he is the source of shame and embarrassment, the unspoken but
apparent conclusion is “even your feelings are wrong". here’s
another message too - “people won’t like you if…” stfw?
but i am still in that place waiting to move. NO - trying to not
be seen!!
this stuff is hard to find sometimes. like the squiggly in your
eye.
#Post#: 11381--------------------------------------------------
Re: MZ
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: April 29, 2015, 11:15 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Try being unfriendly for a while intentionally, be an grumpy old
fart. Stretch yourself a little.
Love ya, Jed.
*****************************************************
Page 1 of 1