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#Post#: 186--------------------------------------------------
Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: August 30, 2014, 6:12 pm
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I got into the idea of enlightenment when I found out about the
occult
The idea that there could be something that people never even
talked about, that people seemed to think was only on tv. Maybe
that’s childish but I suppose that’s why a lot of people get
into a lot of things.
I spent a very long amount of time reading occult books because
I was purely fascinated by them, the key of Solomon, the book of
Abramelin and all that.
After getting into Initiation into Hermetics it made most sense
to practice that but I didn’t. The concept of higher levels of
consciousness, communication with higher self, exploring
different level of reality and all that jazz was appealing. But
not appealing enough.
I’m not sure what it is but nothing draws me in. the only reason
I started down that road was because I Couldn’t Not. Actual
practice?? I suppose some people would say I’m being lazy but I
don’t see it that way. I have zero interest in it even though I
should, I should have THE MOST interest… but I don’t.
I came to the conclusion that what I was looking for wasn’t in
magic or developing higher states. But the problem is what do I
want? I was thinking enlightenment but the word just appeared
and disappeared
I was trying to find interests elsewhere in other religions and
teachers. I went through a phase where I’d listen to modern
philosophers like U.G and Jiddu Krishnamurti, alan watts…
others, its been a while since I stopped
I did meditate a bit and did self help things like NLP
But what I really think is (which I believe I’m quoting from
your book) I just want to stop being a schmuck.
I’m too quiet to introduce myself but I saw your post
recommending it, I do so kinda begrudgingly. This seems to be a
serious forum and I have no idea where its taking me but…
I’ve been listening to your audio books for hours a day for the
past couple months, often while I’m doing other things. But I
can safely say, at least a book a day
I know this might sound mean but I don’t give a shit about Jed
McKenna.(love you man) I’m looking for something and you happen
to be there. Or maybe in the way
This is getting entirely too long for me.
The question…
A question I could ask an ‘enlightened’ person or the universe.
The only thing I want to know is where do I go from here? I’m
looking for a better question but I’m not sure I’ll find one
soon.
I spend most of my time sitting around like an idiot just
shrugging but smiling. I’ve been doing this for years. But
lately my stomach hurts when I don’t believe I’m moving forward
I’m not sure if there’s anything else you wanna know. I feel
stuck. I’ve felt stuck for a long time. No amount of money or
women or people thinking I’m great will make me happy… well
maybe for a couple days. But then I look forward a couple years…
There feels like there is something missing among these
paragraphs.
I may have to end these here before I become saddened by how
lost I feel I really am.
#Post#: 199--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 31, 2014, 1:44 am
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Hi there:
What's your next step. That's difficult to answer, but I would
suggest to you that it's in your face and you are not seeing it.
What you are avoiding is most likely your next step....
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 248--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: August 31, 2014, 5:05 pm
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It's probably what I'm avoiding by playing video games, watching
youtube, drinking alcohol and coffee sometimes and even
listening to your audiobooks. I can feel me avoiding something.
but I cant see what it is
Those things bring me almost no pleasure but I feel like I have
nothing else to do
#Post#: 938--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: September 10, 2014, 4:22 am
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How do I get past my own life? it feels like the only way is to
go completely mad... to not believe in anyone or anything, to
look at someone looking at me and not see anyone looking at me
and not think anyone is there and to be completely alone.
I can see a structure in front of me, an idea of what things are
but i know it'll collapse eventually... am I even making sense?
maybe everything everyone says makes about as much sense as this
drivel and people pretend they understand and agree with each
other.
there is something creating a lot of tension in my back,
something that has been there for almost a decade and I know I
can drop it but I cant
know what I mean?
#Post#: 945--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 10, 2014, 4:53 am
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Dear Nathan:
I understand what you said in your last post, and it brings up
an issue of loneliness. What happens when you see through
everyone's (and your own) B.S.
The answer it that adjustment needed for T/R. You have to go
back and re-learn how to act just to get back in the game.
Otherwise you hermit yourself in the Himalayas. Always a
possibility, but I know from experience it can get damn cold and
you will sure miss the running water.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 986--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: September 10, 2014, 8:11 pm
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I've been having a hard time with this and maybe I should spend
more time on it first but,
If im the only one here, who are you? who are my parents? and
anyone. If I forget about you do you stop existing?
#Post#: 1010--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: September 11, 2014, 12:07 pm
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I think I'm seeing the structure of my bullshit, how my ideas of
people have nothing to do with them
How I create something in the future to fear so I do the thing
I'm sure I should do
but...
when the idea of it is gone, like it often is during the day,
all worry of it is gone. I can see how people are ideas but how
do I stop thinking someone hears me when I yell in my room. or
even yell alone
#Post#: 1069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 13, 2014, 10:57 pm
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Someone may here the sounds you are making, but never think they
understand you, or you them.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1181--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Find3r
Date: September 15, 2014, 4:54 pm
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I have no idea what you just said but it made my head spin, when
I read it I stood there (or lay there, I was in bed I think) for
about 5 minutes trying to figure it out, make sense out of it.
How do I get past my stupid fucking beliefs? Like the belief
that I need a girlfriend because I think it still and it hurts
like hell or the belief that I need to do something about the
woman next door who beats her dog and yells at her kids
everyday, or the fear that I'll be found out to be a phony
trying to cheat society and it'll come down with its hammer of
justice and I'll be on the streets.
I'm not sure about asking questions, it feels like they're never
ground breaking enough. like something I can find out by myself
but when I'm writing in my notepad I have a bunch I wanna know
the answers to...
The word I hurts a lot, maybe because I (...) say it too much.
So I'll (...) stop here
#Post#: 1194--------------------------------------------------
Re: Nathan B
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 15, 2014, 9:48 pm
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Dear Nathan:
I get that you are young and this is a rather upsetting world
for you. What comes to me is first of all learn to breath
properly. It may sound like b.s. advice but it is a truly
valuable tool to bring a little peace and clarity. I watch folks
around me and they take anywhere from two to five breaths for my
one. I've been doing it for tens of years.... ah yes, now the
second point.
What comes with youth is some very interesting things, certainly
energy and a rebellious mind which are useful, but you are
impatient. Even at a young age, you have absorbed tons of crap
from school, parents, friends, etc. It won't undo itself in a
weekend, well, it might, but you better hope it doesn't.
Be patient with yourself. Understand that it's not all the way
you want it. Forgiveness and welcoming are helpful. But start
very small as it's an undeveloped muscle. Later, on to the
bigger things. Stick with it and write me anytime.
I confess to a strange feel of being proud of you, darned if I
know where that came from.
Love ya, Jed.
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