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#Post#: 5418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: November 28, 2014, 3:16 pm
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Still in this pretty frustrating mindset of near constant
questioning and interrogation of whats happening in this exact
moment and sometimes i have a sort of little breakthrough where
i can see clearly whats going on unaffected by absolutely
everything but other times i get a pain in my head and there
seems to be a boulder blocking my way. i keep thinking im done
but then bam im back into usual unconscious conciousness trying
to get back to where it was knowing that im doing something
wrong. cant seem to see through things alot and i get quite
anxious when this happens. like a building up tension in my
stomach, then it gradually wears off if i preoccupy myself. i
had a moment there where i saw that this searching for a key
through the bullshit is a search for something, dont really know
but thats all i can really say right now.
#Post#: 5424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 28, 2014, 3:30 pm
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Dear Zade:
Be gentle on yourself. There is no rush. Don't try to repeat any
experience because T/R is not an experience. Experiences can be
interesting, but traps.
Take it easy and remember to breathe.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5426--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: November 28, 2014, 3:50 pm
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never had any luck with writing a thought pattern but i got into
it here a bit, plan on doing more.
nothing ive ever done in the past actually has any weight right
now, not even what happend 2 seconds ago. i cant even remember
what happend 2 seconds ago. time is but an illusion of the mind
though just a constant flutter of thoughts doing a play of sorts
to trick me into thinking that theres some sort of "time"? what
the fuck is time. never really know what to wrote in these, i
suppose ill start with why am i on this journey? i feel i pursue
this as i need to have something to hold. whenevr i feel empty
thats when im most present but sure thats the scariest time as
theres nothing there but i suppose right now theres nothing
really "here" either. what even is here. here is just like some
sticker that i just lash onto a load of experiences. what annoys
me the most is how i cant not grasp onto these passing
experiences for dear life and im actually kinda scared about
letting go. its like im trying to focus on things seperately and
once i try and do that they seem to fall apart but i cant seem
to accept that. that things really have no base anywhere, once
something is examined closely and zoomed in on it starts to sort
of spill into other things and it becomes a bit of a mess. this
is where the pain in my head starts, when i attempt to look at
something as it is but i cant quite put my finger on what it
actually is, i feel like i purposely sidetrack myself to avoid
the pure confusion that arises when its not there. its like im
just expecting it to be there. wow that was a tangent, looking
at this lamp to my side and really im not looking at a lamp,
trying to really look at it but i cant. i cant see the lamp im
trying to look at. oh, the lamp im trying to look at isnt really
a "lamp"va "lamp" is a thought, how could a thought resemble
actual experience, its like im trying to project a lamp out
there when its really just in my head.
to be continues
#Post#: 5427--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: November 28, 2014, 3:51 pm
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indeed it seems that way, cant seem to stop getting caught up in
mind patterns. thats when i start getting an anxious feeling but
i feel i should push past t but sometimes i just cant
#Post#: 5808--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: December 4, 2014, 1:13 pm
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tbh im not sure anything ive done up to this point has actually
served me anything, feeling pretty p****ed of at this point. im
always searching for something to fill this gap in me, a
constant hollownes that is always there. when im talking to
people, washing dishes, homework. i always feel empty.and i can
see that everything ive done in the past up to this point has no
relevance whatsoever, yet i still feel the strong urge to keep
going. its like im going in circles and i really want to just
tackle this thing but i cant bring myself to.
jed i really need some advice on where to go from here, i feel
stuck. what do you think?
#Post#: 5809--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 4, 2014, 2:28 pm
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Your confusion hinges upon one thing, there being a you in
everything and that you is a fiction, nonetheless a persistent
fiction. Practice your breathing, deep and slow belly breathing.
Confusion always precedes learning.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5811--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: December 4, 2014, 3:56 pm
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what do you make of all these "fraud enlightenments" going
around? where someone thinks theyve become enlightened and then
snap out of it? it seems to be quite common from what ive seen.
cant say i havent had it myself though :P
#Post#: 5820--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 5, 2014, 12:03 am
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Dear Pluggy:
Don't be concerned, it's none of your business. Focus on you.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 5870--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Plugturtle
Date: December 6, 2014, 1:30 pm
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Bit of a ramble
:DOk so throught the past few days ive been looking to see
whats actually here and its almost like im actually stepping
back and just watching as thoughts and words and images and all
sorts of things are happening but there not all happening theres
just a sort of whole without outlines, things become pretty
clear in these moments. This happend a few months ago i believe
where i was in a crystal clear experience where no questions
were waiting everything sort of slipped into place. I feel im
wasting time looking back on this though as whenever i do this i
end up procrastinating and enertaining myself elsewhere with
stupid activities.
im scared of losing everything i have and as im
writzing this i actually see the sillynessmof that because i
dont have anything to lose obviously. But if i dont keep
grounded i dunno where id end up. Pretty scary to risk something
thats so big in my life. But what im thinking of as being bad
right now in reality really isnt that bad at all. I mean the
thought of an experience comes with an opinion aswell which is
just linked to other opinions but not related to the actual
experience itself. No experience can really be distinguished
from another unless it comes with an opinion which is based of
other opinions.
#Post#: 5888--------------------------------------------------
Re: Zade
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 7, 2014, 2:01 am
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Sounds fine to me.
'
Love ya, Jed.
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