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#Post#: 7981--------------------------------------------------
None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 8, 2015, 2:11 pm
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Dear Jed,
After some struggeling (because i didn't like to read (anymore)
i found out that all was garbage and drifting me further away.
From what? Nothingness). I read the books. All i could do was
cry.. silently while reading. Because i knew it already and was
still fighting against it. Some periods i was (and am) eager...
and all i could do was write about personal stuff. Bit like the
four question thing from Byron -didn't read the whole thing- but
knew the method. I have detached myself from a lot of people in
that time cause i couldn't use the drama. When i couldn't fight
against it anymore. And one day i collapsed and after that i
slowly fell into a depression. It all hitted me like a mactruck
(and an other life changing event occured that time).
For me it feels more like facing facts that i always knew but
denied. And that now costs all my energy. Now the thing is that
everything that once was appealing is gone. I can not distract
myself anymore or justify the emotions. I can not see or meet
people, do the household and i even quit smoking something that
before seemed impossible. Of course i can do all those things
pratically speaking. But i can't... All tied up down too my bed
and watching all the feelings, emotions, thoughts, patterns ect
passing by. Sometimes i feel a part of it and cry. And sometimes
it's so far away. All i can do is looking at it. My mind seems
to work in the overdrive (when not, right?). I got nightmares
where my deepest fears are coming out. In the morning it feels
like mourning (more then only the mornings, though).
On the other hand thoughts of suïcide comes up every now and
then but that isn't the thing. It's like the mind rather have
that then this...
All seems pointless/useless and now what? All i can do is just
let the things happen. I don't have a choice.
While this is a part of where i'm in in the proces at the
moment.
I admit... that it feels sometimes like a never ending story.
Seeing Maya doing her tricks and i'm still falling for it.
FURTHER!
Do i have a question? Yes.. Maybe you can point a finger to
something, somewhere.
This is so pointless and feels yet so important.
Nice that you created this forum yet! Thank you...
P.S: I seem to have lost my concentration and focus along the
way... Everything is mixed and going in all sort of directions.
Have any advice on this?
With Love,
None
#Post#: 7982--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 8, 2015, 2:20 pm
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First i have dwelled in the teachings, rituals, methods,
meditations, gatherings, books, teachers and so on.
But that doesn't seem relevant at this stage. Already wrote a
lot about it and everytime i questioned it is the outcome that
it's not true!
Maybe more will come after the thing i dwell in at the moment.
What i meant with the things that passes by (emotions, thoughts,
visions ect) are the things i believed in. The things i denied.
The things that i didn't noticed before.. The denial and lies..
the self manipulative patterns, the things i though i had and so
on.
Just a add on the above..
Love,
None
#Post#: 7984--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 8, 2015, 2:33 pm
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Going to condense my text! Sorry Jed, more then 250 in this
one.
Head is exploding now (head ache) going to do it some later on!
N.
#Post#: 7987--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 8, 2015, 3:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
After some struggeling (because i didn't like to read (anymore)
i found out that all was garbage and drifting me further away.
From what? Nothingness). I read the books. All i could do was
cry.. silently while reading. Because i knew it already and was
still fighting against it. I have detached myself from a lot of
people in that time cause i couldn't use the drama. When i
couldn't fight against it i collapsed and after that i fell
into a (severe) depression. It all hitted me like a mactruck
(and an other life changing event occured that time).
For me it feels more like facing facts that i always knew but
denied. I can not distract myself anymore or justify the
emotions. I can not meet people nor do the household. Of course
i can do all those things pratically speaking. But i can't...
All tied up down too my bed and watching all the feelings,
emotions, thoughts, patterns ect passing by. Some are close and
some are far far away. It feels a lot like mourning...
On the other hand thoughts of suïcide comes up every now and
then but that isn't the thing. It's like the mind rather have
that then this...
All seems useless and yet so important.
Well this is a part of where i'm in in the proces at the moment.
I admit... that it feels sometimes like a never ending story.
Seeing Maya doing her tricks and i'm still falling for it.
FURTHER!
P.S: I seem to have lost my concentration and focus along the
way... Everything is mixed and going in all sort of directions.
Have any advice on this?
Got some feedback? Thanks Jed!
With Love,
None
#Post#: 8001--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 8, 2015, 10:51 pm
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Blah, blah, blah.... stop taking yourself to be so important.
Don't resist anything. That doesn't mean blindly do it, just
experience anything that comes up.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 8006--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 9, 2015, 3:14 am
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Am experiencing everything that comes up...
Am stopping or better said looking at it (the taking myself
important part) i can see what you mean...
The mind makes me (it) important-ish by doing the process.
Allthough it's not!
Today I started with getting up and just doing the things i
needed to do. It's like a game i realised this morning more then
before.
It's me playing the game or the game is playing me.
In my last posts it was the game that played me. Been fooled
again.
Making much more drama of it then it actually is. Holding on too
things that are actually already gone!
Wow! And then comes the taking myself so important part that
likes to hold on.. cause who am i besides this all?
I clinged to it all because i fell into emptiness... and then i
just filled it up myself! Hahahahahaha!
I'm having a good laugh atm...
Going to write again.. appearently i needed this!
Thanks Jed!
Love,
None
#Post#: 8012--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 9, 2015, 5:08 am
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It's almost like a bipolair disorder... From the one state to
the other...
Hollowness --> Fear --> Ressistent --> Depression --> Giving it
a meaning (myself/the situation) --> Axiety --> Looking -->
seeing --> Clearness and then the round starts all over
again... Of course it goes differently at times.. but this is
what i discovered just now..
I can't stop laughing about the thing i just saw... I make
problems but there are no f**king problems! I knew it
rationally... but didn't saw it myself.
Hahahaha! All i can do is laugh about it... I geuss something
broke just now instead of sadness (the usual here) i experience
some kind of lightness. Find it quit enjoyble. While typing this
i feel some sort of restlessness growing it doesn't make me stop
laughing, though!
Love,
None
#Post#: 8014--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 9, 2015, 5:27 am
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Excellent!
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 8055--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 10, 2015, 5:44 am
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Thank you Jed!
Apparently that one sentence was enough to stop being
sentimental about it all. And clinging to some sort of
illusionary depression.
I decide after my good laugh to go out for a walk. I walked for
hours straight in the pouring rain. It all didn't matter. Yes it
was raining and yes I was wet. But it all just was f*cking
perfect as it was! I realized some things just by going on the
walk. I walked on a long road and was watching the branches on
the ground everywhere. My ex partners son collected those. Then
the thought came up too take one also with me. While I thought
about him... And voila, a branch broke of a tree and fell right
before me. I picked it up... And then suddenly I saw something.
It's Maya again! I thought about something then it happened and
now I must attach to it again I must give it some value. Not the
branch but the thoughts. The dream.
I threw it away with a big smile... I felt like Ahab that
moment. Everything that was standing in my way from seeing it I
want to kill it. No matter what. It had something creepy in it,
though. Then I continued walking.. By the time I got home I saw
that all kind of thoughts came up... But that I didn't grasp it.
It comes out of nothing.. And disappears out of nothing... Wauw!
It's all f*cking me! I'm the f**king branch! I'm the illusion...
I created it! All because some sort of belief in the dream.. in
me actually! Ouch!
It's beautiful but also a stake trough the heart...
Love,
None
#Post#: 8056--------------------------------------------------
Re: None Subject...
DIR By: None
Date: January 10, 2015, 5:54 am
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I'm just one big joke, Jed!
Out of the depression and then seeing this... it's all one big
joke. A show.. And the depression show I created myself! Not
feeling guilty about it... Feeling a bit stupid though... after
seeing this. And yet it's perfect!
Maya has a black sence of humor...
Can not stop smiling at the moment...
Love,
None
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