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#Post#: 58--------------------------------------------------
ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: August 27, 2014, 5:51 pm
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It started innocently enough. A few questions asked of a
Conservative rabbi when I was in high school about why we
believed this or that about God. Not because I felt I
personally needed the reasons for what I had already accepted as
the “obvious” truths, but because it seemed a “well-educated”
college-bound student ought to have some stock answers he could
keep in his pocket. It was stunning that the harder the
well-intentioned rabbi tried to assure me and a close friend of
mine regarding the existence of God, free will and whatever else
we happened to ask about, the more I became convinced I had to
figure it all out for myself. I began to assume it was up to me
figure out what the so-called authorities had not bothered to
think through.
College, a B.A. in philosophy, and a big mistake. The
professors seemed to know more than I did about the big
questions which I thought I had to solve. They knew all the
arguments on “both” sides, and sides I had not even considered,
and I became convinced it had all been figured out already. I
just had to learn what was there. Big mistake. A semester of
graduate work in the sterility of analytic philosophy, and I was
then swept up and radicalized during what became the Watergate
era and left graduate school. The only important questions were
economic and political ones, which we were entirely responsible
for. A 7+ year stint with a political group often described as
on the fringe, but who cares which group. Was married and
divorced. Decided I had had enough of the fringe group I was
in, even if it was my fault that my leaving might accelerate
global economic and nuclear disaster.
Law school, a J.D., admission to the Bar in 1987, and I am
still practicing full-time in a small firm, primarily
representing claimants with work-related injuries. Along the
way I had a wide variety of jobs—wheel-of-fortune operator (on
the Asbury Park, NJ boardwalk), shipping/receiving clerk, all
night answering service (before there was voice mail),
substitute teacher, railroad agent, epidemiology research
assistant, law clerk, and more. Married again, now since 1986,
with a son who is happily in a post-graduate internship in the
field of his choice.
Around the mid-90s I came across Tony Robbins and NLP.
Needed to feel like I was more effective in the world. Read
everything I could about NLP and went to a couple of seminars,
listened to a lot of tapes by Richard Bandler. Then, out of the
blue, I received an odd advertisement from a commodity trader
who had a spiritual writer he wanted everyone to read. On a
whim, I bought the package which included a book that struck a
chord. It stated there was nothing more for me to do, everything
was fine as it was, and I just had to get back home and discover
who I was.
This set off my seeker mode, and I started reading book
after book: Nisargadatta’s I Am That and the assorted books
written or edited by Robert Powell, Ramesh and more Ramesh,
Ramana Maharshi, Papaji, Gangaji, J. Krishnamurti, etc. Ten or
so years ago I read Francis Lucille’s book and met him at one of
his retreats. They say there was a big smile on my face after I
spoke with him for 5 minutes. I don’t know why, because he
implied I would need to have a guide in order to reach TR. I
had no intention of following any particular individual, but it
was a nice discussion.
And then I just stopped. I figured that if Ramesh was right,
and there was no doer, and no free will—everything just
happens—I might as well not even try- If it was this
body-mind’s destiny to awaken, so be it. If not, so what?
There was nothing I could do about it. Spent some time (about 2
years) with Bill Harris’s Holosync CDs, the lazy person’s way to
meditate. Just put the headphones on, and…. I fell asleep
almost every time. Somehow I do not think it is the key to
waking up, even if you can get into some pleasant states.
A couple of years later I came across Robert Scheinfeld’s
material and the seeking began again. Without getting into his
model or theories, his process emphasized the illusory quality
of what we take to be real, and I found this useful for a time.
His approach to wealth, the idea that all money is an expression
of appreciation, whether we are giving it or receiving it, made
a tremendous difference in allowing me to get comfortable about
most money situations. And there was something else. In an
online forum, he unequivocally recommended reading your
material, Jed.
. So around 2009-10 I started reading and re-reading your
books and doing SA. I began to realize that I had made a wrong
turn in college when I stopped questioning it all. My big
mistake! And in June of 2010 I managed to take what I regard as
my First Step which I posted on your forum back in 2012. I
asked, “What if there were no “I”?” And the question looped
back on itself over and over, and suddenly, like in a Scott
Kiloby’s Unfindable Inquiry, the “I” literally disappeared.
It just wasn’t there. Seemed like a First Step to me. Of
course, the I came back. Then, while doing SA, I discovered
Not-Knowing, really thinking it was mine until Pi directed me in
the Forum to check out Peter Ralston’s book. Anyway, it was nice
to know I found it on my own. But I was, of course, far from
being awakened.
When you shut down the Forum the second time (after I had
so persuasively convinced you to re-open it), I reconciled
myself to going it alone. Your words in TOE seemed to take care
of every contingency, i.e., Consciousness is what consciousness
is conscious of. Consciousness is true. What consciousness is
conscious of is not. I didn’t really need to consider anything
else. I glided along on this for months.
The Forum re-opened, and it seemed clear to me that I had
some more work to do. You recently stated that “Done” was not
quite what you were trying to convey in Damndest. It was more
like being doner and doner. The analogy you once used on the
Forum was of a machine that starts going and then keeps going on
its own momentum as one goes deeper and deeper; there is no
finite doneness and that’s fine with me. What we are looking
for is the SEEKING, you said in another post, and sometimes I
get that.
More recently after reading Goran’s book and some Wei Wu
Wei, I have focused on being the SEEKING, as feeling, seeing,
hearing… I distinguish the objects of perception as just those
sensations of feeling, seeing, hearing that arise in thought and
“out there” as I allow them to manifest and fade, bearing in
mind they are ephemeral . Kind of a mix of Kiloby and the
Forum’s Clinical Trial Experimentation.
No one in my social circle seems to have the slightest
interest in this stuff (so I rarely discuss it outside of the
Forum; your suggestion in the Rules is well-taken) And that is
“where” I seem to be at the moment.
Your efforts on behalf of me and my other dreamed
characters are greatly by me and them! And I continue to look
forward to all of your posts!
#Post#: 61--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: August 27, 2014, 6:49 pm
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Was just trying to say in the last piece with a typo at the end
that your efforts, Jed, are greatly appreciated!
#Post#: 68--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 11:08 pm
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Hi Cool:
Got it. Sounds like a pretty well thought out journey, and also
a good way to avoid to avoid what you are seeking, but that's
not a criticism as there is value to be found in everything if
you are open to it. Your are obviously pretty clever and that
can be a bitch at times. I would ask you to hone things down,
think about... what is you most pressing question at this
moment. Only a couple of lines required. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 103--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: August 28, 2014, 12:09 pm
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Hi Jed: Those who “get whatever it is,” describe a shift that
takes place in how they look at things, the apperception of what
is, rather than the piecemeal approach I seem to take which
knocks down or strikes through one illusory object at a time.
So my current pressing Q is: Is it best to proceed as I have,
simply pounding away as things arise, or am I missing something?
#Post#: 120--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 29, 2014, 1:42 am
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You aren't missing a think, a 'shift' doesn't just happen,
sometimes decades have been invested and you don't hear that
side of the story. I think you are doing just fine.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 156--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: August 29, 2014, 7:53 pm
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Reassuring to read your reply, and I am determined to see
through it, as just another manifestation along the way.
Many thanks, Jed.
#Post#: 162--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 29, 2014, 10:58 pm
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I'm probably having more fun than you are, but.... keep it up,
further. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 397--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: September 2, 2014, 8:24 pm
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A haze has arisen. And with it some stuckness. Or, maybe it
is the other way around. Doesn't matter. Some tension in chest
and near the neckline and jaws. And the feeling that something
has to be done to break through this, even if there is no doer
and there is nothing to be done. It may be all all imaginary,
but when stuff like this happens, I start trying all the tricks.
Acceptance and waiting for the next thought to arise. Thoughts
are not coming too easily. Welcoming doesn't seem like an
option when this state sets in.
Just pay attention. The sounds around me, the humming of the
air conditioner, the sound of rain on the roof gets my
attention. And a feeling of fear. Probably the biggest
component. Of what? Just some generalized anxiety. The fear
starts to convert to sensations in legs and arms and feet, like
energy spreading out. Breathing helps and the haze starts to
clear.
At some level this is complete nonsense. It is all obviously
illusory, but experience nonetheless. Don't get to have
anything besides experiencing and the awareness of it.
Question: Is there a way to cut to the heart of this, or is it
a matter of taking each episode a step at a time?
#Post#: 408--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 3, 2014, 1:47 am
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If cutting to the heart is called for it will happen, without
your help. Otherwise, baby steps... Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 479--------------------------------------------------
Re: ANY IDEAS FOR NEXT STEP?
DIR By: Cool1
Date: September 3, 2014, 3:41 pm
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I know. I think I always know when there is a block.
Just don’t always find myself acknowledging it. The
difficulty is that one wants to think they are beyond where they
are. No good reason for that; more work is just indicated.
Right now (early afternoon) it is a feeling right around the
esophageal area, like GERD-style indigestion. But I know it is
not really that, since it was there before I ate. And I
actually feel pretty good, physically but for that blockage.
Just feel it and watch it. I would “like” to “blame” it on
getting back to the office today after a number of days off, but
I am sort of ahead of the game for the time being there, with no
pressing issues.
Fear again. Feels like vibrations in chest area. Looking at
the page on this screen, it almost makes it look like it is
vibrating as well. Now going through both arms. There is sound
around, a discussion in another room, but no sound internally,
i.e., no internal voices or sounds from the mental sphere. So
there is a quietude and that is interesting. Do not even have
any self-talk.
Time passes. There is nothing there, visually or
sound-wise; only my breathing and who could ask for more?
I have no questions for now, and do not seem to need
a response.
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