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#Post#: 5856--------------------------------------------------
Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: steph
Date: December 5, 2014, 4:03 pm
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I'm going through a lot. Feel like my head is going to explode
to find myself lying on a bed of broken dreams choking on the
ashes of failure. I've been avoiding this my whole life. I
can't hold it back anymore. If I find myself having absurd
meaningless conversations with people who I feel are just using
my time to inflate their own pathetic ego I either don't say
anything and suffer from migraines or I say something, offend
them, and lose a 'friend.' I'm in the thick of it now. Lived
in New York for 8 years and moved to Northern California,
thought I was in love, but rather, I was chasing it. The
unattainable. Searching for myself in all the wrong places,
totally devastated by what I would find, it is starting to eat
me alive. I just turned 34 and I realize that I have spent my
entire life learning how to lie to myself and to others. Living
in complete delusion. Doing what I thought were all the right
things, barely hanging onto anything. One step out of line and
it could all fall down, this dream world, this nightmare. It's
getting to the point where I can't even hear what anyone is
saying anymore. If I tune in it's like listening to complete
gibberish. I don't even understand the words anymore, and I
don't know what to say!!! I smile back but i'm in tears on the
inside. Just want to walk toward the light and everyone around
me wants to stay in the dark. Living in a heavy handed
metaphor. My father passed away two years ago at the age of 52.
I didn't spend time with him as much as I would have liked to.
He was the only family I had. I was working at a restaurant job
when I got the call and I broke down in the middle of my shift
in front of all these paying customers and screamed
uncontrollably for hours in the basement. It broke me. I had
just seen him three days prior after two years of being away. I
still don't even know how I feel about it. Everyone turned and
showed their true colors and I lost it. I left my entire family
and found myself completely alone wondering what the next move
was going to be. I had nowhere to go, so I went to spend time
in the country. I didn't want to pursue what I was doing in New
York anymore. Brokenness all around me. Memories that haunted
me. Now everyone is having children and getting married, good
for them, but it's not for me! Trying to find my way but I
don't see a way out anywhere. I see no light at the end of the
tunnel. People say I need to go to India, that my life will
change with this drug or that drug, that I need to open up my
mind. But my mind is opening and it is showing me that most of
the paths people take just take them further into their
illusions. They want company, but I would rather die a million
deaths over and over again before I become one of these stale,
fake humans suffocating underneath the heavy armor of lies.
They want an affectionate pat on the back. That's what
socializing is. That's what having a lot of friends seems to be
all about. Smiling and going along with the crowd, laughing at
all the right things and saying just enough not to get yourself
in trouble. So many rules! Who caaaares! People wear
spirituality like it's a fashion statement now. They talk about
all the places they've been, or who they've studied under, or
who they've hugged (!) and expect me to gawk in awe at how much
more evolved they are than the rest ! And they want to talk
about it for hours and all I can think about is where's the
exit!! How do i get out of here?! How did I get here!? Now I
just can't keep my mouth shut! They know now that I'm the one
who's a little off her rocker, the one who ACTUALLY calls people
out on their bulls***. Can't stand the ego, when I see it
coming I immediately try to leave because I just can't hold
myself back. It angers me, it frustrates me, it tears me apart.
You see, I've always been in the parking lot looking at the
amusement park everyone seems to be having so much fun in. As
you say, "the fire rages on." I do breathing exercises, I try
to calm myself down, I have my ways of not losing it completely,
but I have been tempted to smash everything around me into a
million pieces, only to reflect what I feel is going on inside.
Because no one gets it! No one wants to go there. Their life
is carefully designed not to break the funny mirror that so
successfully camouflages their pipe dream. What is the purpose
of our existence? Maybe it's just to be machines that propagate
our selfish genes. No one is at the top of the tree. I have to
run now....
#Post#: 5876--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 6, 2014, 11:20 pm
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Dear Steph:
forum rules, keep posts to less than 250 words, and ask only one
question at a time. Focusing is in your best interest as you
mind obviously is wandering. Start here and now.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 5884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: steph
Date: December 7, 2014, 1:33 am
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Ok. Sorry about that. I wasn't aware of the rules. You mentioned
that enlightenment is the unbecoming of who you never were. I
know I'm nothing, I know I'm ordinary, that there is nothing
truly unique or special about my existence. I know that time on
earth is short. I know that I really know nothing at all. How
do we learn to truly love others and ourselves knowing that we
are complete nothingness? This is a new subject for me, waking
up from the dream. Yes, I'm afraid of what I will discover, but
I'm the type that really wants to go further. There will be
parts I've been hiding from that will creep their ugly head and
I'll be tempted to shut the door, and I probably will, but I
really want to wake up. Like I said, I'm an infant when it comes
to this, so please be gentle!
#Post#: 5885--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 7, 2014, 1:53 am
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Dear Steph:
You can't love others. It's impossible. There are no others and
you already are the love you seek.
Love ya, Jed. (when I say that I mean that I am the love you
are, not literally that I love a you)
#Post#: 5892--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: steph
Date: December 7, 2014, 2:44 am
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Is a part of waking up being the one all your acquaintances
start to hate? Because as I've scraped the surface I have found
it difficult to perform the usual pleasantries. It's kind of
like leaving the dream but going into a nightmare. Perhaps this
is just a beginners stage where nothing seems to make sense and
yet make perfect sense at the same time. Where the feeling is
clear but the words never make it out of your mouth. I'm around
a lot of spiritual hoopla by default, not on purpose, just the
environment that surrounds this area. But I find it hard to take
anything anyone is saying seriously when they continue to use
mind altering substances to elevate their mood. So many around
me living in a carefully fabricated dream and I feel that I am
beginning to show that I don't find that dream interesting
anymore. And I feel hated and labelled as a cynic, the person
who doesn't know how to take life lightly, the downer.
#Post#: 5901--------------------------------------------------
Re: Tumultuous dreams
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 7, 2014, 8:39 am
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Dear Steph:
On of the things that comes with T/R is your friends WILL NOT
understand you and it's very easy to solve. Get new friends, if
you feel like company. Otherwise don't get any friends at all,
just whomever shows up. This is why I say it's often better to
just keep you mouth shut. They won't understand you and their
ego will know you are a threat.
Love ya, Jed.
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