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#Post#: 1414--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 19, 2014, 10:03 am
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sooo anticlimactic.
is there a difference between 'still' and 'stuck'?
#Post#: 1416--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 19, 2014, 10:20 am
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Still by choice, stuck by events. But if no you then both are
the same.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1428--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 19, 2014, 2:46 pm
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i've noticed that i unconsciously rush and i feel it in my
heels. they carry more step weight when i am in my head. when i
am in my body, below the neck though, my toes spread more, my
weight is more evenly distributed, each surface cell presses to
the floor. the whole back of my body feels lighter.
of course, this is when standing or walking. when seated, this
same expansion extends across the back and sides of my thighs
and bottom. seated, i feel closer to ground, rooted, even if in
a chair.
laying down, there is more boundary sensation along the back of
my body. my neck, lower back, knees and ankles form bridges.
where my flesh presses the floor feels like a puddle. again more
weight in the heel, but arches and toes relaxed and open,
creating a partial hole through which i can feel the draft of
the ceiling fan.
#Post#: 1561--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 22, 2014, 11:02 am
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[quote author=mariam link=topic=22.msg1290#msg1290
date=1410973114]
so what pointless point am i looking at here? i guess it would
be that 'doing unto others' seems to entail an 'honest' probing
into what aggressions will not stand, an embracing of
resistance, despite suggestions of powerlessness.
[/quote]
'doing unto others', at it's most refined, only entails seeing
that nothing ever happened.
#Post#: 1563--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 22, 2014, 11:17 am
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intended to write more, something about the hereditary stream
and all these stunning insights i had over the weekend, but i'm
having trouble regrouping, after the
that followed the previous post. it desires more
attention than i've given it, so i'm returning to it.
maybe i'll can write more later.
thank you.
#Post#: 1617--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 23, 2014, 1:09 pm
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even when it appears i am unable to write, everything everyone
everthought is being written every(w)here. i need do nothing
other than what's indicated.
#Post#: 1618--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 23, 2014, 1:21 pm
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stare out the window. answer the phone. change the laundry.
contemplate awareness. sit down, write something. stare out the
window.
#Post#: 1762--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 26, 2014, 1:10 pm
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[quote author=Jed McKenna link=topic=22.msg1416#msg1416
date=1411140052]
Still by choice, stuck by events. But if no you then both are
the same.
Love ya, Jed.
[/quote]
i'm going to give the memory contemplation some time today, but
i'm feeling the desire for the culmination of this wizard of oz
contemplation before i move along. my daughters and i just
finished reading the book for the third time, and perhaps the
next time, it will read entirely different, but these are the
'useful' parts gleaned from the most recent read, that also
(not)surprisingly reveal the page i appear to be resting on,
wondering if i'm stuck or just still.
dorothy never left kansas, just like nothing ever happened, but
without the imagined event, there would be no story. so in the
story, dorothy is blown out of her everyday existence by an
extreme and unforeseen disturbance, then she awakes in a dream
that is already seemingly unfolding 'beneath' her, literally at
her feet. all she can think of is how to get back to where she
was before, but landing in oz has irrevocably changed dorothy.
she's fallen into the inconceivable, inadvertently killing a
witch and liberating the munchkins. dorothy's character is no
longer 'as she was before'. all she can do is either withdraw,
curl up in her bed and beg for death, or put one foot in front
of the other and get on with whatever's next.
the scarecrow, to me, only demonstrates that there isn't really
a difference between straw, brains, and cereal packed with pins
and needles. the real 'gold' of the scarecrow is that he could
be disassembled, strung out, flung about, then reassembled into
something that somewhat resembled his previous form. that, and
he could mercilessly break the necks of 40 crows.
i read the tinman as more of a cautionary tale about what might
happen when one has hacked away all their parts. he was so in
love with the munchkin maiden, that losing his whole body, and
even his head, one piece at a time, could not deter him, until
that final cut, right down the middle that removed his heart.
after that, he no longer cared whether he married the munchkin
maiden or not. before setting out for the emerald city, he
asserted that the loss of his heart had been the most grievous
of his life, and if oz would give him a new heart, he would
return to the maiden and marry her, but by the end of the book
he had forgotten her again. i guess once meaninglessness has
been fathomed, it perhaps takes too much to put the pieces and
the path back together.
the lion loved dorothy, and was devoted to her, as he was the
only meat creature of the bunch, aside from dorothy and toto. he
was wired with many of same survival mechanisms and emotions
that meat creatures are made of, and playing the part of a meat
creature requires at least some amount courage. the only thing
oz actually did for the lion was to direct his attention inward,
because without direct experience, there could be no
recognition.
dorothy, from what i can tell, was on the journey for just one
experience: forgiveness. it was the only way for her to return
to what she could never be apart from. kansas, like oz, or
nebraska, was only another differentiated time-space label.
no place is home, yet i'm always (t)here.
#Post#: 1763--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 26, 2014, 1:46 pm
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so far, i'm finding my memories to be surprisingly uncharged.
the question comes up, what is a 'bad' memory? even those
memories that i once perceived as terribly painful, they are
still the same collection of lines and light, a picture of
sorts, but there is no depth to them and they pass quickly, like
slides in a projector. the question comes up, what is a memory?
#Post#: 1787--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 27, 2014, 9:32 am
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what's a 'bad' memory? one that's kept unexamined and hidden
away, then crops up, not as a distant picture, but as a
programmed and nearly automatic response to what is happening
'now'. i observed it in an argument with my husband last night.
the conversation had started out pretty light-hearted, joking
around while i prepared dinner, but then a question about our
oldest daughter's auto insurance came up and he erupted. he felt
the effort i had been making to bring everything into alignment
was not enough, not happening fast enough. he clearly stated
that, 'since no one else was interested in getting the ****
done', he'd make the calls and get it taken care of monday. the
wisest choice might have been for me to say 'fine, sounds good',
then let it go, but i didn't. i chose to be offended instead,
washed away by unexamined, unreleased memories of past incidents
of similar color, laid one upon another upon another. no longer
operating as a 'bad' memory or two, but a broad and sweeping
s***storm, gathered from all the times i've felt i had given my
best effort only to have the effort ignored completely, or to
have him proclaim my effort as bull****, so he can insert
himself in the effort and feel like he saved the f***ing day.
memories are ego ammunition, just as you indicated. i didn't see
it at first. your statement that memories are often about being
'right' didn't make much sense to me when i was in relaxed
contemplation, but sure enough, after engaging in an egoic
skirmish with at least some degree of awareness, it's strikingly
clear.
thank you memories, for parading my ineptitude and futility
before me, thank you , for showing me
that what i actually am can welcome anything and remain
unaffected, and thank you, jed, for whatever it is you're doing.
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