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#Post#: 1161--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 15, 2014, 11:28 am
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it takes effort to post here, like pulling a bucket of water
from the well.
there's no fear associated with what's said or who might see it,
little concern for how it comes across, at least not right now
(i've noticed this isn't always the case). it's more like i have
to construct boundaries, a framework, in order to post. i have
to conjure an 'i' in order to write 'you'. the benefit, i guess,
is that, here, i can observe the process consciously. whereas,
in 'other' venues, the 'i' is called up in more
seemingly-unconscious ways, often appearing and acting before i
am even aware of it, and nearly always operating (and bound)
within the confines of a socio-physical construct. and that's
where the fear usually shows up. it's unfounded, of course. i
really don't have that kind of power. i seem to have clearly
declared and acted out the end of meaning(lessness) with many of
my nearest and dearest, and yet my character remains securely
housed in the hearts and minds of the supporting cast, or at
least it seems that way. i appear ineffectual at this level, but
i can never really know.
egoic contemplation, that's what this is. and i'm aware of it
because this line of thinking leads to 'what if i did something
more drastic? what if i haven't been ruthless enough? what might
i do to know 'effect'?' it's ego. only ego asks those questions.
now, to embrace without pandering...
#Post#: 1164--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 15, 2014, 11:37 am
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is there a difference between 'here' and 'other' venues?
summoning the steps as i imagine myself taking them...
#Post#: 1182--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 15, 2014, 5:48 pm
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what 'other' venues? it's all here, all the time. i'm as free
and as confined in this construct as i am any(w)here, which may
mean it's ALL bulls***.
there's relief in that sometimes. like yesterday. i got snagged
in one of my biggest discomforts, i chose to use the television
as a child entertainer so i could work. i see it as one of my
worst parental practices and every time i do it, i regret it
afterward. when the tv goes off the kids are whiney, lethargic
and unfocused, which madly trips my 'no control' trigger. then
another mistake, i b**** about it to my partner, saying
something like, 'movie afternoon was a mistake.' he replies
something like, 'i don't see it. they're acting no differently
than they normally do.' i disagree, i take up defense, i have a
point, i need to be right, he must be convinced. but before i
even get a sentence from my mouth, this thought, this really
golden thought, strikes me, 'no defense is needed. i'm not on
trial, and even if i were, it wouldn't matter. decisions already
made.' i stopped talking, stopped defending, stopped caring. let
him think whatever he thinks. it's all bulls***.
other times it seems there may be abysmal sadness in it. like
last night. i got caught by one of my greatest joys, seeing my
daughter's last smile of the night before she rolled over and
fell asleep. i know, as in 'deeper than intellectual knowing',
that 'my daughter' is a story, but what about the smile?
make-believe bulls***? or not?
i pull the bucket, hoping for water, but i don't ever know what
will come up until it does. i could be pulling sludge, mud or
sand, hydrocarbon contamination, toads, maybe a nixie, or all
that ever appeared to be. bucket, bucket, what's in the bucket?
#Post#: 1186--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 15, 2014, 6:25 pm
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[quote author=mariam link=topic=22.msg1182#msg1182
date=1410821336]
there's relief in that sometimes. like yesterday. i got snagged
in one of my biggest discomforts, i chose to use the television
as a child entertainer so i could work. i see it as one of my
worst parental practices and every time i do it, i regret it
afterward. when the tv goes off the kids are whiney, lethargic
and unfocused, which madly trips my 'no control' trigger. then
another mistake, i b**** about it to my partner, saying
something like, 'movie afternoon was a mistake.' he replies
something like, 'i don't see it. they're acting no differently
than they normally do.' i disagree, i take up defense, i have a
point, i need to be right, he must be convinced. but before i
even get a sentence from my mouth, this thought, this really
golden thought, strikes me, 'no defense is needed. i'm not on
trial, and even if i were, it wouldn't matter. decisions already
made.' i stopped talking, stopped defending, stopped caring. let
him think whatever he thinks. it's all bulls***.
[/quote]
it's guilt seeking justification/confirmation/more guilt.
clearly bulls***, and a relief to recognize it as false.
so would i call the smile 'innocence'? no. more like what is
neither guilty nor innocent and knows itself as beyond them
both. my translation is what stinks like s***.
#Post#: 1202--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 15, 2014, 11:12 pm
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No need to think anything, just breath and relax. Watch all that
stuff... it's the gift, the entertainment. Don't resist, but
welcome it all. It's just easier and you may need the energy for
something more important in the future... like... well, I don't
know, just more important. Can't think of anything more
important right now.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1290--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 17, 2014, 11:58 am
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don't overthink, but welcome overthinking, all the while
remaining open and ready to throw the bucket if that wicked
witch tries to steal my shoes. i've been digesting the
implications. not really thinking, but just letting things
percolate.
dorothy and the lion laid together in secret, night after night,
thinking of ways to escape their captivity, and all of their
contemplations never did set them free. it was dorothy's
incensed response that eventually brought the dissolution of
their captor. did she welcome the witch's last transgression,
the attempted theft of the silver slippers? first thought is
'no, she resisted the attempt'. but second thought is 'yes, she
welcomed the resistance and used it to move the story into
another chapter'. of course, once the witch was gone and the
tinman and scarecrow were put back together, they all nearly
perished in the roadless fields between the west and the emerald
city, but it was nothing that a mouse queen, a band of winged
monkeys and a macguffin couldn't overcome.
i bring it up because it seems applicable to HA, which is what i
imagine myself to be exploring here.
...
i guess it would be that 'doing unto others' seems to entail an
'honest' probing into what aggressions will not stand, an
embracing of resistance, despite suggestions of powerlessness.
actually, i just needed something to write about to keep my
'pen' sharp. too much time in the ,
and i feel like a wasn't, and wasn't has no fun at all, no it
doesn't.
#Post#: 1291--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 17, 2014, 12:24 pm
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[quote]Hi Mariam:
Boy, your brain is a pain. You are too smart for you own good.
The thoughts that come to me are you are experiencing some
blocks in your body. I strongly believe in breath work, nothing
exotic, but just good belly breathing, yoga style, and gradually
getting slower and deeper. Other that than, use your brain to
whittle down to one question for me.
Love ya, Jed.
P.S. Forget that childhood bull, everyone had a challenging
childhood because no parent knows what to do until it's too
late.[/quote]
the belly breathing is grand. such a simple and subtle exercise.
to expand it a bit, i've also been working with the 'complete'
breath, not just filling the lower lungs, but also filling the
middle and upper lungs as well, through the front, sides and
back. i resist at the end of the inhale, holding the empty
fullness for a moment before exhaling. once the exhale feels
complete, fully emptied, i resist again, holding a moment before
welcoming the next breath.
air, yet another unshakable addiction.
#Post#: 1311--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 18, 2014, 12:37 am
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Dear M;
Good to hear you are enjoying the breathing. Don't push it, be
gentle. Share any further experiences.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1370--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 18, 2014, 1:54 pm
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don't push it, be gentle. as indicated, and maybe not really up
to me.
the other day we were eating lunch on the back patio when the
cat caught a bird in the foxgrapes. there was a moment of
fearful calculation of the impression and i realized that if i
didn't do something, my daughters would. i grabbed the cat by
the back of the neck and lifted him, squeezing the back of his
jaw with my other hand. his mouth opened and the bird flew free,
seemingly uninjured. who knows what happened once it reached the
branches, but from appearances, it was unscathed. the cat had
caught it in such a way that the bird's head filled his whole
mouth and he couldn't bring his jaw down around it's throat. the
cat seemed ticked off for a bit, but he got past it.
this character, this part, it's not up to me. i can describe it
and use it, but i cannot control it, nor do i seem able to walk
out on it.
through, through, through...
#Post#: 1413--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 19, 2014, 10:00 am
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there's nothing to walk out on, and nobody to do the walking.
it's all untruth and there is only the unrealization of it.
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