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#Post#: 829--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 8, 2014, 11:18 am
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you could be right. maybe that is all i want- to feel good. but
i seem equally accepting of feeling bad, so maybe what i want is
more complex (or simple) than that. i'll continue to
contemplate.
i may have misunderstood the question, 'what are you holding
onto right now?'.
right now i am holding on to the body posture and thought stream
necessary to type here. i am holding on to the thought that i'm
writing something to someone. is this what's holding me back?
maybe.
a more sincere effort? i've actually been contemplating the
question as much as i could over the last day or so. these are
some of the other answers that came up:
what am i holding on to?
*my breath
*my sanity
*this: 'Truth exists.'
*this seeking for Truth, because it's what was indicated, after
your insights laid bare the meaninglessness of 'my life'
*you (the water of this one is still pretty muddy and i'm
patiently waiting for it to settle. i finally watched 'valhalla
rising' the other night. i remember there was lots of discussion
of it on the previous forum, lots of confusion/questions about
it's 'message'. it hit me like a bullet between the eyes,
culminated in just one scene, in just one line: 'if he's lying,
then why are you following him?')
you said that what i'm holding on to would be what is holding me
back, but that's not how it's registering for me. so either i
missed the mark of your question, there's something hiding in my
blind spot, or your experience of the contemplation was/is
different than mine. or maybe all/none of the above.
what's holding me back is belief in the thought/story that i'm
being held back. it's that simple.
#Post#: 833--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 8, 2014, 11:32 am
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If it's that simple, just drop it an move on.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 834--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 8, 2014, 11:42 am
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like water.
#Post#: 947--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 10, 2014, 5:19 am
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what am i holding on to now? questioning. it's what happens when
i drop the answer(s), and i'm not abiding in 'no questions, no
answers'.
i've been playing with your question, 'how would i know this is
not me?' the early answers were 'i wouldn't. i couldn't. it's
all me.' too much me though, yeah? so i kept with the question.
how would i know this is not me?
by detachment, or more softly put, by untruth unrealization.
am i on track?
#Post#: 955--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 10, 2014, 8:03 am
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Your are always on track mariam, but at times you mind may
criticize you or say you aren't, but .. you are.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 966--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 10, 2014, 11:42 am
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thank you.
#Post#: 1018--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 11, 2014, 4:03 pm
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what am i holding onto now?
an 'i'. i am holding i.
is it holding me back?
seems more like it's just holding the time-space in which
welcoming and letting go happens.
which means...
illusion. i am holding onto illusion.
what is it appearing in?
am-ing.
#Post#: 1019--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 11, 2014, 5:48 pm
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an 'i'? show me.
where is 'i'?
#Post#: 1053--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 13, 2014, 10:53 am
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i'm feeling altered. present, but in a nonsensical and removed
sortof way.
i've had little sleep. my mother's been visiting. she often has
nightmares, crying out and talking in her sleep. my daughter was
ill during her visit, vomiting in the night, so i was awake for
many hours. i listened to my mom yelling, ranting and sobbing
through nearly the whole night, observing how closely the
conversations of her sleeping dreams mirror what i perceive as
the undercurrent of her waking-dream 'reality'.
in the morning, over coffee, my 'caring daughter' persona
suggested to my mother that bryophyllum might help alleviate
some of the night-terrors and anxiety, but my 'seeker' persona
quietly chalked the whole thing up as further evidence that
sleeping-dreams and waking-dreams are essentially the same,
ultimately have no meaning, and lie ten steps backwards from
where i seem to be.
#Post#: 1060--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 13, 2014, 5:09 pm
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then my 'little bastard' chimed in, 'ten steps backward from
where you seem to be? really? such bull****! you're a mask
obscuring the infinite.'
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