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#Post#: 625--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 5, 2014, 12:26 pm
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yesterday afternoon my kids and i walked around the
neighborhood, asking for money to support a school fundraiser.
there was nothing to buy or sell, just an upfront donation
request. i was waaaaay resistant, but welcoming eventually. my
job was to hang back, listen, observe, and record what each
person donated. the kids were the conversers and collectors. i
was entertained by the ever-evolving pitch, and it was
interesting to observe the dynamics of various social
constructs. the kindness and generosity most people demonstrated
induced the warm fuzzies.
then later in the evening the coin flipped and fear arose,
remnants of indoctrinated 'stranger danger', scraps of memory,
and headlines of sex abuse. all sounding the alarm: you have no
control!
... trust is the only option.
story drops. in what is this all occurring?
story picks back up. making love to my husband last night, a
meditation in resistance and welcoming. amid the clutching and
thrusting, i noticed an arising thought of gratitude for
pleasure and for my partner, then found myself flipped into the
briar patch of resistant mind chatter speaking of force and
violence. no control?
... welcome. let go.
it appears, from what i've written here, that when i let go of
gratitude, a more insidious perspective arises. is this my
remaining ****?
it's a story. in what is the story occurring?
or am i circumnavigating by moving so quickly to the background
awareness? do i still have a bunch of **** to burn?
now i'm feeling like i've never been anywhere or done anything,
like there is no line of demarcation between the beginning and
the end.
****!
#Post#: 634--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 5, 2014, 3:22 pm
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what am i hiding?
belief in the body. i'm making it the 'hero' of the dream.
#Post#: 636--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 5, 2014, 3:40 pm
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now i'm feeling more like satin in a coffin.
****ing stories.
back to 'what are they appearing in?'
the question has been helpful. thank you.
#Post#: 683--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 6, 2014, 10:19 am
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i imagine working this out has been helpful for me.
i recognize gratitude (the emotion) as a passing observation of
how much 'i' like (and/or am attached) to a particular element
of what 'i' see as a generally 'happy' dream. it comes, it goes,
and when it goes, some other emotion eventually passes through
the vacancy.
i also recognize gratitude (the perhaps-emotion, but pointers
are pointing out otherwise) as an ingredient in the agape pie.
this gratitude doesn't come and go. it's the form of attention i
can engage, ignore, or cover with ****, but it has no effect on
gratitude. it only seems to make a difference to 'me'.
perhaps even closer to the Truth, it's not as external as it
reads above. it's not a form of attention that 'i' can engage,
it's what i am, in essence, it's the Me of me. along with love,
of course (thanks for the reminder, jed).
awe rolls my marble eyes and fills the cave of my mouth.
the body is not the hero, it is a learning device. it can teach
nothing of it's own, but it can be used as a lesson book. again
and again, 'what is it appearing in?'
#Post#: 684--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 6, 2014, 10:30 am
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i felt pretty conflicted last night, like i'd taken something
'special' and thrown it in the fire. i wondered if i should
stop, go back to the householder game, play it to the best of my
ability, then resume this game when it seemed i didn't have so
much on the line, like maybe 15 years from now.
then i remembered 'special' is an arbitrary designation imposed
by what remains of my i-structure, and it's exactly this that
i'm attempting to see through. if i actually am the
all-encompassing, then it doesn't matter what game i'm playing,
or how well i'm playing it; it's all appearances, just like the
seeming difference between 'now' and '15 years later'.
#Post#: 686--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 6, 2014, 10:53 am
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[quote]the body is not the hero, it is a learning device. it can
teach nothing of it's own, but it can be used as a lesson book.
[/quote]
still registering as a belief in the body, but at least it's not
hidden.
what is it appearing in?
#Post#: 692--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 6, 2014, 11:38 am
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Wouldn't tell you if I could. It would spoil the journey to You.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 705--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 6, 2014, 2:22 pm
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love is the way i walk in gratitude.
#Post#: 706--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: mariam Date: September 6, 2014, 3:08 pm
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i also like to use gratitude to crack my own head open. i
'accidently' found the method when i was 14 or 15, and
remembered it the other night as i was lying in bed. i thought,
'i'm grateful for this lamp', then i called up all the thoughts
of what it took to 'make' that lamp. gratitude for electricity
and the minds that applied it, gratitude for glass and iron and
all the other materials from which the lamp is made, and for the
processes that gave rise to the materials, the processes that
refined and shaped them, gratitude for machines, and hands, and
generations, and circumstances suitable for the arising of life
forms. this is a hack-job representation of the thought-stream,
but eventually there was so much unfathomable gratitude that the
lamp and i and everything else disappeared into
. some moments later, 'i' resumed, reached over
and clicked off the lamp and let go into dreamless sleep.
but i wonder, did i call up the thoughts as it seemed i did? it
feels like an intentional exercise when 'i engage it', but
perhaps that's the joke. perhaps the universe is always singing
a silent song of laughter and gratitude, an opus celebrating the
great all-encompassing everynothingness, and 'i'm' just
fortunate enough to tune in sometimes.
this gratitude talk feels nearly tapped out for now. i'm going
to use what's left of the momentum to bake some cookies for all
those fabulous neighbors that donated to our school fundraiser.
done, and done-er, and done-er.
#Post#: 716--------------------------------------------------
Re: mariam
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 7, 2014, 2:07 am
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Dear M:
My take... to much you, much too much... doing, experiencing,
questioning, feeling this thing you label gratitude. It's nice
but not Truth. I think you just want to feel good. I don't care,
but if you are serious you will contemplate 'What are you
holding onto right now?'
It will be what's holding you back. Have a look see. 'Screw you
Jed' is a legitimate response, but it will just hold you back
also.
Love ya, Jed.
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