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#Post#: 42638--------------------------------------------------
Unraveling
By: OWraye336 Date: December 26, 2020, 3:35 pm
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Dear Jed,
I guess I will stop lurking and post. I’ve got this question
nagging at me and I don’t know but it seems like something with
a bit of weight in the game or at least I think it does.
Healthy eating, healthy foods, all of that eat this and that to
keep the body you know, healthy and well. Is any of that true?
I mean, does it actually matter what I eat? If all of this is
made of the same stuff…fluff, smoke, and mirrors? If food,
plants, supplements, and all the other edibles I put in my body
have a birth and death process, as in they are ever-changing
then they are not true, they are just more stuff in the dream.
The health-food world seems to change their ideas and views
along with science on this topic. So the food is a farse
itself, and then the views and ideas around it are too. Health
food world, science! It's like saying, I don't know, like saying
a kid playing a doctor is a doctor and could cut your granny
open and perform heart surgery. I don’t even know if that makes
sense to anyone else, but it does to me. It is all just
garbage. It is all just belief. Does this mean I can simply
eat whatever I want?! The meaning and value of what some
nutritionist, scientist, doctor (especially doctors) or anyone
else has to tell me about my own body is a waste of energy. I
can’t even believe I am saying this stuff and good…one less
belief on the endless endless roll of nonsense to get rid of.
My body feels shaky and nervous. I don’t know what is going on,
ever…its just one weird experience after another and I seem to
be the only one around who sees it too. Some people try to
convince me they know what I am talking about, but partway
through I realize we are not speaking the same language. I
mostly try to just listen and smile and move on. There is no
point in addressing anyone else’s bullshit. I’ve got mountains
of my own. Bugger off fruit flies…this apple is dirty and
tattered, bitten, stepped on, filled with poison and rot and it
is rolling away from you right now. You don’t want any of this,
trust me. But what is going on? I cannot trust anything
anymore. Everything is losing its meaning and yet at the same
time I can cry at the drop of a hat and I don’t know what any of
it is. Nothing I guess, just a thing happening that’s it.
There’s a bit of attachment I see to the labeled “good” moments
and “not so good” moments. Oh, that one is better than that
one. I see that, but I don’t know what there is to do about it?
I just notice for now. “Oh, there I go craving more of that
blissful happy bullshit and dismissing the lowly melancholy
moments.” It is odd though because when I really relax into the
low’s the ones I really want to distract myself from that’s when
I usually I don’t know, embrace the loneliness, it doesn’t seem
like loneliness anymore. I don’t know what it is, but it
doesn’t have that needy desperate vibe that loneliness has. It
is an entirely separate experience.
Not editing what I write and just letting it all come out is
challenging. I get to the bottom of the paragraph and go, “what
the hell did you just say?” And then I want to go back and fix
something or say something different, clarify this or that. But
when I look back there is nothing to change, I mean yes there
is…but it is happening regardless of whether I think so or not
or it is not at all and I am really going insane. Regardless,
who cares?! Yeah, who does care? Probably my ego…haha. Of
course, I can always depend on the ego to rear its head every
few moments, seconds it seems. “Oh hello, there you are again.
Yes, yes I know so and so hurt your feelings, you want things to
be different.” It is all the same stuff. I’ve got three kids
apparently, the two that some past version of this body bag gave
birth to and the invisible loud one that’s been here since the
beginning, whenever that was?! I sense I am losing it. As
“they” say, whoever they are. Who is even talking right now? Is
any of this writing even true? This typing, moving, perceived
writing, and message. Geez, when I see myself talk like that…it
frightens me. But again, WHO is frightened? The mind? The gas
of my brain making these thoughts? My brain, like I own a brain.
What is the brain? Is that a real thing? What about mind? Is
that an entirely made up concept as well?! This is heavy stuff.
Well, unless it is not and I’ve merely built it up to be. But
isn’t it? I could go on and on, but I suppose that is where I am
stumped. Have I merely given weight to things that have no
weight? There is no this thing is heavier than that thing.
There is no matter, so how can one thing be greater than another
when they both don’t exist, to begin with?! I see myself really
resisting posting this even. This is not a spiritual journey,
at all. And no one around me gets that at all. I’ve had all
kinds of new-age spiritual friends try to tell me they have gone
through something like this and they haven’t. They haven’t and
it is so obvious to me every time they open their mouths. At
and the same time, I cannot keep up with their spiritual rituals
and beliefs. Satsang this and well I don’t even know the other
words for the things they are up to. Even when I did yoga
teacher training, I could not remember a damn sanskrit word to
save my life. Four years of strict ashtanga yoga and I can
maybe remember the names of one or two asana’s. The patterns I
think I see, whatever that is worth, not much…are that I have
never really given my all in spirituality like some others I
know. So much commitment. I can honestly say though that I
believed a lot of bullshit along the way, especially being
raised mormon. That is a bag of tricks and hands drawing hands
stuff. And it was always so confusing to me. Wait, so you’re
telling me I’m less than the dust of the earth and greater than
anything….then who are these God and Christ characters that seem
to be greater still? And the prophet, bishop, and even my
ex-husband are greater than I, because well you know…just a
woman. What a load of ****. I mean I could rage on and on
about this prophet character…what the hell is he saying up there
to millions of people? Oh, no worries he is sharing his beliefs
with you, eat them up, swollen them whole. Don’t question.
After leaving that bullshit, I heard through somewhere or
someone that one of the big dogs in the church said, “Doubt your
doubts before you doubt your faith.” That really stands out to
me as a huge red flag. If I were still in the church and I
heard that I would run like hell, burn the **** thing to the
ground. But I had already left a year or so prior along with
everything else, so it merely made me laugh out loud. I feel the
intensity when I write about religion. So much rage for the
lies I was born into. These people that call themselves parents,
guardians, caretakers…they brought me up in all of that
indoctrination. But if it wasn’t that it would have been
something else. It is all the same, bring me up a hippy. You
know I use to dream, well okay, I still do…that I was secretly
adopted and my hippy parents are somewhere and way cooler. So
childish. How could anything be different than it is and that
is all was and even then it is so distorted at this point. I
cannot trust memory or photos. I look at photos and don’t
recognize much. Every now and then something will hit me, some
little movie of time will play in my mind like an old 90’s VHS.
Not so reliable like blu-ray and streaming where you get this
video that seems perhaps a little too close to the “reality”
we’re in. I mean the reality I am in, I don’t know what reality
anyone else is in. Sometimes we very much seem to be in the same
reality and other times I am not sure. When I really open up…it
is too much for others. So I just go along with wherever they
want to take the conversation and I vomit on the inside to
myself. One of these days I fear I might actually throw up on
someone’s shoes while they are telling me their story. More and
more I sound so heartless. But I don’t even know what that
means? Heartless. I guess I associate it with caring and being
compassionate, having empathy. Would someone read this and say
“she is a narcissist? She is a psychopath?” I don’t like that
terminology. I mean I have children for Christ's sake, it is
not like I don’t care about that. Of course, I do, that is kind
of part of what holds me where I am. The kids, they are this
tether to this, well everything. Or at least that is a belief I
have. It’s not just them, it is so many other things too.
Other people I genuinely care about. That I must say I didn’t
even know I cared about until recently. And suddenly I find
myself crying just seeing or thinking of people. As though I’m
going to be dead by morning. To which I am not, well I don’t
think so. So that’s not saying much. But there is a
disconnect…like something **** awful is about to happen and it
is time to say all the goodbyes. And on one hand, I don’t know
that I am actually going anywhere or that anything is happening
and on the other, it seems like something very big is going on.
So now the question is, Am I insane, or are others insane? If
they are merely characters in my dream, how can they be sane? If
anyone ever saw this post outside of this forum they would
commit me though or at least attempt to get me some therapy and
put me on some numbing drugs. What a joke. The therapist that
tried to tell me it might be good for me had me all confused.
He has committed himself to Ekhart Tolle’s, The Power of Now,
calling it his bible. And yet, every time I brought up what was
really going on for me he seemed to get a bit nervous and
distrusting. Like, “I don’t think this thing you’re doing is
helping you. Then how come things are making more sense to me
than they ever have? And by sense, I mean their senselessness?!
I remember telling him one day, I see it now…I see the
choicelessness between my mom and me. It could not have been
anything other than what it was, who is to blame? There is no
one there. He relaxed into that for a moment probably confusing
my realization with compassion or forgiveness. I suppose it
could be labeled one of those things, but to me, it was simply
seeing. I’m not saying I didn’t experience a release with that
and that I am not still working through some of that, but in
general, it is just all what it is. He kept changing his
diagnosis’ too, after months of talking and building some trust
in this, well whatever it was, a relationship of counseling. He
tells me he has a diagnosis for me, but he is not actually going
to diagnose me officially on the records. Oh phew, the big
scary records. I say that with sarcasm. Like I myself have not
been diagnosing me my entire life. The mind diagnosing itself.
That’s cute. Anyway, none of it matters, he changed his opinion
the following week from the first one. How consistent and
reliable. He sent me home with a book to read on this mental
illness. I looked at the title and knew immediately it was not
an identity I was willing to wear. I gave him a sideways glance
and took it home. I skimmed the first portion and closed it. I
think I’ve finally had enough of hearing what other people think
about anything, but especially what they think about me. He
tells me to start watching my mind, this therapist. This he
told me from the beginning and I was getting the same message
from Human Design. So I do and as soon as I start seeing what
is really going on with this incessant creature - the mind…he
tells me I’m not okay. So I fired him. I really don’t handle
authority very well. Not saying I haven’t been taken for a
ride. Who am I kidding I’ve been taking on everyone else’s
rides! Over and over and thought they were my ride too. Enough
already! I can’t take it anymore. This really is so lonely.
And now this is so long and I’m not even really sure what the
question is?!
#Post#: 42639--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: Jed McKenna Date: December 26, 2020, 10:46 pm
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Dear Ocea:
Welcome to the forum, and I trust that Christmas is an enjoyable
time for you. I love it when members share a piece of
themeselves, but I have a bit of a challenge with your post. I
am very busy with Navigator Series student, emails and writing
of future modules. I have put a limit of 200 words on any one
post. Focusing on specifics is helpful to both you and myself.
If you would boil you post down I will read it and respond. I
trust you understand.
Much love and stay healthy,
Jed.
#Post#: 42642--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: OWraye336 Date: December 27, 2020, 1:57 am
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Yes, I completely understand. There was embarrassment
immediately after I hit send.
To boil it down. I see myself swing from caring very little
about things that once meant everything to me, finding myself
disconnected, melancholy, and even angry at times, and then
suddenly crying out of nowhere over things I didn't know I had
any attachment to at all. A few people in my life have worried
saying I sound suicidal and nihilistic. I'm not much comfort
when I respond that I can see why they would see it like that.
Even my own children have started to appear foreign to me, it is
eerie. The mind goes on and on with guilt and shame around it
while simultaneously desiring to run away entirely. But at this
point, I know my mind is insane, so I mostly watch it curiously
and take the bate here and there like a trained fool.
The question is, what if I don't feel anything for anyone or
anything again?
Thanks
#Post#: 42644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: Jed McKenna Date: December 27, 2020, 7:58 am
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Hi there:
Yup, who hasn't pushed 'send' and thought, 'Oh Crap!' Not a
problem.
Good question, let me pose some questions back to you.
What are you feelings? That might sound a little silly or
obvious, but I don't think it is. What are your feelings
comprised of? Another one, what makes a feeling good or bad? Do
you think that if you lost all your feelings then you would be
some kind of bad person? Have you ever felt that other folks are
trying to get you to feel like they feel and not respecting how
you feel? Do you think others have a monopoly on the 'right'
feelings, and you don't? I suggest that explore feelings a
little more and not just beat yourself up about it. There is
much to be learned and going sane in a perfectly insane society
has some real challenges.
Much love and stay healthy,
Jed.
#Post#: 42654--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: OWraye336 Date: December 29, 2020, 6:29 pm
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Thank you for these questions. Wasn't obvious to me.
They appear to arise from attachment to stories going on in my
mind for the most part. Others from the body to which mind
seems to create a story, reason, or meaning around those body
sensations. Like a game of ping pong, between mind and body.
What makes it ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is the mind's interpretation and
judgment of it. There is no one to judge me being a bad person
for feelings or lack thereof and yet I noticed that question
stung a little. Yes, I have felt the pressure from others to
feel a certain way, What I feel must be equally valid as anyone
else's. How could it not be, if it is what is presently
happening? In the end, all emotions are made up anyway, so does
any of it matter?! Attaching to them versus observing them, one
is not better than the other but they do reap different results
as far as I can tell.
#Post#: 42659--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: Jed McKenna Date: December 31, 2020, 12:30 am
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Let's take is just a little further. You said, ''What I feel
must be equally valid as anyone else's'' and I would agree.
Folks think their feelings are immensely important, also very
personal. I have feelings and I would guess a little less than
other folks but that is something I could never really know,
BUT, I am pretty darn sure I take those feels to be something
very different than most folks. You see, I don't perceive any
feeling as being valid in any way. They are like clouds passing
in the sky. For me, in order for a feeling to be 'valid' it
would have to be real, and for it to be real it would have to be
lasting, like really lasting. I find feelings are very
impermanent. Nothing wrong with them, just not to be taken too
seriously.
Much love, Jed.
P.S. Sorry if I offended your feeling about feelings, but that
will pass too.
#Post#: 42680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: OWraye336 Date: January 5, 2021, 10:00 am
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Laughing at the P.S.
In theory, the monk on the hill watching feelings and emotions
float by is the only thing that makes sense. And then there is
the paradigm I find myself in where these flimsy emotions seem
to propel my process forward. Or so I have convinced myself.
And then I ask 'who' is being propelled forward? Is there
something else moving even pushing this process I find myself
in? I’ve given weight to something quite flimsy, delusional
even! All the years I’ve spent trying to understand, heal, and
even dive deeper into these perceived emotions, and for what?
There must be something else leading me along. The little
bastard, maybe?! I'd like to take a samurai sword to the whole
thing and be done with it.
#Post#: 42686--------------------------------------------------
Re: Unraveling
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 7, 2021, 11:59 pm
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Happy slicing and dicing.
Love ya, Jed.
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