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#Post#: 42550--------------------------------------------------
Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 21, 2020, 11:58 pm
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Hello again. It's been a long time (and yet no time at all).
I'm dying. Or at least God/Death tore my ego to shreds in order
to live in my heart. All my hopes and dreams, past AND future.
Mostly destroyed. (Painfully?) Shedded away. "I" don't have much
time left. I got the sense that these layers of ego were the one
thing protecting me from death itself which used to be "out
there", projected far into the future at age 90+; not now, at
age 24. The more that was torn away from me, the colder I
became, the more I thrashed about for my family and loved ones.
As I see it, ego has suffered a mortal wound, and doesn't have
long to live. All my attention to future goals and the past is
returned to the present moment with this death feeling within my
heart. I wish it would just end. There was no way I could make
this happen to myself. No way to want it either. But I can only
surrender and observe the process as it unfolds. I wanted
freedom more than anything in the world and "I" won't even get
to enjoy it.
This was triggered last night by drinking and smoking weed. It's
never had this effect on me before and I don't do it often. But
this was something else. Terrifying. And ALL I could do was let
it happen.
I just needed to put this out there to someone who "knows". I
don't want to die, but I know I will. Biologically or egoically,
no difference. I'm a ghost and soon will be less than that.
Can't control it. I would just like someone to hold my hand as I
go.
Thanks.
#Post#: 42551--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: Jed McKenna Date: November 22, 2020, 2:11 am
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Consider it held my friend,
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 42552--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 22, 2020, 7:12 am
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Thank you.
A couple weeks ago I had a similar experience with "God". But it
was much more light and joyful. One in which I understood that I
was observing and that "God" was everything and that he loved
everything he created good or bad. I could "hear" an eternal
laughter in the background. As he told me all these things. I
could look at books I had read on spirituality and instantly
tell what was BS, true, or approximate. I felt like I was just
me playing with myself.
But now is different. I feel incredibly alone (even with my
friends) and will die alone. There is no escaping this now
moment. Ego is desperately trying to cobble back together it's
core of identity. Its sense of security. Death edges it out
repeatedly. I feel like mourning, but no tears will come out.
The best I can do is journal it out and write to you for now. It
wants a guarantee that everything will be fine on the "other
side" before I go, but when I do, it won't matter. How did you
best make peace with your own death?
#Post#: 42556--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: Jed McKenna Date: November 23, 2020, 3:37 am
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You don't. Making peace with anything. That is just a mind-based
rationalization. It doesn't matter if you accept it or don't.
It's coming sooner than you think and it is nothing like what
you might imaging. Only the body dies. It is very temporary, the
real you was never born. Always was and always will be. The main
thing that keeps you in this dream, and in fear, is your mind
wants continuity of it thoughts, memories and learnings. Let go
of those and you won't care if you die or not.... because the
fake you will have been realized to have never existed, ab
intio.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 42557--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 23, 2020, 5:49 am
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Damn.
I was hoping for more hope than that. Every morning I wake up
with death pangs in my heart. The day is spent paying attention
to it until I feel pretty good about dying. Differing emotions
rise throughout the day and the realization that I cannot find
salvation in the next Youtube video, a friend, a family member,
a book, etc. is both terrifying and hilarious, sometimes.
I wish I had just stayed in Human Adulthood at least then I
could feel like I was someone on the path to becoming something
better!
Don't mind me, just lamenting.
The only thing I can think to do with my remaining strength as a
separate ego is to LOVE the fact of my death (and the death of
my world) unconditionally.
#Post#: 42558--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: Jed McKenna Date: November 23, 2020, 6:04 pm
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Might as well follow the wisdom of your last sentence. You will
anyways, someday.
Much love, Jed.
#Post#: 42559--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 23, 2020, 9:38 pm
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Held a knife to my throat. The one I intended to use for
self-defense. To keep death away. But with the blade against my
throat I felt a strange sense of relief that I couldn't conjure
up with my own thoughts. If it ever gets too bad I could always
just end it NOW. So easy. Not that I'm seriously considering it,
but what's the difference?! The death pangs are like birthing
pains. I'm kicking at my own stomach to be reborn.
Other than that, I've cursed God today, ignored friends, cried a
little, and now before bed I've circled back to a loving state,
or what ever this relief feels like. I just wish this wouldn't
derail my life, my semester is just ending I have a project to
deliver and yet, there is no motivation to do it at all
whatsoever. Might just enjoy myself a little. I dunno.
Thanks.
#Post#: 42560--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 24, 2020, 1:58 pm
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It's all just one big freakin' mind game, ain't it?!
Earlier today, I was gripped by mortal fear, but through
awareness, it's been dissipated. Awareness (i.e. ME. The
changeless) was aware of the death pangs, the fear, and is now
aware of this calmer state, but it's just been in the background
like the sky, watching "me" suffer. The pr!ck. None of those
states lasted, so were they me?! They're gone now. Like the
passing of a cloud. But I didn't go with them. Now awareness
(which, I am) has moved one inch from the mind and can see it
better now. Kinda like zooming out from a skin fold that looks
like a butt, only to see that it's actually someone's folded
elbow. Womp womp.
Mind is also giving out death threats! To who?! Hahaha.
I trust more implications will arise as the space increases.
#Post#: 42567--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: Jed McKenna Date: November 28, 2020, 8:48 am
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Ohhh.... picturesque.
Enjoy the folds... maybe that's all we are and it always and
only been about perspective and point of view. Anything can look
like anything given the right perspective. Something profound
there, but it's late and I am going to hit the sack.
Profundities will come to me early in the morning. Nite.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 42569--------------------------------------------------
Re: Coming to an End
By: No-Man Date: November 28, 2020, 8:51 pm
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There was a great fear in me all day. But what is the feeling I
call "fear"? Who calls it that? Is it no different from
so-called joy? So-called death?
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