DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
INVISIBLE GURU FORUM
HTML https://jedmckenna.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Member Posts
*****************************************************
#Post#: 4685--------------------------------------------------
Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 14, 2014, 11:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
In our recent email you guess that I'm wandering in a desert,
which I think is an apt analogy. It's been like this for a long
time. I'm scared it won't work itself out on its own, that this
is a permanent state unless some catalyst is introduced.
"Surrender" is what they say to do, but to me that feels kind of
like resignation to melancholy.
Love,
Wes
#Post#: 4690--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 15, 2014, 1:01 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Wes:
Just a Forum Rule thing. Only one thread, and then you keep
everything on that one thread. It's much easier for me.
Have you tried surrender to what is? I mean really tried it? No,
wait, I don't mean 'tried' it, I mean DONE it!
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 4722--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 15, 2014, 12:36 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I think I've surrendered absolutely... for about a day or so. I
wake up and say, "ok, nothing planned today, just surrendering
to what is." Predictably I sit on the couch all day, and by the
end of the day, I feel a pretty strong anxiety.
Surrender to that anxiety.
I do, then it turns into despair. I remind myself that this all
ends in death anyway, suicide is always on the table. I twitch
around in my bed a little as that gaping feeling in me grows,
then fall asleep.
#Post#: 4737--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 15, 2014, 9:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You say in Incorrect this kind of despair can be a positive
thing for the human journey. It's kind of tough to pull off
around people, it makes them uncomfortable. Which is not ideal
when I depend on human interaction for making rent. So then I
find myself sort of resisting that hollow sinking feeling, to
put on a front.
#Post#: 4738--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 15, 2014, 10:00 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Relax Wes, everyone is putting up a front.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 4932--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 20, 2014, 6:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Enjoyed a little mystical union today. Thought, "ah, this is
really what is, this must be what T/R is like." Then was riding
on my motorcycle. Egoic thoughts regarding badassery and
leather jackets and women admirers emerged (it was awful). I
was disgusted and resisted the thoughts at first, remembered to
let go, then I started sarcastically exaggerating the thoughts
even further (spiritual judo?)
Then I suddenly felt that horror of no-self. I was watching ego
writhe in fear, trying to assert its existence. I would
identify and dis-identify with it every couple of seconds. I
felt that same terror I've felt on several nights from the past
couple years. I decided to let go into it. Death happens
anyway, might as well let this kill me first.
Well I didn't manage to cut my head off. The fear is mostly
gone now, but I know I haven't fully dealt with Truth, it will
be back. I don't know whether to try to bait it out with S/A or
continue to surrender and just follow my fancy. I'd like this
to be quick and painless as possible.
I saw that you are soon to be posting an alternative to S/A.
I'm very interested in that, as I haven't been able to initiate
much with the writing.
Love,
Wes
#Post#: 4956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 21, 2014, 1:52 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Also, I wonder if sitting around and doing nothing is more
conducive to progress than sitting around and playing video
games/reading a book?
#Post#: 5331--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 27, 2014, 8:57 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I read Bukowski because he was mentioned in Warfare. Fun read,
good stream of consciousness, deplorable antics. I wondered,
shit, is this what H/A looks like? Ok so he seems to be an
individual, doesn't appear to be aiming to please anyone else.
But he is dependent on alcohol and beats women in his rages.
Shit, he can't exist in the condition which I have staked my
life upon seeking.
But you say a dickhead pre-T/R will be a dickhead post T/R.
No... Bukowski kicked a woman off the couch like an angry child,
this cannot be a higher being. But, he is vital, alive. Most
people are dead.
I want to be alive, and also not be a fucking idiot. I think
I'm succeeding more and more at the latter. I'm like a rock.
Truthful and boring as shit.
Maybe not entirely truthful.
Love,
Wes
#Post#: 5344--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Chief
Date: November 28, 2014, 1:37 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Oh hell, I'm just killing time until more word about the
Navigator series comes out. Funny how I can be in the grips of
despair one moment and lazily bored the next, feeling sheepish
for whatever I've written just previously.
#Post#: 5347--------------------------------------------------
Re: Wes Again
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 28, 2014, 1:46 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Never feel sheepish about sharing what's going on for you. It
takes guts and people secretly admire it. Especially all those
badass motorhead chicks. Just shed a tear in front of one and
see. But, don't let me manipulate you like that.
Love ya, Jed.
*****************************************************
Page 1 of 15
DIR Next Page