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#Post#: 42415--------------------------------------------------
Gratitude
By: Kita Date: September 25, 2020, 5:05 pm
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It seems that the most important part of my so-called "Project"
has come to an end - exhausted my life, spreading most of it on
the shelves. The result was not at all what expected: it turned
out that 100% of my awesomely rich inner world is nothing more
than a kind of inertia move, it is layers of compensation
compensation after compensation, a onion layers. Including all
my motivation to start this "Project".
As the layers were cut, I began to rapidly lose energy. And
instead of enjoying what I had done, I turned more and more into
a vegetable. And when got to the very center, it turned out that
I was not there at all. Essay was written about what really is
there. After the last point, instead of pride, I had some kind
of panic convulsions. The plans were to write another essay
about my life from the third person. But when I tried to start,
I feel sick, my whole long unhappy life, full of heroic struggle
and great achievements, appeared to me as a terribly bored
story, no longer worthy of it, to continue pay attention.
Kept waiting for the darkness and weariness to fade, just as
sleepiness fade. But for now, all I feel is constant
dissatisfaction.
I had absolutely no idea what I had signed up for. Here, at this
point, all life experience, all ideas and desires, are discarded
as a complete narrative, to which there is no point in referring
anymore, and all knowledge turns into a dry archive of
information. Is this death? Is this a cruel joke?
I see my I. My emotions, thoughts, opinions and words. But they
are not mine anymore.
What about wisdom? How to act, move? How can you be happy about
something? How to love? How can you find anything good here at
all? It all looks completely wrong.
Sorry for bad english. Sorry for everything.
#Post#: 42419--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 26, 2020, 12:01 am
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Hi there Kita:
Wellcome to the forum and thank you for your post. Don't worry
about not being a native English speaker. I have much
admiration for your efforts because English is insanely
difficult. So, don't let that stop you, post here anytime.
Regarding your experiences... yes, you have done much undoing,
much peeling on the onion and I commend you. It's not easy.
And now, if I may paraphrase your post, you are in a vacuum and
that vacuum is going to feel rather bland and ordinary. That is
a perfect indicator that you are doing the right things and on
track for T/R. At times it might seem almost a dissappointment,
but that is a reaction of your mind. It has a habit of loading
up your world with all kinds of meanings, emotions, coulds,
shoulds, wouldn't, etc. These things are not bad in and of
themselves, but they color your world with the illusion that it
is interesting. Mind provides a filter to keep you interesting
in things that either don't matter at all, or matter only very,
very little... keeps you majoring in minors. Relax, you will
settle into it and what is really your reality will emerge as
was intended.
Do you have my FBB tape (full body breathing tape). It will
prove helpful. If now, please write me at
cambodianashram@gmail.com. I will send it.
Take care and stay healthy.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 42420--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Kita Date: September 26, 2020, 4:45 pm
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Hello dear Jed!
Can’t call it a vacuum because it is too painful. I'd like to
get it over with sooner, but there is no relief there, that
opens to the inner eye. I see the endless agony and total
failure of my life. I can’t turn back, I don’t see where else
here you can go forward either.
Everything is as you wrote. A person cannot consciously make a
choice to destroy his personality and life. After all, the very
act of choice inevitably should be destroyed.
Irresistible forces compel from the very beginning and lead
further and further, without creating any other choice.
It seems like I need to move on farther, despite of common
sense, despite of feelings and thoughts. Thank you. Will send a
letter for your technique.
#Post#: 42423--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 27, 2020, 12:14 am
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Everything in the dream has a beginning and an end. What the
dream arises in had no beginning and thus no end. Humans spend
much of their livese trying to mimick that continuity...
striving for something that lasts within a dream that doesn't
last, but arose within the only thing that lasts. Huge energy
goes into that useless stuggle. Not bad, just the way think
appear to be.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 42428--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Kita Date: September 27, 2020, 7:02 am
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Just the way it is.
Hope to fall into vacuum soon. Then, just do ordinary things
like walking here and there, jogging, praxis. And wait and see
what happens.
Thanks for FBB tape, it's fun. Will write if anything.
#Post#: 42429--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 28, 2020, 2:17 am
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Enjoy your ride...
Talk soon,
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 42473--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Kita Date: October 14, 2020, 7:10 pm
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This world is one big lie. How is this possible? How could
anyone believe in so much nonsense?
Still, illusion or not, there is so much suffering, misery and
grief in it that it breaks my heart. What is world, what is man?
Why does everything here have to be such an endless nightmare?
There is absolutely nothing I can do?
My human life is a complete failure. Like most children lived in
paradise, but this paradise was a fake. Then, met so many
different people, good, unhappy or crazy, but I was never able
to help any of them, or become close with them. Never found what
really wanted. In fact, at the bottom of my heart there was
always only sorrow. I fought against her and/or ran, reeling
layer after layer. And look what happened to me. I'm a failure.
I no longer want to fight or run, believe, watch, feel love or
pity for someone, and think that something is important. Don’t
want to be sad or suffer either. All I want is to calm down,
surrender, drown in sorrow, and just die.
#Post#: 42474--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Jed McKenna Date: October 15, 2020, 12:11 am
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Dear Drowning-in-sorrow-gal:
Well... I know what you are saying, and nobody wants to listen
to you or change is totally true. Let me ask you a questions,
how many people have you really listened to and how much have
you changed? Do you listen to me? No wait, why would anyone
listen to me? Wouldn't it make more sense to listen to yourself?
Isn't that that the only real source that you can access, and
perhaps trust? At least more than some guy on the internet whom
you have never met.
You have every answer you will ever need... but only if you are
listening... BTW, do you have my full body breathing tape? Even
though it's just from some guy on the internet, I think you
would enjoy it. Let me know... at cambodianashram@gmail.com.
Love ya and take care,
Some guy on the internet.
#Post#: 42476--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Kita Date: October 15, 2020, 6:24 am
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It looks like I was not heard. Because I whined something like
emo from 2007?
But, dear Jed, all I did was try to listen to myself, as you
say, and all I found there was sorrow. Don't know, maybe my true
self has allergy to life, and it's all. And maybe I generally
think about the world and people only because I project my
sorrow on them, not knowing other possible reasons for it.
Because reasons simply do not exist, or the only reason is the
process of existence itself.
I breathe. Walk, doing things. And try not to interfere with the
natural course of things.
Thank you and stay cool.
#Post#: 42477--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gratitude
By: Jed McKenna Date: October 15, 2020, 10:13 am
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Are you doing battle with sorrow? If so, you might want to piss
it off and start revelling it. If you are going to have it, why
not have a little fun with it.
Love ya, Jed
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