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#Post#: 39512--------------------------------------------------
Where Am I Now?
By: hunter Date: October 18, 2019, 4:31 am
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Hey Jed,
I'm 22. How can I know whether I'm having a very dramatic
rebirth into Human Adulthood or a legitimate waking up
experience?
I left uni with severe depression in Jan 2018. Read Sam Harris'
book 'Waking Up' and started meditating. Realised 'there is
nothing' and started noticing deep, terrifying insincerity
wherever I looked. A search for truth has been hampered by
pretty much every pitfall imaginable, and I have spent a lot of
time in bed, in my parents' house, overwhelmed by fear.
Everything I try to grasp disappears like smoke between my
fingers... apart from food, which I am still accustomed to using
as a distraction device by eating it in inordinate quantities
and making myself sick.
Even before reading your books, I was becoming aware of an
absence of self - 'Me? What is this 'me' people keep referring
to? There are just thoughts and feelings but no knowing centre,
just cacophonous confusion.' Tat Tvam Asi seems pretty obvious
to me.
I have tried doing spiritual autolysis but can't think of a
belief that is worthy of investigating since to me every
belief-statement draws up a great big blank. My mind is quite
foggy, but it has been clearer at other points over the past few
years.
This sounds pretty much like T/R, I know, but I have low
self-esteem and I can't bring myself to make the claim. Even
then, if it was legitimate, then there wouldn't be an I to claim
it... perhaps I'm just not quite done yet.
Presently experiencing lots and lots of fear. I'm in India and
trying to get my shit together to go travelling around but I
have brought too much stuff and can't bring myself to let go of
it - this expensive laptop, professional-quality mixing
headphones etc. It has been indicated to me that I should
literally just smash the computer on some rocks, but there is
still so much fear and resistance, so I haven't done it.
It feels like I'm trying to grow up but truth is more powerful
and I'm on the verge of becoming Awake and A Child which seems
like a terrible combination and I'm concerned for my welfare.
Any advice/confirmation/encouragement you can provide would be
hugely appreciated since by this point I'm terribly burnt out.
Lots of love,
Hunter
#Post#: 39513--------------------------------------------------
Re: Where Am I Now?
By: Jed McKenna Date: October 18, 2019, 8:30 am
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Hi Hunter:
Thanks for sharing that. I have a question about your cultural
background as it does play a roll. Are you East Indian and
staying with parents in India, or have you travelled there from
somewhere else?
Now, I am going to use you a little... as an example, and please
forgive me for the moment. You have, most probably, experienced
some kind of awakening, but it has yet to go all the way,
and... perhaps the important point is, you were unprepared. At
your age most folks sense they are ''getting it together'',
getting educated, a job and perhaps starting a family. Of course
they are not getting it together really as is evidenced by the
reality that it all ''falls apart'' later, but all good in its
time and place, but it can be a real difficult time for the
nickel to fall in the slot of Truth Realization... or what is
often called ''enlightenment''. I preach, with a serious tone,
that one should become an adult first and that, in my
experience, always requires work.
Well, enough ranting, but I can't seem to stop. I have never
said this in the past, mostly because it is a topic that is
abused and one that I have a strong tendency to push back on,
but sometimes... just sometimes, one really does need a guru..
there, I said it. ::) ::) ::)
Trying to complete a journey in territory that you don't know
anything about is challenging at best. Someone who has travelled
the road can be very helpful.... AS LONG AS YOU DON'T
NEUROTICALLY DEVOTE YOUSELF TO SAID TEACHER. That is not good
for either party.
Please write me at cambodianashram@gmail.com and we can speak
further with more privacy.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 39514--------------------------------------------------
Re: Where Am I Now?
By: hunter Date: October 18, 2019, 8:35 am
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Ok cool, I shall email now. I'm from London, by the way.
#Post#: 39515--------------------------------------------------
Re: Where Am I Now?
By: Jed McKenna Date: October 18, 2019, 9:43 am
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Cheers, talk later.
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