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#Post#: 39322--------------------------------------------------
Student Progresses.....
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 19, 2019, 7:18 am
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Another report: This had been written as short notes over the
last couple of weeks, I don't bother with editing it. Hope it
doesn't bore you too much:
I have to pretend to be able to "go anywhere".
The moment I try to prove my self there is suffering.
Interesting... Even when I feel like **** I don't really feel
like ****. I'm actually enjoying it. I secretly want it.
Even loneliness is an effect if "others". Aloneness is real, but
not lonely.
When in my s/p i don't feel the need to avoid anything. Why
would the screen avoid a perticular projection. Only as an
object do I feel any need.
The mind body conspiracy is falling apart. It's hilarious. It's
so funny every time I see through my game.
I have these great moments of lucidity where everything seems
clear and like nothing could ever bother me again. Then an hour
later I drop right back into feelings of
unworthyness/wrongness/incapable which at points I see that I
actually want/enjoy. But I know now that there is something much
different beyond emotion...
It's like I'm trying to be very sad, but it doesn't work.
It's like the painful parts are getting more painful and the
wonderful parts are getting more wonderful. Like it's so
painful/depressing sometimes that suicide comes to my mind as a
possibility (there's pretty much no danger of me actually doing
it though), is just on my mind as a possibility, which I
actually kinda like cause I don't need to be afraid that it gets
to much cause there's always a way out if that would happen.
That way I can go straight into whatever comes up, no avoiding
anything.
Now I'm really starting to open up to me. Or its more like life
is starting to open me up to life. it feels like I'm a sprouting
seed. Like the new is exploding from the inside throughout the
old aside. I'm dancing and laughing and singing. I'm actually
starting to feel authentically whole and complete. Not just as a
positive emotional state.
It's so **** beautiful! Sound! Light! Me! Breathing! Experience!
The gratitude!
I'm not done! Let life evolve naturally. .
Everything is experience. All experience is exactly what it
seems; everything is real and nothing is true.
What I called my problems (caused by importances) now come and
go like lightning strikes. Boom! And it's gone. There's no point
fighting the lightning strikes.
I'm starting to see that not even the worst possible experience
is wrong (or true). It's like a game of dare: how much pain and
pleasure do you dare to experience. It seems like when I don't
identify with anything I can dare much more without the fear of
anything, cause it's all the same (all the horror and beauty),
and cause it doesn't exist (only I do).
How is it possible that I continue to fool myself?! Amazing. I
have repeating moments of remembering and forgetting (clarity
and unclarity). I forget less and remember more every time, it
seems.
Importances make me struggle in the direction of the importance.
(Perceive what goes against it as wrong, trying to fix or uphold
something to live up to the importance)
Everything I do as "me" is for attention. Me is for attention.
It is myself in others eyes.
I want to lose everything and start from square one.
I only get emotional (positive or negative) when something is
perceived as real (has importance attached). Even the truth-ish
experiences, when perceived as true generate all kinds of
positive emotion and states of consciousness. But when it's seen
as just another experience (nothing) the emotion pops like a
bobble.
There's definitely more deconstruction to do. I will do that.
When I really take a good look at something it disappears. It
was never there. So I just have to take a good look at
everything that's left standing as itself, I guess, and it seems
everything will turn out to be nothing at all. We'll see about
that...
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