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#Post#: 39278--------------------------------------------------
Looking for company in a void
By: cynical_boddhisattva Date: September 14, 2019, 2:50 pm
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I just read rules and regulations on the forum, and realized
that my last post violated a couple rules (linking to my blog,
pasting a text I had sent to someone else). My bad. Please
don't kick me off. In any case, after reading the trilogy, I
wasn't sure whether I'd ever want to make contact with "the real
Jed", whatever that means. I hold the Jed from the books dear
to my heart, and didn't want to destroy my mental construct.
Maybe I need to. I find myself in a space where it's just me,
although I know that can't be true. I can't be special in this.
There's this Jed person, after all. He seems sane, at least in
a manner I can now understand. I guess I'm trying to find a
place where I can express all this stuff that's coming through
my brain to someone who knows what I'm talking about. The only
person I have been able to share any of this with is my wife,
and she doesn't always get what I'm talking about either (she's
read your books, too). The "spiritual" people don't know what
I'm talking about, amateur philosophers don't know what I'm
talking about, 12 step people don't know what I'm talking about.
But Jed does, and it appears there are many others on this
forum who do. I'm glad, but oddly enough, I'm not sure that
matters. I'm nuts in a very lucid way now, and I guess I'm just
looking for playmates to bounce my musings off of. And Jed, for
what it's worth, thank you, thank you, thank you.
#Post#: 39282--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 15, 2019, 12:25 am
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Dear CD:
Excellent my man, now we can talk.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 39283--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: cynical_boddhisattva Date: September 15, 2019, 1:09 am
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Thanks for the reply, Jed. Really, your books spared me what
could have been decades of self-annihilation. It was the only
key that ACTUALLY led to liberation, although I used hundreds of
other resources in my process. I just can't thank you enough,
although thanking you seems kinda silly at this point (you know
what I mean). It took me a while to get used to the "in the
world but not of it" thing -- probably the better part of the
last decade. It was marked by addictions, suicide attempts, and
life-threatening eating disorders...as well as New Age dabbling,
church, rehab, and 12-stepping. It was all great, because it
was exactly what I needed, when I needed it. It's not heavy
anymore. None of it is. I just don't fit in anymore, and I
think I'm ok with that. Remnants of my egoic shell will
occasionally pop up and tell me that I'm deluding myself, but I
know I'm not. I really do feel like the sane one in an insane
asylum, and it's very, very bizarre. At the same time, I have
no interest in saving the world, helping people, being a good
person, or connecting with anyone. I usually end up acting in a
kind and practical matter because it seems indicated, but not
out of the kindness of my heart or whatever. I just kind of do
stuff now, and it's usually obvious what I need to do. I don't
have to think about my decisions. If I told that to someone
else, they would call it self-delusion and a cop-out for not
assuming the heavy burdens of life, but I know I'm not mistaken.
It's harder and harder to explain myself to anybody or have any
interest in herd-level conversation or activity, not that I
think there's anything wrong with the herd. I'm just not
interested, but I feel love for the herd nonetheless. At the
same time, looking for other so-called "spiritual aspirants" in
some kind of utopian spiritual community sounds intolerable and
makes me want to throw up in my mouth a little. I don't have
interest in finding a sangha, because I don't feel like I need
or want anything of that sort. Sometimes I wonder if my
aversion to the whole concept of a spiritual community is a form
of spiritual elitism ("I'm not one of those spiritual sheep; I'm
the enlightened guy.") where I am wanting to feel too special to
hang out with "sheep". However, I generally like people a lot
better now, and am a nicer person in most situations. I'll be
damned if I end up camping out in this place called
"truth-realization", thinking I've risen above the human race,
although, in a way, I know I have. I guess "further" is always
the key, so I keep looking for the next door. In my
understanding, there's always going to be another door, because
that's the game. I can dig that.
#Post#: 39286--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 15, 2019, 5:06 am
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Thank you for your post. I counted just short of 40 ''I''s. This
is too many according to my ''I, me, my and mine'' meter. I
sense that you talk way too much. Now, none of that means a
tinker's damn... but you need to reel it in. No one is
interested in you or what you have to say. Every communication
out there is from a lost soul and either an expression of love
or a cry for attention. You are crying, certainly much less that
in the past, but it's still crying. Regarding the expression of
love, suck it up. You have yet to learn what it is. It's a
little like humility, you lose it the minute you think you have
it. No you to have anything at all.
Now, if you like what I say, then I have failed you. If you are
irritated then we might be moving forward. Remember, 200 word
limit.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 39289--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: cynical_boddhisattva Date: September 15, 2019, 6:39 am
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Yeah, that did hurt a little. Ok Jed, I’ll bite. Talk soon.
#Post#: 39293--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 15, 2019, 11:39 am
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I wish you the best, despite my barb-wire words.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 39296--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: cynical_boddhisattva Date: September 15, 2019, 1:19 pm
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It killed my momentum, like a slap. I can’t formulate a
question at the moment. Open to suggestions. Not quite sure
what I’m looking for. Validation, probably. Yuck.
#Post#: 39298--------------------------------------------------
Re: Looking for company in a void
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 15, 2019, 11:59 pm
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Thank you for your post, and it smacks of growth, learning,
whatever one might call it. You have learned much in your past
spectrum of experiences and that contributes to wisdom, IMNVHO,
(in my never very humble opinion).
I don't recall if you have my full body breathing tape. Write me
at cambodianashram@gmail and I'll send it. l also will send a
favorite qi gong vid, something I happen to enjoy.
You don't really need a question to post here. You don't have to
sound particularly enlightened or erudite. You still have a body
and are in the human dream... and it has its light and dark
moments. All I ask is that you focus on you and perhaps share a
little of your experience.
Welcome aboard.
Love ya, Jed.
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