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#Post#: 39270--------------------------------------------------
Extended student email and response
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 14, 2019, 12:29 am
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First email:
Hi Jed
Observations on the mind with KKC4. Thoughts arrive out of thin
air/space and disappear into it. The big I Am is always present
but when a thought appears, the little I am, as in ‘I am
thinking’, comes into existence.
Thoughts seems really random, although sometimes there is a
rhythm. It’s like the mind is just playing like a child plays or
a dog barks. Thinking is just what a mind does.
I have no control over the mind but I have control over the
attention. Attention on the thoughts quietens them. So what is
going on in normal circumstance when I am not doing the
contemplation? Am I not giving my mind attention when I am
immersed in a stream of thoughts? Is it unconscious attention
versus conscious attention when I am being curious as to what is
going on?
I know I am not supposed to focus on the content of the thoughts
but they really are shocking. According to the thoughts I am
irritable, impatient, judgemental, critical, heartless, nasty,
selfish, mean, superior etc etc.
It’s horrific. Who do these thoughts belong to? I don’t see
myself that way. In fact I would describe myself as not quite
the opposite but generally a good person.
So why the disparity? Is this why I feel like such a fraud all
the time because I am putting on a mask projecting a self which
is so far removed from the inner dialogue in my head?
If I don’t recognise the train wreck of a personality which the
thoughts convey, when why to do I identify with the thoughts in
my head as belonging to me? When did that begin? If my mind is
not me, then who does it belong to and Who Am I ?
I know I have heard this hundreds of time but there seems to be
a deeper understanding of the meaning that you are not the mind.
I mean, how can that be me? What’s it like in other peoples’
heads. If others are half as bad as my mind, how does the human
race even stay sane. How do people live with this constant
horrific voice going on all day?
So is the self I project to the world purely as a result of the
struggle to not be like the thoughts in the head? It feels like
a never-ending struggle. I am tired of it.
I want the mind to shut up. I know it won’t. I want it to think
differently. I know it won’t. I want Jeanette to be different. I
know she won’t ever be. I’ve tried so hard to make her a better
person and all that effort has got me is to have a mind full of
hate.
There must be some great cosmic joke here about the heart and
the heart path. Is my heart open? It feels like a rock. Are all
those blissed out spiritual bunnies truly feeling love and light
or are they suppressing the hate. I even hate myself and I don’t
know who is the I that is hating the other self.
It’s confusing and frustrating. I’d feel sick right now if I
wasn’t so hungry. I feel completely separate to the rest of the
world. Unity….it’s all one. Forget it. That’s certainly not my
experience.
Where do I go now? Can’t change things. Can’t believe it is me
anymore. Can’t see a way out. Hate where I am at. Yet there’s no
surrender. Just still more resistance. The struggle still goes
on.
Which brings me to another contemplation. What do I need to
happen for T/R to happen. Surrender. That’s another one to add
to the list of Ts & Cs before I can sign up to the T/R thing
according to the thoughts in my mind.
In the AA Big Book they talk about alcohol being cunning,
baffling, powerful. That’s Maya! Every which way I turn to try
to get out of the illusion, she’s there with another cunning
trick to bury me deeper in it. Ever decreasing circles. Where’s
it is leading?
Update - just been re-reading Spiritual Incorrect Enlightenment.
So I am reading about Ahab and Moby dick and I am visiting my
Mum in the nursing home. She has a large painting on her wall
which she has had since I was a child. It’s called the Rising
Wind by Montague Dawson and it is an old fashioned ship battling
against huge waves in a storm. I found myself staring at the
painting, seeing something that I hadn’t seen before. All this
talk of Ahab had me wondering if that huge wave which looks like
it is going to engulf the ship, was the thing that I had to
face. I then wondered if the reason why my Mum has the picture
and it is one of the very few possessions she has held onto, was
so that I could look at it, in this moment but maybe that is
just spiritual woo woo talk.
So on the return train journey I pick up the book again and read
“All attachments to the dreamstate are made of energy. That
energy is called emotion. All emotions, positive and negative
are attachments. Humans are emotion-based features and all
emotions derive their energy from one core emotion; fear. Fear
cannot be confronted or slain because it is fear of nothing, of
no-self. The desire to slay fear is itself a fear-based emotion.
Fear can only be surrendered to; the thing feared, entered. You
can spend your life hacking away at a million-headed hydra of
attachment and never make any progress or you can follow
emotional energy back to its source, its lair and see Leviathan,
enemy of light for what it really is.
Your heart.
That’s what Arjuna saw. That’s why Arjuna fell.”
And then I read it again and again. I had to look up Leviathan.
Sea monster and I am thinking of my mum’s painting. The big
waves, the sea monster, the impending doom, the ever decreasing
circles and the feeling of no way out. There’s only one way to
go and that is head on into that wave which threatens to engulf
it all. That’s what Ahab did with Moby dick.
I know I am fighting a losing battle with all my attachments.
But if they all stem from one source - fear of no self - then I
only have one thing here to tackle. It may not be easy but at
least it is simple. I have to go head first into the place where
I don’t want to go. More spiritual woo woo stuff here but my
daily quote on my phone app from Nisargadatta said something
similar about the cause of all desires and fear.
So I can’t fight the fear. Only enter it and enter the centre of
it and not waste time on the periphery. So what is that fear?
It’s not here right now. I feel all I can do is put my intention
out there that I am ready to enter it and wait for the universe
to brew up the storm for me.
Update - I’ve been really distracted in the last few days.
Watching some trash TV. Not thinking, just switching off. That
KKC4 is very powerful. When I apply curiosity and attention to
the mind, it goes into hiding. Maya’s working overtime to lure
me back into the habitual distractions. That’s OK. They may be
working in the short term but they bore me. Even Maya knows
this. I know what I have got to do and it is not run away from
what I need to face.
Update - Shortly after starting this spiritual journey some
years ago, I started seeing lights and images when my eyes were
shut at night in the dark. One night I got a vivid image which
looked like clusters of dots. It completely freaked me out. My
whole body was tingling and I felt sick. The feeling lasted for
days and I kept seeing the image in my imagination. Over the
years, I have seen objects in daily life which have looked like
what I saw and it freaked me out again.
I’ve always wondered what it was and felt that it was very
familiar although it came out of nowhere. I got a sense that it
was something primal. Until yesterday I had forgotten about it
until I read about the new iPhone launch and people had been
complaining that the cluster of cameras on it had triggered
their trytophobia. So I look up trytophobia and I am completely
freaked out again by what I saw. My body is tingling right now
just writing about this.
Long story short, apparently I am not the only weird person who
get freaked out by clusters of holes or shapes. My mind enjoyed
investigating this new found condition and it does appear that
it could have an evolutionary role in terms of creating aversion
to certain dangers. Aversion is how I would describe it as I am
repulsed by the images but I am also very frightened of
continuing to feel like this. My nervous system has been in a
heightened state of alert the last day.
I asked for this, didn’t I? In my contemplations I put out the
intent that I needed to get to the root cause of all fear; fear
of no self. Well I got what I asked for and I can see how like
you say that the body and mind conspire together to keep me
trapped in the illusion. This feels very real. I can’t see how
releasing this is going to help because this will keep coming
back to haunt me every time I see something that triggers it. My
instinct here is telling me that I have to go with the fear and
where it takes me.
I’ve been trying to edge towards it whenever I can. There is
lots of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of how bad can it get if
I feel like this over a stupid image of clusters of holes on the
internet. How much worse will I feel when I get to the real
source of all of the fears. Do I have the strength to do it. I
have no choice but to do it. But also there is a little part of
me who is quite amused by the whole process. It’s quite clever
actually.
I’ve also been working on releasing the tiller. Well not working
on it, more becoming aware of when I am taking control and when
I get out of the way and things get done effortlessly. I’ve been
thinking about the knock knock contemplation where you talk
about things from a higher perspective where right and wrong are
not perceived.
It may seem to me that all these fears are really bad but what
if from another perspective they are not. How can I get from the
dreamstate to awake without going through fear? From that point
of view, it’s actually a good thing. There is a bigger picture
here rather than just the little Me with her stories and fears
and attachments.
There’s no other place to go but further.
I’ll report back when there is more.
On 5 Sep 2019, at 07:32, Jed McKenna wrote:
Thanks for your report. I read every word and pretty much know
what you are going to say next. You are a dreamt character and
that's all there is to it. This whole world is more dream than
real... much more.
Just stick with what you are doing until you realize you don't
have to do anything. I'll tell you an inside trick I use. I
screw with your mind so much what, hopefully, one day you just
throw up you arms and say ''F this''. It has to be genuine
though, not faking. Then the doors begin to open big time...
really big time.
Onwards and upwards to that day.
love ya, Jed.
Follow up email:
Hi Jed,
I am so glad I was able to enlighten you on the importance of
trytophobia, lol. Actually a funny thing happened. Yesterday I
was plagued with a song over and over in my head. It wouldn’t go
away and in the end I thought I am just going to have to listen
to it. As soon as I started playing the song my body went all
tingly and I got goosebumps. There’s nothing special in that in
that it’s happened before when hearing music but I immediately
realised it was the same feeling i was getting with regards the
trytophobia.
So on one hand there is a pleasureable experience and on the
other an unpleasant experience and both of them produce similar
sensations in the body. So how are they different? They are only
difference is the mind, as in ’thinking makes it so’. My mind is
completely baffled by this and has gone very quiet about its
trytophobia.
I think the sequences goes like this - a sensation happens in
the body. The mind then makes a conclusion about it and creates
a story depending on its importance. It then become “reality’
and this all happens in a split second and before I know it I am
being led around by my mind.
If sensations were to happen in the body and there was no mind
to tell a story about it (or no mind that was believed) then the
sensations would pass very quickly, both the good and the bad.
No importance means no attachment and that leaves a space open
for everything to flow as it should.
Each day seems to bring new understanding and I shall continue
to write and by all means please post the email on your forum
with my name deleted.
#Post#: 39275--------------------------------------------------
Re: Extended student email and response
By: Parsley Date: September 14, 2019, 5:26 am
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Thank you!
"If sensations were to happen in the body and there was no mind
to tell a story about it (or no mind that was believed) then the
sensations would pass very quickly, both the good and the bad."
Clear explaining how it works!
Isn't it interesting that realizing No-self (what usually is
being feared) is the key to stop the minded stories that block
emotions and while doing so make them strong?
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