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#Post#: 39021--------------------------------------------------
Frustration
By: Liisa Date: August 10, 2019, 2:21 pm
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Hi Jed!
I`m new here and I want to tell you about my experience. Long
story but a couple of months ago I lost all my property, our
home and a huge amount of money. I had trusted wrong people when
buying a house for me and my two children few years before.
While I was sitting there in a courthouse and listening how
people were lying because trying to get out of the situation,
suddenly I felt I wasn´t there anymore. Something disappeared
and the part of what was left of “me” was just watching the show
and smiling. I didn`t care anymore, I was totally feeling fine.
Don´t know what happened to me but everything changed, all my
fears are gone, I`m not feeling attachments anymore (just my
children), not “feeling feelings”. People say I should be angry
but all I feel is huge gratitude. I´m free!
I see it now: this whole life is like a game. Like a dollhouse
game. In personal state I feel warm feelings for people but in
generally watching around make me feel sick. Nothing makes sense
anymore and nothing has a point in the outside world. I thought
seeing the truth would be beautiful. I need your help Jed! How
do I get rid of this frustration?
#Post#: 39026--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Jed McKenna Date: August 11, 2019, 3:42 am
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Hi there:
Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum... and, in an
effort to reinforce my own crap... this is why I tell people to
become adults (H/A), i.e., grow up before T/R hits. T/R is not
what you think it is, otherwise it would be a thought and that's
just not the case. Traumatic experiences such as you have gone
through, are often the ''divine accident'' and then later, one
finds a pile of detritus lying around waiting to be cleaned up.
I've seen it over and over with students. They want ''this''
(T/R) and don't realize that it's going to bring about, often, a
ton of cleansing for your new ''lens''.
Now, back to you actual experience. It was not T/R, at least in
my experience which is all I have to draw on. You still think
there are other people out there, that there actually is a
world, a universe. Full blown T/R will clearly reveal those to
be illusory, totally illusory. You may well have tasted T/R,
perhaps viewed one facet on the diamond, but it's not the whole
stone.
First thing to do is learn how to breath. Pretty basic, but I
can assure you that you are not breathing well. Give up all
toxicants including coffee, and CNN, and write me at
the.pasadena.project@gmail.com and I will send you a brief tape
on full body breathing.
Write here as well when you feel moved to. Try to be as clear
and specific as possible.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 39098--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Liisa Date: August 23, 2019, 12:13 pm
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Thank you for your reply! I really do appreciate it!
I needed to lean back with everything for some time. This
“process” already started few years ago and the most
difficultest thing has been the understanding to let go of the
feeling that somehow I’m special. I understood I’ve built
everything around that illusion: my thoughts, opinions,
relationships, profession etc. I see now that I can make huge
steps without running anywhere. I can feel the silence but I
don’t know where it is yet. It tempts me but I’m still too
addicted to have a control of myself and the world. And that
need doesn’t let me go further, like thinking these thoughts
makes the same.
Last year I was considering for leaving everything behind, my
kids and work and the feeling was like excruciating pain for
months. Afterwards I realized that the awful pain lead me to let
go all my illusions of happiness. I don’t have to go anywhere to
find the truth. There’s no empty islands for everyone and I
don’t necessarily need beautiful landscapes or anything extreme
on my way finding the truth. Everything feels very natural. I
don’t want to set any goals on my way but I still would be very
delighted to get some help.
You’re were right about my breathing and I’ll email you. And
sorry this long post and my English :)
#Post#: 39102--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Jed McKenna Date: August 23, 2019, 9:31 pm
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Thanks for sharing Liisa:
If you are considering leaving, it's to late. You already
psychologically, emotionally and spiritually have already gone.
Maybe time to man up, or access the 5% b it c h, what lurks
below the surface. Staying is causing you long term dragged out
pain, like a slow growing cancer.
If I am wrong, than I am wrong. If I am right you will know the
truth inside you.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 42437--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Liisa Date: September 29, 2020, 10:40 am
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Hi Jed! :)
It’s been over a year I wrote here last time. l lost my home and
all my money back then and extremely painful anger grew later
during the winter time. I was watching people like they were
some new species and I was completely in panic, avoiding them
to touch me. I felt like I was really hating people, mostly my
parents. Finally I've started to see signs of empathy.
I´m like a happy hermit. I feel very comfortable being by myself
and with my children. Our life has changed dramatically. But I
feel ashamed because it seems there're “adults” needing me to
feed their egos. I don't want to celebrate birthdays, mothers
days, women's days, christmasts, weekends, sunny days or
someone´s new house. I'm not that interested in most of their
stories anymore. Being ashamed makes me angry and I´m shouting
silently: “ Can't you see, I can’t give you what you want!” I
feel I should be ashamed of what's going on with me. Still lot
of feelings of guilt. When I go to work the energy of 20+ women
pulls me being “old me”. I try to be silent as much as I can,
just listening to people and I see the drama and the need to
control life with opinions and stories inside of me.
I have two questions: I do observe myself/ego a lot and suddenly
I've noticed there´s another dude watching the observer. “Who”
is that one? And another one: where should I put the line
between my freedom and other people´s feelings? Or is it just my
ego making a big deal about this?
#Post#: 42438--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Jed McKenna Date: September 29, 2020, 10:23 pm
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Dear Liisa:
Thanks for sharing a slice of your life. I know exactly what you
are talking about. I went through the same things and
experiences. Those people who appear 'out there' are not really
'out there'. They are in you. And, they can definitely be a
challenge from your perspective. The best thing you can do is
forgive them, but I suggest start with yourself and forgiving
your impatience. If you find something you can't forgive, then
forgive yourself for not being able to forgive. Those who appear
'out there' have no idea what is going on. They are all running
on automatic, and the only thing they can contribute to you is
unceasingly point to your need to forgive... and remember,
forgiveness has nothing to do with 'them', it's for you and you
alone.
Any sense of another 'watcher' is Mayanic in that to 'watch'.
Something appears to be separate from everything, and that is
not True Reality. How can you 'watch' what you are? You can only
be what you are and that is everything and nothing, all at the
same non-existent time. And, if you find that confusing, I
suggest just watching your confusion, and forgive yourself for
being confused... until you realize that it too doesn't exist.
Eventually it dissappears, you dissappear, the world dissappears
and then the universe dissappears. AND, quite literally, all
that is left is YOU, nothing more nor less... an that is
sufficient.
Much love,
Jed.
#Post#: 43026--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Liisa Date: May 20, 2021, 11:00 am
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Hi Jed!
Sorry, but I never thank you for your last reply before I
became ill just a few days after for months and was diagnosed
with aggressive breast cancer on January. After that I´ve got
chemo treatment and it makes my body very ill and weak. I have
to eat benzos to get over my hardest anxiety and I cry why I
can't just give up the control. The idea of dying can be very
real, watching around me and giving up all the attachments. But
later the doctor told me that the treatment works for me like a
miracle. It's totally too difficult not to be attached to your
own health when things are really getting “real”. I know the
process is still going on but I´m not really sure if T/R, as you
see it, is never real for me? Maybe I can't see everything yet
how all this is going to affect me. Maybe this suffering brings
me somewhere deeper. Maybe it wasn't enough when I lost all my
money two years ago. But I see, I've already lost the anger I
was suffering for!! And now when I´m strong enough to go
outside, sun and bird singing makes me cry. I see now there´s
gratitude taking the place.
Thank you for reading my post! Best wishes to you from here!
#Post#: 43033--------------------------------------------------
Re: Frustration
By: Jed McKenna Date: May 22, 2021, 2:50 am
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Hi Liisa:
I am delighted your meds are doing the trick. It isn't always
the case.
Please write me at cambodianashram@gmail.com. I have a little
something for you... I think you will like it.
Much love, Jed.
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