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#Post#: 5038--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: November 23, 2014, 6:52 pm
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Realized as I was prepping for a walk today that I always have
an ulterior motive for walking; fitness, views,birding, looking
for wildflowers etc.Decided to try walking just to be walking.
Didn't quite manage that cuz my mantra of 'I don't know what
that is' kicked in. I keep getting things about deficiency of
language, and how I don't actually know anything about something
just because I know the arrangement of letters that local
consensus deems its name. Just head stuff really. The
interesting thing is that, as noted before, in unnamed Awareness
an object is rather vivid, and as soon as I name it a haze drops
over it. But if I keep repeating that 'I don't know what that
is' the object appears to become much less substantial, rather
shimmery, and yet flat, 2 dimensional. So my belief in the
knowledge imparted by the data collection of perception is
directly tied to my perception of the reality of that which is
perceived.How cool!
The other really wild thing which occurred on the walk was that
I was really trying to let go the tiller and recognize I wasn't
doing the walking, or deciding the route. So I let go of
volition and tried to just watch. Came to a fork in the trail
and just as my body started to lean towards the right hand fork
I felt, for just a fraction of a second, that my Awareness
split, and there was this overlay wherein Awareness went both
left and right. Then it was singular in my body moving right.
Parallel dreaming? Anyway, trippy as it was it's still just
makyo.
#Post#: 5118--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 25, 2014, 5:32 am
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Dear N:
Yes, nothing special.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 5405--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: November 28, 2014, 1:00 pm
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Getting really hard to carry on a conversation with people. I
was extremely introverted as a teenager, but developed decent
people skills once I realized it was fear holding my tongue. And
it helps when I have to talk to people to think of it as
exercising a skill set. But the fact is that I feel false, and
what they say feels false, and I just don't give a shit about
any of that melodramatic crap anymore. Politics, war, injustice,
blah blah blah...felt this way 30 years ago and took a vow of
silence, which only lasted 93 days instead of the year it was
planned, mostly cuz I was encountering a lot of hostility, and
was beginning to have a nervous breakdown
#Post#: 5410--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 28, 2014, 2:13 pm
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Dear ND:
WOW, 93 days, that's a biggie.
I understand what you are saying about others. But you don't
judge a child because they just don't know what's going on. Be
gentle on others as they are children in this field.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 5479--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: November 29, 2014, 9:16 am
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As though I was beyond judging children for their
childishness😉 But really, the judgements only arise when
people are complaining incessantly and blaming everyone but
themselves for their problems, and seen clearly this is a window
into my own ego for which I try to be grateful. Not that I
manage that as much as I'd like. I often forget to remember to
be thankful for the mirror. And it just occurred to me as I was
typing this that if I apply the same non resistance I used to
come to appreciate dissonance in Shoenberg and modern jazz I
might be able to avoid the trapped/ assaulted feelings I get
just from the sound, the stridency, the whining, the screeching,
the 'barbaric yawp', of people's, mine included, voices.
Which brings me back to that vow of silence thing because the
lack of a vent for all the thoughts I had just led to an endless
loop in my head, and I felt like I was going insane. I think now
that maybe I was on the verge of imploding the ego, although
without the context I have now I'm sure that would've been
perceived by the medical/legal fields, and by myself, as
pathological. Can you say electroshock? I think of Suzanne Segal
and Robert Pirsig.
And it shows how little I understood about humans and egos that
I was surprised that they saw through the alleged humility of my
vow to its arrogance and superiority, and were hostile towards
me. You can't just quit talking to people you've been babbling
to incessantly.
#Post#: 5483--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: November 29, 2014, 12:18 pm
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That shimmery, 2 dimensional effect I mentioned does not come
from not-knowing. I discovered, by accident during a rare
eyesopen meditation, that if I stare fixedly at anything it will
turn shimmery and flat eventually. And if I do it long enough
there develops a negative effect, where all the light shades
turn dark and all the dark shades light. No idea if this is some
inherent perceptual thing caused by lack of stimulation or
change, or if it's the result of brain damage from extreme
substance abuse or head trauma. As long as I keep moving my eyes
it doesn't happen. Anyway, I am fairly convinced it has no
meaning any more profound than that visual sensory input is
flawed, though that seems an important enough piece.
#Post#: 5492--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 29, 2014, 9:56 pm
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Dear ND:
Sounds like you are doing just fine.
Love ya.
#Post#: 5663--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: December 2, 2014, 8:48 am
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Just checking in. Not stuck on anything. Still a million
questions, but their insubstantial nature continues to be
revealed. Go through days where I'm amped up and can hardly
sleep and when I do I have vivid, crazyass, violent, chaotic
dreams where I switch pov at seemingly random intervals. Then
there are days when I'm very sluggish and nod off everytime I
relax for a minute. Revisiting Peter Ralston's book of
unknowing, which I didn't finish the first time due to my
resistance to the idea, though I told myself that his writing
was too clunky. Getting a lot out of it this time, particularly
the concept that my abhorrence of not knowing is what led me to
concoct the self in the first place, and that that abhorrence is
my primary block to undoing it. Hoping the Nav series is the
diamond toothed saw that can cut this thing called dan off at
the base. But for now I just keep trying to amputate the
tendrils in front of me faster than they can grow.
Whacking away,
dan
#Post#: 5673--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Notdan
Date: December 2, 2014, 12:24 pm
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So this seems weird, but maybe it's true for most people. Doing
Ralston's belief identifying exercise and for every belief I
come up with about myself or the world I can find an opposite
belief. One side or the other usually carries more investment,
and it seems that the baseline assumptions that I started with
tend to have more influence on present behavior, but still I
notice effects from completely opposing viewpoints. I am a
writhing mass, a clusterfuck, of contradictions! Dan is a null
sum since he is just and only composed of contradictory terms.
My self cancels itself out! And yet it doesn't and all this
opposition only leads to internal conflict and generalised, free
floating anxiety. Ah, the unholy Reason of the ego!
#Post#: 5720--------------------------------------------------
Re: Fresh meat
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: December 3, 2014, 10:25 am
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Geez ND: I thought you didn't know all that stuff.
Love ya, Jed.
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