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#Post#: 38729--------------------------------------------------
The way out of pain?
By: jax98 Date: July 18, 2019, 6:35 pm
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Hey Jed,
Long story short, I had a rough childhood and have dealt with
depression ever since. I'm a high functioning drug addict
(opiates).
I've followed your stuff for years, and I'm very grateful for
it. I understand what you're saying. I've connected the dots,
read all the books, studied all the nondual traditions. I've
meditated, contemplated, focused, forgot...
But nothing has changed. The only thing remaining constant is
the pain. Does that ever go away? What is the way out?
Thanks
#Post#: 38733--------------------------------------------------
Re: The way out of pain?
By: Jed McKenna Date: July 19, 2019, 3:30 am
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O.K. Got it... but not really.
Humor me with specifics... tell me about your pain.
Thanks in advance for the anticipated sordid details.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 38743--------------------------------------------------
Re: The way out of pain?
By: jax98 Date: July 19, 2019, 9:36 pm
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I essentially raised myself from the age of 10. Not because of
any extreme circumstances, but because my parents were not nice
to me. I have memories as far back as age 4-5 when I was shamed
and beaten for acting out or saying the wrong things. That was a
recurring theme in most of our interactions; shame.
What changed at age 10 was I got access to a computer and the
internet. It was an escape hatch - something that wouldn't shame
me for being curious or not conforming to high expectations.
When not in school, I spent 95% of my time on the computer. This
continued until I moved out at age 18.
I had very little conversations with my parents for those 8
years, and the conversations we had were commonly passive
aggressive and hurtful. I think they thought I would "come
around" and see how they were just trying to "protect" me by
being hard on me and instilling obsessive perfectionism,
anxiety, and paranoia into my psyche. That never happened.
Instead, I developed all those things as well as a hatred for
them and a taste for social isolation.
I think what my parents really taught me was to hate myself.
They didn't like me, seemingly since I came out of the womb, and
certainly weren't interested in me. I'm not particularly love
worthy. That's where my pain originates. Most of my life has
been running away from myself. I may have been an innocent
child, but now I'm just a bad person.
It's ironic, isn't it? I hate myself, but here I am, identified
as myself. I abuse my body with drugs just to lose the feeling
of myself being there. No amount of contemplating koans,
meditating, or understanding has given me a modicum of relief.
I've resigned to the possibility that it will take years of
clearing my emotional conditioning before anything changes. And
if that's the case, I'd rather just overdose or kill myself.
#Post#: 38745--------------------------------------------------
Re: The way out of pain?
By: Jed McKenna Date: July 20, 2019, 12:21 am
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Hi there:
Thanks for sharing, and I am at a loss.... a loss for what to
say to you...
How about writing me privately at cambodianashram@gmail.com.
Give me a little time to not-think.
Love ya, Jed.
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