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#Post#: 3565--------------------------------------------------
mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: October 28, 2014, 4:50 pm
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Hello Forum!
I have been practicing for around a decade, primarily Buddhist
teachings. I have read widely--- everything from Advaita to
Madhyamika to Shaivism to Zen. I have also practiced widely,
primarily vipassana, zazen, and self-enquiry, formally and
informally; on retreats and in daily life.
Where I am in practice: BURNING. After many years of relative
peace, the universe has decided to give me a long, slow roasting
leading to this fundamental realization: the problem is not in
pain, but in resistance to pain. This resistance actually
creates an ongoing discomfort that in many ways is worse than
the pain itself (which doesn’t always come).
I came across the post on this forum that most of us are looking
for “happiness sans suffering”, and that the pain is the
“inability to let go.” That’s the message I’ve been getting
fairly clearly. When you approach it this way, pain isn’t even a
problem.
The other day, I wrote “I want to be happy.” Looking at it
closely, this is just pointing to a set of feelings: the feeling
“I”, the feeling “want” (which is a resistance to what is
happening) and the feeling “happy” (light, flowing, uplifting).
Looking at it in this way, it’s just a bunch of squiggly
feelings.
#Post#: 3583--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 28, 2014, 11:31 pm
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Dear M:
Welcome and thank you for sharing your insights.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3627--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: October 29, 2014, 10:32 am
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Thanks for the welcome.
So I've spent about the last hour trying to write something
about I, but whatever I write doesn't cut it. The presence of
"I" is immediate and obvious. But to say anything more leads to
problems. I can't say "I see a window" because there is no line
between a "me" and "the window." Objects don't exist apart from
I, and I cannot understand I apart from objects. Yet, I itself
is not an object, even though it appears to expand and contract,
and I cannot say it comes or goes, even though it seems to arise
on waking and disappear on sleep. I cannot say it changes,
because the I am now is the same I was when I was a kid (or so I
think), but I can't say it doesn't change because of all the
statements before.
So the I can neither be affirmed nor denied. But then, so what?
Eventually, I'll get back to work and fall back into old habits.
Then something painful will come along jolt me back. Is this all
just an endless back and forth?
#Post#: 3628--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 29, 2014, 10:36 am
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Dear M:
One other member mentioned that he felt he was going around in
cycles and I pointed out that they were probably more like a
spiral. It might feel round and round, but it's really round and
then up one (small perhaps) level, then it repeats.
Patience with yourself is called for.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3713--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: October 30, 2014, 9:23 am
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I suppose the issue is, I don't really know where I'm going. It
feels somewhat aimless: pick up this for a while, see this, have
this experience, move on. On the other hand, maybe this is what
is needed.
It is easy to shift the story: life is meaningless, life is a
river of divine energy, life is about saving all sentient
beings, life is about just being here, life is about serving
God, life is a random collection of atoms bouncing together. It
is not unlike one of the older exercises on this forum, where
you look at the same person as a saint or a sinner. I have lived
all of these stories, and none of them could last because none
of them are completely true (or completely false).
What is hard is to move past stories altogether.
#Post#: 3839--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: October 31, 2014, 10:53 pm
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I've been having to deal with a lot of stress lately and it's
interesting to change the story line. There is the sensation,
but what can vary is how the sensation is taken. Taken as
something to be resisted, or struggled with, it is a problem.
But what if it isn't? What if this jerk or this problem or this
discomfort is put here to burn away the crap that hold me back?
Now it's different. What happens is the sensation tends to
change. It is more loose, less tight, it starts to flow.
I can see the problem with the truth. I say, tell me how it is.
But really, if any story is only somewhat true, well, what I'm
asking for is the truest lie.
#Post#: 3858--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 1, 2014, 2:22 am
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Dear Mattj:
Excellent realization... now further.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3970--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: November 2, 2014, 6:35 pm
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I feel like the thing to do is not take a position. Step back
into the witness, and let everything flow, including the
witness. But I also feel that this IS a position.
#Post#: 3986--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: November 2, 2014, 9:27 pm
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Don't think too much about it.. it's just play.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 4041--------------------------------------------------
Re: mattj
DIR By: mattj
Date: November 3, 2014, 12:58 pm
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As a follow up to your death/clinging rant, here's what seems to
be my problem with clinging: you can't REALLY cling. About the
best I can do is TRY to cling, or resist the flow.
The sensations of the world are too swift and changing--- I
can't hold onto them. They slip right through my fingers. Even
if I lay in bed and clench up all my muscles, the law of change
will eventually put an end to it.
I see this with my son: I want to cling to him, but he keeps
changing. That isn't a bad thing, because who would want to have
a little baby forever? He grows, he changes, he transforms, just
like everything else. And "I" can't really control the outcome.
I can't make him one way or another, much like I can't control
what thoughts appear in my mind or what people appear in my life
or what sensations appear generally.
Still, there is resistance.
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