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#Post#: 37937--------------------------------------------------
Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 19, 2019, 7:19 pm
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I can’t describe how I feel. I look to write, and want to scream
at the top of my lungs. Everything I do I feel out of place.
What I’m feeling is foreign. I can’t even enjoy myself because
my mind is driving me crazy. This isn’t who I am. It’s a dense
dark cloud that is slowly losing its grip. I try to write in a
journal but here, the forum, is where the real work is done. No
real difference, and I’ve been here before. I’m understanding
what you meant (not really) by what it means to awaken in the
dream state and that’s where I’m at now. I’m at the point where
I can hold a conversation now, I think before I was all over the
place but I want to dig in one spot all the way down. Anyways,
I’ve been feeling pretty violent lately toward myself. This is
what a crazy man looks like, I am no longer sane. I will
continue to write here. Holding onto the question ‘what is there
to get?’ Since this mind is in a habitual state of grasping.
Cheers
#Post#: 37938--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 20, 2019, 2:08 am
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Hey there Jed,
I can no longer live like this. It is simply uncomfortable and I
can barely operate around people and the world. I read around
the forum and have a better idea of how I should play this role
as a student. I’ve used this forum many times before, muddling
around, not taking this sincerely. I would like to thank you for
your patience with my childish behavior but it’s time to move
forward and waste less time. If I’m going realize my true
nature, it’s going to have to start with H/A. I’m experiencing a
lot of angry emotion with a longtime friend who so happen to
live with me along with another guy who has used this forum
before. It’s simply a setup perfect for burning all of this
arrogance that lives inside me. I could try to pull the whole
tree at once but H/A in my opinion is the gradual way.
Thank you for reading my opener, it’s time to move forward.
Here’s nothing to start. I’m experiencing a lot of angry and
grip on my longtime roommate. Certainly childish on my behalf
but we’ve known each other my whole life so these emotions run
deep. I’ve started to spend less time with him because I’ve
realized there’s nothing I can do for our relationship. There’s
nothing about it that I enjoy anymore and I don’t think spending
more time with him will do anything. Our apartment feels like
it’s falling apart and totally out of control. Our relationship
is toxic in the sense that it’s no longer like it was. I can’t
tell if it’s just growing up and relating to each other
differently but there hangs this awkwardness sense in the air.
He’s mentioned that I’m a totally different person than before
and I wouldn’t doubt it. I know I haven’t said much but I’m
simultaneously seeing clearer as I pretend I’m talking to you,
the Jed character. I might just treat this as a journal so
expect a lot of just mumbling and seeing through. I don’t have
any questions because they seem to be all the same. This mind
keeps on choosing one of the other as if one is actually better.
It all seems so funny typing this because the non seriousness is
peaking through as I type my frustration out to the forum. Just
a lot of confusion anger ‘long sighs’ jdkemd.
This is passed the limit of 200 words but this forum serves to
get all this arrogance out. *LONG SIGH**
#Post#: 37939--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 20, 2019, 2:21 am
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Everything I just said was a bunch of garbage. Complaining about
nothing, distracted by ignorance. I’m looking to you for
nothing, seems silly that I can’t do it for myself. I’m so hard
and violent toward myself, but I can’t help it. I feel out of
place and nothing about the world is enjoyable. If T/R will make
me enjoy life again then arrogance must be burned. How do I
begin seeing through this body? I try to hold ‘I am the body’
but get distracted by human drama. I’m repeating it like a
mantra but it’s feels silly and pointless as if something I
going to happen. Is that what I should do? Say ‘I am the body’
and return to this thought when other thoughts appear? I’ve even
said it slowly like reading off a paper. I brought my attention
to the ‘I’ and it feels like transparent foggy cloud. It may
appear all of the place but I figure this is a good way to start
and we can re-center as the dialog progresses. Thank you thank
you thank you!!!! Now is Time
#Post#: 37940--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Jed McKenna Date: April 20, 2019, 3:21 am
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Hi There:
Good to hear from you again. You might feel like you are failing
or caught in you angry loop, however, counter ituitively, it's
the kind of thing I like to hear from students because it means
there are great opportunities just over the horizon. You might
contemplate, ''Am I in this body or is this body in me?''.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 37994--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 24, 2019, 2:02 am
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Contemplating questions brings out bursts of violent anger and
frustration. These emotions are starting to last less and lose
its personal touch. A puppy has appeared into my life. His
innocence and purity show how much of an a-hole control freak I
can be. I am thankful for his presence and unconditional love
during this transition to H/A. For these last two years have
been odd. Taking psychedelics created this emotionally dense
ball who believed he had something. All these years holding
tight onto nothing. Of course, Life being Life has the power to
loosen up the tightest of the tight. This whole personal
identity is crumbling, fictional character that the One gets to
play behind the tv screen. How do I release more control? It’s
becoming obvious that the personal self has no Real control,
like getting emotionally wounded up really gets anyone anything.
#Post#: 37995--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 24, 2019, 2:23 am
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Hmm the mind is becoming less useful as I dig deeper. Attention
itself on the body is just enough, focusing on this emotional
ball that lingers in the body. Light piercing through on its
own, clouded at times but light doing its thing
#Post#: 37996--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Jed McKenna Date: April 24, 2019, 5:17 am
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You're doing fine. Just keep you attention on that tight ball of
string, fear and anger.
Love ya, Jed
#Post#: 38002--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 25, 2019, 3:55 am
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Will do. Ok Jed, if it’s anything you could help me better
understand, it would be H/A. What does this look like in your
experience? My idea of it is a ‘just enough’ paying job, living
alone (tired of living with people), doing things on my own
terms, simple life, easy going, away from what everyone is reLly
doing (fams, popularlity, NYC, L.A). I could be all myself and
be fine. I’ve lost interest being around people and finding
friends and everything everyone says to do. It feels odd saying
this cause it feels like I’m drifting away from society, not
living a dream or my potential. That sounds like b.s., but I
just don’t see the game humans find fun and amusing. I could be
a gas cashier for all I car at this point. Being around people
is little, but that’s the Human game right? This amusement park
dream state whatever? I come off as the sober one now. I talk to
these college kids and it looks like I sober them up and talk
the twinkle excitement out of their eyes...
#Post#: 38003--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Jed McKenna Date: April 25, 2019, 9:07 am
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HTML https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IPfJnp1guPc
#Post#: 38006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Urnciridkekdk
By: Asdf Date: April 25, 2019, 6:59 pm
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Thank you for that, this is one of those songs where I gently
talk the words and it sounds like I’m hitting the notes. In
other words, a song that makes it look like I can sing.
So I’ve been thinking (less) but it looks like a part of the
awakening process is leaving the people I knew behind I.e
family, friends who previously made up who I was. Kind of like
moving onto the next scene, full of new actors and roles. I
could be all wrong but that’s what I’m sensing as a part of me
WANTS to stay with my family and ALLOWING this next chapter
(Army) to be the next chapter in my life. It’s feels brighter,
lighter, the more I taste the Army side. Staying with the
current people feels denser, confusing. Just a little of my
observation that doesn’t really matter. I’m going to continue
playing it out, and developing a stronger sense of this new way
of being. I’ll see what happens, too much thinking is confusing
at this point. Anyways, I’m at the bars right right about to eat
some food, cheers.
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