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#Post#: 37011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: kkely Date: January 11, 2019, 9:02 am
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Thanks sandranne
For your post ,really sounds like my life story , it helps me to
see that maybe all life stories are similar to this .
Read this teacher say once he was in AA meetings and it dawned
on him that all the people’s stories were like his
And that made him see he was not his story.
I’m thankful to be reading this thread ,really helps as I can
relate to no longer feeling connected to a will.
I’m Really not very good at expression threw writing but wanted
to say something and thank you to all here.
Trey
#Post#: 37013--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 11, 2019, 10:48 pm
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Questions are just invitations to tell stories, stories are
invitations to believe, and believing is the work of Maya.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 37017--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 12, 2019, 2:19 am
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@Trey
Thanks for your comment. I know what you mean about stories.
Probably I'lll just finish telling this one and that will be it
for me. That's how it feels right now anyway.
Love,
Sandra
#Post#: 37021--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 12, 2019, 8:59 am
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All good and thank you for your contribution.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 37038--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 13, 2019, 2:20 pm
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It feels time for me to post the next chapter. I know it hasn't
been a week but the whole time thing is lost on me and my body
is probably older than most so just know that the chapters will
be posted at least once a week but maybe sooner. I thank
everyone for their comments. I also haven't had any ideas of
what to title this book except one and that is if anyone reading
has any title ideas I'd love to hear them. After all this is
your book in the same way it is mine, whatever you read you have
actually written.
Love,
Sandra Anne
#Post#: 37039--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 13, 2019, 2:21 pm
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CHAPTER TWO
Somehow, over the course of a day or two, my experience of life
went back to the way it was before, bull**** intact. Gone as
quickly as they had come were my days of going outside to sit in
a chair by the pool to smoke a cigarette and stare in wonder at
the night sky. The sky went back to being unnoticeable and the
noise in my head took over my utterly blissful knowing of
everything which was actually nothing with the same old
incessant overall feelings and thoughts that "my life is ****ed"
and "I've got to get out of this place" that had filled it
before. One might think that after an experience of this type,
of this magnitude that something would have eased up a bit, or
that I might have had some type of inspiration but no.
According to the standards of "normal" functioning my life
actually got much worse and would continue to do so for some
time.
Later that year, my mother finally left my father so to speak.
What actually happened is that she sold her business and decided
she wanted to live in the country and so with my help we drove
all over Arkansas looking for a suitable house. We were living
in Dallas at the time, had been for many years but Arkansas real
estate was cheap so that's where we looked. The plan was that I
would go with my mother because "my father" was the problem and
I would raise my children in a nice wholesome place. We would
have a beautiful garden, raise chickens and other animals and
basically take it easy and just live the simple life. For once,
she was actually being nice to me and I actually thought that my
problems were over, that I'd take care of her and she'd take
care of me and my children. My father stayed behind in the
house in Dallas and when he actually got on with his life and
tried to divorce her a year and half later, because you know she
had left him and they hadn't been living together, she was
dumbfounded that he had his own life to live I guess and tried
to stop him from ending it but that's another story.
Long story short again, the life we both envisioned did not
match up at all with what happened. Apparently with my father
out of the picture, if I hadn't been completely my mother's
object of hatred before, I was now. Let's just say we had a
small hobby farm and I did all the work from morning to night
while my mother complained and continued to criticize me to no
end. I apparently could do nothing right in her eyes, no matter
how hard I tried and believe me I tried.
I even once at her request tried to sheer four grown sheep with
some other guy she found who also had no idea what he was doing.
Listen, I'm not a country girl, didn't grow up on a farm and I
have always weighed around 115 lbs. I don't know jack about
most animals let alone sheep, hell, I didn't even know how the
sheers worked but hey no problem, you want me to sheer some
sheep for you, what the hell, I'll give it a go. Have you ever
tried to sheer a a grown lamb, let me tell you it isn't easy,
first off they are husky ****ing animals and weigh about 200lbs
and the only way to get near them is to corner them and grab
them by the horns and somehow flip them on their butt because
once they are on their butt they become docile. This doesn't
mean you just toss them on their butt and that's it, no they
don't just let you walk up to them and say let's do this, just
wanting to grab a hold of them takes a lot of courage, and then
if you do manage to wrangle the beast onto it's butt you have to
hold them there and then while you are holding them there they
literally sh** on you. One person holds and the other sheers.
We did it both ways. How the **** you sheer the bottom when
that's the only reason the thing is staying still is beyond me.
We didn't sheer their butts and what we did sheer was the most
uneven haircut in the history of sheep sheering, I'm sure.
Totally laughable but hey I tried.
After about four hours of this we finally gave up exhausted,
with sh** and wool everywhere and this woman whom I called my
mother, calls out to me that I should get in the house and make
dinner for my children. I was like, I'm out here sheering your
****ing sheep and you can't put some chicken nuggets in the oven
and feed your grandchildren? Boy was I pissed and you know what
she was doing the whole time, just sitting in front of the TV
totally relaxed and doing some knitting. I do not lie when I
say I could not please this woman. After all that, I had to
make dinner and do the dishes, including hers. Her deal was
that she was paying for everything, it was her money that kept
the lights on so I should do all the work. So that's what I did
and still it wasn't good enough. If it wasn't for my children,
for my immense love of them, I'm sure that I would have given up
and hung myself in the barn, that's how bad it was. Well, some
dreams really do suck, no doubt about it.
Then later that same year, I was sitting around and my mom was
reading through the school handbook for whatever reason. My two
oldest children were both in first grade and my youngest would
start kindergarten the next year. So she says to me rather
calmly, "Did you know they have corporal punishment at this
school?"and I'm like "What's that?", because apparently I have
no idea what that is and she tells me that they spank the
students. Now, I'm alarmed and I jump out of my seat and say
"They do what?" And she tells me again and I say, "No way" and
she says "well that's what it says here" and I look at the
handbook and it's all laid out like how many swats for which
offenses and all. So I get on the phone and immediately call
the school and my exact words when they answer the phone are
"I'm looking at your handbook and I think I'm reading here that
you hit children there?" Then she explains to me that yes they
do but if I don't want my children spanked all I have to do is
sign a piece of paper forbidding it. "Damn straight" I think
"if you even lay a finger on my child I will ****ing kill you"
so that very minute I drive down to the school and sign the
paper. Good god, what next, but you know after a week or so the
whole incident just evaporates and I forget it for the time
being. My kids are never in any trouble anyway so nothing comes
up until the start of the next school year.
Now my youngest is starting Kindergarten and you know this is
kind of a big deal not only for my child but for me because it
will be the first time in a long time that I will actually have
some time to myself because all the children will be away for
the whole day. So you know there's all the hoopla and we meet
the teacher and it seems all sweet and stuff and on the second
day, the kids get off the bus and my littlest one runs up the
long gravel driveway without stopping and straight into me where
I'm standing on the big porch, throws his body and arms around
me and says in a terrified voice, "I never want to go back to
that place." Well, it took me more than a minute to find out
why because the child could barely talk that's how frightened he
was. Apparently, his Kindergarten teacher had brought a paddle
into the room and it doesn't look like a ping pong paddle, it's
a long worn out well used piece of wood with a handle and says
to the children "if you don't behave this is what you have to
look forward too." Then she leaves it on her desk as a
reminder.
Well that's when I really started to lose my ****, first of all
you have to know that punishment isn't a thing for me and my
children because for some reason I don't believe in it. I don't
punish my children and I don't let anyone else do it either. I
don't see how hurting and/or humiliating anyone can have a
positive effect on anything and the whole thing is just cruel to
me, it's sick and wrong and I don't like it, in fact I don't
even seem to be able to tolerate it. Long story short again,
because that was a whole big journey for me, I had many lengthy
meetings with the school, I even joined a group that was trying
to pass a law against it and stood outside their school with a
sign that said "My principle beats butts. Positive role model
or child abuser." Keep in mind that this was a super small town
out in the sticks and all the residents were actually in favor
of beating their children and you can imagine what a spectacle I
must have been. My mother kept telling me to just forget about
it, that I was making a fool of myself, and of her, "it's not
that big a deal" she'd say. "They're not going to hurt your
children" she'd say "so just leave it alone." But they were,
there was something about "school" that would hurt my children"
this I knew deep down.
Eventually what I realized is that these people could not behave
in any other way then the way they were behaving because they
were raised the same way and their favorite line of defense was
"I was spanked and I turned out ok" . Of course, I thought ,
like hell you did, you are obviously not ok, anyone who hits a
child on purpose, like completely premeditated thinking it was a
good thing to do "for" the child is a complete lunatic in my
book. And I was like if what you are is "ok", I don't want it.
That's not my idea of okay, not by a long shot. Then it
occurred to me, why strive for "okay", that seems a lowly goal
anyway, ****,are we only here to be okay? How stupid it that?
I did not come here to be just "okay", What the **** is that?
Is that all this is? I just don't think so, something seriously
wrong here.
To be true, times were getting even darker for me. My whole
family was against me taking my children out of school. I think
they were sure I was crazy since all of society says no one can
thrive without it. Well if that were true than wouldn't we see
almost all of the America people who were forced to go to school
thriving? Not happening. I don't see any thriving going on
anywhere, all I see is bull****. I was, however, hardly in a
position to offer anything better they told me, pointing to the
failed life I was living. "Look at you", my mother once told
me, "you have no money. You are a total loser." My mother was
frankly embarrassed of me and my very public displays of protest
against this school system and she made it a condition for
living there that my children attend school so more homelessness
ensued. Sometimes we'd leave for a few months and then come
back to my mother's house and then leave again.
How I stood my ground is anyone's guess, but doubt and fear were
my constant companions, after all, my mistake stood to ruin
three entire lives. My kids did attend several different
schools after all that out of necessity, meaning there were
times I was trying to get on my own two feet so to speak and I
had to work and couldn't afford a babysitter but they were
always short lived like a month or two, sometimes only a week,
or a few days because invariably someone at the school (other
schools and schools without corporal punishment, schools in
completely different parts of the country) would treat them
disrespectfully and I would go off. A simple example would be
my daughter might ask to go to the bathroom and be told no, then
come home and tell me about it and I would go down to the school
and say "Listen here, when my daughter asks you to go to the
bathroom it isn't really a question for you, it's a courtesy on
her part to let you know where she's going so the answer to that
is always yes because you aren't in charge of her, she's in
charge of her. Got it? You work for her not the other way
around." Or once when my son's class had to line up to leave
the cafeteria, they were told to put their hands behind their
back and my son wouldn't do and when he told me about it I went
down there and told them "My son doesn't put his hands behind
his back for anyone and he never will, he's not a criminal but
maybe you are, what is wrong with you?" There were so many
things and I did not beat around the bush, I was always blunt
and to the point almost like the strength I'd never found for
myself, I had found for them. Needless to say this was never
well received so we moved around a lot because I'd have to take
them out and lose my job at the same time. One time I even went
so far as to write out cards that said "I have the right to call
my mother at any time I see fit for any reason and this card
states you must respect this request immediately. This card is
legally binding and failure to comply will have dire
consequences." I would not under any circumstances compromise
their integrity even if it meant financial disaster which it
most often did. It felt like I was at war with the whole world
and I think I was. Okay was not going to do, not for them and
not for me, not at all and I do not lie.
Nothing actually happened. When I said "I do not lie" in the
previous paragraph, I was lying. To be true I never lived in
Arkansas or anywhere else for that matter. If I called my
mother right now and asked her why she was so utterly nasty to
me she would say she doesn't remember ever being nasty to me.
That's because it never happened and all the things that you
think are going on aren't. Seriously, I don't even have a
mother or children for that matter and there were never any
sheep but the dream does appear in the way it appears and some
aspects of the dream are more insistent and realistic than
others, not really but even if your life is a dream you might as
well live it. What else can you do?
Maybe, I'll get back to the story of Arkansas later in this
writing but I can't really know. The only thing other thing I
really want to mention right now about that God awful place is
that there was a thrift shop located in a small town where
because of my food stamp status, I was allowed two free grocery
bags worth of free stuff once a month so I used to go there and
see what I could find. Keep in mind this is the most ass
backward part of the country so finding a completely free book
there called "Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damnedest Thing" by
Jed McKenna in that place was highly unlikely. Once again, the
universe suffices to cut you a break and gives you a clue to
what is actually going on.
I read this book and loved it. I ordered all the books and read
them and loved them and nothing happened. So I read them all
again because I knew what they were talking about but I just
couldn't get it and still nothing happened. Of course, there
were never any books. Seriously, I recently went back to my
mother's house to see if I could find my original copies. She
never throws anything out so if they were actually there, I
would have found them. I went through the attic, through every
part of the house, and could not find them. Well, you know
dreams are weird like that. Now if you can't remember where you
left something you can just dream order a new one online. So I
have all my books back and then some and now a days, my dream
has evolved to the point where I don't have to steal to do it.
So what am I doing here? What am I trying to say? It's 2:30 in
the am and I've had about nine hours of sleep in the last 48
hours. What does any of this matter to you? Or to me? Why do
I sit here and imagine that I am writing anything at all?
Silence comes over me now. What is this place? The appearance
of a desk and a lamp and the sound of a space heater humming
from across the room. What else is here?
The app on the iPad I am using to write this shuts down, the
whole app just closes on it's own, just like that, and it goes
back to the home page where I have a picture of Ramana Maharshi.
That's what happened after I wrote that last question last
night. I just sat there staring into his eyes and then he
seemed to say "Enough, go to bed."
So I pretend there's something called a bed and something called
me and I get in it and go to sleep.
#Post#: 37042--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 13, 2019, 10:35 pm
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Thanks again Sandra Anne for your contribution. It ''speaks'' to
a number of members and that is good.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 37050--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 15, 2019, 12:25 am
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Dear Readers,
Ok, enough, I feel like you are sitting there wondering what is
this, what is this story I'm reading? You can read it and just
see that it's heartbreaking, you can swap out all the details
and put in your own, but what is the point? What is the point
of doing that? We've all had our own particular brand of
heart-ache, out battles within the dream, how the dream just
isn't living up to anything, how it just somehow isn't enough,
but most of all we SEE that it is utterly ridiculous how this
dream is operating, that things just don't ADD UP! That we
don't add up, on the one side we have these miraculous things we
call "life' and "love" and on the other we have some impossible
monetary standards that only a select few are able to achieve
and even those people aren't happy because if they were they
wouldn't be involved in the greed and demise of the multitudes.
What is it that is going on? It just doesn't make sense but and
here's the rub, it's believable. The whole story makes just
enough sense to be believable. Until of course, it isn't.
Meanwhile, there you have been studying all these realized
masters and you do get it, but then there's that part of you
that says, well that's all well and good but you don't
understand "MY PREDICAMENT". My life isn't like that. I don't
have a simple life where I can ponder and accept all this stuff
because I'm busy trying to f***ing survive here. I've got bills
to pay and people and things to take care of and pay attention
to. Let me tell you "No you don't" If you are reading this,
you only have one thing to do while you still have a body and
this is it. What you really are "consciousness" didn't just
accidentally direct your attention to this web page anymore than
I just "accidentally" wrote these words. There are no accidents
going on anywhere. No words and no one to write any words and
for God's sake no web page. Please enjoy Chapter Three to the
extent that you are able to enjoy it.
Chapter Three
The thing is you can't get there from here so you must go where
no one else goes and you must go it alone. No one else is
going with you so don't even bother about that, don't bother
trying to tell anyone about it, don't bother trying to "discuss"
this with anyone, nobody gives a **** what you think about
anything including you, yourself and that's your biggest
problem. There is no you and no one else is here either.
That's what you have to realize but the one that you are trying
to convince of it, the one that needs to know this, the one that
wants to know this isn't here to do it so that's where it turns
into a big mess. I mean you have to see the dilemma of trying
to convince something that isn't even there that it isn't there.
This is a major mind F*** because the you that you think you
are has to bypass all the obstacles that are telling it that it
does exist, which is everything, it's whole damn life, and it
doesn't help, not one bit, that literally every other person you
can come in contact with is on board with the lie.
There is no easy way around this and words won't do it for you.
Actually words are part of the problem, because even the words
are in on the big lie. The words are making up all the wrong
ideas about everything you think you know which you don't and
yet obviously you somehow have to work with them to cut through
the crap that you call "your life." That's why I can't even say
it to you, because the word "you" is not really there. I hope
"you" see "my" problem when I say that "you", "my", and also
"problem" aren't really there either.
So you know how you think things are happening all the time?
Everyday, every minute that you are awake and not in your bed
fast asleep (and even then), you think that something is
happening, you are doing the dishes, or going to work, or taking
a shower, whatever it is, is not actually going on. Seriously,
just because you think you are seeing these things or feeling
these things happening they're not. Nothing is happening.
Nothing has ever happened, not now, not then, and not ever.
I know it's hard to believe and I know what you're thinking
about this. You are thinking "What the **** is she talking
about? Nothing happening? What a load of bull****? This girl
must be crazy. What a stupid book! ". You are thinking, "I
have a life. I have a family. Or I had a family but now
they're all gone. Or my children are well behaved and are going
to college" or "my oldest son is on drugs" or whatever ****img
story you have going on. It could be any story. (You heard one
story, you've heard them all applies here.). I have money" or "I
don't have money" or "everything's working out" or "nothing's
working out." Literally, every single thing you have ever
"thought" has happened or didn't happen but could have happened
or is happening now isn't f***ing happening. Nothing is
happening. The whole entire thing whether you are 10 seconds or
eighty five years old has simply never occurred. Nothing has
ever occurred. Try to wrap your head around that and you will
quickly see that you won't be able to. You can't wrap your head
around anything because you don't have a ****ing head. You
don't have anything and you never will. You may be sitting
there with this book in your hands right this very moment and I
say to you with the utmost sincerity that you are not sitting
anywhere and that this book is not resting in something you call
your hands.
I know I'm getting very blunt with you but that is really the
only way to go. I've had it a lot of easy ways and I can tell
you it doesn't work worth a sh** that way. All the things that
you think have happened did not happen. You haven't struggled
to make ends meet or run a successful business, you aren't
sitting by a fire in an expensive home or sitting on a street
corner, you are literally no where. Nothing is here including
you. Of course, there's no way for you to believe this, no way
because there's no one there to believe it, that's what I'm
telling you. Anyway, you are way too invested in what you think
is happening, what you think has happened, and what you hope
will happen to actually figure out what is happening which is
nothing. All the things that you think you've done, the good
and the bad, all the so called mistakes, and/or accomplishments
will just vanish and you will be left with what's actually here
which is nothing, not nothing exactly but not something like you
think.
If you knew that it would be a shock, albeit a very pleasant one
but you don't know that because there isn't a you to "know"
anything. All your cherished ideas and opinions about the world
and your place in it would be gone. Now for some fortunate
beings (of which there are none) this would be most welcome
especially those imaginary characters whose dream lives aren't
turning out so well. If you are reading this, I'd take a guess
that you're one of these lucky ones since the ones whose dream
is moving along in a rather splendid ordinary way will never
start the search. These confident characters spend their whole
lives "thinking" that they've got it all figured out and they
wouldn't in a million years look twice at a book like this if
they did come across it, (which they won't) after all they have
plans and are going places, and once you know the truth, you
don't go anywhere since there's nowhere to go. Either way it
doesn't matter, there is no "good" way or "better" way because
there aren't any "ways." So no one is doing better than you or
worse than you because all these ideas are just "ideas" that
don't mean shit.
I know you don't know what I'm talking about so let's talk about
why you can't understand this. "You" as in who you think you
are is a fictional character in the big *ss dream that we all
call this world. This "entity if we can even call it that is
the part of you that "thinks" it exists as you even though it
doesn't. This thing which is a non-thing , what I am calling an
"entity" is how your mind works to create the appearances of
your particular dream. It is a completely non-personal
operating system that has used all your particular characters
early childhood experiences and emotional imprinting to produce
a very realistic picture of what you call yourself that is
living "your life." From a very early age, you were literally
"convinced" that you were this and the years that have gone by
(not really) have cemented this idea of you in your mind, in
your operating system, so trying to break out of this is like
trying to break out of what you have always known as "you".
Furthermore, this you that is not is actually convinced that it
is you so trying to break out of it is like the equivalent of
breaking out of a maximum security prison with a body that has
no arms or legs. So any time you make any move to break free of
it, it stops you because it has by this time taken complete
control of your dream for so long that any disturbance that
threatens it's existence is taken to be real and it then
"directs" your attention away from finding out about it. In a
way, it actually "is" the director of your attention. It is in
charge of dictating what you are aware of and it's doing that
same thing with everyone you know.
Got it? Well, here's where it gets tricky, let's say that you
actually figure out what's going on and now you want to break
free, guess what happens? It uses anything and everything it
can to convince you that doing this is a very bad idea.
Seriously, like shit in the dream, the stuff that really means
something to this fictional character that you thought you were
all this time, stuff that really hits you hard, that threatens
the very "life" of this character, things like your children or
your money or maybe your spouse or good friends or even your
brain or body, whatever it is that you value the most starts to
go haywire and you start to feel very bad about all these
things. You might feel a lot of fear and your thoughts might be
thinking about all the bad things that you "think" are happening
to you. This is where it is absolutely imperative in your
understanding that "nothing is happening." Nothing has ever
happened". You have been living in a dream world and the dream
is coming out of your mind. There are no other people, there is
only your mind producing the images of other people and at the
same time these "others" are producing the image of you in their
dream. But be very very clear here, you are all just part of
the same dream which is not real.
People even animals might even attack you and you might feel
very very out of place. It may feel like your entire life is
spinning out of control and the worst part of all this is that
you may feel that it is all your fault. You feel like you are
to blame for all this sh** going wrong but nothing is going
wrong because nothing is happening and there is no "you" to
blame for anything. If there is no you than who is there "to
do" anything. All your life you've never "done" anything or
been anywhere. All this is, this chaos and fear is the
imaginary dream character pulling out all the stops to get you
to stop looking at it. This response is automatic, it is your
particular conditioning on auto-pilot. Nothing can happen to
you because there is no you for it to happen to.
I don't care if you believe me or not because you're not there
and neither am I so who cares who believes anything.
#Post#: 37054--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: dunkdivee Date: January 15, 2019, 5:23 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Ramana as the background on your iPad, jeesh...
You are making a ton of claims, without giving any reasoning
behind them.
If I don't see that it's all a dream then I'm delusional, or
something like that.
A few years ago this might have seemed profound to me, but now
it looks like a bunch of b.s.
Stubbing my toe hurst, wether I call it just a dream or not.
Now having a mental story play in my mind: 'I'm so stupid/clumsy
etc.' can make it worse.
If a tree falls in a forest but there is no one there to hear
it, will it make a sound?
Of course it will.
From reading your writing I'd think your answer would be
something along the lines of: 'There is no tree.'
C-rex, consciousness is king, everything's happening in
consciousness. That's what your writing boils down to imo.
No world without me being there to experience it. Really? Sounds
like more b.s to me.
If I die the world will still be there.
I made a lot of assumptions here about what your views would be
on some of the things I wrote, I realize that it's probably not
very accurate.
Also, I appreciate all the chapters you've shared. Chapter 1,
and most of 2 were very entertaining, but after that it turned
to new-age crap imo.
#Post#: 37057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: breakup Date: January 15, 2019, 5:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
The paragraph on stuff you value going "haywire"...
I've been feeding all the haywire stuff right into s/a and its
an excellent way to get the pen moving
"nothing is happening" "nothing has ever happened"
I appreciate this book right now as there is nothing anywhere
around I can really read
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