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#Post#: 36991--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1055 Date: January 10, 2019, 8:07 am
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Hi, Sandra
Don't really know what to say, just felt like I owe you an
honest comment, since your story was really touching. It also
made me remember how hard it is to relate to anybody's story,
because I have no idea what you were talking about. I have
friends who described their experiences in terms of disappearing
(one of them called it "depersonalization"), but with me the
whole process is very gradual, and obviously I don't have the
superpowers yet.
The only part where I could empathize was about how one ego
engages another ego - and that's it, there's you basis for
conversation. This happens to me all the time. It's just hard
for me to get interested in talking. I tried to explain it with:
"Well, that's just classic me, still having this depressive
aftertaste from the darker days". But this doesn't make sense,
no one can be depressed all the time. So, maybe I can relate to
that; or maybe I'm just twisting words, which of course I am.
I'm also detecting many similarities between your way of writing
an the general new-age way of writing. You know, "I'm there, but
I'm not there, but something is". Got me skipping chunks of text
with the thought: "Yes, I read it somewhere". Not criticizing
though, in fact, you better ignore this remark, because in terms
of enlightenment literature I'm really biased and jaded.
Still, if you publish the book, I believe people will be very
interested, the emotional side of it is real strong. I for one
will definitely read the next chapter if you publish it here.
Cheers
#Post#: 36992--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Kati Date: January 10, 2019, 12:09 pm
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Dear Sandra Anne,
Thank you for your reply. It seems you can express way better
this stuff. I find it very difficult to say anything consistent
about it. I’m glad to hear there’s someone who knows what I’m
talking about. It seems there's no so much wrong with this after
all ;)
About “coldness”, it’s weird, because in a way it’s a lot about
uninterest as you say. The lack of interest is larger than just
social things, it’s in everything. People don’t generally seem
to understand what I mean, when I say that motivation, interest,
will or whatever is just missing. They automatically think that
I’m not motivated, interested, or I don’t want something. Not
wanting and a missing will is totally different things. There’s
something weird about other stuff too. For example, I’ve been
having problems with my back (again). I know a lot of stuff I
could do to ease it, but I just don’t seem to do any of it. And
it’s not procrastinating, it just is. Something is just missing.
It’s like I don’t have a connection to this body in a way. It’s
not me in pain, it’s this body, and therefore it’s not my
problem. I don’t know how else to put this, maybe after 2 years
of wandering in fog I can say something smarter about that.
In social situations, I’m not usually interested what people has
to say, especially when it’s somehow related in the herd-ish
life they have with a strong belief system. Sometimes I feel
like I’m ambushed in a social situation where someone wants
something from me, I guess it’s usually attention. For some
reason I don’t want to give it, maybe I sense, that they’re
trying to use me, well it leads to awkward situations when I’m
sitting there quiet, have no idea what to say, with a stupid
fake grin on my face. In a way, talking feels often very
hollow, empty, it just doesn’t feel like there’s point doing it,
especially with certain kind of people. Maybe it’s me who’s
empty. I’ve also noticed that sometimes I just don’t get things
in social situations. I've had some social accidents. Once, a
co-worker was at work for the last day, I asked her what plans
she had for the future, a bit small talk in work cafeteria I
thought. We ate together and she told about her plans, and then
I left without saying a thing. In my room I realized it would
have been polite to wish her good luck in her new job.
My work is pretty social and it takes a lot of energy to handle
it. I meet a lot of people with mental problems and surprisingly
I can find empathy with them. I see pretty well the patterns
that causes their suffering, my goal with them is to ease their
suffering by giving insight why they feel like it and give some
tools to find ways to live without resisting so much. I’m not
trying to wake them up though sometimes I’d love to give a good
slap on their face to get them out of their head. In a way I see
it as a game. I know I can’t make them get out of that misery,
but I can give them something, and play along. It’s like a
hobby.
People with strong belief system are difficult in social
situations, because there’s really not much to say to them. So
it’s best to just shut up. I find spiritual people the worst.
I agree about the autopilot. I used to procrastinate a lot. Now
I often just find myself doing stuff. Doing things doesn’t seem
to be so complicated anymore. In a way I’ve learned to mainly
trust that all necessary gets done. Pushing doesn’t help.
Autopilot works also partly with social situations. Sometimes
words just come out of my mouth and I have no idea where they
came from. Writing is weird too. Especially lately, I’ve just
witnessed how some hands are doing the writing, they are like
stranger’s hands, I don’t recognize them being my hands.
About reacting in situations my autopilot may swear and say some
things appropriate in that situation, but I don’t really feel
anything. I seem to react how I “should”, but without the
feeling. Today my cat threw up in bed and when I woke up to
prevent that (trying to get the cat quickly on the floor before
puking), I didn’t see in dark and put my hand in the wrong side
of the cat, got very smelly vomits on my arm, sheet and blanket.
Hubby was sleeping without waking up. Without getting pissed off
I got up, washed my arm, cleaned whatever I could, changed the
sheet on my blanket and went to couch and continued sleeping
there. Things just seems to be taken as they are. The only thing
that sometimes makes me pissed of is neighbours making alot of
noice, but that's pretty much the only thing.
I don't give that much value on my thoughts, because the
thoughts just don't have a value. Maybe that's why there haven't
happened that much thinking about these things and it makes it
all feel a bit foggy. I just realized that thinking about this
stuff has been so difficult, because the thinker is missing.
Thank you for writing about this stuff, it helps me to get some
clarity to all of this. I've found it very valuable. Thank you!
Love,
Kati
#Post#: 36993--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1055 Date: January 11, 2019, 1:56 am
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[quote author=Kati link=topic=1699.msg36992#msg36992
date=1547143745]
Not wanting and a missing will is totally different things.
[/quote]
Hope you don't mind me asking, Kati, but what exactly do you
mean by that?
I guess everything on this forum (since it's run by Jed) is
designed to confuse you, but this phrase didn't. Just made me
very curious.
Also, thanks for your post because it connected a lot of dots
for me. Now I'm close to seeing what Jed meant by "T/R is
ordinary". Back in the day I thought it's magic; now I just see
that it can be reduced to people missing a huge chunk of
behavioral patterns. Should've listened when I was told that T/R
doesn't improve anything. But now it's too late :[emoji23]
#Post#: 36994--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1170 Date: January 11, 2019, 2:39 am
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T/R is the most wonderful thing there is... It just Isnt special
or important because theres no entity there to be those
things... So... Its "Ordinary".
But even saying its ordinary is not totally accuarate, because
when you say this the receiver starts dwelling in the concept of
ordinariness, imagination, etc that just gets in the way...
The real answer is... "Get there by yourself"
#Post#: 36995--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1055 Date: January 11, 2019, 3:05 am
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Thanks for the quote from Jedargadatta McKennaj or whatever that
was, but the answer to what, dude? I don’t remember asking a
question on how to get there. Especially in the light of the
fact that there is no “there”. But why am I arguing, you’re
clearly just a conceptual illusion too.
;D
#Post#: 36996--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1170 Date: January 11, 2019, 3:13 am
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Yes, no one asked my opinion, but... I felt like talking...
#Post#: 36997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 11, 2019, 3:28 am
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@ Rambling Jack
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I don't think I've ever
heard of the term "de-personalization" before which you used but
it made me think of how anything two ego's think they have with
each other isn't really personal at all like people think it is
because all ego relationships are conditional. Relationships
are bound to change when you realize there really isn't anyone
home. I once looked across the room and saw that my own
children didn't even exist like I thought they did (just saw
right through them like they were phantoms, that was a wake-up
day) but my reaction was that I would have to take care of them
even more because they don't know what's going on and they are
just innocent to the whole thing. I think the parent thing is
built in because if it was anyone else, I could just walk away
without a glance or even a word if I felt I needed to go in
another direction. In fact, I feel like my children are the
only things holding me to the dream I'm in right now, like the
job and the mortgage and the maintaining of this imaginary home
but I don't see that "I" need to change anything about it. When
it changes it will change by itself, Consciousness on the other
hand feels deeply personal in that in every moment it is the
director of attention toward what I was actually meant to see
and in that way life has become more intimate, more personal and
ultimately more and more pleasant. Thanks for mentioning that.
Very helpful.
Love,
Sandra Anne
@Kati I think what I just said up above about being able to
walk away without a glance or a word might be the "coldness"
that you were describing. I think what it really is, isn't so
much coldness but the ability to be true to your own unique path
or destiny now that fear and the need to please others or fit
into anyone else's "picture" is gone. And society's standards
or measurements no longer apply to you, like you certainly don't
need to impress anyone anymore, who would you impress? ( I had
the funny thought that if everyone woke up the whole fashion
industry would go out of business rather quickly). Maybe now
you see the actual picture for the first time. Of course, I'm
talking in metaphors because you can't even say what it is.
Maybe, I can say it's freedom to go where you go without even
knowing or having to know where that is or how to get there.
I've noticed that people who are all ego are actually repelled
by me. There's something about me that really bothers them
though I might not say a word. I mostly come in contact with
them at work. I don't say a word to them because I can't even
do it, nothing comes out of my mouth. There seem to be varying
degree's of opening in people, like I can look into the eyes of
someone that society might call the "downtrodden" and just
immediately feel the warmth of their heart and our eyes might
meet for a moment in some kind of secret knowing, and we share a
smile. It's like their beauty just shines right out at me and
gets reflected back to them and visa versa. Very beautiful,
like a real gift.
Thanks for all your heartfelt letters.
Love,
Sandra Anne
#Post#: 36999--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1055 Date: January 11, 2019, 3:39 am
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[quote author=Escapist link=topic=1699.msg36996#msg36996
date=1547198017]
Yes, no one asked my opinion, but... I felt like talking...
[/quote]
Yeah, thanks for being genuine.
#Post#: 37008--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 11, 2019, 4:56 am
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I usually find ''thank you'' is sufficient for any utterance,
really. It's all totally devoid of meaning anyways... and thank
you all for your contributions.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 37010--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Kati Date: January 11, 2019, 8:19 am
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@Rambler_Dick
I hope I'm able to explain it. Not wanting is active, for
example:
I don't want to have/want/do something, because I just DON'T.
Will missing is like: I see it might be a good idea to do
something, but the will of doing it just isn't there. Actually
even will of wanting isn't there. Maybe it's because I just
don't see any point doing it.
Love,
Kati
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