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#Post#: 36969--------------------------------------------------
Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 8, 2019, 6:19 am
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Hi, My name is Sandra Anne. I have been reading and following
Jed for a few years now and while doing the Nav Series I felt
inspired to write. He encouraged me and must like my work
because he suggested publishing it on the forum. I was delighted
and am going to post one a week. It's kind of a stream of
consciousness on the unraveling of me. If you are here reading
this, then you were always going to read it, so don't ever
wonder if you are in the right place. Where ever you are is the
right place. That should be a relief. Likewise whatever
appears here just appears but nevertheless, welcome, my heart
goes out to you and I wish you the best in every conceivable but
mostly inconceivable imaginable way.
Love, Sandra Anne
You are welcome to share your thoughts in the thread.
"You think you're lost, but that's not true. You simply lived a
dream or two, you traveled all this way to find, you never left
your home behind. Home is a place in your heart, every journey
leads you back to where you start."
Already Home by Andrew Lloyd Webber
Chapter One
I'm not writing this, in fact, this writing is not even
happening, whatever words you think you are seeing here are not
really here, you can't read them and I can't write them. I am
literally just a figment of an imagination in the one dreamer as
are you so whatever I say here is not really being said. I
don't have to worry about what I say here because I'm not saying
it and nothing is being said, even so this writing appears to be
happening, even though it's not. This is probably the weirdest
way to start a book, if it is a book, which it isn't, there
aren't any books anyway, not like you think there are. Weird
isn't a thing either just another idea in the head that you
think you have, which you don't but don't worry, any worry you
have or have ever had is not real either.
That's the good news. This whole thing is actually good news,
if you can grasp it, you might find out that everything is
actually okay and always was and always will be. I suppose
that's why I try to say anything even when I don't. Trying is
not a thing either so don't even try to understand this, it is
what it is and that's all.
Never-the-less, here's the story.
I had a sad life for as far back as I can really remember. I
started crying, really crying, like when your heart is truly
broken, like how you cry when you know that no one in the entire
world loves or cares about you at all, like how it feels when
you think that there is something so terribly wrong with you
that no one could ever love you, totally forlorn crying, broken
hearted crying at around the age of thirteen. At fourteen I was
sure that I wanted to just die but I couldn't do it so I starved
myself in hopes that it would happen on it's own and just in
case there was someone who did or could love me there would be
time for them to save me, time for someone to rescue me right
before it happened. So I became both bulimic and anorexic and I
started drinking and life became more and more intolerable. I
don't need to go into it, just know that life sucked for me
from a pretty early age and that's how it started. I was,
however, wildly efficient and good at crying and though I
couldn't have known it at the time, it was probably this
blessing that saw me through.
Around the age of 18, I finally managed to get pretty thin and
oddly enough I started to feel better about things. I remember
thinking I didn't care anymore what anyone said or did after all
I could die so what would it matter and that thought actually
made me happy. Now when my parents yelled at me or during
whatever shit anyone was doing, I would think "go ahead, what do
I care, I'm probably not sticking around for much more of this
anyway." All of a sudden there was an innocence about me and I
became rather childlike, unable to make sense of my situation I
think I finally accepted it and somehow that freed me. To the
world, it would seem I had just given up and I had but my total
surrender brought relief and I was able to enjoy many simple
things again. I was no longer looking for the future to fulfill
me since I didn't see that I had one anymore.
Looking back, I don't think I was ever in any real danger of
actually physically expiring but it was bad enough that my
parents finally decided it was time to put me into some kind of
treatment and my happiness was short-lived. Probably my "I
don't give a shit anymore" attitude and my utter non-reactivity
was troubling to my parents so they sent me to this one month
treatment program which managed to normalize my eating for the
time I was there (then it just went right back). Nobody was
addressing my drinking so on our nights off, I went out and got
drunk.
Afterwards was a long draw out weekly therapy session with a
lady named Anne whom I rather liked and looked forward to
seeing. I don't really remember what we talked about other than
my family, traumatic events, and how I could learn to deal with
things better. She tried several times to bring my parents into
the discussion but that was a no go since my parents wanted no
part of it. My eating was back to being a mess and my drinking
was absurd for someone my age but you know it was what it was.
All hopes for me coming back to a resemblance of some kind of
normal life were squashed. Anyway after about a year with her,
everything rather suddenly came to a head so to speak and I had
something of a nervous breakdown or looking back now probably a
breakthrough. During this time, I became intensely fearful that
I might disappear. What I really thought would happen was that
my "I" as in my mind would somehow cease to exist and that I
would be completely unaware of the fact that I was gone.
Needless to say, I was drinking heavily as that was the only way
I could keep the fear at bay but on one night it was so severe
that I was certain that "I" as in my mind would die, it might
happen at any moment, it felt like it was very close to
happening. I was going to lose myself. I might go crazy and
not even know it that was my fear. It was so intense that I
simply became so utterly terrified that in the middle of a
snowstorm my mother actually had to drive to the emergency room
where I somehow explained the situation and I was given a
sedative and sent home.
On contacting my therapist Anne the next morning, an emergency
meeting was made for that or the next day. Now Anne was located
in the next city over which was about 100 mile drive because at
the time, eating disorders were so rare that no one where we
lived specialized in them. At any rate, both my parents drove
me to my appointment, which was odd because my father rarely (if
ever) went along and for a time I actually was driving myself,
but this time they were both in the car and during that drive I
tried to explain to them that I could "see" why everything in my
entire life had worked out exactly the way it had. I could see
how this event shaped this event and how this feeling about this
event had shaped my reaction about a next thing, on and on. It
was like I could see the whole thing had just followed a path
that naturally would have followed, I remember trying to
explain to my parents how nothing was anyone's fault and that
whatever happened just naturally happened on it's own according
to what it had to work with. My parents of course weren't
having it because I was saying things like "when you did this,
and I thought that, then that's why I did this" and they still
thought I was blaming them and they wanted me to see that
nothing was their fault, that they hadn't been a part of any of
it and that whatever misfortunes I had and whatever behaviors I
had were all of my own making completely fabricated by me. Long
story short, I was given a prescription at the meeting which
greatly relaxed me and my "vision" disappeared and I went back
to the way I was, misery intact.
What happened next isn't important (none of this is after all
it's just a story) but my life was on it's own trajectory and
according to what most people call "normal", it wasn't and never
will be. Suffering and fear were my base emotions through most
of it.
Fast forward 25 years, I'm now 43 years old and I have three
small children, and a husband who wanted nothing do with us and
had run off and I'm back to living at home with my parents. As
it happened, my son was attending kindergarten at the local
school and one of the parents of his classmates happened to
"mention" to me that she had seen a book at Walmart that day or
that week that "reminded" her of me. Now we were all in the
habit of sitting outside the school waiting for our children to
exit everyday and I do remember talking with this lady once
maybe twice on the lawn when the weather was nice but we were
hardly close friends and at best just acquaintances. Looking
back, I don't really remember thinking of myself as a
particularly "spiritual" person, I did think the whole religion
thing was a crock of bogus shit and I might have dabbled in
meditation a few times but as far I remember nothing really
stands out so why this lady thought of me when she saw "A New
Earth" by Eckhart Tolle for sale at Walmart and mentioned it to
me is just the way the universe works. It knows exactly what
you need when you need it. As it happens, I thought it so odd
that she thought of me at all that I immediately ran down to
Walmart and purchased the book. I think I did take it as a sign
that I was meant to read it so I guess that was kind of mystical
of me. I had to borrow the money, had to talk my mom out of $10
bucks which was no easy task, she had plenty of money but it was
"her" money and she had to think about whether I deserved it or
not, go figure, but I think she did give it to me or maybe I
stole it, either way I got the book straight away.
Anyway, I loved the book, really couldn't put it down and read
it in like 2 days, then I realized that I had checked out "The
Power of Now" about a month before from the library but I didn't
read it because I couldn't get into it. I had no idea what it
was talking about but even so something in me saw the pattern of
it all mainly that I was meant to read it though I didn't really
know why. I think it's safe to say I was in quite a bit of pain
at the time though this was a normal condition for me by then as
I've already said too many times. My parents were constantly
berating me, what a loser I was for marrying a loser and now
living with them. I was on food stamps which was literally the
only source of income I had had in quite some time. I hated
living with my parents but I had no where else to go. I hated
them too. I had for some time actually hated everything about
them, the pettiness of their characters, the total lack of even
the smallest amount of compassion for me seemed to go all the
way back to the day I was born. My parents were both from
Germany and their cold hearted nature had completely baffled me
all my life. Love and or forgiveness was not something I had
ever experienced, not by them, not for myself and not by anybody
else either but I had children now and I'd be damned if I would
ever let anyone lay a finger on them or hurt them in anyway. I
forgave my children for any and all misgivings, tantrums,
anything at all with a ferocity that you'd be hard pressed to
find anywhere. My father had once slapped my son across the
face, he was just a baby about 2 years old and I had attacked my
father with every riding toy in the room hurling them at his
head. Half eaten dishes sitting on the table were thrown,
missed and broken against the wall splattering food everywhere.
I was asked to move out after that and left to be homeless with
my children for a few months. Well, it hardly matters now but
the fucked up nature of the life I was living can not be
overstated.
Moving on, I was so enthralled by the teaching of Eckhart Tolle
that I must have looked it up online and found out that there
was a Meet-up Eckhart Tolle group nearby my home and I decided
to go. I had never been to anything like this before but on the
night in question my parents agreed to watch my children for me
while I got out of the house. Well long story short that's the
night it happened. That's the night I disappeared, completely.
Seriously, when I got back from the meeting and walked into my
parent's house I was no longer with us. The Sandra that I
thought I was my whole life up until that point in time was
gone. Sandra didn't even know she was gone so she wasn't
worried about it because how could something that was no longer
there worry about anything. The person was not there to do it.
In fact, although I seemed to know the place, after all I drove
home and knew how to get there, knew my parents and of course my
children and the house and things like that, I knew these things
but the "who" that knew these things was not there. It was like
the body was there and even the mind was there but the entire
history of this person was gone. I did not even know it but I
was in heaven. I had no judgement about anything at all,
nothing bothered me, I simply had no context for anything to
bother me, no context within to judge anything as being better
or worse than anything else, everything just was and what was
was apparently all right with me. I did not want anything else,
didn't need anything to happen or not happen.
For instance, two events still come to mind about this time.
One was when I got home from the meeting to find my mother drunk
and hurling cuss words at my father in the big living room with
my children just wandering around playing with their toys, they
were only 5, 4, and 3 years old at the time. Normally this
would have pissed me off to high heaven as I was hell bent on
giving my children a better early life experience than the one I
had but I literally could find nothing wrong with the situation
except that I possessed the thought to take my children out of
the whole thing and upstairs to the room we shared and put on a
movie so they couldn't hear it. This just happened naturally
and there was no worry involved about children being scarred or
traumatized. There was no thought that anything wrong was
happening or shouldn't be happening, no thought that my parents
were being horrible people and irresponsible, nothing like that.
About an hour later, my mother knocked on my door and we sat on
a small couch that was situated outside my room and I listened
for about an hour to her drunken venting about what a complete
asshole my father was. Now this wasn't a new behavior on her
part and had I been in my "usual" state she might have been met
with a "For God's sake, shut the fuck up and go to bed already."
Well, they say the apple never falls far from the tree.
However, I neither agreed nor disagreed with her, I think I
never said a word but she seemed to want me there so I sat there
with her completely unaffected, I neither cared what she said
and I had no caring whether I sat there or not. This went on
for a time until she went to bed and so did I.
The other event happened later that week, I was sitting at the
computer and for some reason my mother came into the room and
completely laid into me with every insulting remark you can
think of, basically cursing at me and ripping apart my character
from top to bottom. Once again, I just sat and stared at her, I
had no feeling one way or the other about any of her words, I
made no move to escape or to engage in my own defense. I was
simply not there to do it.
Other than that, I vaguely remember laying down to go to bed
each night with all my children cuddled around me and feeling
the most exquisite sensations I had ever had.
This went on for two weeks until for some reason it occurred to
me that I might want to stop smoking and so I tried to quit
smoking and just like that Sandra was back, and bam, so was
misery. I didn't know what happened, I had no background to
know what happened just that I liked the way that I was then and
now I didn't.
So that's how it all got going, not really, nothing is going
anywhere but let's pretend it is. It's not a pretty story but
it takes what it takes, anyway none of that really happened,
sometimes you get a nice dream (probably people with nice dreams
don't come here but you never know) and sometimes its closer to
a nightmare, either way you're fine. Well, you might not feel
fine, maybe you feel like shit, maybe you are sitting there
comparing and thinking "shit and I thought I had it bad" or
"that's nothing, my life was ten times worse." Either way, it's
all going to work out since you are literally dreaming, and
sooner or later you can't fail to realize that you were never
anywhere and nothing ever happened.
Unfortunately, the dream is basically all laid out for you in
childhood and the only reason it feels like a problem is that
you think it's real in the way everyone else does. Once you
know it's not things tend to go in a better direction. The one
thing I can say about my dream is that if some dreams are better
at making their dream characters go in search of the truth, mine
was exceptional. I couldn't have asked for a better story.
End of chapter
#Post#: 36970--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: breakup Date: January 8, 2019, 6:51 am
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That entire first paragraph of chapter 1 looks like something
pulled straight out of autolysis.
I can relate to the fear of disappearing. The other night i lost
my arm for a moment and I panicked. Tonight I wrote a line and
don't remember writing it. I think this is where all the writing
is going but of course nothing is going anywhere, no writer to
be found, anything written a made up context (and no context). I
can't even say for certain my arm vanished anymore. I dunno
#Post#: 36972--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 8, 2019, 8:02 am
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Keep looking, awareness is the ultimate solvent.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 36975--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: abrakamowse Date: January 8, 2019, 10:53 am
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Sandra, hi...
Thanks for sharing your story. Really cool. I think most of us
have a similar "story". I noticed lots of common things to what
happened to me.
The more similar I found what the part where you mention that
you saw how everything was in the correct place as it was
supposed to be. In my mind I remember seeing like a giant puzzle
with all my memories happening the way they happened because my
father die, so I did this... then something else happened and
that was why I behave in certain way... very clear. The only
difference is that I didn't talk to anyone about that.
That made me realize that the personality we "have" is not made
by us, but by the whole. The Universe, or whatever you wanna
call THAT.
And the biggest difference is that I didn't loose my identity so
strongly as you. In my case is still happening and very slowly.
I think is because I was so attached to my idea of myself, that
I went crazy went I realized that we don't exist.
I was in a mental hospital too, but now I know that it wasn't me
who was crazy... it was my idea of my I thought who went crazy
because It couldn't accept the truth.
Thanks!!!
#Post#: 36976--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1668 Date: January 8, 2019, 12:51 pm
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Hi Sandra Anne
I have mixed feelings.
On the one hand, you write sincerely.
On the other hand, I can't accept this story as a whole.
I'm sensing some kind of inconsistency.
The first two paragraphs of the first Chapter contain the
correct words. But it feels like you're just repeating it as a
learned lesson. They don't come from inside you.
Just my senses, nothing more than that.
Then I read further, and again there was some kind of
dissonance.
Maybe because if a person is indifferent to stories, he doesn't
describe everything in such detail and this way.
Maybe something else. Here I don't want to go to BS.
Anyway, thank you for your open heart. All the best to you.
#Post#: 36983--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 9, 2019, 1:16 am
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First of all, I would like to thank all of you for taking the
time to respond with your comments, they've all been very
thoughtful and also helpful.
I think the "fear" of disappearing is clearly of the ego and
it's probable that the organism was always meant to shed the ego
in adolescence but since no one else around us has done it, it's
frightening because we don't know that it's actually not needed
to function once we've learned what the basic elements of
survival are in our environment. Otherwise, we might actually
look forward to it and welcome it's happening. Of course, if
all the people around us had already done it, we would know what
to expect when it occurred and it would even be encouraged.
The 'vision" that occurs is one of seeing that you are not the
doer of anything and never have been. Call it random
circumstances or even chance how the dream unfolds from the
beginning but no one has ever behaved or done anything by their
own free will. All the conflicts of the dream revolve around
everyone believing that they are the "doer" and so is everyone
else. Once seen, total forgiveness and acceptance of yourself
and everyone around you becomes inevitable but up until then
your dream is like chain reaction and you are the reactor. So
all your character's behavior is reactionary to emotions and
thoughts and nothing more. You aren't creating them as you go
along, like you think you are, the flow of thoughts come from
the conditioning of your early environment. Losing the ego
means losing the conditioning and now you can really function
without impediment and just as consciousness. Who knows what
you might do? Probably, that's what this "free will" everyone's
so fond of talking about really is. Consciousness expressing
itself as itself and nothing more.
Once seen, it would be "validated" by all the other organisms
and you could all have a good laugh at whatever nonsense was
dreamed up by the ego but since it's not validated and seen as
"insanity" it's lost again as quick as it came because the
reinforcement for it was not there. For a moment, you've
forgiven everyone, seeing that it had to be the way it was
through no fault of your own or anyone else's but now everyone
thinks your just crazy and you need to take responsibility for
your behavior and life and so they convince you that that's a
nice lovely idea (and very convenient for you don't you know,
"Are you saying we should just forget everything that's happened
and just move on?, they might ask) but that's not the way it is.
Talking to anyone about it, even a therapist, won't help if
they haven't made the trip.
Of course, if it was "normal" for people to lose their egos in
adolescence, this little dream we're having would be a most
wonderful one and not contain the suffering you see now.
@Breathe. I find your sense of "inconsistency" curious because
this writing is clearly a tale by a fictional character. There
are actually a lot of 'inconsistencies" in the dream that we
conveniently overlook on a daily basis so if you "sense"
inconsistency in this story then you are correct. Perhaps you
can look for some and let me know what you find in your own life
or even in this story. I hope you will continue reading and
thanks for your comment.
Thanks to all of you,
Love Always,
Sandra Anne
#Post#: 36984--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1170 Date: January 9, 2019, 1:41 am
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Awesome Sandra
#Post#: 36985--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: guest1668 Date: January 9, 2019, 3:46 am
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[quote author=Sandraanne link=topic=1699.msg36983#msg36983
date=1547018219]
...let me know what you find in your own life...
[/quote]
Typical Jed's phrase.
I doubt you are really interested in this.
Other comments were positive. My comment contained doubt. And
you answered me separately. You have inner resistance hidden by
pious words.
But ... from your point of view, if I don't accept something in
your words, then because of my illusions.
OK.
#Post#: 36987--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Kati Date: January 9, 2019, 2:03 pm
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Dear Sandra Anne,
Thank you for the first tastes of your book and your post.
Once I read your post today, I noticed there something I had
been experiencing, but not being able to share it with anyone
for real. It seems that fear takes different forms and I didn’t
see it as fear before I read your post. I’ve been having
feelings and thoughts, that I’ve had to keep inside, because
they haven’t been exactly, what this society would like anyone
to think or feel like. I’ve become very cold, and if people
around me would have known what I was thinking and feeling, or
more accurately, what I wasn’t, they would have seen me as a
terrible person and sociopath. I learned to act, look like I’m
interested in their stupid stuff, though sometimes it’s still
difficult. I still act, that’s just the way it goes, things just
go smoothier that way. The whole thing became easier, when I
realized that lacking of warmth and social interest is just the
way I am now. It has also shown how things are so made up in
this world. It took a long time for me to get this new way of
being. I’ve spent many years in a fog and things just started to
appear in cellular level, slowly, bit by bit but I didn’t get
it, maybe because I was disappearing. After some time of this
cellular change and wondering why I see and feel things so
differently, I saw that my world looked like that, because there
actually wasn’t “me” anymore. That was the only explanation.
It’s strange how things just start changing, mind doesn’t get it
and therefore the whole thing is pretty difficult to be
processed either. It has taken me a long time to see what’s
going on, and I guess I’ll be doing that for the rest of my life
in this human-doll-form.
You mentioned “seeing” how things got triggered by some small
events and all that took everything to the way all is. It’s
wonderful to see that clarity. I’ve had some similar
experiences, it opens a whole new world and releases a lot of
burden.
I remember Jed ranting about thoughts and people been like
radiotransmitters or something like that. About a month back the
same thing came to my consciousness a bit wi(l)der. I’m not a
big fan of speaking about vibrations, it takes so quickly to new
age bs, but I saw that vibrations, different kind of frequencies
are all over this so called universe, and depending on the
channel one is on, one catches different things, like thoughts,
people’s behavior, and appearance of the world. And all that is
related on things happening certain way and leading to different
kind of outcomes. It was wonderful to see that actually
something that appears so complicated would actually be so
simple. That way seen, people are just antennas on certain
channels. I realized that I had been trying to be on the channel
I used to be, but I was on a new channel and it’s okay to be
there. I don’t have to be on many channels simultaneously,
because that’s what I had been doing and it took a lot of
energy. I can still see and hear what happens on the other
channel, but I don’t have to be there. Realizing this
channel-thing made me see that it had happened because I wasn’t
the same I used to be, like I wasn’t the being I used to be. I
still don’t know what I am, but I know what I’m not, and I find
that very valuable.
Love,
Kati
#Post#: 36990--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sandra Anne's New Book (currently untitled)
By: Sandraanne Date: January 10, 2019, 5:30 am
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@ Kati
Thank you so much for your letter. I loved hearing about your
experience with the social aspect. I don't know if I ever
thought of myself as "cold" really just totally uninterested. I
mean at first I felt I really had to dis-identify with the
others because I felt their ego was trying to engage mine and
basically since everyone is acting from the belief that this
consensual reality is real and I was trying to see through my
own delusion , it wasn't helpful to me to carry on
conversations. Also, really after any interactions I just felt,
I don't know what to call it, the word "wrong" comes to mind or
maybe "untrue" works. Well, it wasn't a pleasant feeling at all
(like I was missing) so I've stayed to myself most of the time
except that I have children and I can easily relate to them
without issue.
I think the most disturbing aspect is my utter unbelief at the
fact that anyone is able to settle for what is called "a normal
life" or even accept that "this is it", this is what life is but
I guess if the thought or opportunity doesn't arise in you then
it just doesn't arise. Sometimes I feel like I'm "acting" with
my children or I might say things that I know I can't really
know just to create a sense of well being for them but where I'm
apparently willing to do that for them, I'm not much of a
talker with anyone else. Probably, I just listen and maybe say
"well, don't worry it will all work out one way or another"
because I know things are just appearing and disappearing just
as fast and nothing is really happening. Of course, whatever I
might say, is just arising as well and I don't feel like I have
anything to do with it. Compassion actually arises quite often
for me but when it doesn't well it just doesn't. I work in a
semi hostile environment as you'll find out as the book
progresses, so when people are upset and attacking, sometimes
what arises is nothing. I just stare at them and don't say a
word, like just nothing. That's weird but if no words arise
then there's just silence and that seeems to be more awkward for
them then for me.
I think in some ways the body is also just on auto pilot, and
the conditioning continues, for instance, I still find myself
getting in my car and driving to work at the right time. Like
where ever I find myself is where I find myself and what ever I
say is whatever I find myself saying. Writing seems to appear
the most, go figure. Things do change like you say though.
That's good news.
Thank you again for your letter. This is actually the first
time I've ever had the chance to relate to anyone else who knows
though I know I'm only talking to myself, and I don't really say
anything which feels new and really quite nice at the same time.
Love,
Sandra Anne
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