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#Post#: 38--------------------------------------------------
syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: August 27, 2014, 6:01 am
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Hi Jed. Sorry for my sloppy english. I only have one question:
For ****ing what?
I probably still somehow believe, still expect in some hidden
way, that I might get something out of this. I’m still not
honest enough, I still feel like I might find something, rather
than the one that is searching disappears. Or does he?
Something like that cannot be wanted nor expected, can it? But
sometimes it hits hard – this very strange reality – that even
at this very moment there is no-one here that might disappear.
There really isn’t anyone, but still this whole structure
stands. Structure that is making “me”, that is standing on the
empty abyss of life living itself, being sustained just by
another part of this structure and being constantly reinforced
by the effort to get rid of it.
Staring into this abyss haven’t brought longed-for demolition,
so there is probably no other way than hiring bunch of hobos (or
Jed) and taking the **** down one screw at the time. Can I even
decide to do this?
The strangest of it all is that it’s absolutely useless. It
really doesn’t matter at all... I’m no more than an ant that
feels like everything circles around him and that he’s the
leading role in this theatrical performance. But I’m not. I’m
nothing – less than nothing. How the **** could I matter? Not
being emo or anything, it's just obvious, which makes all my
writing selfish, redundant and ridiculous.
Feeling of being somebody, which is “me”, somewhere overheard
that if he stops having a feeling of being somebody and sees
that he’s nobody, he’s gonna feel better.
It seems though, that this effort of this guy called “feeling of
being somebody (FOBS)” to become nobody is exactly what is
keeping FOBS’s hands tightly on the tiller.
Feeling of being somebody, therefore, doesn’t really want to
become nobody – because it can’t. It can only vanish, die, stop
existing, which will put steering wheel to nothing’s hands. How
that would look I cannot know and FOBS cannot ever know. They
are mutually exclusive – something and nothing.
This feeling of being somebody isn’t actually anything real,
it’s just a feeling. How reality is now is how it’s gonna be no
matter how little ant feels about it. It's pathetic.
The only real motivation I see is to stop feeling bad. I don’t
give a **** about truth. Why don’t I just kill myself?
Why this slow agonizing suicide that’s been going on for years
now? It's been here ever since, after prolonged stages of
depression and rainbow spirituality and christianity to patch
the pain, accidentally falling into some kind of blissful unity
consciousness . It lasted for weeks and its taste lasted for
years, after misintrepreting it as enlightenment and trying to
get it back lead me to nonduality and all that jazz. After going
deeper and seeing that what I tought of as highest possible
state was just a ****ing toy, after stumbling upon few messages
that wiped me off on the spot for some time (UG mostly), I don't
even know what I really want. I don't see any point. Even all
that Jed writes is ultimately just another hearsay for all that
I know, he says it himself that one must go see for himself, so
there really is nothing to it but to do it, is there? I know was
always afraid to go see for myself, so I was always looking for
someone that might describe what he sees so well I won't have to
go myself.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not depressed anymore, I don't hate
life, I still mostly enjoy life, but this ****ing thing is on my
mind for years now, everytime things get quiet, which is most of
my awake time, since I seem to have some sadistic need to seek
these moments out. I prefer being alone, yet it hurts, because
this thing starts moving deep inside without my contribution.
It's tiring.
I think I don’t fundamentally care about truth. I'd love to say
I do to look like a really passionate and spiritual and honest
seeker, yet I don't think I do. How can I care about something I
know nothing about? Another pretence. But little nice illusions
doesn’t supply me enough good feelings anymore. They are not
enough. So I’m driving deeper and deeper without any passion to
do so, without knowing what the goal may really be, because I'm
not big on beliefs anymore, and every description of what may
come is nothing other than belief at this point. That petty
selfish motivation stays practically same - I would probably
never give a **** about all this if I felt gooood.
Does all this search come down to wanting "chemicals that brain
creates and interpret as pleasant"? Is this what's driving me? I
never did drugs, maybe I should.
They say that with all the bad the good falls away as well. If
that is so, I don’t really have a clue where I’m going. Why do I
want it? I probably don’t. I don’t really know what I want and
where I’m going and what lies ahead is only story I heard from
someone else.
Am I just a puppet in some painful process that isn’t aware of
its strings? Is this where all this resistance stems from?
Feeling of struggle, exhaustion? What is going on?
I did lots of things. It all lead to consciousness of the
strings – no free will – life just flows – I see this clearly
when I look. I know it’s the way life works. There is no space
for me in this flow, that would always be too late. Still,
nothing really changed. Seeing that there is nobody inside the
puppet that is controlling it and is responsible hasn’t changed
a fact that it is still a ****ing puppet on strings going
through painful process and has feelings like everything lies on
its little wooden shoulders and that it MAY do something about
it. It feels like it may do something, but it can’t. No wonder
it feels crushed.
Everything is just happening. Who’s the one having a feeling of
being a doer? Where is he? How does he work? What does he want?
Why does he want what does he want?
Not only that – I’m not only the puppet that's not in control of
the way to the goal - I’m the puppet that doesn’t even know what
its goal is. Mostly it just resists and suffers the flow.
Sometimes I feel this - not even fear, but this anxiety. I'm not
really afraid often anymore, it's just this little ****ing
agitation and worry over stupid things. That's what I hate the
most. I love thinking of death, it puts me constantly at ease,
but I hate even the idea of going through some useless bull****
at work. What the hell?
I think that the only reason for this useless feeling is that it
maintains the continuity of the entity inside. That's why I feel
like being "me", like I have to strive and not mess things up,
like life won't be flowing without my effort, like I have to
keep it going strongest at the very moments when "something is
at stake", mostly when dealing with other people, which is pain,
given they're mostly full of shit. At these times, there is this
feeling of me efforting, that I'm highly in control. But what
could really be lost? What's at stake? Plus I know I have no
control when I look, so it's just ridiculous.
Life had to have a meaning for one to be able to mess up and not
fulfil it, but I don't really see any. If life has no meaning,
if all there is is just every minute when we're either afraid or
living, if therefore living itself is the meaning, then fear
coming from the feeling that something else it at stake is the
only thing that opposes the meaning of life.
The only reason not to enjoy what I don't want is fear. The only
reason why I don't want something in the first place is also
fear, isn't it?
Fear of what?
#Post#: 41--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 10:33 am
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Dear Syrian:
Thanks for sharing. Don't worry about your English. Could you
hone it down to a question or a particular issue. Please put
some thought into this. If your really don't have anything, then
maybe now is not the time for this. Let me know.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 47--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: August 27, 2014, 11:27 am
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Sorry for so much babble, I'll give it some time and focus and
reply if something comes up.
And Jed - thanks for writing that books of yours. I'm glad to
have found them.
#Post#: 328--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: September 1, 2014, 3:13 pm
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Hey Jed. I saw on the other forum that you've reached max number
of threads on this one.
I still have no good question - everything solid and promising
looks foolish the next day. Trying to come up with something
clever just to keep the thread going seems meaningless, even
though what I've just written might be an attempt to do just
that.
Maybe this really isn't the time - I have so much writing ahead
of me to plunge through the bull**** and there may not be any
serious questions for a long time. But maybe it looks that way
only because I haven't even set sail yet. Bull**** is all I seem
to have to offer and that may not be what this forum is for.
Everything I write seems like little emo girl's diary about
being hurt by her boyfriend after being out in the open. Even
all of this will tomorrow seem just like that, even though it
feels so... right at the moment. (not really, it already feels
like bs) If it's not turtles, but emo bull**** all the way down
without any real core, well that's something I may look forward
to.
Feel free to delete this one and make space for someone who's
serious about it. I don't seem to be. The other forum might be
more fitting for me, but I had no luck registering, it just says
it's pending approval.
Bye, thanks.
#Post#: 329--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 1, 2014, 3:22 pm
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Dear Syrian: I wouldn't worry about deleting your thread. Why
not just leave it as is and you can return to it should the
desire move you. I feel better leaving a door open when someone
has the courage to knock. Up to you though. Love ya, Jed. (is
your last name 'Rue'?).
#Post#: 698--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: September 6, 2014, 12:49 pm
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Hi Jed.
I have no last name name, but I really am full of useless pity.
After only few pages it's pretty obvious this is what I
should've been doing all these years... SA is how things gets
done for me. I've been floating in this non-dual sphere for
years, repeating there is nobody to do anything, making fun of
people that didn't sing the same song and all the while hoping
that !I! will get lucky and... I don't even know what I was
hoping for. Just some vague image of happiness I guess.
I wasn't staring into an abyss of no-self, I've been staring at
other people's descriptions of their experiences, which may have
also been, in many instances, just descriptions of their looking
practices over shoulders of others.
All this Unleashed Ruthless-ness was a detour, or more like a
dead end. I'm not saying it was an absolute waste of time, some
baggage got dropped for sure, but it's time to move. It doesn't
matter whether there is anybody or not - the only thing that
matters is whether the shit gets done and this "no-me", even
though there probably is no real me, was just a belief for me
that got used to excuse my sorry lazy ass from moving an inch.
So fuck that. I am me again.... until not, if ever. What a
relief!
Back to my cellar. It feels like doom 3, I thought I was much
more cozy inside.
#Post#: 713--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 7, 2014, 1:55 am
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Good insights. You are describing that most searchers are doing.
At least you have some idea of what you are doing. NOW, what are
you going to do that that???
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 885--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: September 9, 2014, 8:18 am
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Lots to vomit with many errors, sorry:
The subject of releasing a tiller has been coming to me lately
again and again.
I believed I understood it pretty well, but I didn't of course.
The initial motive has always been egoistic, eg. some desire to
satisfry the ego was believed and not even doubted and this
concept of "releasing the tiller" became just a method of
achieving it.
Ego said: getting this, achieving or understanding that would
have such and such effect, so now I'll achieve it by not doing a
thing to get it.
No wonder it doesn't work. Letting this thing go for now.
What's pretty new is this higher overview perspective over
arising things that I instantly and automatically used to
identify with, that I've taken to be myself. Little, but
persistent patterns of thought that were never before seen for
what they were. It caught my focus totally, now they just pass
and leave it kind of unobscured. Mostly just crazy petty
thoughts that make me miserable as soon as they appear.
The strange thing is that I have no idea if there's anything
other constituting "me". Is this all I am? These useless energy
patterns I spend my life force on, is this it?
I'm trying not to believe the answer others gave, which seem to
be "yes", I'm trying to be sceptical, but it really seems so. No
real me, only lies, shaky, weak, nothing solid. The nonexistence
of self seems frightening for the first time. Will there remain
anything I've called "me" all my life? It's scary. It always
used to feel really good, like it will "clean" me somehow, like
if seeing there is no me has the potential to make me superior
in some way. Oh, the irony. But...
nothing's really left when done, is there, Jed? It's not
afterlife in heaven, it's true death.
There are no illusory and true aspects of identity, the whole
thing is illusory. It's Maya all the way down. I feel like a
broken piece of apparatus that can never percieve truth.
These patterns are there for as long as I can remember. Do I
deal with one after the other as they come, or is that a stall
tactic and standstill against going to the real core of
illusion?
For example: Do I want to spend my time on illuminating why I,
despite projecting pity on the outside, feel good when I compare
myself with someone that's "worse off" in one aspect or another
and feeling bad when compared with someone better? There seems
to be hundreds of such things, most of which I'm surely not yet
aware of. Do I kill one after the other, or just focus somewhere
else? Is this the right way? Is this THE way? I don't know
whether this really can come to an end, whether the burning in
me is enough to ever finish this, but be it as it may, I need to
kill it as soon as possible. What's the alternative? Going back
doesn't seem to be possible even if I wanted. I already spent
most of my life on feeding the illusion, third of my lif
thinking I was killing it, which was the most insidious part of
them all.
Do I continue, or did I turn it into some kind of making myself
better though analyzing my personality mistakes newage bull****?
Is this the moon, finger? Thank you!
#Post#: 897--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 9, 2014, 2:02 pm
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Dear Syrian:
One question please. 25 word limit. Take your time.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 1459--------------------------------------------------
Re: syrian
DIR By: syrian
Date: September 20, 2014, 1:38 am
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No question. Stuck stuck stuck for more than a week. Feeling
like shit, anxious, "so-what"-ing the hell out of it, breathing
deep, or trying to. Still sucks tho... so what?
Every time I'm trying to write, I feel like hitting the armor
and instantly bouncing back, focus quickly disappears, cannot go
deep, cannot find any chink. I'm tired. Disappointed after huge
relief from the inquiry that ended with last post. I did
"feel-good" thing from this again, didn't I, aarrrgh.
Between reading Waking Up by Harris that completed the death of
"there's nothing to do/no one to do anything" mentality that I
was stuck in for so long, came up with this formula, which of
course is another waste of time and useless stop, but feels good
when clicked on intellectual level after so many years of not
making any sense at all:
All questions come from believed in answers. (as UG well said)
Serious scrutiny disintegrates all questions.
Therefore, scrutiny gets one rid of all beliefs - answers.
I is just a bundle of beliefs.
=>scrutiny kills I
Cannot scrutinize lately, cannot focus. I'm all over the place.
No questions, I'm sorry.
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