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#Post#: 34671--------------------------------------------------
Checking in
DIR By: davidb
Date: May 9, 2018, 1:35 pm
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Hi Jed! I've listened to all your audiobooks, and feel like I'd
like to reach out and thank you.
I'd say I'm miles from human adulthood, to say nothing of
abiding nondual awareness. And after what I heard you say about
the excruciating process and the pointlessness of getting to it,
I don't thing I even want to.
That being said, I feel quite a bit like Lisa in the third book.
I was living in LA, married, doing the tech industry rat-race,
chasing the carrot of success/money/parental validation, an
active member in a Buddhist organization. In short, I did a lot
of Ayahuasca ceremonies over a several year period, and was
experientially shown stuff that completely gels with everything
you say in your books. I found myself (it doesn't feel like I
really DID it, but more that it just HAPPENED) leaving my wife,
leaving LA, abandoning my Buddhist practice, and now I'm living
in Mexico - sometimes painting, sometimes surfing, eating lots
of fish tacos, playing music, and for the most part enjoying the
moments and not sure what's next.
Of course Ayahuasca showed me some heightened states,
psychedelic fireworks, dimensions, the illusion of time, etc.
but I realize all that stuff comes and goes. What it showed me
that stuck was such extreme states of the consciousness that I
could see the dream for what it was, and see what remained
throughout it all. And something changed in me, permanently, I
think. Experientially, most of the time, I just feel like a
human doing human stuff, but mentally, I am always aware this is
just the dream, and consciousness is doing its thing, pretending
to be David.
One of the big things that went away is my motivation - any deep
sense of ownership of my actions, be it pride or shame for doing
something, and any sense that it ultimately matters. Like you
say in your books, when an impulse to do something arises, I do
it, and if it doesn't, I don't... though I can tell there is a
lot of residual beliefs/behavior patterns that still operate
through me.
So I'm not sure where I'm at really. I'm sure I'm not "done",
but I feel like I'm just part of a process happening now. You
are emphatic that the process of waking up is very intentional
and requires great effort. That's not me. Probably as a result
of the plant medicine I have taken, I tend to see the awakening
process like a ripening fruit. When it's ready, it will fall
off the vine - it won't need to ripped off.
In your last conversation with Lisa, you had a desire to steer
her away from getting "stuck". This gave me some concern, and
gave me the desire to check in with you about myself. I'm sure
my question is coming from a childhood need for an outside
authority, but nonetheless, if possible I'd like to ask what
read you get on me as to where I'm at. I'm happy to provide
more info about me or my experiences if you need more to get
where I'm at, but I didn't want to overdo it.
Thanks Jed.
#Post#: 34673--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 9, 2018, 8:49 pm
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Hi David:
Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum. First of... forum
rule: 200 words max... no harm, but next time shorten it up.
Now, my read on you: What's the problem? What do you want to
change? What are you expect from this non-you? I don't ''get''
that anything is wrong... other than the observation that you
might thing that your vine experience are/were real. I am pretty
''familiar'' with those. They can appear to be what they are
not. Anything that you experience is not ''It'' because ''It''
does not fall into the category of experience. They are like
sparkling distractions in a Christmas ornament shop... you don't
want the bauble, you want what's in the back room.
Sounds like you are leading a most pleasant human experience.
Nothing wrong with that at all.
Task one, figure out what you want... then we can talk further.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 34676--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: davidb
Date: May 9, 2018, 10:19 pm
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Thanks for the quick response, Jed. I'll keep it shorter from
now on.
I get that everything I experienced in Ayahuasca was just dream
stuff. It was experiencing such an extreme spectrum of dream
stuff that helped me recognize that it was all still illusion,
and helped me see past form to pure awareness.
I can't say I really "want" anything per se. Like Lisa, I
turned my life as I knew it inside-out, and landed where I am
now. You felt inclined to give her some tips so she didn't get
stuck, as so many do after a first awakening. I'm certain I
don't have abiding nondual awareness like you, but I do have a
sense that I saw through it all, and am now in some process of
transformation/shedding.
My question is: If there's no me, just the churning wheels of
the dream state (maya?), then won't the impulse to awaken just
arise in the "me" character when it's ready to? According to
your books, this process is a very intentional act of will. For
me it seems more an act of grace, arising in consciousness, like
the ripening of fruit. Does believing that make me stuck?
#Post#: 34678--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 10, 2018, 2:37 am
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Intention, bluebird of happiness crapping on your birthday
cake.. act of ''God''... nothing at all is written in stone. It
sounds like you have created enough momentum and focus that this
could well be left to take care of itself.... and if you sense
you need a push sometime in the future, just right now may not
be that time... then again..
Maybe it's time you get you head out of your .... and do
something worthwhile for a change... throw yourself into this
like it is the last thing on earth... you might be dead
tomorrow. A few days ago my favorite Indian restaurant blew up
(I'm not joking), a gas leak.... could that be you .. here today
enjoying a burrito and poof, not much left. In my not very
humble opinion, full blown self-realization (T/R) is the only
reason you appeared in this dream... don't waste it, or do, no
big deal.
Love ya, either way...
Jed.
#Post#: 34680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: davidb
Date: May 10, 2018, 3:24 am
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Hahaha! You rock, Jed! Thanks. I'm laughing but also take
what you say to heart. Let me sit with your response a bit.
I grew up as unconscious as can be, and credit psychedelics,
Ayahuasca in particular, as the tools/vehicle for assisting me
in the wake-up process. Personally, I can't imagine getting
anywhere without them. But who knows... (I also know to leave
the canoe on the river bank once you've used it to cross).
You mentioned some familiarity with Aya. I get the feeling
you're not a big fan. Out of curiosity, have you done it, and
if so, before or after your awakening?
No need to answer if you have more urgent posts to attend to,
but I'd love to hear if you feel like expounding. I guess I'm a
little star-struck... it's like Santa writing me back. ;)
Either way, thank you, and love ya too!
#Post#: 34700--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: davidb
Date: May 11, 2018, 2:07 pm
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Hey Jed, I just wanted to report a keystone breakthrough I had
the night after I received your response. I dreamed I was
basically the Incredible Hulk, with incredible strength and
rage. I got into a fight with an old childhood friend, and
realized I was afraid to hurt him with my incredible strength.
I woke up breathing hard with adrenaline in my veins.
It all clicked for me, that since I was young, I was
taught/learned/chose to repress my rage and physical power. My
best friend since birth was much smaller than me, so I couldn't
hit him when he teased me. Same thing with my younger sister.
And there were a whole litany of other scenarios where I was
taught that physical expression of rage was unacceptable. So I
suppressed the emotion, lost all the power that comes with that
energy, and learned other ways to cope in the world: be smart,
be a people pleaser, play the victim, etc. This repression has
manifested as chronic tension in my lower back, hamstrings,
neck, and has VEXED me for all of my adult life.
For whatever reason the cause has remained hidden from me for so
long, including many ayahuasca ceremonies, I have no idea. But
it was revealed that night (without psychedelics) and I finally
feel I have access to healing/forgiving/releasing that and
reclaiming my masculine power.
Granted, it's all dream stuff, but from a human adulthood
standpoint, it's epic. So for whatever role you played in that
transpiring, I thank you!
Blessings, Jed!
#Post#: 34702--------------------------------------------------
Re: Checking in
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: May 12, 2018, 1:15 am
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Hi David:
Thanks for your post. I won't go into my ''experiences'' in this
venue, but trust that it is sufficient and in addition I have
made many observations of friends, acquaintances and students
who have partaken. The ''net'' result, let me say the positive
weighted against the negative, is that it causes considerably
more confusion as opposed to positive gains. Iboga is much
better and practical in that regard, IMHO.
Sounds like an interesting ''learning'' dream. A strange thing
about my dreams post T/R is that they are pure entertainment, no
fighting, anxiety, monsters, evil masters of the universe, all
my night dreams are shear entertainment, play, folly, fun...
darnedest thing.
My suggest is that when you really get serious about this
venture you will just not be drawn to drugs of the mind altering
kind.... and one of the worst of those is coffee.... no kidding.
Love ya, Jed.
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