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#Post#: 33811--------------------------------------------------
Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 23, 2018, 2:38 pm
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Hi.
My very first post.
At the moment the saying that "words are the lies that we use to
describe the truth" reflects how I feel a lot of the time - the
words/thoughts feel like an unnecessary cover on top of this
calm, dark emptiness I feel inside. I haven't felt like that
since forever (or maybe ever) so it feels nice. But my mind then
gets bored and the "search" resumes but it is less intense than
before. My search started with a huge depression a few years ago
when I realised that nothing outside of me makes me happy. I
then questioned what I knew to find out what is true and it led
to a realisation that EVERYTHING is a belief that cannot be
verified (at least not via the senses I have access to) and my
depression deepened as I decided that life is meaningless. I
then heard about non-duality and loved the concept and tried to
find who I am.
I've done a lot of stuff since (e.g. facing my shadow etc) and
surly enough I am more content with my life, a lot more honest
about how I feel, a lot less scared about what others may think
about me and a lot more discerning about the stories and
projections my mind runs. However, I have not realised the Truth
and I believe that changing my personality/thought processes
makes life more comfortable but it has nothing to do with the
Truth. I do not know what to do because at the moment it feels
like whatever I do just leads me further away from whatever that
is I am looking for. I think I may be, on some level, waiting
for "the final experience" and that's why I am missing out. Like
I said, any thoughts/words feel like a lie and at the same time
I still do not know the Truth.
#Post#: 33815--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 23, 2018, 10:51 pm
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Dear A:
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. You have been
doing well, perhaps better than you know. Yes, T/R does have a
certain plainness to it. Your goal of experiencing non-duality
is the result of some over-sales. It's a symptom and not the
disease. Anything you use as a filter/expectancy is sufficient
to hide the nature of Truth and T/R.
I suggest you stop ''waiting'', relax, breathe and just be with
what arises to you. Both you and any arising is dream material.
but there is some ''thingy'' that it is all occurring in. Look
for what isn't....
Best wishes, Jed
#Post#: 33827--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 24, 2018, 5:10 am
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Hi Jed,
Thank you very much for your reply.
I have meditated on your “instructions” to stop “waiting” and
wrote the thoughts and questions that were coming up. The last
one was “How do I stop my mind from looking for the Truth in the
dream?” and then I had to laugh because I realised that you
already gave me my answer: “Look for what isn’t..” I will do
that and see what comes up next.
Again, thank you!
#Post#: 33829--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 24, 2018, 12:16 pm
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Cheers....
#Post#: 33833--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 24, 2018, 2:01 pm
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So I gave my mind the task to look for what isn't. And it tried,
it really did! lol And then it got super super frustrated! And
then I saw it very clearly that NOTHING that can be perceived,
however subtle, can be the Truth. Physically I experienced it as
a relaxation and spaciousness - that's how I often experience a
falling away of/seeing through beliefs. I have a sense that it
is my "waiting" for an experience of the Truth that fell away
or, at least, lost some of its stickiness.
I also I saw that mind is part of the phenomenal world and
EVERYTHING that can be perceived or experienced is part of the
same phenomenal world too and has nothing to do with the Truth.
This insight brought a relief and also a sense that I can enjoy
this world/dream! And also an awe that it exists at all!
I also realised that I was somehow resentful at the world/dream
because it couldn't/wouldn't show me the Truth - this resentment
seems to have also fallen away (at least for now) giving way to
an influx of energy that felt like gratitude and excitement. I
had this thought, that it is like asking a dog to meow and
getting resentful that it doesn't:-) A dream is a dream and the
Truth is the Truth and the latter ain't in the former.
I still don't know what the Truth is but what I seem to have
realised deeply today that it is not in anything that can be
perceived and that's a relief. Further..
#Post#: 33837--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 24, 2018, 9:56 pm
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Dear A:
Thank you for making my day. Wonderful work.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 33848--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 25, 2018, 10:50 am
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Thank you very much for your support, Jed!
When I woke up today I had this insight that the dream character
CANNOT wake up. I did some lucid dreaming in the past and that's
the analogy that came to mind - when I became lucid in my
dreams, the character I projected did not wake up or somehow
could perceive the dreamer, it just knew that it wasn't real and
therefore could have fun in a world without limitations. I think
my mind wants to "touch' and objectify the Truth and it cannot.
Just like the dream character could not "touch'/perceive the
dreamer in any way. However, I can feel that the
"searching'/"wanting to objectify" momentum is still there even
if it is less sticky - it's like it became a habit. So my sense
is that my next step is to observe whenever the mind moves
towards that particular groove and use the tools I've learned so
far to unlearn that habit and then see what happens. Further...
#Post#: 33850--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 25, 2018, 5:02 pm
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OMG I see it!! I am NO-THING appearing as THINGS and then
somehow identifying with some of those things (a body/mind
mechanism or rather a bundle of sensations, sounds and thoughts)
but not others... Jesus Christ.. How f****** simple and
obvious!!! Further..
#Post#: 33852--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: Jed McKenna Date: January 26, 2018, 12:25 am
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Great first step... now.. how far can you go?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 33857--------------------------------------------------
Re: Newbie
By: AZS Date: January 26, 2018, 3:01 am
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When I focus on your question, Jed, what comes is that, at this
point, there is no choice really. On the NO-THING level any idea
of movement/choice of any movement is just that, an idea that
is utterly meaningless. On the phenomenal level, it appears that
a process is happening and it is happening spontaneously i.e.
the character does not have a choice and is just going through
motions. The best way I can describe this process is a
deconstruction of identification with the character. What has
been seen yesterday is that the mental and emotional construct
of who I believed I was (i.e. a separate individual) has been in
this process of deconstruction for a while. The most sticky
point, for me, was the belief that I am the body - no matter how
much I tried I could not see past that one. Yesterday, it has
been seen that there was a belief that in order to exist there
must be identification of some sort but turns out that THAT
which is, just is and no object is needed for it to be (this is
the best I can describe this at this point). That is when the
body was seen as another object rather than the subject. So this
morning, as part of this ongoing process, what has been seen
that the belief/idea "I think" is completely superfluous because
thinking just arises from that nothingness/void/emptiness and
there is no thinker and has never been.
So at this point the answer to your question is that the sense
is that "I" can go until the deconstruction is complete and
after that I truly do not know the answer (at least not yet).
Thank you for your question, Jed - it had me see more clearly
the process that has been in motion. Further...
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