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#Post#: 3116--------------------------------------------------
Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: October 21, 2014, 1:22 pm
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Dear Jed,
I was struk by the conversation you have with biisuto. Your
reply "let's cut to the chase.. you know because i am you" made
a fire burn. No more hiding, no more beating around the bush. I
want to "come out". I know what this is about, i KNOW. I am so
tired of going on the way i have been doing up till now. It is
living life in futility. I want to scream and be angry, violent
even to destroy that which keeps me small. But i know its ME.
It's me that keeps me small and there is no one that i can
blame. There is no solution in waiting, in compromising. I know
that writing this to you won't help in the sense that i can tham
wait for your help. It's like it's now or never. I have to speak
out.
2 years ago you replied on my first and only post. "No one knows
when the nickle will fall into the slot. Just keep doing what
you're doing". That was encouraging. I kept doing SA for a
little while, visit my teacher in Holland. And gradually i fell
asleep again. And now reading your conversation with Pink Mist
gave me a jolt.. I do not want to sleep. I do not want to spend
my life in futility. I want to be clearly awake! Do you hear me?
My god i am angry. And sad. But that doesn't matter. I do not
want to be distracted with any of the personal stuff that is
coming up. Voices now start chattering about how stupid it all
is what i write. I know everything the voices are saying, i have
heard them say over and over again what they say. They did not
help one bit. They are the distraction!! My god why am i writing
all this to you. What do i expect from you Jed. I know this
outpouring is useless and will not affect in the least the Truth
of who i am. I can not expect anything from this writing. I can
not advance in any way. So why the *** am i writing? What do i
expect?
I have been 9,5 years with my teacher and i haven't seen him in
the past months. I felt sick with the authority i had given him.
He then told me to not put my authority in him but neither in
me. It felt like a relief and it felt true. But now i don't know
what it means. And i know it to be meaningless. Whatever one
says or whatever can be thought is childish in the light of
truth. Truth has no authority. Truth has no sangha, truth has no
voice, truth does not invite someone in, truth is.. I can nbot
write what truth is and i do not know what to write to you Jed
because jou Know. And i am you.
Now a voice says Yeah but in Jed it is realized and in you it is
not, in you it is not solid. I know there is no truth in the
voice or in any voice, text, guru. I know. How do i end this?
How to come out clear i want to ask to myself? What do i expect
from you who is me? Why do i keep talking to myself? What do i
expect?
#Post#: 3132--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 21, 2014, 11:19 pm
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Dear Mat:
Thank you and welcome to the forum. Please keep all posts to 250
words or less. Less is always better because you have to think
more to manage it.
So, I get a lot of questions and confusion coming from you,
true??? You want this, and you want that, an answer to this and
answers to that? Don't we all. But it's much more simple than
that.
You are in illusion and making up illusory questions. If I tried
to answer them I too would be in doo doo. So, make up any answer
you want and pretend that it is God talking, cause it just might
be. When you realize that this is all you have ever done, then
YOU can start. First thing you do when you realize you have dug
yourself into a hole.... STOP DIGGING!
My suggestion, you can can spend the rest of your life wanting
what is closer than your heartbeat, and not see it because the
wanting is in the way. Wanting affirms not having. Could you let
Go of everything you have done for the past ten years. Don't get
pissed at it. it brought you here. Just gentle say, 'Thank you'
and let it go, even if only for a short time. It will always be
there when you need it.
Just relax and breath and open you eyes to what is in front of
you. Expect nothing more, make up no stories or interpretations.
Just be present with what is.
Give it a try and write back if you like. Remember, I really
like short posts.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3146--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: October 22, 2014, 4:52 am
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Dear Jed,
Thank you for writing back and your sobering answer. I will give
it a try. Feel more relaxed already.
Love ya, Matthijs
#Post#: 3175--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: October 22, 2014, 10:59 pm
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Dear Jed,
There is a certain clarity now and an urge to keep digging. It
is either digging or seing what is front of my eyes. And the
writing of this and conversating with you seems digging. And
not. Conversating with you and really looking brings me to a
halt.
Thank you, Matthijs
#Post#: 3227--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: October 23, 2014, 11:47 pm
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I get it. Waking up is not relating to a guru with reference to
waking up. Waking up is seeing the makyo Matthijs who has been
seeking outside confirmation and moving on. What’s next?
#Post#: 3233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: October 24, 2014, 1:18 am
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The humbling realization I can’t play out differently than I do
because I am unaware of doing it. “Father. I don’t know what I
do”. I am a self absorbed (hero – NOT) character in movie about
TR I am dreaming up. My god, am I making a fool of myself. Being
present with what is without making up stories and
interpretations is easier dreamt than ... Breathe..
#Post#: 7950--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: January 8, 2015, 2:39 am
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Dear Jed, the undoing of everything i valued and held onto has
really started. It is clear now that there is no outside
authority I can refer to, not even in a zillionst of a second.
There are no places, relationships, beliefs that I want to
exclude from this undoing. I feel I am on my own. Still I feel
true support from the “matrix” you created. Your pointing in
direct conversation, in your books, rants. True in the sense
that it doesn’t bind me and catalyzes the undoing. I am very
grateful for that. Look forward to the next catalyzing move..
:-\
Mat
#Post#: 7957--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 8, 2015, 6:48 am
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Just be aware that any matrix created and any beliefs or rules
must eventually be discarded.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 7961--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Matthijs
Date: January 8, 2015, 7:13 am
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It scares me shit but i know there's no other way. Bring it on
#Post#: 7962--------------------------------------------------
Re: Participation
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: January 8, 2015, 7:22 am
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Yup, bring it on.
Love ya, Jed
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