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#Post#: 1577--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 22, 2014, 4:12 pm
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Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
When im sitting here, do I know whats true? If not, what the
hell am ‘I’ doing? So many ‘I’s, I dont know what I am! How can
i know! Enough dabbling, focus. Me, inside, this body, nobody
else. Nothing else. There is no other. I cant feel others or
touch others. I cannot think for 2.
One conscious, everyone of the many me’s thinks thoughts. Same
nothingness. How can they know what they are!? They get the same
answer: no one. What am I looking at? My god, looking at others
is like walking inside a maze without an exit. So, why am I
sitting here? Am i really sitting? Or is my butt imagining the
sensation on to the brains triggering to believe that im
actually sitting on a chair. So many chairs arent they? It’s all
me. Outside, whats inside? Nothing. further. This is, strange.
Im it,. this awareness what is it!
Lets give it a shot!
Awareness is the realisation of what’s true. What’s true can’t
be sensed by you. For there is no you. Why always bring the
ancient old ‘you’ into the picture. What is awareness? To know,
but not be able to control. No control, not through words,
thoughts, feelings, believes. The ego wants to bottle awareness
up, like this container (human body). Collecting reasons to hold
on. To simply exist.
Is awareness true?
Your reaching out to someTHING expecting a result! Giving it a
rest, doing the same ritual bullshít. As if its homework. For
fck sake get real! Any more realer than this crap, even though I
know nothing is true. Thoughts, conceptional crap, do I make it
up? But, the I keeps vanishing. So, there is something left.
There has to be. Focus on what will be gone after this living of
mine? No body, no soul.
Let’s say it again:
The ‘I’ is a concept everyone makes up. You may call me Stephan,
for Christ sake we can never know what ‘I am’ really is. Takes
alot of meaningless effort that gets your nowhere further. Not
that there is any place to go, we must settle on to reason. The
fish has to take the bait sometime.
Be gentle to others, means be gentle to yourself. How can I
pretend to be selfish and only hate myself? When in fact I made
this universe. I am the universe.
Treat and be a little gentle welcoming others (and things) the
same way you treat yourself. Discard the shít, contemplate on
what’s true. I’ll play their game as a rooky actor, for hell's
sake, even I don’t know what is. Can’t be bothered talking about
it to other actors, but I'm sure they appreciate my
entertainment in this non-mysterious world called Nothing.
Further.
#Post#: 2122--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 2, 2014, 4:02 pm
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Garbage day
Goodmorning neighbour! Just cleaning the thrash.
I read your definition about stupid people and to be honest Jed,
my mind makes up the believe i've actually been stupid. Why?
I’ll examine this thought right now.
One idea might help for a period, once overused it’s time to
change gears.
These several weeks I mainly contemplated to what is. Managed my
own personal meaningless crap. Whatever arouses I welcomed.To
let go by giving it attention, squeeze like an orange, drink
it’s juice to later, pee it all out. Liberating sensation I must
say.
The mind gets a crapload of attention jezus! It’s official
garbage day! Allowing life sucking into me. I’ve been sick few
weeks ago. Felt amazing same week. No matter what feeling or
emotion I imagine to experience, it’s as if you’re blowing
bubbles in the air to watch it pop later on in the same sky.
Back to the idea of being stupid. I know when crap gets too much
I let the garbage out through SA.
Right now after 1 or maybe 2 weeks of contemplating it’s time
for my SA’s.
The ego likes to attach. I know when im going for something it’s
absolutely meaningless. In a fun way that’s the only motivation
I need. Why all this seeking when I know damn well everything is
meaningless?
Lights, camera, ACTION! Further.
#Post#: 2142--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 3, 2014, 2:52 am
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The red lamborghini
What we feel is not it. what we experience is not that either.
How many times must one talk to attain it? The ideas are a lie
only viewed in a wicked universe. Car salesman are one of the
people that know how the mind works. They all have been taught
to “sell” their merchandise making one thing more impressive
than the other. They won't stop until the costumer "buys in".
The mind wants to “buy” in. Once sold out it’s beginning to
believe that perfect car is officially mine for the taken. I
payed money, it’s written on a contract, the sly salesman is
satisfied and I am "happy". Doesn’t that make it totally real I
just purchased a car? Good gimmick!
Further.
#Post#: 2144--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 3, 2014, 3:07 am
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There is a guy who drives down my street in a new car every
couple of weeks and you reminded me. First a Lambo. The it was a
very classy dark brown two door Bentley. Yesterday a four door
Maserati. I just looked at a guy next to me and he say
'Russian'. It think he meant he was rushin to buy his next car
but his English wasn't that good. Not a bad dream. (he was not
alone).
So, what's next for you in your dream.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2270--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 5, 2014, 2:00 pm
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The Cheshire Cat
So many distractions. Sitting on this chair, thinking…thinking…
thinking….. waiting for what? Hello Cheshire cat, am I glad to
see you. "You see me?", He asked. "Im not really there where
your looking at. Close those pretty brown eyes. Can you still
say I am there? Tell me, which way you wanna go further with?" I
dont know, nothing is all I know. Im existing, not living. "Oh
do you? Or do I? Hmm…"
What is memory? I asked Cheshire. "Excuse me? You’re asking an
imaginary projection coming from YOU to tell YOU a concept
theory about memory? You know what I tell wouldn't be true,
perhaps it does contain the element of truth, not quiet a
catchable one." Figure it out your own, for I am useless to you.
Goodluck!" The cat vanished as he left me with those words.
Further.
The memory game PART 1: Miracles
There is no you that I know. How do I know? Cause there is no
other, only what is. When I say "you" don't exist, "you" say the
same thing towards me. Like a mirror reflection. So go further,
for what purpose? What will I dream next ? I cannot sit here
waiting for a “miracle” to happen which wont come and isn't
true.
HOLD IT!
Let's examine miracles.
A miracle is an unexplained occurance also referred to as luck
or coincidence where logic fails to exist. With all the
knowledge of the world, one who always put their faith on logic
and reason now robs a bank with an empty gun. Or plays football
without a ball.
Try this on for size!
Whatever left unexplained gets dropped in the believe category.
God, jezus, death, buddha, me, that and other imaginable crap
ends up as believe.
I was wondering the idea behind memory. Cause without a you, who
knows all these talking, writings, walking and what not? We
interact with the universe through attachment. Memory is why you
still remember, recall or better said re"identify" your name.
Memory gets confused giving it the shape of a persona. We
believe what we “thought”. We take it all for granted. Memories
are concepts that gets you the idea you’re alive. Am I really
alive…? Or is life the exploration of events such as; birth,
childhood or adulthood periods etc.
Further.
The memory game PART 2: Circle of life
Attachtment vs. reality
When I say A, B… what would you say next? C ofcourse not a trick
question. Or is it? This I can say is a very important idea
worth dismantling. We live life being taught to mannerism
logical bullshít. At young age at kindergarden they teach you
the art of reading. The art of writing. The art of speaking. The
art of copying. This is a chain reference to memory whereas the
idea is implanted in your brains making such things so obvious.
An artificial way of living. How can the robot operate without
it’s data? How can a human being live without it’s data?
At the moment as I write this all down I “remember” how to
write. I remember how to talk. Another virus given to me at
birth would be “breathing” and “thinking”. Later on out of
survival needs one starts to drink and eat. Automatically learns
to poop and pee and so on goes the circle of life.
Telling myself I am alive, in this place, this universe, is yet
another concept thought. We mistake life for the attachment that
we hold dear to every collectable memory stored inside us.
Therefore comes forth the idea of identifications.
NOT OVER YET!
On a roll today! I have no regrets cutting my life into pieces.
This is what truly has to be done in order to get an
understanding of what’s true. Erase the memory, that indicates
erasing the confusion we call living (loved ones are like
superglue!).
I recognise an identity by looking at other actors reactions
towards this persona. What will be left when I am gone? No one
will miss me. No one will love me. We all cling on to memories,
affraid to let go. Death is the physical eraser of our presence
beings. When I die, what will my future family write down on my
tombstone:
He was a good guy, a great friend, a respectable lover. We will
miss you Stephan. (*sob sob*) POOF GONE!
Further!
#Post#: 2327--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 6, 2014, 9:35 am
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Dear S:
If you say 'a' 'b' I would automatically say 'normal' as in
'abnormal'. That's the most logical thing to follow those two
letters.
I'm hoping my tombstone will read 'Thank God he's gone', or
maybe 'Dear God, now he's your problem.
I'm not joking one bit.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2627--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 10, 2014, 3:50 am
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Cliffhanger
The safety to cling on to what is, bounching back and forth. I
fall off a cliff. Barely grabbed a fragile root coming from a
big oak tree sticking out. Reaching out to what feels like love,
protection, comfort; the imaginary hand of god a.k.a.
attachment. Every normal person would help me back up. Then
there are ofcourse those trusty asshöles who waited an eternity
for this moment.
Nevertheless the "tempation" to get up, closing my eyes to
sleep. I've held on that long. The weight of this crap I'm taken
gets heavier. THIS IS BORING! Time to release that hand. A few
seconds after the release I woke up. Oh boy, just another dream
down the sewer.
Further.
#Post#: 2631--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 10, 2014, 4:15 am
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Gladiatorial games
What's with all this entertainment, this living? I can't sleep.
Nor know anything about time. Or the difference between day or
nighttime. Preparations have been made for my next fight. Was
promised freedom upon my 1000x victory. After 999 fights it's
the final match. Lost an eye, got a few scars on my chest. A
slave of this system called living. Before I enter the stage a
flashback from my first fight came to my awareness.
Day 1
I remember it clear as the morning sun. Fell right into a
sinkhole of depression. the whole time I lived like everyone
else, except that I knew things were off in this world. This
living, Things at teenage life which felt as a "forced" society
behavior; get drunk every weekend, going out, be with other
guys, dunno what the F they call fun. I wasn't getting any close
friends, nor people I could eventually call friends to begin
with. A loner at heart, surrounded by sheep. The pull of
depression started when I failed almost any test at uni. Just
when I got a nice bond with others, I am left out due to this
stuff to catch up. This brief bonding with others became second
nature.
I was losing my career, my dreamjob, everything fell apart like
the drop of snowflakes. All the struggle to get up on two feet.
I managed to get a grib, succeeded my previous failings. This
year, just by one unimportant test, I screwed up. Took me a
total of 3 years on this uni. just to find out it was all
for...nothing. It has been a few months since I got into T/R
business. The moment I saw it was finally game over, something
happened: I didn't give a Fck. Even after a 3yr struggle, what
did I really lose? lots of time big deal. I lost my girlfriend
same week, parents got frustrated at me, that which once
described this Stephan persona got obliterated. To me I felt
like I didn't lose anything at all!
Done?
The gates open, my moment of glory awaits on this battlefield of
slaughter. No suprise once again I became victorious. A few
minutes I enjoyed this last victory. The best feeling out of all
the struggles. I close my eyes, head tilted at the sky. The wind
gives me a gentle warm touch over my skin. Till it felt cold...
I hear a voice shouting from a distance: RELEASE THE LIONS!
My eyes open as I engage for yet another fight. WTF it ain't
done! Then I started to realise, there is no such thing as free
will. No control. All hopes, all dreams are made up. You are the
battlefield. You create this game of gimmicks.
Execution
After killing the lion horde I knew what had to be done next.
The last fight wasn't in this arena, no. The final fight would
be the end of a "you". The execution of a no self. Now knowing
all previous things in my life so far were meaningless. All what
will come would still be meaningless. I pointed my sword on my
chest and without hesitation I pierced straight through my
heart.
Further
The above was my journey mixed in with a made up story as added
entertainment value. I can't precisely recall when I noticed
Done was never Done. I could say after 1, perhaps almost 2
months, I've been dreameating. Dream after dream pass by. It's
through storytelling I flush out the shít in my personal toilet
with a mixture of contemplating to what is.
What's next? Breakfast! (a dream sandwich with bacon!)
Further!
#Post#: 2662--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: October 10, 2014, 3:08 pm
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Next level voodoo magic
Recently I stumbled upon the idea that attachment is linked with
any given emotion or feeling. The interaction in this universe
only takes place within these sensations. As I write on this
forum, there is a “wanting” connected to this desire.
Now imagine you sleep in a hospital bed. You wake up from a long
lasting coma. Everything looks blank in the eyes. The sexual
harrashment nurse enters to check on your condition and noticed
your awake. Before you even start to ask where the F you are,
the nurse hands over your ID card. You notice a photo that looks
like you. Your character display is written on it. After a
couple of minutes the family arrives. Supposingly mom and dad
brought chocolate cause apparently that’s what “you” liked. So
now your attached through your ID card and your parents.
Same applies to newborns. You get raised by sleepwalkers to
become just another one of those. This is inevitable, I forgive
them for who the heck even knows why parents must act like
parents. My mom and dad certainly had a different life before my
older bro got born. I as the second and last child shaped their
lifes as if it’s a sacrifice of their own living. They distract
themself with us (bro and me) and like you said Jed, they were
bored and still are. That’s not what they ever told me. Nor any
parents ever let you know you’re a piece of toy served only for
the pleasure of self fulfillment. So much for love… (Dramatic
cry ;))
5 seconds sadness over love. Made up crap anyways. I do have
childhood flashlights whenever I walk pass the hallway and look
at our photos taken on school. If only they knew me as I am now.
A wolf raised by sheep.
Take off your ring or necklace, also give me one hairpiece.
Excellent. Now, this is a voodoo doll. I’ll give this little guy
your soul. There! Perfect! The ring is around it’s neck
together with that hairpiece of yours. Let me get a needle,
there it is! but first, do you feel this little squeeze? Feels
weird right. Now what if I poke it with this? It hurts doesn’t
it?
Wow crazy shít! Felt so real! Fancy attachment. Let’s put it to
the next level: Your body.
Same idea as the voodoo, do you really think after seeing this
puppetshow that it’s YOU who feels the pain? Ofcourse there is
no you, but the attachment is there. We connect ourself with the
rhythm of life itself. The emotions that run high on any
attachable thing. Your watching a movie and feel an attachment
for the main actor. YOU're that imposter!
A few weeks ago I felt fcked up by someone elses traumatic
experienced. It felt like I was living that persons life. Even
had a nightmare as if I was that person. Took me alot of time to
let go. Last thing I shouted was: Where am I!? Leave this dream!
Where am I? Who poked this body? No one. There is no one who
ever suffers. All made up.
Further.
#Post#: 2720--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 12, 2014, 12:11 am
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Yup, further.
Love ya, Jed.
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