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#Post#: 37--------------------------------------------------
Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: August 27, 2014, 5:56 am
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Hey Jed,
Awesome new forum, looking forward already.
Okay going to start off by dropping my historical journey from 9
months ago till where I am standing; By the way I stored all my
SA on my laptop, easy to backtrack. Although I never look back
when it's written, letting it go instantly.
This is from what I mailed you 3 months ago, I'll put it back to
summarize what I dealt with those months till early summer:
- I'm alone, the moment I got born i was already an orphan,
there is no other.
- My parents, friends etc. are all strangers. I don't even
recognize them anymore. It's all a mask.
- Truth can't be killed, got mad to keep on pretending knowing
life is all for nothing, dealt with suicide matters.
- I grow comfortable with the sight of death, no matter how
brutally killed, a human dead body looks like an empty paperbag.
- Love this one from Alice in Wonderland > Alice: "how do you
know I'm mad?" Cheshire: "You must be, or you wouldn't have come
here."
- Life is a game: Like the ocean, even predators and cannibals
live there unseen, yet even those creatures gets devoured by the
same ocean. We can't control where the next wave or storm comes
from. The ocean plays it's game, that is enough.
- The earth has the same truth as mine, the same as the sun, the
same as my poop.
- I rather be burried alive right now than to keep on pretending
for 70 more years.
- There is no ''here'', I'm simply on a different location than
yours.
- There is no day or midnight, no days or weeks, no minutes or
hours. I don't know the alphabet, I can't count.
- more, more, more, purpose after purpose. I can't take nothing
or less, it's very easy to get more.
You replied to me to let go and be. So I did drop the reaching
out / searching stuff cause it only creates more objects. And it
is not about the objects, but what's inside all these concept
thoughts. What's inside all these ideas? and reasons? I know
absolutely nothing. Real knowledge is gained by unlearning
knowledge itself. I recently watched The mysterious Stranger and
in that movie during the Adam and Eve story, Eve suddenly grew
the habit to ''label'' the environment, giving things names:
grass, tree, bird, dog, anything. All from an objective
viewpoint. How come a noisy human device called brains get the
nerve to name and claim whatever it imagines? It spreads out a
bigger lie, a bigger living, a bigger existing. And all that to
avoid, yes what? Why does it keep sucking on purpose after
purpose?
Truth can't grow or reduce at all. No matter if you have the
greatest job career or most miserable life. You lose it all when
you're gone. The ''you'' has never been anywhere. I came here
with nothing and so shall I fade away with nothing. Like a glass
of water, you keep drinking till the bottom and poof! What's
left? You get the same death as the mosquito I pimpslapped last
night.
It was funny, I watched TV 2 weeks ago. There was this dude who
got a new heart. Heart transplant stuff. He was talking about
blabla donate your organs help everyone crap. What I wondered
was: What nerve does he think he is still the same human?
Ofcourse there is no such thing as human, and we humans usually
talk about love and placing people in your own heart. This guy
got a new heart, what if roughly said his whole body got
replaced except his brains? Like some evil masterminds in movies
are brains inside a computer spreading evil, yet no body. It
still got this ''Identity'' vibe hanging around his belt.
no-body except thoughts, ideas.
Everyday i wake up, first thing I usually say to myself: Oh
gosh.. back in this place again. Like a magician exploiding his
trick. I keep seeing the same trick. So dull, that's what is. I
had lucid dreams often, cause of the similarities in this
reality dream called ''life'' and my sleeping dreams: Costumes,
lies. Every sound I hear I know, hey! To have sound it must be
hole/empty inside the object. Including between my ears. I keep
so engaged in this ''rhythm'' that I even start to dance, sing,
get crazy. Same I got with any feelings, I observe myself
lifting my arm up and down. Knowing there is nothing in it. By
the power of gravity it seems to go up and down, but it doesn't
go up and down. My arm doesn't go anywhere.
Back to me
During summer period I lost my Uni. got kicked, lost a
girlfriend. It didn't bother me at all. I lost nothing, I never
had anything to lose. I already knew my parents call me a son as
if I am their property. So sickening. I wished to be raised by
wolves. Life is so fabricated omg! Parents, education, jobs what
the hell! Rules and laws already been made by who? Other humans?
disgusting pigs. I hate humans. My appearance looks the same, I
definitely am a nobody. There is nobody who misses me, except
this ego/identity with the name of Stephan.
These weeks, since it's inevitable to not be with society, I
grew more sick everyday listening to conversations, reasons,
family dinnercomplain hour, everything! So I was at my mom's 50
years birthday last Saturday. So many people talked to me, yet
all they keep asking for is a story. A story about "my summer".
I go act all dramatic to please them, saying crappy summer due
to me leaving Uni. everything crap, but I had a chilled and
relaxing summer. I can't talk back at all. I lost my reasons to
speak, to have something to talk about without giving ''my''
opinion which they all seek for. Reasons, opinions. For F sake I
love the weather everytime! Even when it's pouring rain. Even
when it's superhot, that's how it is. It's not like talking
makes the world any better. Whenever I dream, I Imagined this
environment already but do I question the freaking weather in
any of my dreams? Why would I complain about the magic of the
universe when I am it.
Jed I feel so sick pretending to others so much. If there was a
me left, I would definitely live for myself and keep making my
own standards, but I don't know what I am at all. Cause of my
non-identifications and inevitable society pull I get more and
more dragged into this fabricated living. Sucked into a vortex
to go back into ''ordinary'' living. How can a vampire live
among humans without the need to drink their blood? He looks
like them, he even acts like them. I lost the language to
communicate with others except by bombarding opinions. How can I
live along society? It's not of importance to me, but I am
already in the game. I must play.
Thanks in advance If you read it.
#Post#: 42--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 27, 2014, 10:40 am
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You may need to take up acting, amateur that is. Everyone else
is acting and so very, very few know it. Also a little
forgiveness is in order. 'Forgive them for they know not what
they do' is not a bad idea. Let everything that comes up come up
to forgiveness and a welcoming. What is Truth if not a giant
unconditional welcoming. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 87--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: August 28, 2014, 7:56 am
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Dear Jed,
I've been acting like the 2 grumpy old muppets barking at every
performance. To keep on pointing things and say Boo!! not real!
All to myself.
I know it's my own journey. Not for others and who the heck even
knows about TR? Sure reading about it is one thing, becoming it
there is absolutely no one other than yourself to do the
walking.
Funny thing is: They know nothing and I know nothing as well. An
endless theatre play. I can’t take this costume off and identify
myself as a real actor. That’s how society or life here is,
isn’t it? Why do I feel like I want to change the world to a
place without all this madness yet since the world can’t change
(major task mission impossible), I change myself then. Ghosting
this world, observing, looking through the same old magic trick
over and over.
Oldschool seeking
Before I got into TR seeking, I readed a bunch of self help
books. NLP stuff, Tony Robbins, Eckhart Tolle. Implanting
techniques that they promise it’ll work if you focus on it
constantly. After awhile I found myself stuck with the same
technique. Since it feels trusted as the only tool for personal
growth, I kept applying it.
These books, these people they sell you these stuff. Making it
sound and look easy. Through minimum effort to be the person you
dreamed about to become. Like any drugs, it’s a new opium that
feels good. You get yourself an overdosis (more more MORE!) till
you feel like a crackhead. Then you keep fishing for more of
these…drugs. More of these stimulating books. There are thousand
of books, alot of influential people selling their business.
For what price? Only short term happiness that’s the price. And
to be all in this splendid present moment like an Eckhart Tolle
approach, becoming one of those Monk-eys that sit on their lazy
butt 10-20 years my god probably their whole remaining life
long!
Research
To add on more of my studies regarding TR. I’ve readed all your
books Jed, Moby Dick, studied bits of Henry David, Walt
Whitman, Mark Twain, even Socrates, Plato’s cave or your movie
theatre. I Watched movies like The Matrix (Path of Neo), V for
Vendetta (The idea beneath the costume) , The Truman Show
(Breaking free) , Alice in Wonderland (We are all crazy) also
readed it.
I use SA as a tool for TR. Lately less SA as it has been more to
let go off my frustration as to where my place is in this world.
Not getting Further with this daily weeding. I'll add a daily
portion of SA developing my personal acting career.
The Beauty and the beast
So I am aware this is maya’s playground and I acted as a savage
animal destroying it’s beauty. As a little kid I used to snap
the heads of barbiedolls, break things. That’s how it felt to
me; ‘Oh no! I know the magic, get lost!’ I never harm anyone for
I can’t drag others into my TR search. I bash it out on my ego.
I was raised as a Christian. By the time I was a 14 year old
teen, I got appealed to magic. Thanks to that I lost all faith
in ‘’God’’. The tricks and the mindfcks, the manipulations they
do. That is one of the reasons why I say; We want to know the
trick (TR; as if it drops into your lap, that easily), but when
we figure it out, the magic is off. There is no glorious
achievement for knowing, we all prefer and wish to stay fooled.
To stay inside the illusion.
Grammy award goes to…
Since yesterday I attempted welcoming more thoughts, more of my
surroundings. It’s so playful, every thought is an attention
seeking child who wants to do ‘’something’’. Gain more purpose
in life.
Yes I haven't exactly felt nice towards others or anything. More
sassy, cause all I care about is what's real, TR. And still do.
Jed the reason why I kill the crap instantly is that I fear for
one, to lose TR and regret missing it. Second, once I am
consumed in a conversation/thought or discussion, it’s hard to
let go of the big dragon when its manifested that long. That’s
how I feel sucked being there more for others than myself.
My question that I stated above:What could you suggest if I lose
myself too much in the acting?
Alright I’m gonna kick in my fancy acting skills. Will let you
know how that flows.
Cheers, Stephan
#Post#: 89--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: August 28, 2014, 8:25 am
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You may need to take up acting, amateur that is. Everyone else
is acting and so very, very few know it. Also a little
forgiveness is in order. 'Forgive them for they know not what
they do' is not a bad idea. Let everything that comes up come up
to forgiveness and a welcoming. What is Truth if no a giant
unconditional welcoming. Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 555--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 4, 2014, 5:08 pm
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Dear Jed,
The acting was so much fun, still does! Felt like an excited 23
year old child for no bloody reason. Today my University
actually started. Sucked into the educational vortex of life.
Felt nervous, since I messed up on the previous Uni. and now
reclaim my glory on this one. Working together with a group of
new students. I took a break at some moments whilst we worked on
a project, looked at them with a mindset of: "empty costumes,
empty crap!" I don't care of it pops the excitement bubble. Just
like my nightmare I'm going to talk about below, once you dream
something or feel emerged, kill it! Or kill your"self"! Which is
easy to ignore...
Pesky secrets
Last week I had a talk with a friend of mine, very close. Don’t
want to go into details (says the ego! *points at mirror*), but
what happened to that friend, let’s say a 5 year prison guilty
secret to the “other” party that was involved in the scene. My
heart pounded like I took 8 heroin shots at once ( I don’t do
drugs, I am THE drug).
One thing I hate to keep are secrets. This particular “event”
caused a traumatising effect and it was midnight. Forcefully
closed my lovely eyes trying to sleep, doing the harlem shake in
bed. The only thing that was in my mind was that horrific scene.
I was aware that something already happened that time, my friend
added that more stuff happened.
Fck it that was sëxual assault, I’ll just say what happened. And
she was underaged.
Back to me cause I’m a partypooper who values her as much as an
ant.
All my mind saw was an imagination of that scene, in more
details. I couldn’t get my mind off it, litterally the whole
night. I vomited once, my heart was on overdrive. Chest
problems, stomache pain. During the nightmare itself at some
point I asked, followed with shouting: Where the hell am I? This
isn’t my life. Leave her (the friend), leave her now! let her go
now!
I got up boiled with anger. The first thing I did was
approaching her, telling her to not get in touch with me. This
may seem cruel, who is to say what’s cruel or not?
The “loved”ones in your life, the ones that are close to your
heart (*pukes* cheesy I know!), they tell you crap only you know
about them, THOSE LOVED ONES. Secrets are sneaky demons that
attach on you, making your focus more based on their lives
(TRUST!) rather than your own. I’m sure many of us folks got
that “close”person in their life who feel they can trust you so
they drop their crap on you.
Let’s get straight to the question. I know it’s the ego what
suffers so it’s okay:
What is a nice way to get along with people who feel they trust
you?
Cheers, Stephan
PS. An extra bonus question I like to add cause why not!
I do believe I am catching a cold. As usual the focus will be on
my running nose, soar throat and headache. Disturbing my work
and the body doesn't have much need to do SA.
Can you suggest “technique(s)” that are worth to try out when
the body feels physically incapable to function properly with
the focus on T/R?
Cheers, Stephan
#Post#: 565--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 5, 2014, 2:19 am
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My suggestion, whatever happens has nothing to do with you and
all you can ever feel is resistance to something. Contemplate
letting to of resistance. i.e., acceptance/welcoming.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 910--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 9, 2014, 5:43 pm
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Reporting the experiment results:
Truth realisation whats it all about? By god who keeps on
asking? Is it STEPHAN!?
WHO CALLED ME STEPHAN?
My parents gave me a name but why? I guess they needed to label
this physical appearance to a some’one’. They named me, but did
I ever recall telling myself I am this Stephan guy when I got
born? By now at age 23 I got the same knowledge as when I got
born. For such a long time I’ve been fooled. Stephan is simply
another piece of crap. I'm creating a persona, an ego. At young
age developing a sense of identity to this human body through
study, friendly recognitions, love, family etc. No more or less
value than dirt.
If my parents gave me a name just like that, how on earth do I
even imagine to think I got the answer as in who the bloody hell
I am. They know nothing neither do I! You can name it whatever
you want, cause the only knowledge I have is that I got no
knowledge nor can ever get any. Truth is everything. Realise
it’s all fake, go play whatever the fück ya want, no control,
welcome this whole bullshït.
I NEED MORE IMAGINARY ALCOHOL! Nothing makes sense! *hiccup*
PS. No question, simply vomiting words out of my head.
#Post#: 982--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 10, 2014, 4:26 pm
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I am here for so long in earthly years. Even if I would never be
raised by any parents at birth, who is to say there is a ‘me’ to
stop all this crap. Whilst I’m still breathing and beating
inside? This chunks down the desire for control. The game was on
before the computer got plugged in and turned on like this human
body, so keep playing.
You had the mask on the moment before you got born already. What
I am here for is to make an understanding out of life. If you
ask a billion of people the classis “what is your meaning of
life?” you get a billion different answers. Yet that still won’t
define what life really is. How can I know what life is? Life is
searching for an empty pirate treasure chest. Absolutely
meaningless.
Anyways, I’ll be bold and try to define life from my own
experience (whatever the hell that is):
Ahum, so when we speak of life, one must say the inevitable
consequence of death is in place. Life is the sister and death
the brother: A siamese twin. Inseperable. How can I say what
life is if it’s merely an illusion? Death is the eraser whereas
life the pencil. Humans are of no value, we can make more. Draw
images on a beach. Let the wind erase or change the image. Now
let the ocean whipe out the remains. Start making another image
from whatever is left. And if it’s completely erased can you
ever say it was really there? Can you really say I ever existed?
You can keep searching, drawing till nothing is left. The ego
can’t take nothing for granted. There has to be a reason to feed
on. You’re Pacman eating dots to take it to another level. Then
keep on eating more crap. Truth doesn't need to know what truth
is, it is the lie who wants to discover it is a lie. That is
only possible in this imaginary life, whilst your still sticking
around.
I know this body, these organs, my brains. Yes they will perish
into oblivion! These words came out yet I don’t claim ownership
of them.
Interestingly enough I stumbled upon the actual question
everyone gotta ask:
Did I ever got born to begin with?
The body is a transmitting device recieving fictional data to
create a reality that isn’t really there. Truth was never born.
The finite lie had to stick around with the infinite truth. To
be born is just another term to interpret that one wasn’t here
before and seems to exist after. The whole term ‘’birth’’ is
full is shït.
What can we really know right?
#Post#: 1339--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 18, 2014, 6:53 am
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Welcoming the flu
Last Sunday I’ve caught a jaw infection most likely being the
flu. Terrible headache, jaw hurts. Like I said I felt symptoms
that I would get sick one of these days. Perfect practise
change! Doing SA would prove to be rather difficult. Started
contemplating more on the development of this disease.
Worked on a project with my group at Uni till it struck me that
the bursting headache reached its toll as well as the pain in my
jaw. So I went home taking 2 days of rest. Contemplating on the
pain all I knew and know is that nobody is really suffering.
Fear only seeks pleasure and runs away from pain. There is no
you who gets sick. It’s no big deal what happens to this costume
or how it gets damaged. The pain is viewed in the illusionary
perspective.
What helps to me is breathing deeply into any sensation whether
it’s pain or pleasurable. Give it a 100% solid attention. The
feelings run high kicking into the experience. That’s simply
life’s rollercoaster ride. This body and mind is triggered by
letting go of resistance. Opening up to what is.
Further.
#Post#: 1340--------------------------------------------------
Re: Stephan
DIR By: Stephan Caspers
Date: September 18, 2014, 7:12 am
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Exploding bug
I had another lucid dream yesterday, actually whilst dreaming
i’d say halfway the dream I noticed hang on... this is a dream.
At first a no response cause it doesn’t easily admit being
exposed. I smiled and clarified again "yup I am dreaming!." Yet
even though I dreamed exactly as if i was in my bedroom, looked
pretty realistic. Crazy stuff happened. Breathing coming deep
from my belly feeling it all the way in my back very relaxing
(all credits to my yoga exercises). One thing I remembered was a
sudden appearance of a new green bug type. At first fear is like
don’t touch that, within a sec or 2 cause I knew it’s a dream, I
reached out and grabbed it.
Watched the whole spectacle like an interactive movie and
actually played along. Lol last thing I did was grabbing my
phone to take a picture of the bug as prove it’s real, some
noise outside penetrated my dreamstate. Take the them picture!
Struggling myself to keep the dream ungoing. I was holding on so
much to this dream trying not to wake up, but then someone came
upstairs, heavy machinery noise outside as well. Woke up.
The dream got killed with everything in it. Like my physical
dreamlife, nothing shall remain. Only nothing exists. The whole
scenery got nuked. All that happened in the dream got
obliterated to dust. Can’t say it existed and will never know.
How can I know when It’s tempted to instantly ‘think’ only a
thought remained? Who bothers? No one! There is no one to do the
knowing. Confused!
Further.
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