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#Post#: 31689--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 19, 2017, 3:18 am
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Words, you escape hatch and you jailer. Use and throw them away.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31711--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 19, 2017, 11:55 am
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Thanks for pointing that out. I don't want to remain stuck
unnecessarily (although there's a part of me that does, but
that's just really stupid).
Post It Note #5
I see myself needing to try really hard at this but sense that's
not going to help. The way my thoughts are constructing it is
dependant on an outcome. This is hard to rationalise, which
seems like a good thing. I can watch the struggle whilst I'm
going nowhere.
#Post#: 31718--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 20, 2017, 1:27 am
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Post It Note #6
I'm noticing small things which I've never stopped to question
and observe, just accept and seemingly suffer with; the
resistance and anxiety which arises when I look at my email or
hear the post being delivered in the morning. I've done a
fantastic job of conditioning myself. Pavlov would be proud.
My understanding of surrender has become more profound and real,
less intellectual and more of a knowing and acceptance. The
entire perception of myself needs to be brought into view and
examined willingly.
Thoughts like 'I have to do this' or 'I need to do that' provide
an instant stab of anxiety. I really need to examine those. Do I
really have a choice in anything? I'm not sure and need to
consider carefully. The perception of control needs to be picked
at.
Writing this here as openly and accurately as I can really seems
to be productive. I've spent the last 10 years or so avoiding
doing something like this. Maybe I've just not been ready until
now but that doesn't matter. It's not a game anymore.
Observations: Awaking in the morning seems to licit some kind of
reset. It apparently takes some time before I can get back to
any degree of clarity so I can really continue. It's a great way
of keeping me asleep.
Honesty, as a sense of laying myself bare, seems to be a current
weapon of choice.
#Post#: 31720--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 20, 2017, 2:33 am
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Post It Note #7
Much of this stuff which creates anxiety is a consequence of
resisting what is. It's all about control.
I am a control freak. What can I control? Seemingly what I
interface with. I can choose to pick my cat up if I think about
it but then again I pick my cat up when thinking about something
else. A sense of free will and control only seems to be there
when I think about it. What if thought wasn't there or really
understood to be completely illusionary. I guess stuff would
just happen. Stuff happens by itself all the time without me
thinking about it. I need to investigate this more.
There's so much more I see myself wanting to control entirely
outside of my jurisdiction. This is full of anticipation. The
anticipation is loaded with 'what if?' which creates a sense of
not being in control and a feeling of helplessness which creates
discomfort. I absolutely know I can't affect the outcome of so
many things yet this happens all the time. It's ridiculous and
extraordinarily stupid.
#Post#: 31723--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 20, 2017, 3:14 am
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Are you free willed enough to think and believe that you don't
have any free will? Give it a try.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31725--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 20, 2017, 3:37 am
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Thank you so much. This is why I'm here.
#Post#: 31727--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 20, 2017, 5:12 am
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My mind can't rationalise, my gut says yes. To me, it's a trust
based invitation and a gift.
There's a feeling that sensory overload will ensue in this
state, if realised, and I will explode - but that's what
missiles are for.
Note: If you want to stay asleep, beware of Greeks bearing
gifts.
#Post#: 31728--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 20, 2017, 5:36 am
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;) ;) ;)
#Post#: 31731--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 20, 2017, 10:49 am
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Post It Note #8
General ramblings and nonsense on choices, thoughts and control
- refinement and further contemplation needed (word count
massively exceeded, sorry).
Choices appear to me as a mental construct with images,
narrative and outcomes. They may or may not turn into an action
associated with the thought.
I decided today (of my own free will) to choose to take a
shower. This initially presented itself as a thought-statement
in my mind to the effect of 'I should probably take a shower'. I
chose to act on this rather than ignore it.
I went upstairs and got into the shower and start to think about
my apparent choice of taking my shower through my own free will.
Meanwhile, washing is happening all by itself, unnoticed and
without effort.
Whilst in the shower, the thought 'do I control these thoughts?'
appears as a question. If I control these thoughts (and
therefore what I think), then I must have the ability to choose
the thoughts I have, consciously. If I choose these thoughts
then how are they chosen? I don't think 'the next thought I have
will be a choice about taking a shower - do you want to
continue?' followed by 'Yes, accepted, I think I will take a
shower now' or 'no, I don't want to continue, please delete that
thought and pretend it didn't happen'. They just arise. I was
given a choice (about taking a shower) that I didn't even ask
for. I then acted on it.
If I could control my thoughts, what would that even look like?
I can see no evidence of any system happening which supports
this, in my mind at least. Maybe it's my subconscious then? If
it's my subconscious, I'm not directly aware of it so there's
certainly no 'visibility' of it so I'm not in control after all.
When did my thinking start? I don't remember when it started. I
certainly don't remember consciously initiating thought as a
child. Thinking just seemed to have happened. Spontaneously.
If I don't control or choose these thoughts and they just come
out of nowhere, then why the hell should I give them any
credibility? They're nothing to do with me, I didn't ask for
them. If it wasn't really my choice to take that shower, then
it's not a choice at all.
What is listening to the thoughts anyway? That seems pretty
important.
#Post#: 31740--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 21, 2017, 1:29 am
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Post It Note #9
What was realised directly yesterday revealed a truth. There was
change. It felt uncomfortable at first but then felt as if the
volume level of my thoughts had been dialled down a few notches
and lost some of their stickiness. Am I really a slave to my
thoughts? I woke up this morning for the first time in a long
time with significantly less anxiety. I feel this returning now
as a degree of uncertainty sets in. I need to sit and
contemplate the implications and reinforce understanding
otherwise I sense tracks will be covered and it will be back to
square one.
Observations: It seems important that the real recipient of the
information I type is myself. Writing solidifies understanding,
promotes further inquiry and keeps sincerity in check.
Contemplating that 'thoughts just arise' and appreciating the
considerable implications can lead to degrees of clarity and
understanding. I appreciate the real benefits of direct
experience, it can only be that way or it contains no power.
I note that what I doing here is distracting me from digging
deeper.
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