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#Post#: 31625--------------------------------------------------
2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 16, 2017, 3:25 am
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I came across your first book some years ago and it immediately
struck a chord. Disconcerting, sure, but it laid bare the
implications of embarking on the journey and I found that
helpful and honest.
I appear to be in a process which has its own momentum; I
couldn't stop even if I wanted to. There are regular feelings of
anxiety and inability to associate with other people on a
typical human level. Although I greatly prefer my own company,
that doesn't stop interaction and I go about my business using
feelings as opportunities for enquiry.
In terms of my current co-ordinates, I have become very
conscious of a perceived me laying in awareness which seems to
obfuscate what is experienced, the characteristics of which I
would describe as a bundle of feelings associated with vague
images of a physical self. I remain attached to that mental
morass but continue to prod and poke and test and question.
I have become very aware, too, of the dreams and stories which
play out in others. They are easier to observe. I am finding
that the insidious need to be right acts as the main life
support for my story. It's a slippery and sneaky thing which
requires all my attention to watch its true nature. I use what
I'd best describe as honesty as a means of removing the personal
justifications (its food) and allow it to be challenged.
Physically, my body is becoming more vague with a looser
apparent boundary. Feelings and sensations, including pain, seem
to arise and be there rather than attributed to any absolute
location in my body. Curiously, as intellectually I know it not
to be real, the reflection in a mirror still has the effect of
re-inforcing bodily identification.
As I see the challenge(s), ultimately there's not much to do but
my apparent difficuly lies in sharpening attention and turning
the finger to point in the opposite direction.
No questions, no mystical experiences and no lurking. Just
pushing a pin into the map.
Word count 342. Sorry.
#Post#: 31630--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 17, 2017, 12:48 am
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Dear TIOO:
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing a slice of you.
As you stated, the 'the process has it's own momentum'. Glad to
hear that... so, just let it all flow.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31640--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 17, 2017, 3:19 am
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Perfect.
Thank you.
#Post#: 31651--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 18, 2017, 1:49 am
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Post It Note.
Yesterday I started to realised that true surrender will require
everything to go. There is no getting around this and choosing
bits which can remain. It's all or nothing. I noticed my mind
projecting future events and uncomfortable feelings, trying to
distract me to avoid further contemplation. It feels scary. I
need to persist and sit in this as completely as I can.
I noticed 'pretend' is a powerful word, it makes me feel like
the fraud and child I've always sensed myself to be.
I need to make sure writing here doesn't become a trap and
distract me, otherwise this is pointless. I need to be vigilant.
No questions. I need to remain honest.
#Post#: 31652--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 18, 2017, 2:04 am
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If writing here helps you stay vigilant, then write away. You
sound like you have a pretty good handle on things, at least as
good as such handling can be.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31662--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 18, 2017, 9:02 am
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Thank you, it seems to give a focus and a point of reference.
Post It Note #2
Today the thought 'thoughts are a distraction' came to my mind.
I laughed and I gave myself a mental pat on the back,
congratulating myself for immediately noticing its
ridiculousness in the context of what I'm doing. "Aren't I
clever?" - I noted the sleight of hand.
Believing thought is dreaming and a self-indulgent pat on the
back perpetuates it and reinforces identity. I have to
understand that, absolutely, until it is observed without
effort. I have to watch attentively or there will be no
separation and I will go nowhere. Who is watching?
Observation: It's been 2 over weeks since I started to rid
myself of the need for sex. I've realised how it had been acting
as a complex constant in the background, a needy part of my
identity trying to satisfy itself, a crutch providing 'pleasure'
and 'comfort' which I could always fall back on. I had avoided
the confrontation, made excuses and not been honest. Remove the
comfort blanket. It's one less and rather large distraction if I
can continue without it. I need to become aware of anything
else which falls into this category. I have more energy and
frankly it's more comfortable with the blanket off - this has
been remarkably easy.
#Post#: 31677--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 19, 2017, 1:18 am
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All good realizations... now don't let up on those post-it
notes.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31682--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 19, 2017, 2:08 am
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Thank you. I could write more than one per day here but maybe
that's a distraction in itself. I am making notes now anyway.
Post It Note #3
Me is a better word than I, it seems to be more authentic and I
identify less with it but it still represents the essence of
what I am. I am finding the right word to use, if there must be
a description of something, is critical. It has to have power
otherwise it's useless.
Observation: As I do this, I realise how much of a 'sin' pride
is. Thank you for testing me even if you're not. I must watch it
carefully and not let it fool me as any sort of progress.
Reminder:
Do with observing
Observe with sensing what is observing
Sense without judging and attaching
Watch what is happening without a description
Let everything happen without resistance and relax
All at the same time, always
The sensing is me. Let it come and exist in it. Feel it.
#Post#: 31684--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: September 19, 2017, 2:41 am
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I, me, etc... how about ''this''?
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 31688--------------------------------------------------
Re: 2000 light years from home
DIR By: ThereIsOnlyOne
Date: September 19, 2017, 2:58 am
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I briefly felt the need to defend my choice of word. I will
contemplate the word 'this' as it is without inherent
attributes. Once a fuller sense of who I am can be realised, any
word will become redundant; experience rather than label. For
now, it seems to be required. Thank you.
Post It Note #4
Observation: I realised the concept of progress is in the mind.
There's no such thing as progress, its a mental image of
comparison. Tracking progress is a distraction. If true progress
could be described, it would be as realisation, which in itself
is the antithesis of progress.
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