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#Post#: 2875--------------------------------------------------
My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: October 14, 2014, 9:20 pm
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Figuring out where I'm at and what to post. Saving this space.
Be back when the time's right.
#Post#: 2884--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 15, 2014, 2:21 am
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Dear A:
Take your time and thank you for your thoughtfulness as there
are others that I must respond to.
Best as concise as possible.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 2912--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: October 15, 2014, 1:11 pm
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Aight so:
- Have had a no-self realization and stuff like that so figured
I'd taken the first step.
- Was wrong.
- Recognized the "all that is-ness" of consciousness, that
perceiver and perceived are one, and life is basically shifting
sensory experiences.
- Recognized that none of those immediate sensory experiences,
in which I'm including thoughts, can a separate "me" be found.
- With that said, have had some trouble discovering my emotional
tethers, so this appears more an issue of heart than head
(although the relationship between the two makes that statement
a little silly).
- Kiloby's my homeboy, currently learning the Living Inquiries
and plan on sharpening self-facilitation skills.
So I mentally understand that this life amounts to no more than
a dream and I recognize the fear the keeps me alive, reacting,
asleep. Thing is, I'm not thoroughly disgusted by it. In your
books you mention the burning desire to kill all the bullsh*t
that comes with the First Step. I ain't there, and it surprises
me that, despite the recognition I'm nothing more than a bundle
of fear-based patterns, despite realizing the depth and totality
of my captivity, I don't have enough fuel to start this fire.
WTF does it take to become monomaniacal, to hate this enough to
start the war? I'm taking the lack of black hatred and
gutwrenching emotional upheaval as a sign that I've yet to start
a f*cking thing.
If you have some exercise for me or something that's cool, just
no ounce-a-day sh*t.
Edit: Noticed that while here at work I'm practically waiting
with baited breath for your response. Consider my personal
sovereignty abdicated until then.
#Post#: 3085--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: October 20, 2014, 3:10 pm
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Hey Jed, seeing this more as a personal sovereignty issue at the
moment. Makes that ending remark in my previous post funny to me
for a different reason than it was at the time.
I'm realizing that the whole idea of a First Step and burning
hatred for all that is false being necessary for finding truth
came from, well, you and you only. Hanging onto those ideas like
gospel when they aren't part of my experience is pretty dumb.
Sorry Jed but fuck your First Step, fuck your books, and fuck
you.
Love ya, Al.
P.S. Would be curious to hear why you denoted all that burning
hatred anger stuff as totally necessary for this, as if there is
no other way. Kinda got the idea in my head that if that's not
what's happening, you're not getting to T/R. Seems like your
version of T/R, of done, requires no emotional attachment to
anything, but the appearance of an emotionally attached
individual doesn't make realization any less truthy.
#Post#: 3097--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: October 21, 2014, 1:13 am
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Hi there:
I don't understand. Please restate.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 3123--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: October 21, 2014, 4:52 pm
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Sure. Is the burning hatred for all that's false and the
subsequent cutting of all emotional ties necessary to achieve
T/R? Does the appearance of an emotionally attached person (i.e.
the "seeker aspirant victim" being triggered) mean that one
isn't T/R?
If this is still unclear in any way let me know.
#Post#: 9666--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: February 23, 2015, 1:24 pm
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Hey Jed and anyone else that happens to peruse, felt moved to
come back here.
Upon reading the previous posts, I recognize this old hangup
over the bloody hatred of falseness phenomenon, the idea that
the dreamer must absolutely despise his falseness to make it to
this place Jed calls "done."
Perhaps I'm spiritually indolent or something, but I've actually
come to appreciate the self. I don't sense this self-hatred Jed
wrote about in my experience; rather, an acceptance of the
self's existence coupled with a watchfulness of its workings.
There's a gradual increase of sensitivity to it, of recognizing
where and how it shows up in experience, but again, this boiling
hatred for it doesn't come. Sometimes there's self-criticism,
like "jeez this self is so reactive, so out of control, there's
no end in sight;" however, this comes across more as annoyance
than hatred, the way you'd feel about your dog peeing on the rug
or something.
Also, I'm not tucked away in a cabin somewhere doing spiritual
autolysis every waking hour. So there's that.
#Post#: 9717--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: Jed McKenna
Date: February 25, 2015, 9:34 pm
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Dear egomaniac:
Nothing is absolutely necessary for T/R other than seeing what
is. Six or seven billion ways to do that and all point to only
one thing. Look and see, I can 't do that for you.
Love ya, Jed.
#Post#: 14743--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: September 15, 2015, 1:52 am
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Hey Jed, coming to terms with not being as serious as I thought.
Too many instructions on what to do, and I read all of them.
Meditate or do inquiry or breathe this way or whatever and all I
wanted to do was distract myself, not really do it.
Hasn't changed. I can feign I don't care or just... wait.
Things are changing, maybe more quickly outside than inside.
Still slow, often preparing for effort and avoiding any actual
effort, losing the available time for efforting to laptops, some
puff-puff and sleeping a lot. Also phone calls. But things still
move, if slowly.
To approach with discipline or allow the life to fall apart, if
necessary? Why do I think there's a choice?
Still holding on, most likely tighter than I know.
To report on experience, the sensations are vague, and I don't
know what to actually do. Struggling with that by trying to
know, the compulsive bursts of thought. I freeze in the face of
fear, and either the personality will undo itself (unlikely, if
not impossible) or life will drag me with it. So it seems #drama
Nothing I expect you can do about the lack of momentum. Or so I
say. "Just reporting"
Already embarrassed to post this. There's a lot of stupidity
here, insanity. But I still don't hate it yet.
Knowing how much more quickly this process could go, according
to imagination, seems to keep me stuck. Like the shame of not
being further along, not already where I "should" be,
demotivates.
"Can I even expect him to read it?" A fear of imposing myself.
Self-worth < other-worth, so to speak.
I could go all day, but every fear raddled off seems
surface-level. A resistance to starting somewhere and digging.
And the apparent knowing of what I should be doing a reason to
be restless. Maybe it's just this for now. Just a part of the
process. Even standing in place can't be avoided.
Reading the last post I wrote was simultaneously entertaining
and cringe inducing. Taking myself seriously until it's okay to
do so.
Can't avoid planning it seems. Thinking is mired in it.
Also seem to keep editing this post, which happens plenty of
beyond the scope of internet forums. Seems somehow in poor
taste, at least on this medium.
Continually noticing the attempted covering of places for you to
know more than me. Buffers against "dualistic" thinking, or
having an opinion you could correct. I'm scared of being stupid,
less intelligent. Feels like there are better words for it.
#Post#: 14744--------------------------------------------------
Re: My Thread. Mine.
DIR By: aar24
Date: September 15, 2015, 1:53 am
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It seems so much an honesty test.
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